As we have seen, the False Self is just that–false. It is an emotional wound and, like any other wound, it has gotten infected due to lack of attention. The severity of the wound of abandonment and the infection of shame are hard to see because they are covered by the scab of contempt, and for the most part, it is out of our awareness. We have also seen that our Invented Self is not who we are either. The False Self poses as our private self and the Invented Self as our public self, but both are imposters or counterfeits–so who are we really? For anyone who has ever struggled with addiction, codependency, and/or dysfunctional relationships, that is the million-dollar question.
Figure 8: True Self
I mentioned in Chapter 2 that I think I can prove to the reader that the False Self is not who we really are. I know I can prove it to some, and I think I can prove it to others, but I am not sure I can prove it to all. Here goes: If you believe there is a Divine Creator, do you think He would want a small child to feel defective at her very core? Would a loving God want children to go through their entire childhood feeling rotten through and through? That everything bad that happens is their fault? Of course not!
This is proof for believers that the False Self is not what God created. No, these emotional wounds are what life created. The True Self is what God created, and it has been with us in our inner world since before we were born. Then life happened. The wounds grew and covered up the True Self, pushing it far beneath the surface of our awareness before we even had a chance to get to know ourselves. It was replaced with an imposter; as a child we bought it and learned to live outside ourselves, abandoning our inner world. Then we poured a slab of concrete over it (Invented Self), locking it all in place and effectively alienating ourselves from who we were created to be [Fig. 8].
It is my belief that the True Self is who God created and that this is where our spirit resides. I also believe this is why God feels especially far away to some. Our spirit is what connects with his Spirit. To the extent that we don’t have access to our spirit, we feel cut-off from God. Our True Self is also where our purpose resides. In Rick Warren’s book, A Purpose-Driven Life (2002, 2007), the author points out that our purpose is not really our purpose at all … it is His purpose for us. We were created with a special set of talents and abilities in order to perform His purpose for us.
In the Bible, it says that “He who overcomes himself is greater than he who overcomes a city.” Do you wonder which “self” we are to overcome? In another place, the Bible says, “Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be comforted.” Is refusing to mourn not what we do when we wear a mask, ignore our inner world, and pretend that everything is fine? When God feels far away, could it be because our True Self, the part of us that connects with him, is buried so deep under the wounds of the False Self that we cannot feel his presence? If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then turning our focus inward to surface and grieve our pain is the royal road to true comfort and relief. As we shall see in the next chapter, seeking comfort and relief in all the wrong places inevitably leads to more pain.
Even if you are agnostic, or atheist, for that matter, I think most can believe in the innocence of a child. We all come into this world innocent and pure. That innocent, pure True Self gets wounded and covered up by this world regardless of your religious or spiritual beliefs. For those of you who believe neither in God, nor in the inherent goodness of man, I may not have been able to provide sufficient proof of the True Self. If not, I challenge you to look within and see if it might be contempt and emotional wounds that are getting in your way. I believe in you and wish you all the wonderful things that life has to offer.
The next logical questions are, “How do we deal with this? How do we uncover our True Self?” The good news is that there are answers to these questions. The bad news is that we first have more pain and consequences of emotional trauma to explore before we can answer them.