Recovery from addiction is easy–all you have to do is change your whole life.
The transition from the old life to the new is a period of limbo where the past is too painful to return to and the future is too uncertain to feel comfortable about. There is much to be done, and it cannot be done all at once. If one plunges headlong into their emotional pain, they will be compelled to seek comfort and relief in the only way they know how which results in a relapse into their addiction of choice. The first thing one must do is give up their comfort and relief [Fig. 12], accept that they cannot recover alone, and reach out to others for help. For these reasons, the pain of not reaching out for help must outweigh the pain of continuing to engage in the addiction.
Figure 12: Giving Up Comfort
Reaching Out
Reaching out to others is an interpersonal skill that we are not born with. Acting out is the instinct children are born with in order to express their needs. If we grew up with a significant amount of emotional pain then we are not likely to be very good at reaching out because it was either not taught or not allowed. Furthermore, the infection of shame makes it very difficult to ask for help. Often, it is only when the pain grows to an unbearable proportion that we begin to consider reaching out. Adding the accumulated shame of our entire life with having to admit a problem with alcohol, drugs, sex, food, or gambling, to name a few, gives us an idea of the magnitude of the problem one can have with asking for help. Can you hear the voice of shame? “See, now you are really proving what a loser you are!”
Reaching out requires a certain amount of self-disclosure, i.e. taking off the mask of the Invented-Self. The need to manage the impressions of others cries out to keep quiet and find some other way to work this out. This is the primary reason that such value is placed upon the anonymity of members of 12-Step groups. They realize the importance of safety to those newcomers who may be considering reaching out by attending a meeting for the first time. Even when the pain is great enough to bring someone in for counseling, they are compelled to manage the impression of the counselor to the extent that it can actually sabotage the assessment process. Here the person who has “reached out” by making the counseling appointment will answer many of the questions in a way that suggests they are fine and there really is no problem. Sometimes it takes a few sessions before they begin to feel safe enough with the helper, the environment, and the confidentiality to open up.
Internalizers are a little more likely to reach out early than Externalizers because the latter has an excessive need to be right. Externalizers are “shameless” because their defenses are geared toward making everyone else responsible for their problems. To admit a problem of any kind requires taking an inward look. This is highly irregular for an Externalizer because their shamelessness is in proportion to the actual shame and pain they would feel if they could see the truth. So, again, the pain of hitting bottom must outweigh the pain of facing their inner world before they are motivated to reach out.
On the other hand, the defenses of Internalizers are geared toward self-contempt. They are “not important, never right about anything, total failures, and unworthy of happiness.” These are the very depressing thoughts of an Internalizer which make them already depressed even before the wake-up call comes. Again, most people are rarely at one end of the contempt continuum or the other, although there are some cases in which this is true. More often, we have a tendency to slide up and down on that line internalizing for as long as we can stand it then blowing up occasionally to externalize, or dump, some of that contempt.
When people do feel enough pain to come in for help many times their denial is still largely intact. They may say, “I am here to get help with my depression.” The therapist might ask, “Why are you depressed?” Client: “I don’t know.” Therapist: “Well, do you drink?” Client: “Yes, but that’s not my concern right now.” Therapist: “How much and how often do you drink?” Client, “Probably too much, I have had three DUI’s, but that’s not why I am here. I came because I am depressed.” Therapist: “If that is not the problem then do you have any theories about what is?” Client, “You’re the therapist, you tell me!”
This person is still looking for ways to avoid giving up his unhealthy primary relationship with alcohol. He wants help to find comfort and relief but is still fighting that painful inward look. He is already in pain and to let go of his denial too soon might be overwhelming. Care must be taken to go forward at an acceptable pace building coping skills and supports first. If one is to give up their primary coping skill, they must have something to replace it with prior to doing to work ahead. Even then, it gets worse before it gets better.
People who reach out later than sooner are usually so full of shame that when they do take that initial inward look, they say things like, “Man, I don’t even have any values anymore!” I had one person tell me they felt that they had actually become evil. In addition to the toxic shame, what they have become emotionally infected with is the normal guilt and remorse they feel for the bad things they have done during their addiction. The food addict is full of shame over repeated failures to control their eating. The sex addict is full of shame over the inability to honor the marriage by staying faithful. The gambling addict is full of shame over the inability to take care of his family due to overwhelming debt. The work-a-holic is full of shame over hundreds of broken promises to spend time with his wife and kids.
Recovery – A Hard Sell
Imagine you are reaching out for help because you are in the most emotional pain you have ever felt. Now imagine hearing the helper say that you need to give up the only comfort and relief you’ve ever known and face this pain [Fig. 12]. That’s what it is like for someone who finds themselves at the bottom. It is a very hard sell even when the person knows you are right. Along with reaching out, abstinence is another of the first things we need to accomplish if we are going to heal.
At this point, some simple definitions are in order. Abstinence means not engaging in any unhealthy relationships with objects or events to produce a desired mood swing. Many times people give up their addiction of choice only to begin relying on another unhealthy relationship to medicate their pain. Alcoholics may switch to marijuana; sex addicts may switch to gambling, gambling addicts to drinking, compulsive spenders to food, etc. This is called substitution because we are simply substituting one unhealthy relationship for another. It’s like a rebound relationship; how long are we likely to stay with our second choice when we know our first choice is waiting in the wings? This is a strategy many people employ even before they get to the point of needing to reach out. It doesn’t work because it only addresses the need for comfort and relief. The rest of The Iceberg remains intact. Sooner or later the emotional pain flares up again and the substitute just doesn’t get it. Cross-addiction is what happens when the substitute does do just as much for us as the unhealthy relationship of choice. But now we have two addictions to overcome because the new one almost always leads back to the old one.
Abstinence is a required task in order for recovery to take place. How does one abstain from food addictions, sex addiction, work addictions, and spending addictions? Abstinence in these cases means using the objects and events only in the healthy ways for which they are intended. This means we eat for the right reasons, we have sex for the right reasons with the right person, we balance work with the other areas of our lives, and we spend for the right reasons. We avoid self-medicating while improving emotional coping skills, building a support network, learning how to communicate, and healing the internal wounds.
Prescription for Recovery
Recovery means abstaining and liking it better than engaging in unhealthy relationships with objects or events. The only way we are going to like abstinence better than engaging in our addictions is when we find comfort from the internal healing that begins to take place. This healing can only occur through the development of healthy recovery-oriented behaviors and activities.
Figure 13: Turing Focus Inward
In the 12-Step groups, suggested recovery activities are:
Go to Recovery Meetings
Get a Sponsor
Pray and Meditate
Read Recovery Literature
Practice the 12 Steps of Recovery
In his Video, Shame and Addiction John Bradshaw suggests:
Socialization – Attend non-shaming recovery or church groups
Self-Disclosure – Come out of hiding, break the no-talk rule
System Sensitivity – Understand the family system you came from
Self-Talk – Positive affirmations
Self-Love – Take care of yourself
Surfacing the Pain – Talk about it, understand it, get it out
Spirituality – Prayer and Meditation
Relapse means undoing recovery enough to be able to return to an unhealthy relationship. Relapse is a process that ends when we re-engage our addictive relationship of choice. One cannot relapse without a period of recovery. A period of abstinence with no recovery activities is called stopping. “Stopping” is easy; staying stopped is the hard part. Stopping is always followed by starting again. This is why a good friend of mine in recovery likes to say, “I can’t stop drinking because if I stop, I know I will start again.” He reminds himself and others, “I can abstain one day at a time by the grace of a power greater than myself.”
What Next?
As mentioned throughout this book, arresting addictions, codependency, chronic depression, and other long-term life problems is a critical piece, but it is only the “tip of the Iceberg.” Stabilizing these conditions through the development of healthy coping skills and a good support network is the foundation for the work that lies ahead. Many people recover through the use of the 12-Step programs and other community support programs alone. Some people speed the healing process up with the inclusion of therapy as part of their recovery program.
However, what about that one ultimate goal that we all have in common—that state of being that we all pursue so vigorously? I have found that happiness–i.e., contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction, wholeness and completeness, is not something we can seek and find. It is a byproduct of living the way we were intended to live—as our True Self [Fig. 14]. Codependency, chronic depression, Adult/Child Syndrome, and the many other long-term consequences of abandonment, shame and contempt are OPTIONAL. You don’t have to live that way anymore. If you feel ready now, begin working on Part I of the Thawing the Iceberg recovery program in the following pages.
Figure 14: Finding Your True Self
Thawing
Childhood Abandonment Issues