Figure 15: “Contempt Continuum”
In Thawing Childhood Abandonment Issues, we explore our “inner landscape” in more detail by looking briefly at what the writer believes to be the origins of the Internalizer and Externalizer of what I refer to in the Iceberg model as a “scab of contempt”, referred to elsewhere as Co-dependent and Counter-dependent tendencies. We explore how these roles can be seen developing right alongside of the first six of Erik Erikson’s Eight Stages of Human Development.
We also look for other symptoms of unmet developmental needs evident in present day situations and relationships. We conclude each section with exercises & activities designed to help heal and release blocked emotions from each stage.
The wounding process occurred during the normal stages of childhood development causing emotional injuries and deficits at each stage. Accordingly, Thawing Childhood Abandonment Issues is designed as a developmental recovery process which treats each stage sequentially, from stage one to six, so that healing can occur in a similar process as the injuries – developmentally – healing at one stage will provide the foundation for healing at the next.
Upon completion of the tasks in this book, it is recommended to cycle back through them later on (especially the stages most relevant for the reader) Revisiting them in recursive loops, with a break to integrate new learning, can produce even more healing each time through. This recursive pattern is designed to mimic another developmental process of human growth known as “recycling”.
Codependents as “Internalizers”:
People who have disowned or cut themselves off from their Angry/Defiant Child ego-state tend to get caught up in the Internalizer role – such as those who were not allowed to express anger outwardly or perhaps a parent was abusive and a rage-a-holic so that it was dangerous to express your anger.
Counter-Dependents as “Externalizers”:
Those who have disowned or cut themselves off from their Vulnerable Child ego-state tend to gravitate toward the Externalizer position – such as those who were not allowed to have their feelings and families where vulnerable feelings were considered “weak”.
Healthy, Positive Outcomes:
Those who had a predominantly positive outcome to this and all other stages are able to own and experience both their Angry/Defiant Child and their Vulnerable/Needy Child ego-states from an integrated position – i.e., because they have not been emotionally wounded, these two essential elements of self are simultaneously active and working together in harmony.
Before you begin, there are several considerations and instructions listed below:
1. First Things First – If you are actively involved in an addictive process this will sabotage your efforts to complete this program. It is essential to meet with an addiction specialist if there is even a hint that you may be using an object (alcohol, drugs, food, etc.) or an activity (sex, gambling, caretaking, etc.) addictively. It is highly recommended that you get an evaluation, follow recommendations, and find a support group of others who are recovering from the same or similar issues. A Twelve-Step group is proven as the most successful in dealing with addictions.
Once you have achieved Transition & Stabilization and are at least a full year into recovery, you will be ready to begin this program. Beginning this work too soon may trigger strong emotions that could lead to relapse into your addiction. For more information on this issue read the chapter “Distractions and Dependencies” in THAW – Freedom from Frozen Feelings.
2. Create a Safe Container – One must create a “safe container” in which to do the necessary “feelings work”. This means having a support network of people who know what you are going through such as a therapist, a support group such as Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families or Codependents Anonymous, a sponsor, safe, supportive friends, and/or safe, supportive family members. This work triggers strong emotions which is something most of us have been programmed to avoid. We will need to create safe, supportive relationships so that we can practice emotional health.
It is also necessary to create a safe container at home to do the work – A place where the door can be closed, with a comfortable place to sit, a place to write and a device (with headphones) that plays MP3 files or CD’s.
3. Understand and Plan for “Triggers” – A trigger is anything that has been linked or associated with our emotional wounds so that when the trigger is present it activates the abandonment, shame, & contempt which in turn leads to a behavioral reaction. When we get triggered, usually one of two things happen – either we get flooded with strong feelings (emotional flooding), or we go emotionally numb (psychic numbing). In other words we may feel too much or not at all. The numbing is a method the unconscious mind uses to manage the feelings. Flooding occurs when the “walls” holding the feelings back collapse for the moment (repression). Neither of these will cause “the roof to cave in” nor “the world to end”, but it may feel like it with flooding. This is why a safe container of safe relationships is essential. Triggers are not to be avoided because “feelings work” is a critical part of healing – it’s like emotional surgery, the pain has to come out.
4. Easy Does It, But Do it – Pacing yourself is an important thing to learn as well. If a runner pushes the body too hard, for too long, an injury will eventually occur. We have to “listen to our body” and not push it too hard or we will just be inflicting more abuse on ourselves. Plan for 30 to 45 minutes at a time, four or five days a week if possible. Then try that pace and adjust it according to what you feel is right for you. Or you may want to do an hour an a half on the weekends. Find out what works for you and develop a routine. Yes, it will take some time – maybe even a few months to complete the work. But rushing through it will do more harm than good.
5. Use a Journal – Invest in a journal as there are lots of things you will be able to use it for such as the journaling process in Chapter twelve of THAW – Freedom from Frozen Feelings. You may also want to record your progress, explore ideas or observations that come up during the work, and write about feelings and experiences that occur along the way.
6. Developmental Recovery Process – This program is designed to be a developmental recovery process to mirror the way the original wounds occurred in the context of childhood developmental stages. In other words, we begin by treating stage one and carry that healing into stage two, then carry the healing from both of those stages into stage three – the healing of one stage sets the foundation for the next in the same way the original wounding process occurred.
7. Audio Alerts – Throughout the program you will find “Audio Alerts”. At these times, stop writing and listen to the program indicated in the alert. The audio programs are most effective if listened to at least twice and in some cases three or more times. Recurring loops help one go deeper into the experience which is the goal of using the audios – to “experience” the issues and healing process on a deeper level than can be achieved by reading and writing.
Final Preparations:
THAW – Freedom from Frozen Feeling-States – If you haven’t already done so, it is highly useful to read my book THAW – Freedom from Frozen Feelings before beginning.
Thawing Adult/Child Syndrome – It is also recommended that your review and complete the Thawing Adult/Child Syndrome prior to this work.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Program 1 Majestic Meadow
[Audio Alert] Listen to Program 2 Timeline Discovery (at least twice)
[Audio Alert] Listen to Program 3 Ego-States, Sanctuary, & True Self
Faith & Spirituality – If you are a person of faith, it is a good time to send out a few prayers asking for guidance and healing with this process.