Infancy (0-2 years old)
Infants are totally dependent on their caretakers to meet their needs. Being helpless and unable to communicate needs is the backdrop against which the crisis of infancy is played out. In this child development stage, the only way an infant can express a need is to cry. Initially, they have one type of cry in their repertoire but, though experience, develop different types of cries to signal different needs.
Attentive parents come to recognize these signals quickly. In this way, the signals are established and reinforced – learning is already taking place! It’s in how these signals are responded to that the developmental crisis occurs. Parents who notice, evaluate, and respond to the child’s needs appropriately and consistently help the child have a positive outcome to this child development stage.
Parents who consistently don’t notice the signals, evaluate them incorrectly, or otherwise respond inappropriately, foster a negative outcome for the child. The operative word here is "consistently" -- There is plenty of room for mistakes and new, inexperienced parents will make their share of them.
Key Point: Loving and parenting are NOT necessarily the same thing -- parenting is a skill. For various reasons, many loving parents do not possess parenting skills adequate to meet the needs of their children… usually because their own parents did not possess adequate parenting skills.
Wounded parents or parents who were not adequately parented themselves will consistently respond with poor parenting skills such as making the same mistakes over and over, miss or simply ignore the signals, or flat out abuse their baby by yelling, shaking, or spanking the infant. Just as infants are not able to ask for what they need, in this stage of development, they are not able to understand direct verbal communication from those who try to meet their needs. Most of what is communicated from a parent to a child comes primarily through three sensory systems – sight, sound, & touch.
Touch is one of the most important sensory channels for babies. The largest sense organ in the body is the skin. Infants experience skin hunger. An incredible amount of data is shared through how the baby is held, stroked, and touched. Positive and negative outcomes for this stage hinge on the type, amount, and frequency of touch. Of course, consistently negative, rigid, infrequent, unloving, fearful, or abusive touch results in negative outcomes in the child development stage of infancy. Alternatively, loving, frequent, soft, nurturing, attentive, and affectionate touch results in positive outcomes.
The “primal gaze” is often observed between mother and infant. This is another incredibly important communication channel from a parent to a child. Does the gaze occur? If so, what messages are being sent to the child? Are the parents facial expressions loving, adoring, and protective -- or do they tend to be impatient, harsh, glaring, burdened, etc.?
The qualities of sound are also a major factor -- soft, loving, cooing, gentle and confident tones are better for infants that sudden loud noises, yelling, screaming, and harsh tones.
All three of these sensory systems, combined with taste and smell, are active during the most intimate and important connection of all – nursing the infant. There is little controversy over the issue of bottle feeding vs. breast feeding an infant. However, this issue focuses primarily on physical nourishment, which is just one type "feeding" that is required by the child.
Infants need emotional nourishment just as much as physical nutrients. The nourishment comes through a combination of the above described sensory channels. Whether breast or bottle-fed, the primal gaze, cooing sounds, and gentle snuggling involved with nursing an infant are all critical to nurturing, trust, and a sense of safety.
Due to having a Parent ego state that was programmed by our parents, we tend to care for ourselves in the same way that they cared for us – i.e., our self-care habits today are a product of the nurturing we received back then.
Erikson also identified virtues that develop according to the outcomes of each stage...for this child development stage the virtue is Hope. With poor outcomes, it becomes more difficult to hope and frequent feelings of hopelessness occur.
1:1 Stage One Self-Assessment:
Unmet needs in each child development stage can be observed in present-day symptoms. For each of the following statements assign a rank between 10 (High) and 0 (not at all).
___ I do not feel I have a right to ask others to meet my needs
___ Feeling close to others frightens me
___ The world feels like an unsafe and fearful place
___ I have a strong need to be in control in order to feel safe
___ I don’t like affectionate touch or touching others (hugs, kisses)
___ I have a hard time acknowledging and responding to my own wants and needs
___ I have a difficult time giving attention to others
___ I have a strong or excessive need to be admired by others
___ Despite what others say, I doubt that I’m lovable
___ I have experienced addictions or compulsions involving the mouth (oral, ingestive objects such as drugs, alcohol, food, cigars, cigarettes, chewing tobacco, nail-biting, thumb/finger sucking, etc.)
___ I have difficulty trusting others even if they are trustworthy
___ I lack trust in myself to take care of my needs
___ I do not trust others to care about or respond to my needs
___ I have a tendency to lose hope or feel hopeless about ever being happy or getting what I really want.
___ I have a tendency to trust too early in a relationship or friendship
___ I have deep fears of intimacy because it could result in abandonment
1:2 Journaling Exercise:
Take a few moments to think about each question. Remember that your problems from infancy relate to the need for trust, safety, and nurturance. You may be surprised when you actually start looking here to see the degree of dysfunction that relates back to a specific time in your life. You may feel grateful to have made this discovery, or it may trigger painful feelings.
1. When was the last time you were held and cuddled by someone you really cared about?
2. What does trust mean to you?
3. Are you a trustworthy person? If so, how do you demonstrate trustworthiness?
4. For whom do you feel the most trust? What is it about this relationship that inspires trust?
5. Do you generally feel physically and emotionally safe with those for whom you care deeply? How do you feel about this?
6. How do you feel about being depended on and being dependent upon someone else? Write about those relationships in your life where this is the case.
7. Do you feel a right to have needs? Are you afraid to acknowledge that you need?
8. Do you feel your needs are adequately met, or do you feel your needs are mostly unfulfilled? Give details.
9. Now, explore and combine all the data that you obtained from the developmental questionnaire and the above journal questions to make a list of issues your infant self carries. Some examples are:
Inability to trust others to care about or be there for me
Inability to feel safe with people or in the world
Difficulty knowing what I need and how I feel
Inability to trust myself to take care of myself or meet my own needs
Difficulty being close to others and telling them how I feel
1:3 Diagram of Possible Outcomes for Stage One:
The vertical axis on the diagram below represents the range of possible outcomes for Stage One – Healthy Trust (top) to Mistrust (bottom). The horizontal continuum represents the range of possible negative outcomes from frequently Externalizer to frequently Internalizer. Put an “X” anywhere on the diagram that fits with your position in your most intimate present day relationships (most of the time).
Figure 16: Stage One Outcomes Continuum
Keep in mind that we can move around on this line depending upon the situation, circumstances, and especially what ego-state we are in (Angry Child, Vulnerable Child, Critical Parent, etc.) We are likely to stay in the Adult Ego-State at work or out in public.
In our private lives, especially if we are wounded, with loved ones and family members we cannot avoid being triggered into the Externalization of the Angry/Defiant Child and/or the Internalization of the Vulnerable/Needy Child ego-state. This is where and how the Drama Triangle, Figure-Eight, and other dysfunctional relationship patterns arise. (See THAW, Chapter 7)
“Internalizers” or Codependents:
People who have disowned or cut themselves off (dissociated) from their Angry/Defiant Child ego-state tend to get caught up in the Internalizer role – such as those who were not allowed to express anger outwardly or perhaps a parent was abusive and a rage-a-holic so that it was dangerous to express your anger.
“Externalizers” or Counter-Dependents:
Those who have disowned or cut themselves off (dissociated) from their Vulnerable Child ego-state tend to gravitate toward the Externalizer position – such as those who were not allowed to have their feelings or families where vulnerable feelings were considered “weak”.
Healthy, Positive Outcomes:
Those who had a predominantly positive outcome to this and all other stages are able to own and experience both their Angry/Defiant Child and their Vulnerable/Needy Child ego-states from an integrated position – i.e., because they have not been emotionally wounded, these two essential elements of self are simultaneously active and working together in harmony.
The Normal Function of the Vulnerable/Needy and Angry/Defiant Parts of Self:
A healthy Angry/Defiant part provides access to just enough personal power to establish a sense of separateness while a healthy Vulnerable/Needy part helps let the walls down enough to really connect with others (only those who are safe and also able to connect in healthy ways). It is NOT having the ego-states (i.e., parts of self) that are the problem – it is the level of woundedness that each of the parts carry that causes the reactivity.
Trust, Safety, and Nurturing are the themes during this stage.
The extent to which we have a positive outcome directly influences our abilities to trust, care for, and protect ourselves and others. If we have a negative outcome to this stage we will recycle through the negative emotional themes (abandonment, shame, and contempt) and recreate the experiences of this time in our development until we “get it right” – which is the goal of this section of the program.
Journal Assignments:
Think about how the above fits with you and those closest to you…Write about your thoughts, feelings, and observations in your Journal.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 11a – Adult Relationship Timeline: Listen to the audio and write about trust, safety and nurturing self & other issues you encountered on your adult relationship timeline in your journal.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 11b – Childhood Relationship Timelines: Listen to the audio and write about trust, safety and nurturing self & other issues you encountered on your childhood relationship timeline in your journal.
1:4 Detecting Your Inner Critic:
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 12a – Inner Critic
This exercise helps to give a form to the critical voice or voices you hear inside your head, so that your Ideal Adult/Parent ego-state can interview, negotiate with, challenge or even confront the negativity. The critical voice for the infant may be the voice that shamed or humiliated you for having needs, for being afraid to trust, for not feeling safe enough to care. These are usually the parental tapes that are recorded inside our unconscious mind. However, many times other sources such as people at church, school, or in the extended family may also have had an influence. This could include authority figures as well as peers.
The part of us that carries these shaming messages from the past is our Critical Parent ego-state. We all need this part of us that can take a critical position in order to anticipate obstacles and help us avoid needless problems – but we don’t need the shaming, the discounting, and the abusive tones and messages that came from those other sources. Since the infant is preverbal, these “voices” can be more like a feeling than an actual voice at the time the child internalized the messages. As an adult, these feelings gathered in infancy can get translated into “audio tapes”.
These voices can be very poisonous or toxic, and can take on many shapes and forms. Its messages are usually very easy to hear, and can be very damaging to your children within. When working with these critical voices, get support from Higher Power and Protector if needed. Most of your inner children will have a specific voice that haunts them from which they will need to be protected.
Journal Assignment:
As you answer the following questions you may want to imagine yourself surrounded by a protective, spiritual light from your Higher Power…don’t be surprised if your Child Self answers differently than your adult self:
What critical statements do you make to yourself about your ability to care for self (know and meet your needs) and/or your ability to care for significant others (know & meet the needs of those you love)?
What critical statements do you make to yourself about your lovability?
What critical statements do you make to yourself about your capacity to trust yourself? Other People? The world in general?
What critical statements do you make yourself about your trustworthiness and/or the trustworthiness of others?
Where have you heard those statements before? Whose voice is this? Is it the voice of a parent? A relative? A teacher? A clergy member? Classmates? Coach? Are these statements that you have heard from society or through the media? Is this voice imagined or real?
Imagine that you, as the inner Adult, speak to this voice. Ask this voice what it wants. What is its positive intention? Is it trying to hurt you, help you… or both? Remember that all parts-of-self have a positive intention for us, even if they don’t produce that outcome. (If it is the voice of an abuser the intention is not usually positive).
Using your least dominant hand let your inner child draw a picture of this critical voice. Keep in mind that to this part of you the picture represents fears, terror, and judgments and may appear as a scary or threatening image such as a “monster” or other typical childhood fear.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 12b – Inner Critic 2
When you have finished the picture (above), listen to audio 12b, then go back to the original critical statements in items 1 through 6 above and rewrite them below. Then, next to each critical statement, write a positive affirmation. Notice your self-talk and formulate your affirmation as a response; i.e., if the self-talk uses first-person, then form the affirmation as a response in second-person. (See Examples)
Examples:
Critical Statement : I’m so terrible I do not deserve to be loved by anyone.
Positive Affirmation: You are lovable just the way you are.
Critical Statement : You’re so stupid!
Positive Affirmation: I’m a bright and competent person.
NOTE: Remember to have your Ideal Adult/Parent or your Higher Power, interact with this Inner Critic whenever it appears. Have them to use these affirmations whenever you hear these wounding words. Reassure your inner child that the critical voice will no longer go unchallenged.
1:5 Stage One: Issues & Symptoms
It’s time to consolidate; review your answers from the Self-Assessment Questionnaire, Audio Programs, your observations about the Outcomes Diagram and journal entries for this stage of development. Now, complete the following Stage One Inner Child Profile below.
It is important to take your time to complete this exercise as thoroughly as possible. Listen to the audio programs as many times as you find helpful or if you get stuck. Don’t worry if you cannot find the root cause (i.e., original circumstances), but it is a big bonus if you do. You are likely to uncover even more information in later exercises that will help fill in the blanks. When that happens, just come back here and add anything else that comes up. Here is an example of the Issues and a format to write it out in your Journal. Outline as many issues as you can come up with. You cannot over-do this work, but you can under-do it.
Identified Issue: (Problematic behavior)
I do not trust that others will respond to my needs.
The Root Cause: (Original Circumstances)
My father was in a bad car accident three months after I was born. I often was left with a babysitter while my mother was at the hospital. When she was at home, her attention was focused on the survival needs of the family, not on the basic needs I had as an infant.
Evidence in Present Day: (How I treat myself) I focus on my work and my relationship with others and often ignore the basic needs of my body.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 13a – Reclaim this Child
Your infant self may carry pain, but it also carries joy, wonder, and a sense of newness. You may now have a better awareness of these. In the exercises, you have done so far, what have you learned about your infant self and about how you continue to carry these traits? Write about any thoughts or feelings this question, and audio 13a has provoked.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 13b – Adult Meets Child
These meetings with your inner children can be emotional; sometimes it’s like meeting a stranger, other times it’s like meeting an old friend. Record your thoughts, feelings, and reactions to this audio below. End the experience by asking your infant self to help you find a photograph or a picture from a magazine that looks like him or her. Paste or tape this picture into your journal so you can look at it and began to ask more in-depth questions and then write about how this picture makes you feel.
1:6 Communication & Daily Dialogue
The exercise will help the Adult-self separate further from your Children within by helping you determine their likes and their dislikes. It also gives your Child self a chance to ask you questions. In this way, the adult and child begin to develop a healing and healthy relationship. Here you go inside and imagine having a conversation with your child within. Record the conversation in your journal. This can become a “daily dialogue” if you choose.
Infants can communicate, but they cannot use words. If you do not get verbal answers from your child within, try to interpret body language, feelings, sounds, or other Sensations that you can intuit. Some people feel they communicate best with this part of themselves using a form of imaginary telepathy. If that works for you, use it. As you work with the older children within, their ability to communicate will mature.
Journal Exercise:
To begin your dialogue, write each question in your journal using your most dominant hand. Use your least dominant hand to record your inner children’s responses. Use the name for the child that you chose in the previous visualization exercise.
What is your infant’s favorite color? Favorite story? A favorite lullaby?
Using your infant’s eyes, look around the room you are in. What is the object in that room your Inner Infant most wants to touch? If it is safe imagine the child touches it.
What does this child need the most from you?
How does this child feel about you? Does it feel abandoned or ignored by you? Why?
Does the infant understand what it means to be reclaimed by you? If not, explain that it means he/she will longer be alone again; you will make sure that the basic needs are met.
Does your baby like to be held? If so, imagine a rocking chair and sit with the infant for a while. Write about this experience.
Is there anything the infant wants to know about you?
What joys does this child want to offer you and what prevents this from happening?
Learn to use this journal exercise daily by tuning into the feelings you have throughout the day and realizing that it may be one of your inner children signaling you that they need your attention. Remember the format for “feelings as signals from your inner child” to know when the child needs to talk with you.
1:7 Developing a Protector
Each inner Child may want to have its own Protector, sometimes more than one. Start by letting your child within first create the one that it needs the most. This Protector is the character you bring in to provide special care that the Adult self is unable to provide.
Creating a Protector is a way to ensure that your inner child will never be alone. It’s as if this Protector is assigned to your inner child and will always be there to care, even when your Adult self is occupied in your day-to-day affairs. There are no guidelines for creating this protector, let your inner children be your guide.
Journal Exercise:
Ask the Child within to tell you about the person or character for which it feels the most trust. If your child can select anyone in the world, real or imagined, to always be there, who would choose? (It can be Superman, an angel, Mother Teresa, or your Higher Power. It can also be a relative, movie star, or a childhood friend’s parent.)
Ask your inner Child to draw a picture that represents this protector. Have the child use crayons or colored pencils and use the least dominant hand to draw the picture.
Assure your inner child that this protector will be available any time the child needs that protector.
Keep this picture in your Journal and keep it stored in your imagination, too. Always be ready to call in this protector for support in your work with your inner Child. This character will care for, protect, and entertain your child. It is this image that will help meet the emotional needs of your child and heal the gaps left from the child.
Complete this exercise by making a partnership between this Protector and the Adult-Self. Call in your Higher Power as well, if this seems appropriate, because these three are the team that will heal the Children within. Record any thoughts, feelings, or other reactions to this exercise in your journal.
1:8 Grieving your Losses
This exercise will take you step-by-step through the grieving process so that you may let go of the blocked emotions from this stage of your development. You have gathered a lot of information from the previous exercises. Don’t worry if you don’t feel you have many answers to the following questions in this stage. Trust your instinct, let the answers come to you intuitively, and do the best you can.
Some steps of this process are done by you as the Adult, and some are done by you as the Inner Child. Remember to use your least dominant hand when responding from the child and your dominant hand when responding from the adult. This will help you more easily switch back and forth between these two parts of yourself.
Journal Exercises:
You will need your journal, drawing materials, and separate sheets of paper. Do these exercises on the loose sheets of paper – not in your journal. Everyone grieves in their own way. If any section of these exercises does not seem right for you, just discard or change that section and complete the ones that do seem to fit.
In your minds-eye, see your Infant Child in front of you. Ask that part of you to consider times/events in the past when you felt panic, hurt, sadness, or fear about safety, nurturing, and/or trust. List these events one-by-one and then prioritize them from least painful to most painful. For our purposes here, don’t worry about describing the events or experiences in detail…just give them a name such as “that time in the kitchen with so-and-so.” If the experience is too painful, just use one or two words to describe it for now such as “kitchen”.
Now ask your Inner Child to draw a picture representing the feelings he or she has carried over the years (artistic talent not required). Have the child draw one picture for each of the events or experiences you just listed above from least painful to most painful. Then, reflect on any other times in your life when you felt panic, hurt, or fear about safety, nurturing, and/or trust issues...draw a picture for any of these times you feel would be appropriate. (no more than ten examples)
Now, as your adult self, think back to the times you’ve tried to control these situations in your life so you wouldn’t have to feel these feelings. Then list the survival skills your Little Professor devised to try to manipulate, bargain, or control in an attempt to get this Child’s needs for safety, nurturing, or trust met at those times. (e.g., people pleasing, approval seeking, victim stance, angry outbursts, distancing or pursuing, clinging or pushing away, addictions, etc.)
Now, as your adult self, write a letter explaining to your Child self that it was not his/her fault that their needs were unmet and, in your own words, tell the Child that the problems in the family were not caused by him/her either. Furthermore, describe to your child the way it should have been and anything you know about why it was not that way. Be supportive, encouraging, and give the child permission to break the “Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, Don’t Trust” rules. Let this part of you know it is okay to have your feelings now because you are here to protect and allow that.
Now, help your Child write a letter to your parents expressing any anger, sadness, grief and other feelings that your Child has held over the years. As you finish the letter, let any feelings surface and come out as you comfort your inner child. (You might want to use a teddy bear and rocking chair combined with the sanctuary or other safe place of your own choosing to facilitate this experience)
When you feel ready to continue, as the healthy adult you, write a letter to your Child-Self stating how you feel about the care he or she received. Tell your child within what you’re willing to provide for him or her from this time forward. Imagine your Adult-Self reading this letter to your Inner Child somewhere, one-on-one in the sanctuary. Again, as you complete this, imagine that you comfort your Child-Self in whatever way seems best to you.
Conclude this grieving process by closing your eyes and surround yourself and your Inner Child with spiritual light from your higher power. In the next step, all the pain that has been express will be released in all the wounds that have been opened will be healed. Take a cleansing breath and bring your focus back to the room and open your eyes.
1:9 Releasing Blocked Emotions
This exercise lets your inner child release the pain in two ways; emotionally, and spiritually. For the process of emotional release, you will need the following items: your journal, all your drawings and writings from the previous step, a copy of the picture of your inner child, and a campfire (outside) or fireplace (inside). If inside, scented candles, background music (CD) and a comfortable, safe space where you won’t be interrupted are also suggested.
Again, if any section of these exercises does not seem right for you, just discard or modify that section and complete the ones that do seem to fit:
Emotional Release…
Set up your space, light your candles if you choose, and put on your music. Now, take all the drawings, writings, and letters that you prepared in the previous steps and decide which ones you feel you need to release in the fire. Also, have your picture of this Child nearby.
Imagine the light within your body begins to grow and expand until it surrounds you and fills up the entire room/area. Now, in your minds-eye, bring in your Child-Self…hold him or her safely in your arms, or comfortably settle your Infant Child somewhere in the room/area. You may want to use a teddy bear to symbolize the younger Children within.
Focus on the feelings you will be releasing. Mentally review the work you and your Child have done, the issues you have discovered, and the healing you have experienced so far. Now, silently ask your Child if he or she is ready to let go of its pain.
When the two of you are ready, take one of the drawings, letters, or pieces of writing and symbolically release it by dropping it into the fire. Imagine the emotions represented on that piece of paper are released into the flame and carried away by the smoke. Release your inner child’s drawing that represents the panic and fear, your list of bargaining behaviors, the anger, despair and any other letters or written work you feel a need to release. Burn one piece of paper at a time, so you’re able to focus on the contents of that page.
1:10 Release & Reimprinting this Stage
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 14a – Spiritual Release
Now record this experience in your journal. This child has much joy and comfort to offer you once the trust is there that you will meet his or her needs. Know that if the pain of this younger self gets triggered that you will be able to separate from the pain by letting the child remain safely in the Sanctuary while the Adult you attends to the triggering situation.
Your fears of being loved and your caution about trusting others will never completely disappear. In fact, it would not even be desirable to have them gone. It is important to be able to determine when it is safe and appropriate to trust as well as when it is not. Just know that, by completing this work the wounds of abandonment have been treated and a healing process initiated. You will get better and better, every day in every way!
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 14b – Parental Timeline Reimprinting
Listen to the audio at least two times or more. Really allow the ideas and images to become vivid and know that you are giving yourself more options by doing so. Write about your experience of the audio in your journal.
[Bonus Audio] Return to Audio #1: Majestic Meadow
As an extra benefit you may complete this work with your Inner Infant by returning to Majestic Meadow and the garden of your thoughts. Ask your Inner Infant how it would like to contribute to this garden now. It may choose certain plants or flowers to symbolically represent a new perspective, healing, and/or the gifts it can now bring to your experiences. Imagine that the two of you make these contributions together so that this Inner Child will be represented in the garden of your growth.