School-Aged (6-12 years old)
When a child is old enough, they must go off to school. It's another world for them, and now they have a full day of challenges to face. Furthermore, they are no longer the center of attention as they begin comparing themselves to each other. If children have had successful outcomes in the preceding stages, they are likely to be prepared to make the transition smoothly.
However, because the outcomes in each previous stage set the foundation for the next stages of social development, some children start out with challenges other kids do not have to face. Along with the multitude of rapid-fire changes involved in attending school, these kids also must contend with negative outcomes such as shame, fear, and guilt, which complicate these tasks even further.
Many parents tell their kids that they "are in school to learn something -- not to socialize". This could not be further from the truth. Learning to fit in with their peers can give them the confidence and sense of competence to excel academically as well. It is therefore, very important to help them acquire good social skills -- and as with anything else, that takes practice.
Kids who are bright academically but less than talented socially may become loners, shy and inhibited. They can develop a sense of inferiority despite their excellent academic achievements. Kids who are socially gifted can, likewise, develop a sense of inferiority if they are less able to succeed in the classroom. They may find ways to compensate for their intellectual shortcomings through sports or music.
In many cases, kids who have a negative outcome in this stage are likely to strengthen their leanings toward being an Internalizer or Externalizer. The Internalizer wears their sense of inferiority like a badge, while the Externalizer covers theirs up behind a mask of grandiosity.
Internalizers tend to seek others out to follow and take care of; seeking their approval, attention, protection, and validation from someone they perceive as stronger than themselves. Because they are frequently drawn to the opposite direction, they attach themselves to Externalizers and end up being made fun of, pregnant, abused, and/or dropping out -- unless they have the ability to make it academically despite their social difficulties.
Externalizers at this stage of development are the rebels, delinquents, bullies, and "hard-cases" who get all the negative attention. They have over-compensated for their sense of inferiority through a reaction formation. Their outward grandiosity is a smokescreen to cover up their inward feelings of fear and inadequacy. Other kids escape into video games or anything else they can master and feel the enthusiasm of accomplishment -- even if it's dangerous, such as extreme sports, fighting, or drugs to name a few.
4:1 Stage Four Self-Assessment
Unmet needs in each child development stage can be observed in present-day symptoms. For each of the following statements assign a rank between 10 (High) and 0 (not at all).
___ I feel unaccepted by most of my peers.
___ I feel judged by most people my age or by those in my profession.
___ I feel I have little in common with people my own age, or those in my profession.
___ I feel excluded from the activities of others.
___ I do not belong to organizations because I feel self-conscious.
___When I go to social gatherings, I feel out of place.
___ I am more comfortable being alone than with a group of friends.
___The groups I have participated in feel closed, and I have not felt a part of the "clique".
___ I avoid certain professional positions because I would have to talk in front of others.
___ I get physical symptoms of anxiety whenever I’m faced with speaking in front of a group.
___ I am unable to speak spontaneously in front of others. I must plan exactly what I want to say before it is my turn.
___Even if I feel strongly about a subject, I will not speak in public because I get too tongue-tied.
___When I speak in public, I’m not aware of anyone else in the room. I do not feel nervous, but I do seem to be disconnected from myself and others.
___ I describe myself as a procrastinator and feel lazy when it comes to getting things done.
___ I worry about going into business for myself; for fear that I do not have the self-discipline to succeed.
___ I have sabotaged by professional advancement because of my inability to meet deadlines.
___ I feel clumsy participating in any sport.
___ I have intense fear of making a mistake
___ I feel excessively competitive
___ I feel deficient in many things that most people consider basic life skills
___ I must win at any cost, or I’m terrible
___ I feel ugly and inferior; social shame, I go into a nice restaurant and feel like I don't belong there
___ In team sports, I fear being chosen last.
___ I refuse to participate in a sports activity in which I feel self-conscious.
___ I have become a “human-doing”; achievement is the only thing that matters
4:2 Journaling Exercise:
What do your answers reveal to you about your comfort level with competence and confidence? If you scored six or above on any item, those are the issues of your Pre-Schooler Self you will want to address.
Do you worry about being accepted by your peers? Can you think of a time when this was the case? Describe what it feels like to review this situation now that you have more information on this stage of your development.
Have there been times when you're worried about standing out? If so, when?
Have there been times when you were in the “in group” and have been aware of someone who was excluded? How did you feel? What, if anything, did you do?
Make a list of similarities and differences you see in yourself and three of your closest friends. How you feel about this?
List your professional goals. Do you feel satisfied with your achievements? If not, why?
List the emotional, social, and physical characteristics of your parents. Next, make a list of their professional and financial achievements. How do you compare to them, what does this say about your need to remain loyal, or your capacity to surpass your parents?
Whose opinion do you value more than your own? About which subjects? Why do you not trust your own opinions in this area? How do you feel about this? How does this affect your belief in yourself and your abilities?
Think of a situation where your inability to complete something jeopardized your career or a relationship. Describe the situation and comment on it now.
When you participate in a social event, do you feel energized or drained?
Now, explore and combine all the data that you obtained from the developmental questionnaire and these journal questions to make a list of issues your inner School-aged self carries. Some examples are:
Feeling self-conscious in social gatherings
Difficulty, or inability, to complete something you’ve started
Not being able to attain professional goals
Keeping yourself in debt so you never achieve financial stability
Fear of public speaking
4:3 Diagram of Possible Outcomes for Stage Four:
The vertical axis on the diagram below represents the range of possible outcomes for Stage Three – Healthy Competence (top) to Inferiority & Grandiosity (bottom). The horizontal continuum represents the range of possible negative outcomes from frequently Externalizer to frequently Internalizer. Put an “X” anywhere on the diagram that fits with your position in your most intimate present day relationships (most of the time).
Figure 19: Stage Four Outcomes Continuum
Keep in mind that we can move around on this line depending upon the situation, circumstances, and especially what ego-state we are in (Angry Child, Vulnerable Child, Critical Parent, etc.) We are likely to stay in the Adult Ego-State at work or out in public.
In our private lives, especially if we are wounded, with loved ones and family members we cannot avoid being triggered into the Externalization of the Angry/Defiant Child and/or the Internalization of the Vulnerable/Needy Child ego-state. This is where and how the Drama Triangle, Figure-Eight, and other dysfunctional relationship patterns arise. (See THAW, Chapter 7)
“Internalizers” or Codependents:
People who have disowned or cut themselves off (dissociated) from their Angry/Defiant Child ego-state tend to get caught up in the Internalizer role – such as those who were not allowed to express anger outwardly or perhaps a parent was abusive and a rage-a-holic so that it was dangerous to express your anger.
“Externalizers” or Counter-Dependents:
Those who have disowned or cut themselves off (dissociated) from their Vulnerable Child ego-state tend to gravitate toward the Externalizer position – such as those who were not allowed to have their feelings or families where vulnerable feelings were considered “weak”.
Healthy, Positive Outcomes:
Those who had a predominantly positive outcome to this and all other stages are able to own and experience both their Angry/Defiant Child and their Vulnerable/Needy Child ego-states from an integrated position – i.e., because they have not been emotionally wounded, these two essential elements of self are simultaneously active and working together in harmony.
The Normal Function of the Vulnerable/Needy and Angry/Defiant Parts of Self:
A healthy Angry/Defiant Part provides access to just enough personal power to establish a sense of separateness while a healthy Vulnerable/Needy part helps let the walls down enough to really connect with others (only those who are safe and also able to connect in healthy ways). It is NOT having the ego-states (i.e., parts of self) that are the problem – it is the level of original pain that each of the parts carry that causes the reactivity.
Competence, mastery, and fitting in with peers at the themes for this stage.
The extent to which we have a positive outcome directly influences our abilities to feel confident, share our thoughts & feelings, and/or respect the thoughts & feelings of others. If we have a negative outcome to this stage we will recycle through the negative emotional themes (abandonment, shame, and contempt) and recreate the experiences of this time in our development until we “get it right” – which is the goal of this section of the program.
Journal Assignment:
Think about how this diagram & issues fit with you and those closest to you. Which outcomes did each of your parents demonstrate most often? How about your past and present relationships? Which outcomes did you and your partners tend to demonstrate? Do you see any patterns or other interesting observations? Note your thoughts and observations in your Journal:
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 41a – Relationship Timelines
Journal Assignment: Write about issues regarding your ability to be feel confident, express yourself in a crowd, and feel “good enough” compared to others that you encountered on your Adult relationship timeline:
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 41b – Relationship Timelines
Journal Assignment: Write about issues regarding your ability to feel confident, express your thoughts and feelings, and feel “good enough” that you encountered on your childhood relationship timeline:
4:4 Detecting Your Inner Critic:
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 42a – Inner Critic
This exercise helps to give a form to the critical voice or voices you hear inside your head, so that your Ideal Adult/Parent ego-state can communicate with, challenge or confront the negativity. The critical voice between 6 and 12 is the voice that carries the haunting statements you heard at home and at school. This voice will tell you that you cannot succeed, that you will make a fool out of yourself, and that you should not even try. This voice will terrorize you when you have to appear in public, tell you that you’ll never fit in, or that you look too fat, too ugly, or too thin.
The part of us that carries these shaming messages from the past is our Critical Parent ego-state. We all need this part of us that can take a critical position in order to anticipate obstacles and help us avoid needless problems – but we don’t need the shaming, the discounting, and the abusive tones and messages that came from those other sources. As an adult, these feelings gathered in early childhood can get translated into “audio tapes”.
Whether turned inward or outward, these inner voices can be very poisonous or toxic, and can take on many shapes and forms. Its messages are usually very clear, and can be very damaging to your children within as well as relationships with others. When working with these critical voices, get support from Higher Power and Protector if needed. Most of your inner children will have a specific voice that haunts them from which they will need to be protected.
As you answer the following questions you may want to imagine yourself surrounded by a protective, spiritual light from your Higher Power…don’t be surprised if your Child Self answers differently than you the adult:
What Critical statements to make about yourself when you have to appear in public or be around a crowd of strangers?
What critical statements do you make to yourself about your ability to succeed, or finish what you have started?
What critical statements do you make to yourself when you could do something new or compete physically?
What critical statements do you make to yourself when you begin to succeed or move ahead?
Where have you heard those statements before? Whose voice is this? Is it the voice of a parent? A relative? A teacher? A clergy member? Classmate? Coach?
Imagine that you, as the inner Adult, speak to this voice. Ask this voice what it wants. What is its positive intention? Is it trying to protect, teach, warn you? Is it trying to protect, teach, warn them?
Using your least dominant hand, let your inner child draw a picture of this critical voice. Know that this picture represents fear, terror, and judgments created by the critic within.
When you have finished the picture, go back to the original critical statements in items 1 through 6 above and rewrite them in your journal. Then, next to each critical statement, write a positive affirmation. Notice your self-talk and formulate your affirmation as a response; i.e., if the self-talk uses first-person, then form the affirmation as a response in second-person. (See Examples)
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 32b – Inner Critic 2
Examples:
Critical Statement: If I tell him/her what I really think he/she may get mad and leave me.
Positive Affirmation: When you share you true thoughts and feelings you strengthen the relationship because you are creating an authentic relationship.
Critical Statement: I’m so stupid!
Positive Affirmation: It’s normal to make mistakes, even silly blunders once in a while.
NOTE:
Remember to have your Ideal Adult/Parent or your Higher Power, interact with this Inner Critic whenever it appears. Have them to use these affirmations whenever you hear these wounding words. Reassure your inner child that the critical voice will no longer go unchallenged.
4:5 Stage Four: Issues & Symptoms
It’s time to consolidate; review your answers from the Self-Assessment Questionnaire, Audio Programs, your observations about the Outcomes Diagram and journal entries for this stage of development. Now, complete the following Stage Four Inner Child Profile below.
It is important to take your time to complete this exercise as thoroughly as possible. Listen to the audio programs as many times as you find helpful or if you get stuck. Don’t worry if you cannot find the root cause (i.e., original circumstances), but it is a big bonus if you do. You are likely to uncover even more information in later exercises that will help fill in the blanks. When that happens, just come back here and add anything else that comes up. Here is an example of the Issues and a format to write it out in your Journal. Outline as many issues as you can come up with. You cannot over-do this work, but you can under-do it.
Identified Issue: (Problematic behavior)
I am very critical about the things that I say and the mistakes that I make.
The Root Cause: (Original Circumstances)
My mother was always pointing out the flaws in everybody and she frequently gossiped about the inferiority of others.
Evidence in Present Day: (How I treat myself)
I am driven by a need to be perfect. If I do niety-nine things perfectly but I mess up on one thing, I cannot stop beating myself up for the mistake.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 43a – Reclaim this Child
Your school-aged self may carry pain, but it also carries ability to learn, desire to be part of the group, determination, and persistence. You may now have a better awareness of these. In the exercises, you have done so far, what have you learned about your school-aged self and about how you continue to carry these traits? Write about any thoughts or feelings this question, and audio 33a has provoked.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 43b – Adult Meets Child
These meetings with your inner children can be emotional; sometimes it’s like meeting a stranger, other times it’s like meeting an old friend. Record your thoughts, feelings, and reactions to this audio below. End the experience by asking your school-aged self to help you find a photograph or a picture from a magazine that looks like him or her. Paste or tape this picture into your journal so you can look at it and began to ask more in-depth questions and then write about how this picture makes you feel.
4:6 Communication & Daily Dialogue
The exercise will help the Adult-self separate further from your Children within by helping you determine their likes and their dislikes. It also gives your Child self a chance to ask you questions. In this way, the adult and child begin to develop a healing and healthy relationship. Here you go inside and imagine having a conversation with your inner school-aged self. Record the conversation in your journal. This can become a “daily dialogue” if you choose.
If you do not get verbal answers from your child within, try to interpret body language, feelings, sounds, or other sensations that you can intuit. Some people feel they communicate best with this part of themselves using a form of imaginary telepathy. If that works for you, use it. As you work with the older children within, their ability to communicate will mature.
To begin your dialogue, write each question in your journal using your most dominant hand. Use your least dominant hand to record your inner children’s responses. Use the name for the child that you chose in the previous visualization exercise.
Does your School-Aged-Self have a favorite game? A favorite toy? Favorite play places? Ask the child to show them to you.
What activity or school subject does your School-Aged child most enjoy?
Ask your School-Aged-Self to tell you about his or her fear of being blamed and criticized or of doing or saying something wrong. These feelings may have been experienced back in the child’s day or the child may experience these fears in relation to your life here-and-now.
Does this child have an imaginary friend? If so, who is it? Find out if this child feels overly responsible? Why?
What does this child need the most from you? Ask the child how it was treated by its caretakers, and if it is afraid that you will do the same. How does this child like its brothers or sisters? Do they get along?
How does this child feel about you? Does it feel abandoned or ignored by you? Why? Does the child understand what it means to be reclaimed by you? If not, explain that it means you will attempt to maintain a balance between the opposing feelings within you. You will protect this child from the criticism and judgments of others.
Does your inner school-aged child feel comfortable that you won’t shame, blame or compare it with others?
Is there anything the Pre-Schooler wants to know about you? Have this child tell you what its life has been like; including any pain, losses, or accidents experienced. What was it like to be at school?
What joys does this child want to offer you and what prevents this from happening?
Learn to use this journal exercise daily by tuning into the feelings you have throughout the day and realizing that it may be one of your inner children signaling you that they need your attention. Remember the format for “feelings as signals from your inner child” to know when the child needs to talk with you.
4:7 Developing a Protector
Each inner Child may want to have its own Protector, sometimes more than one. Start by letting your child within first create the one that it needs the most. This Protector is the character you bring in to provide special care that the Adult self is unable to provide.
Creating a Protector is a way to ensure that your inner child will never be alone. It’s as if this Protector is assigned to your inner child and will always be there to care, even when your Adult self is occupied in your day-to-day affairs. There are no guidelines for creating this protector, let your inner children be your guide.
Journal Exercise:
Ask the School-Aged Child to tell you about the person or character for which it feels the most trust. If your child can select anyone in the world, real or imagined, to always be there, who would choose? (It can be Superman, an angel, Mother Teresa, or your Higher Power. It can also be a relative, movie star, or a childhood friend’s parent.)
Ask your Inner Child to draw a picture that represents this protector. Have the child use crayons or colored pencils and use the least dominant hand to draw the picture.
Assure your inner child that this protector will be available any time the child needs that protector.
Keep this picture in your Journal and keep it stored in your imagination, too. Always be ready to call in this protector for support in your work with your School-Aged Child. This character will care for, protect, and entertain your child. It is this image that will help meet the emotional needs of your child and heal the gaps left from the child.
Complete this exercise by making a partnership between this Protector and the Adult-Self. Call in your Higher Power as well, if this seems appropriate, because these three are the team that will heal the Children within. Record any thoughts, feelings, or other reactions to this exercise in your journal.
4:8 Grieving your Losses
This exercise will take you step-by-step through the grieving process so that you may let go of the blocked emotions from this stage of your development. You have gathered a lot of information from the previous exercises. Don’t worry if you don’t feel you have many answers to the following questions in this stage. Trust your instinct, let the answers come to you intuitively, and do the best you can.
Some steps of this process are done by you as the Adult, and some are done by you as the Inner Child. Remember to use your least dominant hand when responding from the child and your dominant hand when responding from the adult. This will help you more easily switch back and forth between these two parts of yourself.
Journal Exercises:
You will need your journal, drawing materials, and separate sheets of paper. Do these exercises on the loose sheets of paper – not in your journal. Everyone grieves in their own way. If any section of these exercises does not seem right for you, just discard or change that section and complete the ones that do seem to fit.
In your minds-eye, see your School-Aged Child in front of you. Ask that part of you to consider times/events in the past when you felt panic, hurt, sadness, shame, or fear related to “fitting in” socially, personal success, competence & mastery. List these events one-by-one and then prioritize them from least painful to most painful. For our purposes here, don’t worry about describing the events or experiences in detail…just give them a name such as “that time in the kitchen with so-and-so.” If the experience is too painful, just use one or two words to describe it for now such as “kitchen”.
Now ask your Inner Child to draw a picture representing the feelings he or she has carried over the years (artistic talent not required). Have the child draw one picture for each of the events or experiences you just listed above from least painful to most painful. Then, reflect on any other times in your life when you felt panic, hurt, or fear related to “fitting in” socially, personal abilities, lack of a sense of competence & confidence...draw a picture for any of these times you feel would be appropriate. (no more than ten examples)
Now, as your adult self, think back to the times you’ve tried to control these situations in your life so you wouldn’t have to feel these feelings. Then list the survival skills your Little Professor devised to try to manipulate, bargain, or control in an attempt to get this Child’s needs for acceptance, competence, and “fitting-in” met at those times. (e.g., people-pleasing, approval-seeking, care-taking, rescuing others, taking the martyr role, having “justified” anger, distancing or pursuing, addictions, etc.)
Now, as your adult self, write a letter explaining to your School-Aged self that it was not his/her fault that their needs were unmet and, in your own words, tell the Child that the problems in the family were not caused by him/her either. Furthermore, describe to your child the way it should have been and anything you know about why it was not that way. Be supportive, encouraging, and give the child permission to break the “Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, Don’t Trust” rules. Let this part of you know it is okay to have your feelings now because you are here to protect and allow that.
Now, help your School-Aged write a letter to your parents expressing any anger, sadness, grief and other feelings that your Child has held over the years. As you finish the letter, let any feelings surface and come out as you comfort your inner child. (You might want to use a teddy bear and rocking chair combined with the sanctuary or other safe place of your own choosing to facilitate this experience)
When you feel ready to continue, as the healthy adult you, write a letter to your School-Aged-Self stating how you feel about the care he or she received. Tell your child within what you’re willing to provide for him or her from this time forward. Imagine your Adult-Self reading this letter to your Inner Child somewhere, one-on-one in the sanctuary. Again, as you complete this, imagine that you comfort your Child-Self in whatever way seems best to you.
Conclude this grieving process by closing your eyes and surround yourself and your Inner Child with spiritual light from your higher power. In the next step, all the pain that has been express will be released in all the wounds that have been opened will be healed. Take a cleansing breath and bring your focus back to the room and open your eyes.
4:9 Releasing Blocked Emotions
This exercise lets your inner child release the pain in two ways; emotionally, and spiritually. For the process of emotional release, you will need the following items: your journal, all your drawings and writings from the previous step, a copy of the picture of your inner child, and a campfire (outside) or fireplace (inside). If inside, scented candles, background music (CD) and a comfortable, safe space where you won’t be interrupted are also suggested.
Again, if any section of these exercises does not seem right for you, just discard or modify that section and complete the ones that do seem to fit:
Emotional Release…
Set up your space, light your candles if you choose, and put on your music. Now, take all the drawings, writings, and letters that you prepared in the previous steps and decide which ones you feel you need to release in the fire. Also, have your picture of this Child nearby.
Imagine the light within your body begins to grow and expand until it surrounds you and fills up the entire room/area. Now, in your minds-eye, bring in your Child-Self…hold him or her safely in your arms, or comfortably settle your School-Aged Child somewhere in the room/area. You may want to use a teddy bear to symbolize the younger Children within.
Focus on the feelings you will be releasing. Mentally review the work you and your Child have done, the issues you have discovered, and the healing you have experienced so far. Now, silently ask your Child if he or she is ready to let go of its pain.
When the two of you are ready, take one of the drawings, letters, or pieces of writing and symbolically release it by dropping it into the fire. Imagine the emotions represented on that piece of paper are released into the flame and carried away by the smoke. Release your inner child’s drawing that represents the panic and fear, your list of bargaining behaviors, the anger, despair and any other letters or written work you feel a need to release. Burn one piece of paper at a time, so you’re able to focus on the contents of that page.
4:10 Release & Reimprinting this Stage
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 44a – Spiritual Release
Now record this experience in your journal. This child has much joy and adventure to offer once the trust is there that you will meet his or her needs. Know that if the pain of this younger self gets triggered that you will be able to separate from the pain by letting the child remain safely in the Sanctuary while the Adult you attends to the triggering situation.
Your fears of setting boundaries and your caution about taking risks may never completely disappear. In fact, it would not even be desirable to have them gone. It is important to be able to determine when it is safe and appropriate to trust as well as when it is not. Just know that, by completing this work the wounds of abandonment have been treated and a healing process initiated. You will get better and better, every day in every way!
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 44b – Parental Timeline Reimprinting
Listen to the audio at least two times or more. Really allow the ideas and images to become vivid and know that you are giving yourself more options by doing so. Write about your experience of the audio in your journal.
[Bonus Audio] Return to Audio #1: Majestic Meadow
As an extra benefit you may complete this work with your Inner Child by returning to Majestic Meadow and the garden of your thoughts. Ask your Inner School-Aged Self how it would like to contribute to this garden now. It may choose certain plants or flowers to symbolically represent a new perspective, healing, and/or the gifts it can now bring to your experiences. Imagine that the two of you make these contributions together so that this Inner Child will be represented in the garden of your growth.