Young Adulthood (20-30)
This stage of development involves our abilities to love and work with others. These abilities are directly affected through a consolidation of the outcomes of the previous child development stages:
Stage One sets the tone for our ability to trust and feel safe – The ability to trust and feel safe helps us connect.
Stage Two sets the tone for how well we can maintain a separate sense of self. – Autonomy allows us to separate from mother.
Stage Three sets the tone for how well we can explore new things and initiate intimate interactions.
Stage Four sets the tone for our ability to feel confident and competent in life and in relationships.
Stage Five sets the tone for how well we can maintain our identity and balance in our lives.
What is Intimacy?
The term intimacy is often viewed through the very narrow focus of sexual activity. This is a mistake – first of all, because strangers can have sex and never be even remotely intimate in the true sense of the word. Secondly, healthy sexual intimacy is a reward of having built an authentically intimate relationship.
Adding sexual intercourse to a relationship too soon can be like injecting it with poison; there are too many strings, expectations, and emotional baggage that come with this decision. If one or both partners are not at a place where these issues can be worked through and talked out all sorts of problems result – if there are not enough intimacy skills available to either person the new relationship cannot survive these problems.
True intimacy is free of psychological games such as the Figure-Eight and Drama Triangle. It occurs in those rare moments of human contact that arouse such feelings as desire, tenderness, empathy, vulnerability, affirmation and affection. Intimacy combines genuine giving and receiving with the candidness of "game-free" communication.
Authenticity is the core element of healthy intimacy. This is where I am able to share who I really am, and what I really think and feel with you and you are healthy enough to do, likewise.
What is Isolation?
Some level of isolation is the result when developmental outcomes have not been consistently positive in the previous child development stages. Levels of isolation may be viewed on a continuum between an extreme avoidance of closeness to a relentless pursuit of enmeshment. In both cases, the person becomes absorbed in their own needs.
Here we see impairment in the ability to maintain a sense of separateness and connectedness in the relationship. Externalizers tend to have a strong conscious fear of being trapped while Internalizers tend to experience a strong conscious fear of abandonment.
A fear of being trapped or suffocated in a relationship provokes a need to create distance as a way of maintaining a separate sense of self. There are many distancing maneuvers employed by the Externalizer's Critical Parent & Angry/Defiant Child Ego States – here are a few:
• Frequent Fighting
• Emotional Absence (Numbing or Withdrawal)
• Physical Absence
• Work-a-holism
• Other Addictions
• Belittling a Partner
• Other Emotional or Physical Abuse
• Having Affairs
A fear of being abandoned in a relationship provokes a need to pursue, chase, or cling to a partner (which feels suffocating and actually triggers the need to distance in their partner). There are many methods of pursuit employed by the Internalizer's Critical Parent & Vulnerable Child Ego States:
• Frequent Fighting
• Emotional Flooding (frequent crying, or rage, or both)
• Neediness or Being "Clingy"
• Frequent Phone Calls
• Care-taking and people-pleasing
• Constant need for reassurance that they are loved
• Lack of boundaries - fear of saying "No"
• Secretly "Stalking" a Partner
Distance & Pursuit Games
Since the above relationship styles are polar opposites (polarities) they tend to attract each other. This relationship dynamic sets up a constant game of distance & pursuit, also known as "Cat & Mouse".
When the Distancer's conscious fear of being trapped gets triggered, he/she distances from their partner. The distancing behavior feels like abandonment, which triggers the pursuer's conscious fear of abandonment causing them to pursue... which then triggers more distancing...which triggers more pursuit.
However, when the pursuer gives up the pursuit and begins to pull back, it feels like distancing...which trigger's a subconscious fear of abandonment in the Distancer. In other words, the Distancer’s Vulnerable/Needy Child ego-state gets triggered and brings with it the fear of abandonment causing a polarity reversal (role reversal) where the Distancer begins to pursue.
This eventually gets the Pursuer’s (now turned Distancer) attention triggering their Vulnerable/Needy Child causing them to turn around and attempt to enmesh, re-triggering the fear of being trapped in their partner, the Distancer who begins to distance again.
Pursuers are usually the Internalizer in the relationship...
Internalizers are driven by their Vulnerable/Child ego state (the part that helps us connect). They tend to repress their Angry/Defiant Child (the part that helps us separate) which is why the fear of being trapped is subconscious. Distancers often choose Pursuers because they have a subconscious fear of abandonment and Pursuers can’t leave the relationship.
Distancers are usually the Externalizers in the relationship...
Being driven by their Angry/Defiant Child ego state, they tend to repress their Vulnerable/Needy Child causing the fear of abandonment to remain hidden -- until the pursuer begins to distance. When the Distancer’s fear of being trapped is removed because their partner begins to back away, there's an abandonment reaction from their repressed Vulnerable/Needy Child causing them to pursue.
So, Distance and Pursuit games are the only way a wounded couple can regulate separateness and connectedness in their relationship – until they get help to heal the wounds of the past.
6:1 Stage Six Self-Assessment
Unmet needs in each child development stage can be observed in present-day symptoms. For each of the following statements assign a rank between 10 (High) and 0 (not at all).
___ I rely on others to pay my rent, utilities, and food.
___ I am irresponsible about paying monthly bills on time.
___ I do not take care of my laundry, prepare my meals, and clean or contribute to cleaning my home.
___When someone asked me to do something even though I agree, I do not follow through.
___When I get parking or speeding tickets, I do not pay them on time.
___ If I cannot keep an appointment, instead of calling to cancel, I just do not show up.
___ If I harm or damage something that does not belong to me, I remain quiet and hope the owner does not notice.
___ I feel dissatisfied with where I am in my professional growth.
___ I feel unmotivated to pursue the credentials I need for me to do what I want professionally.
___ I do not select jobs that fully reflect my professional capabilities.
___ I am not successful in my relationships with coworkers.
6:2 Journaling Exercise:
What do your answers reveal to you about your comfort level with who you are? If you scored six or above on any item, those are the issues of your Young Adult Self you will want to address.
Keep in mind that the issues of your young adult with and are involved with how well you have moved into the world. Use the following questions to ascertain how you feel about your place in the world. Determine your successes and the areas in which you need to focus.
What are your personal needs and how well do you take care of them?
Is there anyone else who prepares your meals or takes care of any of your basic needs? How do you feel about this?
Is there anyone for whom you are responsible? If so, who? How do you feel about this?
In what areas of your life do you feel you are responsible? And what areas do you feel you’re irresponsible?
Do you have a professional dream? if so, what is it? Are you pursuing it? If not, why not?
What are your financial goals? Do you have the financial knowledge & skills you need to achieve them?
What are your interpersonal needs? Do you get them met? With friends, family, a lover, or spouse?
Are these needs getting met?
What, if any, are your spiritual or religious beliefs? Do you practice them?
Reflect on the strengths you may have developed because of your life experiences.
Now, explore and combine all the data that you obtained from the developmental questionnaire and these journal questions to make a list of issues your inner School-aged self carries.
Some examples are:
Feeling self-conscious in social gatherings
Difficulty, or inability, to complete something you’ve started
Not being able to attain professional goals
Keeping yourself in debt so you never achieve financial stability
Fear of public speaking
6:3 Diagram of Possible Outcomes for Stage Four:
The vertical axis on the diagram below represents the range of possible outcomes for Stage Three – Healthy Intimacy (top) to All-About-Me & All-About-You (bottom). The horizontal continuum represents the range of possible negative outcomes from frequently Externalizer to frequently Internalizer. Put an “X” anywhere on the diagram that fits with your position in your most intimate present day relationships (most of the time).
Figure 21: Stage Six Outcomes Continuum
Keep in mind that we can move around on this line depending upon the situation, circumstances, and especially what ego-state we are in (Angry Child, Vulnerable Child, Critical Parent, etc.) We are likely to stay in the Adult Ego-State at work or out in public.
In our private lives, especially if we are wounded, with loved ones and family members we cannot avoid being triggered into the Externalization of the Angry/Defiant Child and/or the Internalization of the Vulnerable/Needy Child ego-state. This is where and how the Drama Triangle, Figure-Eight, and other dysfunctional relationship patterns arise. (See THAW, Chapter 7)
“Internalizers” or Codependents:
People who have disowned or cut themselves off (dissociated) from their Angry/Defiant Child ego-state tend to get caught up in the Internalizer role – such as those who were not allowed to express anger outwardly or perhaps a parent was abusive and a rage-a-holic so that it was dangerous to express your anger.
“Externalizers” or Counter-Dependents:
Those who have disowned or cut themselves off (dissociated) from their Vulnerable Child ego-state tend to gravitate toward the Externalizer position – such as those who were not allowed to have their feelings or families where vulnerable feelings were considered “weak”.
Healthy, Positive Outcomes:
Those who had a predominantly positive outcome to this and all other stages are able to own and experience both their Angry/Defiant Child and their Vulnerable/Needy Child ego-states from an integrated position – i.e., because they have not been emotionally wounded, these two essential elements of self are simultaneously active and working together in harmony.
The Normal Function of the Vulnerable/Needy and Angry/Defiant Parts of Self:
A healthy Angry/Defiant Part provides access to just enough personal power to establish a sense of separateness while a healthy Vulnerable/Needy part helps let the walls down enough to really connect with others (only those who are safe and also able to connect in healthy ways). It is NOT having the ego-states (i.e., parts of self) that are the problem – it is the level of original pain that each of the parts carry that causes the reactivity.
The ability to maintain a sense of self, be authentic, emotionally present and engaged in the relationship, and be responsible for self are the themes of this stage.
The extent to which we have a positive outcome directly influences our abilities to feel confident, share our thoughts & feelings, and/or respect the thoughts & feelings of others. If we have a negative outcome to this stage we will recycle through the negative emotional themes (abandonment, shame, and contempt) and recreate the experiences of this time in our development until we “get it right” – which is the goal of this section of the program.
Journal Assignment:
Think about how this diagram & issues fit with you and those closest to you. Which outcomes did each of your parents demonstrate most often? How about your past and present relationships? Which outcomes did you and your partners tend to demonstrate? Do you see any patterns or other interesting observations? Note your thoughts and observations in your Journal:
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 61a – Relationship Timelines
Journal Assignment: Write about issues regarding your abilities to be authentic, responsible, emotionally present, and how you handled conflict that you encountered on your adult relationships timeline:
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 61b – Relationship Timelines
Journal Assignment: Write about issues regarding your parent’s ability to be confident, express their thoughts and feelings, and feel “good enough” that you encountered on your childhood relationship timeline. Did they give you permission and demonstrate the ability to feel confident, express your thoughts and feelings, and feel “good enough?”
6:4 Detecting Your Inner Critic:
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 62a – Inner Critic
This exercise helps to give a form to the critical voice or voices you hear inside your head, so that your Ideal Adult/Parent ego-state can communicate with, challenge or confront the negativity. The critical voice is the voice that carries the haunting statements you heard all you life to this point. This voice may tell you that you cannot succeed, that you will make a fool out of yourself, and that you should not even try. This voice will terrorize you, or others when directed outward (externalized) it may tell you that you’ll never fit in, or that you look too fat, too ugly, or too thin.
The part of us that carries these shaming messages from the past is our Critical Parent ego-state. We all need this part of us that can take a critical position in order to anticipate obstacles and help us avoid needless problems – but we don’t need the shaming, the discounting, and the abusive tones and messages that came from those other sources. As an adult, these feelings gathered in early childhood can get translated into “audio tapes”.
Whether turned inward or outward, these inner voices can be very poisonous or toxic, and can take on many shapes and forms. Its messages are usually very clear, and can be very damaging to your children within as well as relationships with others. When working with these critical voices, get support from Higher Power and Protector if needed. Most of your inner children will have a specific voice that haunts them from which they will need to be protected.
As you answer the following questions you may want to imagine yourself surrounded by a protective, spiritual light from your Higher Power…don’t be surprised if your Young Adult Self answers differently than you the Present Self:
What critical statements do you make to yourself about your ability to succeed?
What critical statements do you make to yourself about your ability to be responsible?
What critical statements do you make to yourself regarding your masculinity or femininity?
What critical statements do you make to yourself about the opposite sex?
What critical statements do you make to yourself about your professional achievements?
Where have you heard those statements before? Whose voice is this? Is it the voice of a parent? A relative? A teacher? A clergy member? A classmate? Coach? Are these statements that you have heard from society or through the media? Is this voice imagined or real?
Imagine that you, as the inner Adult, speak to this voice. Ask this voice what it wants. What is its positive intention? Is it trying to protect, teach, warn you?
Create or find a picture of this critical voice. Know that this picture represents the feeling of fear and judgment created by the messages you received that said you would not, could not, should not succeed.
When you have finished the picture, go back to the original critical statements in items 1 through 6 above and rewrite them in your journal. Then, next to each critical statement, write a positive affirmation. Notice your self-talk and formulate your affirmation as a response; i.e., if the self-talk uses first-person, then form the affirmation as a response in second-person. (See Examples)
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 32b – Inner Critic 2
Examples:
Critical Statement: If I tell him/her what I really think he/she may get mad and leave me.
Positive Affirmation: When you share you true thoughts and feelings you strengthen the relationship because you are creating an authentic relationship.
Critical Statement: They are so stupid!
Positive Affirmation: It’s normal to make mistakes, even silly blunders once in a while.
NOTE:
Remember to have your Ideal Adult/Parent or your Higher Power, interact with this Inner Critic whenever it appears. Have them to use these affirmations whenever you hear these wounding words. Reassure your inner child that the critical voice will no longer go unchallenged.
6:5 Stage Six: Issues & Symptoms
It’s time to consolidate; review your answers from the Self-Assessment Questionnaire, Audio Programs, your observations about the Outcomes Diagram and journal entries for this stage of development. Now, complete the following Stage Six Inner Young Adult Profile below.
It is important to take your time to complete this exercise as thoroughly as possible. Listen to the audio programs as many times as you find helpful or if you get stuck. Don’t worry if you cannot find the root cause (i.e., original circumstances), but it is a big bonus if you do. You are likely to uncover even more information in later exercises that will help fill in the blanks. When that happens, just come back here and add anything else that comes up. Here is an example of the Issues and a format to write it out in your Journal. Outline as many issues as you can come up with. You cannot over-do this work, but you can under-do it.
Identified Issue: (Problematic behavior)
I never seem able to pay my bills on time and my credit rating is such that I cannot even get a loan for a car.
The Root Cause: (Original Circumstances)
My parents were always short of money. There were seven kids and there never seemed to be enough of anything to go around. Most family crises centered on a lack of money.
Evidence in Present Day: (How I treat myself)
I do not pay my debt to my body on time. I don’t go to the dentist or the doctor regularly. I am not responsible to my needs to eat or bathe on a consistent basis.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 63a – Reclaim this Part
Your Young Adult Self may carry pain, but underneath it also carries all of your personal history; including past successes, lessons & understandings from past mistakes, and many inner resources – integrating all of this into the subconscious mind as wisdom. You may now have a better awareness of these. In the exercises you have done so far, what have you learned about your Teenage self and about how you continue to carry these traits? Write any thoughts or feelings related to this exercise below.
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 63b – Adult Meets this Part
These meetings with your inner children can be emotional; sometimes it’s like meeting a stranger, other times it’s like meeting an old friend. Record your thoughts, feelings, and reactions to this audio below. End the experience by asking your young adult self to help you find a photograph or a picture from a magazine that looks like him or her. Paste or tape this picture into your journal so you can look at it and began to ask more in-depth questions and then write about how this picture makes you feel.
6:6 Communication & Daily Dialogue
The exercise will help the Adult-self separate further from your Children within by helping you determine their likes and their dislikes. It also gives your Young Adult self a chance to ask you questions. In this way, the adult and this Part begin to develop a healing and healthy relationship. Here you go inside and imagine having a conversation with your inner Young Adult self. Record the conversation in your journal. This can become a “daily dialogue” if you choose.
If you do not get verbal answers from this Part of you, try to interpret body language, feelings, sounds, or other sensations that you can intuit. Some people feel they communicate best with this part of themselves using a form of imaginary telepathy. If that works for you, use it. As you work with the older Parts of self, their ability to communicate will mature.
To begin your dialogue, write each question in your journal using your most dominant hand. Use your least dominant hand to record your inner children’s responses. Use the name for the child that you chose in the previous visualization exercise.
Ask your young adult what his or her or her favorite activity is.
What plans does this young adult you have at this point in your life; College, a job, marriage, or following a dream?
What are his or her dreams or aspirations? What would he or she most like to be?
Ask your younger adult within to tell you about the fears of not knowing how to succeed in the world. Is there any confusion about what role that young adult is supposed to play?
What does this younger you need the most from the adult you?
How does this part of you feel about the adult you? Does it feel abandoned or ignored by you? Why?
Does the young adult understand what it means to be reclaimed by you? If not, explain that it means you will help your young adult learn what he or she needs to learn in order to succeed in the adult world. You’ll take classes, read books, even higher nationals if need be, to ensure the needs of this inner child are met.
Does your young adult need help preparing for college or have questions that only you can address?
Is there anything your young adult wants to know about you? Are there any concerns he or she has about what you have done or are doing with your life?
Learn to use this journal exercise daily by tuning into the feelings you have throughout the day and realizing that it may be one of your inner children signaling you that they need your attention. Remember the format for “feelings as signals from your inner Parts” to know when the child needs to talk with you.
6:7 Developing an Advisor
Your young adult will need inner role-models who can act as advisers for each of the adult task he or she has identified as issues, such as balancing your checkbook, enrolling in school, seeking other employment, buying a new car, how to invest your money, how to choose a mate, how to improve your social life, etc.:
Focus on the issue for which you need the Advisor. Ask the young adult to tell you about a person or character for which it feels the most trust. If your child can select anyone in the world, real or imagined, to always be there, who would choose?
If one cannot be identified, work together to create a protector or adviser. Make a list of all the characteristics an adviser would need. Either draw or imagine in the image of the ideal adviser.
Create an adviser for each issue.
Complete this exercise by making a partnership between this Advisor and the Adult-Self. Call in your Higher Power as well, if this seems appropriate, because these three are the team that will heal the Children within. Record any thoughts, feelings, or other reactions to this exercise in your journal.
6:8 Grieving your Losses
This exercise will take you step-by-step through the grieving process so that you may let go of the blocked emotions from this stage of your development. You have gathered a lot of information from the previous exercises. Don’t worry if you don’t feel you have many answers to the following questions in this stage. Trust your instinct, let the answers come to you intuitively, and do the best you can.
Some steps of this process are done by you as the Present Adult, and some are done by you as the Younger Adult.
Journal Exercises:
You will need your journal, drawing materials, and separate sheets of paper. Do these exercises on the loose sheets of paper – not in your journal. Everyone grieves in their own way. If any section of these exercises does not seem right for you, just discard or change that section and complete the ones that do seem to fit.
In your minds eye, see your Young Adult Self before you. Ask this part of you to consider times/events in the past when you felt anger, hurt, fear, sadness, or shame related to your abilities to be authentic, responsible, emotionally present, and how you handled conflict. List these events one-by-one and then prioritize them from least painful to most painful. For our purposes here, don’t worry about describing the events or experiences in detail…just give them a name such as “that time in the kitchen with so-and-so.” If the experience is too painful, just use one or two words to describe it for now such as “kitchen”.
Now ask your Young Adult Self to draw or describe in written words a picture representing the feelings he or she has carried over the years (artistic talent not required). Have this Part of you describe in writing or drawing each of the events or experiences you just listed above from least painful to most painful. Then, reflect on any other times in your life when you experienced anger, hurt, fear, sadness, or shame about your abilities to be authentic, responsible, emotionally present, and how you handled conflict … draw or describe in words a picture for any of these times you feel would be appropriate. (no more than ten examples)
Now, as your Ideal Adult Self (True Self), think back to the times you’ve tried to control these situations in your life so you wouldn’t have to feel these feelings. Then list the survival skills your Little Professor devised to try to manipulate, bargain, or control in an attempt to get this Child’s needs for safety, nurturing, or trust met at those times. (e.g., hostility, aggressiveness, persecutor stance, angry outbursts, distancing or pursuing, addictions, etc.)
When you feel ready to continue, as the Adult Self (True Self) writes a letter to each of your Young Adult Self stating how you feel about the mistakes and difficulties of that time. Tell your Young Adult Self what you’re willing to provide for them from this time forward. Imagine your adult-self reading this letter to this part of you.
Conclude this grieving process by closing your eyes and surround yourself and your Inner Child with spiritual light from your higher power. In the next step, all the pain that has been express will be released in all the wounds that have been opened will be healed. Take a cleansing breath and bring your focus back to the room and open your eyes.
6:9 Releasing Blocked Emotions
This exercise lets your Young Adult release the pain in two ways; emotionally and spiritually. For the process of emotional release, you will need the following items: your journal, all your drawings and writings from the previous steps, a copy of the picture of your Young Adult, and a campfire (outside) or fireplace (inside). If inside, scented candles, background music (CD) and a comfortable, safe space where you won’t be interrupted are also suggested.
Again, if any section of these exercises does not seem right for you, just discard or modify that section and complete the ones that do seem to fit:
Emotional Release…
Set up your space, light your candles if you choose, and put on your music. Now, take all the drawings, writings, and letters that you prepared in the previous steps and decide which ones you feel you need to release in the fire. Also, have your picture of this Part nearby.
Imagine the light within your body begins to grow and expand until it surrounds you and fills up the entire room/area. Now, in your minds-eye, bring in your Young-Adult-Self…put your arm around that part of you, hold hands or find another way to connect in a supportive way.
Focus on the feelings you will be releasing. Mentally review the work you and your Younger Self have done, the issues you have discovered, and the healing you have experienced so far. Now, silently ask this Part if he or she is ready to let go of its pain.
When the two of you are ready, take one of the drawings, letters, or pieces of writing and symbolically release it by dropping it into the fire. Imagine the emotions represented on that piece of paper are released into the flame and carried away by the smoke. Release your Young-Adult-Self’s drawing that represents the panic and fear, your list of bargaining behaviors, the anger, despair and any other letters or written work you feel a need to release. Burn one piece of paper at a time, so you’re able to focus on the contents of that page.
6:10 Release & Reimprinting this Stage
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 64a – Spiritual Release
Now record this experience in your journal. This child has much joy and adventure to offer once the trust is there that you will meet his or her needs. Know that if the pain of this younger self gets triggered that you will be able to separate from the pain by letting the Younger you remain safely in the Sanctuary while the Present Adult you attends to the triggering situation.
Your fears of setting boundaries, being loved, and your caution about taking risks and trusting others may never completely disappear. In fact, it would not even be desirable to have them gone. It is important to be able to determine when it is safe and appropriate to trust as well as when it is not. Just know that, by completing this work the wounds of abandonment have been treated and a healing process initiated. You will get better and better, every day in every way!
[Audio Alert] Listen to Audio Program 64b – Parental Timeline Reimprinting
Listen to the audio at least two times or more. Really allow the ideas and images to become vivid and know that you are giving yourself more options by doing so. Write about your experience of the audio in your journal.
[Bonus Audio] Return to Audio #1: Majestic Meadow
As an extra benefit you may complete this work with your Young Adult by returning to Majestic Meadow and the garden of your thoughts. Ask your Young Adult Self how it would like to contribute to this garden now. It may choose certain plants or flowers to symbolically represent a new perspective, healing, and/or the gifts it can now bring to your experiences. Imagine that the two of you make these contributions together so that this younger you will be represented in the garden of your growth.