If you ask them, most men would tell you that they would like to be powerful, free, and happy. Isn’t it funny that so few really are? Growing up, we’re taught that happiness is the result of having four basic elements in life: material wealth, vocational success, love, and good health. If you have these, you’re happy. But we see again and again that it doesn’t work that way. There are plenty of rich, successful, and healthy family men who are unhappy. We also see plenty of men who are sorely lacking in any of those four areas yet still manage to be really happy.
Here’s the secret: Deep happiness doesn’t come from having ‘the big four.’ Deep happiness is a whole other element. And like a career, a relationship, or a healthy body, our happiness needs special attention and nurture. There’s a process of self-work and self-examination that men need to do to fully understand themselves and in order to tend to their basic happiness needs. Most men these days aren’t very good at this process. The kind of happiness we are talking about here is a contentedness that is our basic center of gravity in life, a happiness that’s living deep in the marrow of our bones. This deep happiness – sometimes I call it radical happiness – is a hard-won, unconditional state of deep wellbeing that can’t be shaken by the ups and downs of life. This deep happiness isn’t a smiley-faced, cosy kind of glee that comes because some thing or some situation is the way you want it. This deep happiness comes because your life is the way you want it, and you as a man are the way you want to be.
It’s the same with power. Strength, potency, mojo, power – these are core aspects of being a man. Every man wants to be strong. No man wants to be powerless or impotent. The kind of power we are thinking of here is not just a momentary state or a temporary position. We’re not talking about winning anything or dominating anyone. The kind of potency we mean is a core state of being. True Power is the power that comes when you are steady in yourself and connected to your deepest true self. True Power is there for you when you know who you are, you have your demons in check and you’re tapped into the ever-present living energy of the universe. It is unstoppable, unconditional, and doesn’t rely on anyone or anything. This power is what we are at the core. It comes when we are rooted in our essence, our Soul Energy. This kind of core potency doesn’t increase when we dominate others. In fact, it seems to thrive when everyone and everything – your family, your co-workers, your friends – are all thriving and powerful too. Having backbone means that you have core strength. The same way that your whole body is supported by your spine, your whole life of vision is supported by your mana – your backbone.
True Power is there for you when you know who you are, you have your demons in check and you’re tapped into the ever-present living energy of the universe.
As we set out on the Red Road, we need to learn to make a basic shift: from outer focus to inner focus. We have seen again and again examples of outwardly focused men who have all the best things – all the success, all the love, and all the accolades from the world – but who are still miserable or alienated because they lack something on the inside. Think of the drug-addicted millionaire entertainers, or crash-and-burn celebrities in the tabloids. They’re beautiful, talented, and rich, and everyone loves them, but they still aren’t happy. Watch the news or read your history books to see the outwardly powerful men who become tyrants trying to satisfy the urge to overcome their inner feelings of impotence. Men with core power don’t need to dominate others. Domination comes when inwardly impotent men have too much outer power. They have whole armies and nations under their control, but they can’t control their own mind or know when to quit, or take care of their families.
On the other end of the spectrum from the fortunate-miserable people and the impotent tyrants, we know of men who have miserable outer circumstances, or who are totally stripped of outer power, but who still manage to be happy and powerful on an inner level. Think of Nelson Mandela in prison, or Viktor Frankl in Auschwitz.
Superficial power and momentary happiness are like empty calories. We can eat and eat and eat, but we’re never full, and never nourished in a deep way. Also, like junk food, these empty-soul calories take their toll on us. Getting caught up in their pursuit is what brings on the Black Road conditions of hardness, passivity, or the naive chasing of bliss.
I want to share with you something that was revealed to me. I call them the Three Keys to Happiness. If you truly learn these Three Keys, you will be well on your way to whatever transformation you’re looking for. These Three Keys are the foundation of my whole approach to spiritual training and personal development. First, let me tell you the story of how they were revealed to me. This story can only be told in a men’s book.
The Keys were revealed to me in 2012 when I was on a very special and sacred pilgrimage. The pilgrimage was to the Harley Davidson Motorcycle dealership in Great Neck, New York to buy my 2010 Harley Davidson FXDB Street Bob. People who know me know that I am an avid rider. Here in New York I’m known for rumbling up to my meditation class, ready to lead people into their peaceful, silent practice.
Earlier that year, my old motorcycle had been totally destroyed in ‘Sandy,’ the quasi-hurricane that ravaged this part of the country with floods. After several grueling weeks with nothing to ride, I finally got my insurance payment and was ready to get a replacement. I found the bike I was looking for, took the trip from Manhattan to Long Island, test rode the bike, loved it, and was in the process of finalizing the purchase when the Three Keys were magically revealed.
When you buy a motorcycle, there’s a process. You can’t just say, ‘Yep – this one!’ hop on, and ride away. First you have to haggle over the price, and then you have to arrange the financing, then the title, the insurance, etc. There’s a process, and it takes a while. Remember, I had not been on two wheels in several weeks and was chomping at the bit to get on my new bike and ride it home. But I couldn’t: I was stuck in an office at the dealership with a man filling out the paperwork.
I don’t remember his name. He was a big man with long hair and a Harley T-shirt stretched over his big belly. Outside, the sun was going down, and I was getting impatient. The process seemed to be taking forever. Making small talk, the Harley guy asked, ‘So, Dave, what do you do for a living?’ I get asked this question all the time by people who really don’t care. It’s something people ask to break the silence. And what I do for a living is strange to a lot of people; it’s not that easy to explain. I didn’t really want to get into that whole conversation there. I wanted to get on my new bike and hit the road. So I gave a short, vague answer, trying to brush him off so he could focus on finishing the paperwork.
‘I run a small business.’
‘Oh, yeah? What kind of business?’ He didn’t look up from his papers. I didn’t really think the Harley guy wanted to know about meditation, and the Red Road, and all the stuff I actually do in my business, so, again I tried to blow him off.
‘It’s a training business.’
‘Oh, yeah? What kind of training do you do?’ he asked. Now he had me up against a wall. I could have gone with one of my usual ordinary answers like ‘Stress reduction’ or ‘Leadership,’ but for some reason I said something much weirder:
‘I train people to be happy.’
There was silence. Then the guy put his pen down on his desk, leaned back into his creaking chair, crossed his arms across his big belly and looked me in the face. ‘Okay. So, tell me, Dave, what’s the secret to happiness?’
He wasn’t being an asshole, he was sincere. He was genuinely curious. If someone is for real, I don’t care who they are or where we are – I’m happy to share my two cents with them. I really didn’t want to blow him off. But the sun was setting and I didn’t want to get into a long conversation. I wanted to get on the road! So, somehow Grace, or the Great Spirit, or the Old Gods smiled on me, and that’s when it happened. Out of my mouth, I heard this:
‘All of the deeply happy people that I know have two things in common: they know what their purpose in life is, and are on track with that purpose. And they have some kind of “spiritual connection” that works for them.’
A moment of silence passed, and my new friend thought about it for a second and then said, ‘Yeah, I guess that sounds about right.’ He leaned forward, picked up his pen, and went back to his paperwork.
A few minutes later I got my new beautiful beast and was booming down the highway reflecting on that conversation. ‘A clear purpose and a connection to Spirit. Is that it?’ As I rode, I added a third important thing: People who are deeply happy, along with living their purpose and having a spiritual connection, also have, in one way or another, gotten free from the inner and outer bullshit that most unhappy people carry around. ‘Wow, that’s it!’ I thought.
The First Key gives us the power of fiery purpose, the Second Key connects us to the power of the universe, the Third Key gives us power because it gets us free from the stuff that holds us back and drains our energy.
So the Three Keys are:
1. Know your true purpose in life, and be on track with living your vision
2. Cultivate a strong and authentic spiritual connection
3. Get free from your bullshit.
Each Key gives us tremendous power. The First Key gives us the power of fiery purpose, the Second Key connects us to the power of the universe, the Third Key gives us power because it gets us free from the stuff that holds us back and drains our energy. It took me 25 years of personal practice and a couple of decades of teaching others to realize it, but really the whole secret to deep transformation and success on the Red Road boils down to these Three Keys. These are the basic three mega steps that you’ll need to take to really move into your life as a deeply happy, vision-driven, passionate, powerful man.
The Big Four – growing up, we have been taught that happiness comes from ‘the big four’: material wealth, vocational success, love, and good health.
Deep Happiness – this is a hard-won, unconditional state of deep wellbeing that can’t be shaken by the ups and downs of life.
The Three Keys to Happiness
1 Know your true purpose in life, and be on track with living your vision.
2 Cultivate a strong and authentic spiritual connection.
3 Get free from your bullshit.
How have you have been searching for happiness in ‘the big four’ (material wealth, vocational success, love, and good health)? When you did experience happiness in one of these areas, what did you notice? Was it fleeting? Did you find yourself depending on it to ‘make’ you happy? Then what happened?
Now reflect on the Three Keys to Happiness. We are going to look at each one of these in detail in the next three chapters, but just on a first glance, how much of the following is true for you:
• I know what my purpose is and I’m on track with it.
• I have a strong, authentic spiritual connection.
• I deal with my bullshit.
Take a moment to journal your findings.
Now that we have raised the question of what it means to be deeply happy as a man, in the following chapters we’ll get into each of the keys in more detail.