Once we have our King in place, once we have a good sense of our purpose in life, once we have our mission, we need some serious masculine power to make it all happen. We need balls to support our backbone. That’s the role of our inner Warrior. The Warrior is the innate power every man has inside to get shit done, move forward, and stand up to challenges. The Warrior is the part of us that faces and defeats our inner enemies and outer obstacles. It’s the inner Warrior’s job to protect, serve, and make sure our mission happens. It is the Warrior that is charged with protecting the vision of the King and bringing that vision into reality, no matter how hard it is.
Most men today need more Warrior energy. Even typically ‘tough’ men or men with combat-oriented jobs need to tune up this aspect of their inner power. In general, men today have become passive. Many men are passive physically – modern life doesn’t require us to do much with our bodies anymore. This same passivity shows up on an inner level too. We give up too many victories to our fears and weaknesses. We’ve lost the ability to stand our ground and fight the battles we need to fight; we let our life push us around.
Instead of Warriors we have become worriers. When we don’t face actual challenges in our outer life, we get consumed by the ‘could be’ and ‘what if’ challenges in our head. If there’s something off in our life, we worry about it. We fret about it and hope it doesn’t get worse. It’s as if we can see a potential enemy approaching in the distance but respond by sitting there and hoping he doesn’t arrive too soon. Warriors don’t worry, they act. They ride out to meet the potential enemy and size him up. The Warrior tells the enemy to stop approaching, and if he doesn’t halt, the Warrior stops him. Men without strong inner Warrior energy don’t know how to set boundaries. They allow way too much bullshit into their life. Getting your inner Warrior is about getting out of your head and into your body. Out of the fantasy and into reality. Out of thinking about problems and into solving, attacking, and defeating problems.
Instead of Warriors we have become strugglers. Somewhere we have been led to believe that life is about constant struggle. You hear of men who struggle with a weight problem, depression, or their finances. You can struggle for a long time and there’s no promise of relief. If we are strugglers, we were probably raised by strugglers that taught us that struggling is normal. Warriors don’t struggle, they fight with everything they’ve got. They fight with excellence and masterful skill; they will win or lose. If a Warrior loses, he retreats, retrains, retools, and fights again with all he’s got. He fights until he is triumphant. Too many men today have lost this sense of triumph. Finding your inner Warrior is about learning to fight for a triumphant life.
Instead of Warriors we have become whiners. When our worrying and avoiding and struggling fail and we’re actually faced with a challenge, we roll over and take it while we whine about it. When that enemy that we were worrying about gets to our village, we just go and get him some water, let him raid the village while we bitch and complain that it’s not fair. The Warrior doesn’t whine. He doesn’t just talk about what he’s gonna do or what he should do. He either does it, or he doesn’t. In general the Warrior has less to complain about because he doesn’t let the enemy get too close to begin with. He takes charge of his life and knows how to set and defend his boundaries.
There are many reasons why men abandon or ignore their inner Warrior energy. But the main reason is that we don’t know how to use it. When I first started riding serious motorcycles such as Harley Davidsons, I was afraid of the throttle. I didn’t really know how to ride big bikes, and the power in their huge engines scared the hell out of me. When I rode them I used the brakes too much and was very sheepish with the throttle. I was afraid that if I opened it up and unleashed the power of the engine, the bike would move too fast. I was worried that I would lose control and crash. I thought avoiding the throttle would keep me from harm. As I got more training and practice and became more comfortable handling the machine, I learned to love the throttle. I love being able to make the motorcycle move quickly if it needs to. And I’ve also learned that the throttle is as important for safety as the brakes. You need to be able to throttle up and evade hazards, and going much slower than traffic on a motorcycle is downright dangerous. I think a lot of us feel the same about our masculine powers. Deep down, we know that our strong male energies can be dangerous. And they can be, if we don’t know how to operate them. But it’s also dangerous when we fail to operate them. We don’t crash from going too fast; we crash because we can’t get out of the way of traffic. If we disown our Warrior, we are in danger of not living our Truth.
Lots of ‘intelligent’ men shy away from Warrior energy if it seems to be too macho. They associate Warrior energy with shallow cartoon machismo. They think of Rambo or other tough guys in movies. As we start owning our power it’s important that we remember that we’re connecting our Warrior energy, not someone else’s. There are all kinds of ideas of what Warrior energy should look like. Tough guys, hard guys, stoic guys, intense guys; for us to really travel our Red Road, it’s up to us to find our unique expression of Warrior energy and bring it out in a way that is authentic to us. It’s not about imitating some idea of toughness, it’s about digging in and finding the action-oriented, passionate, unstoppable aspect of our own self.
The Warrior energy is not something we need to get from outside. It’s an innate energy that flows in our blood. All of us. Inside of every one of us is a hunter, a soldier, a weapon-wielding, fearless, protecting, killing Warrior. It’s an archetype, an innate power that we’re born with. To get the Three Keys intact, you need this power up and running. The Warrior is the part of you that will keep you on track with your vision. It is also the part that will give you the discipline needed to really make progress in a spiritual practice. And for getting free from bullshit, you need to be fearless to face it all and fierce to break through and really get free.
Question: How tough, how strong, how fierce does your Warrior energy have to be?
Answer: How big is your vision? How tough are the inner and outer obstacles that are in your way?
If your Warrior Power is intact and in balance, you will hold the key to owning your Violence and Grit, and you will learn to face Danger, Fear, Pain, and Challenge.
Every boy, guy, and man carries in them a parcel of violence. No matter who we are or what kind of man we’ve become, we have within us the blood of a Warrior, the blood of a hunter, the blood of a fearsome protector. Whether or not we ever actually engage in real violence, we all have this energy within us. It’s part of our hard-wiring. This inner violence is something that few intelligent men are really comfortable with. As we own our inner Warrior, we need to come to grips with our violent energy. It’s not bad; it’s totally natural and necessary. Without the capacity for violence, our ancestors would not have been able to feed their families or defend their property, let alone create nations and advanced civilizations. In our modern life, we can learn to harness this energy to create our ideal life and drive away distractions and obstacles.
Some men are more in touch with this aspect of themselves than others. Some men get into martial arts, firearms, hunting, or military careers. These men can live out some of their Warrior energies through these outer behaviors. But even the cops and soldiers and tough-guy bikers I work with struggle with this violent aspect of their masculinity.
Most men today have very little outlet for their violent energies – or even awareness of them. We might enjoy watching violence on a screen, or the vicarious battles of spectator sports; we might like the bombing and shooting and fighting in video games, but still be out of touch with our own deep violence.
This energy is physical. This violence is not mental – it lives as a potential for violence in our body, in our muscles and nervous system. When someone threatens or insults us or pisses us off, a reaction stirs in us. There is something in us that wants to strike, strangle, or even kill the offender. Of course, a man of honor will learn to channel his violence so as not to harm people around him. A Warrior knows how to wield force skillfully. But misdirecting our violence isn’t the problem. The problem is when we disown or squash these energies. When this happens we become downright passive. Many men today suffer from this condition. They lack even the most basic sense of action, let alone a war-making, spear-chucking, mammoth-hunting Warrior spirit.
When someone threatens or insults us or pisses us off, a reaction stirs in us. There is something in us that wants to strike, strangle, or even kill the offender.
I’m not saying that we need to go out and buy weapons or start hunting or brawling. Not at all. I’m saying that we need to acknowledge this aspect of ourselves and honor it, and learn to direct its intense energy towards our purpose and vision. This intensity, this inner violence we all have in our genes, in our cells, gives our inner Warrior potency.
When we don’t own or operate this aspect of the Warrior skillfully, we either become the passive struggler, worrier, or whiner, or our natural male aggressive energy comes out sideways in unhealthy and unhelpful ways. We get grumpy, or we rage at the people closest to us. In the most extreme cases it comes out in actual misplaced physical violence. We beat our families, or get into bar fights. We road rage. A cop who doesn’t own his inner Warrior will use too much force when arresting someone. A middle manager or office guy might act out his disowned violence by being petty, writing people up on stupid violations, or being generally nasty with his underlings and co-workers. A bureaucrat out of touch with his Warrior will become the proverbial ‘ball buster’ – the guy who always says no, or who makes things unnecessarily hard for people. If we don’t know how to channel our inner violence, we become naysayers, or we’re mean to animals, or we live in a generally angry way. We become toxic. We create an ugly world where delicate things cannot survive. A Warrior owns his inner violence and uses it to protect the delicate things in his world. He uses his intensity to serve his mission and fight for his vision.
Some men who have disowned violence are ‘hot heads’; they are known for their temper and people steer clear of them when they’re angry. Everyone tiptoes around the volatile, moody guy and avoids speaking the truth. These men will either push everyone away or attract only passive people who avoid any confrontation.
When we own this inner aspect of ourselves as men and really learn to use it well, we are cooler than the average man. We are less likely to lose our temper and more likely to command situations in our life. Others know not to fuck with us, but they also are not afraid that we’re going to freak out or lash out.
These are all examples of the violent energy coming out in unhealthy ways; sometimes it doesn’t come out at all.
If a man really denies this side of himself he becomes passive, like a neutered animal. He’s soft, he has no teeth, no ability to say no, or stick up for himself. This is what Robert Bly called the ‘soft male.’ This sort of guy is susceptible to all kinds of shit – oppression, depression, and exploitation. The modern corporate/political world depends on men not having any teeth. I don’t know how the corporate world would work if all men found their inner Warrior.
My dad was like that. He couldn’t stand up to my mother. She was the only one that was allowed to have the violent energy in our family. She wielded it in her toxic, critical bitchiness. She would nag and whine at him, and Dad would just slump in his lazy boy, drink martinis, watch TV, and let time slip by.
People who are into holistic medicine think that repressed, unexpressed, violent energy might be the cause of illnesses like cancer. If the killer in us isn’t expressed outwardly, it expresses itself inward and kills us.
Depression and illness aside, the main casualty of the dis owned Warrior is our life and mission. We need that healthy hunter-killer-warrior energy to fight for what’s important to us and to stand up against the bullshit in life that wants to distract us from our purpose. If we want deep happiness and True Power, we need the ability to fight, not in a bar, but at the office, or with our inner enemies in our meditation room. A man needs to be able to fight for his family, for his relationship. A man needs to be able to say no. He needs to be able to stand up to his woman without freaking out or being a dick. Having backbone means being able to make hard decisions, and being fearless in the face of conflict and threat. We need the ability to ‘kick ass and take names’ in our work, in our community, in our spiritual life – to accomplish our mission and live in our vision. The Inner Warrior gives us passion, and passion is essential for men to live with backbone.
The Inner Warrior gives us passion, and passion is essential for men to live with backbone.
Grit is the quality the Warrior gives us to stay the course, to give us backbone when things are tough. I don’t like to think about being ‘tough.’ I think of tough meat or a calloused heart. In the Lover chapter we’ll learn about being soft when it’s time to be soft. But here we need to talk about getting hard. Part of being a man is facing the hard stuff of life. Our grit is our ability to stand up against whatever is thrown at us without giving up or giving in. Grit is our ability to ‘embrace the suck’ in a hard situation and keep going. It’s our ability to be knocked down and get back up without losing track of where we’re going.
Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.
Mike Tyson
If we’re really living our vision, we will get punched in the face again and again. Unless we’re playing very small we have to learn to realize our vision through a process of trial and error. And this can be like being in the ring with a big sweaty prizefighter. If you have your King and you’re pretty clear about your mission and Core Values, you’ve got a great start. But once you get into the nitty-gritty of actually doing the things in your vision, you’re gonna get hit. If you’re trying to live a big life, you’re going to get knocked down and get the wind knocked out of you. And that’s when you need grit.
If you’re trying to live a big life, you’re going to get knocked down and get the wind knocked out of you. And that’s when you need grit.
As a species, we humans have become soft in the last 200 years. We don’t need to do much hard stuff anymore. We don’t hunt, we don’t farm, we don’t slaughter, we don’t build, we don’t fight. At least you could say that most of us don’t have to do any of these things. We turn on the tap – clean water flows. Turn on your furnace – you’ve got heat. Want to eat the meat of a 700lb animal? Pick up your phone and have it delivered, cooked and ready to go with fries and a Coke. Most men today couldn’t even cut up a potato and deep-fry it, let alone plant, grow, and harvest one.
A man walking the Red Road needs grit. And, in general, most modern men lack this essential quality. I think it’s a generational thing. Even the most domesticated men of past generations knew how to change the oil in their car or build a fire in the woods. They knew the value of hard work and didn’t cry too much if they had to do something that really sucked. They didn’t expect life to be easy, and would step forward to accept difficult challenges when others could not. Part of what helped the men of previous generations – I think – was mandatory military service. My dad, born in 1925, was a suit-wearing, mild-mannered, passive guy in most regards, but if he had to, he knew how to bayonet a man. Once upon a time he had a drill sergeant yelling in his face and had to belly-crawl through mud with a rifle. He may have walked a Black Road and ‘lived small,’ but he was no pussy. Dad had grit.
Dad was born into a generation that sacrificed through world wars and revolutions, and got their grit as a matter of course. He was of a generation of men who assumed they would offer their coat to a lady, or carry a heavy load for her, or stand up to a bully if need be. I, born in 1971, have had to learn to get grit. I’ve had to learn how to do hard stuff, sometimes going out of my way to do so.
How’s your grit? What happens to you when you get punched in the face?
The Warrior in us gives us the ability to be steady in the face of danger. Our sense of danger is not the same as our sense of fear. Fear is a mental thing. Fear is an emotional reaction to thoughts about potential risk or danger. Our sense of danger is a valuable situational awareness we have in the present moment. The Warrior knows how to act in the presence of danger.
There’s a beautiful thing that happens when we allow ourselves to embrace risk and danger. There’s a rush, a flood of supportive energy that sharpens our senses and puts fire in our body. When our Warrior is disowned or weak, we avoid anything dangerous or risky and miss out on this life-giving energy. And when real danger does arise, we freeze or flop. Traditionally, men have even sought out dangerous kinds of play to hone this aspect of themselves. Male animals will play-fight with each other. They are not just learning to hunt, they are expressing something innate. It’s good to know how to handle yourself in the face of danger, and it’s good to be a little dangerous.
Most men today avoid anything acutely dangerous – or at least that’s what they think. They eat bad food and risk heart attack, drive cars, smoke, drink alcohol, and sit idly by while their spouse loses interest in them. They are fine with all these kinds of danger – that’s not what I mean. I am talking about taking conscious risks for the sake of something good. It could be simply risk for fun or adventure, or it could be risk for the sake of growth and success. When we connect to that fearless, danger-facing energy, we are owning our inner Warrior.
When we connect to that fearless, danger-facing energy, we are owning our inner Warrior.
Men going through a ‘midlife crisis’ will seek out danger. They might start riding motorcycles, or having illicit sex with women that endangers their marriage, or start taking other risks. From my point of view, most if not all of the behaviors that society writes off as ‘midlife crisis’ are repressed, healthy male impulses coming to the surface. I see the midlife crisis as less like a crisis and more like a man coming to his senses. Of course he wants to have great sex. Of course he wants to drive a great car, buy a gun, and start wearing leather jackets. If he didn’t let himself do all of that when he was younger, if he suppressed it and settled down, and did what others wanted him to do, then it’s natural for it to erupt. In his forties something kicks in – a sense of time’s urgency, maybe. Or maybe he has some success by then and gets a glimpse of his bigness and wants more. Sometimes it’s just money. Many of us can’t afford to buy the motorcycle until we’re in our midlife. Anyway, I’m simply saying that these eruptions aren’t all bad. Many men are really clumsy at this stage in their life. Many do make fools of themselves and fuck lots of things up. But at least they’re coming alive. Other men aren’t lucky enough to even have these energies stir at midlife.
When this kind of thing happens consciously, it’s a downright wonderful thing. I coach a lot of men through beautiful moments of midlife awakening. The secret to making it a healthy movement is all of this other backbone work that we’re doing. Without the other self-development, what typically happens is that a man will have that awakening/crisis, go crazy, blow off all that repressed steam, and then go back to being just a half-awake guy again.
Many men get a lot out of doing something a little dangerous in their playtime – like surfing or mountain climbing or motorcycling. It’s not about being reckless or ‘playing with fire.’ It’s not about seeking out danger. It’s about being able to face and mitigate (overcome) the danger. When I ride my motorcycle, I know that the way I ride and the awareness I bring to the ride is a matter of life and death. Believe me, I am super cautious and train my ass off so that I am minimizing the chances of going ‘rubber side up.’ The thrill of riding comes because I am doing something potentially dangerous – lethal, actually – but using my skill, wisdom, and situational awareness to make it safe and enjoyable. When I started riding, it was terrifying. I used to joke about wearing a diaper under my leather riding gear for the moments when I shit my pants. Now I can think of few things that give more enjoyment than blazing down the highway. But there is a lethal intensity: what I do and don’t do counts.
These days most of us avoid do-or-die situations. Most men don’t even go near physical danger; more importantly, the same goes for taking risks in love, business, or in their life journey. When we always play it safe, we may stay out of harm’s way, but our inner Warrior is suffocated. If we never leave our comfort zones and take the risks we need to take, we don’t grow or learn. Our life can make us weaker instead of stronger. Our King becomes a mere dreamer. He’s got no army. The great lion’s got no teeth.
When we have our inner Warrior intact, our King’s vision has a ‘fighting chance’ of being realized. We have the grit and guts we need to stay on our path and stay in the fight. To embrace this inner Warrior energy we need to change our relationship to fear, pain, and challenge.
Fear is something that holds most people down. When we embrace our inner Warrior energy, we learn how to eliminate the bogus mental fears that plague most people, and we learn to embrace and overcome the ‘danger response’ that happens as we take risks and go for the big life.
Any new situation will cause the ‘danger response’ – it’s supposed to. When something new happens, our body goes on alert. Imagine walking through the forest and coming upon a bear. Our heart rate increases, our breath changes, our eyes get super focused. We’re ready to run, or fight, or freeze. It’s hard-wired into us and every other mammal. That whole response is there to help us survive our meeting with the bear. Our problem in modern life is that we have this response but there’s no bear! We have this response to a meeting with a boss, to a new relationship, or to a new venture. We have this response when we try something new or risky in the pursuit of our vision. But instead of the response giving us the power boost we need to overcome whatever is presented to us, it cripples us. It becomes a punch in the face.
The Warrior knows how to turn that paralyzing fear into useable energy. Instead of being afraid, we’re ‘stoked.’ Instead of saying ‘Oh no!’ we say ‘Here we go!’ Instead of feeling stuck and holding back, we get stoked, find our grit, and enter the fray. A man with real backbone doesn’t avoid something just because he’s afraid of it.
A man with real backbone doesn’t avoid something just because he’s afraid of it.
Most of the time when we’re afraid, we’re afraid of some kind of pain. As a race, we are terrified of pain and have an overall inability to handle it: mental, physical, or otherwise. There are massive pain-avoidance industries in the Western world. Think about it: the alcohol industry, the pharmaceutical industry, the entertainment industry. In our modern life, one thing we never need to go without is some way to numb or avoid our pain. The Warrior is not a masochist – someone who gets off on pain. But he’s not stopped by his pain either.
The Warrior in us teaches us that pain is often just part of doing important things. But the Warrior also knows how to distinguish between that kind of pain and the pain that’s telling us something is not right and needs to be changed. If you’ve ever tried to transform your body, you know that if you’re not willing to face some pain, you’ll never progress in making your body stronger. The same thing goes for life. Elite military units like the US Navy Seals say that ‘pain is weakness leaving the body.’ In their case they’re talking about their rigorous physical training, but the same thing goes for the heart/mind/life training that we do on our path to deep happiness and backbone. If we’re not willing to face some pain, we will never realize our vision.
The more we sweat in peace, the less we bleed in war.
General George S Patton
Challenge is the other thing we need to make friends with. If something is difficult, that’s not a reason to not do it. In fact, to the Warrior, challenge is a good thing. If we continually do the easy thing, we will only become weaker. When we avoid a challenge, or lose our grit and back off when something gets hard, we not only miss out on the resistance training that getting through the hard stuff gives us, we also lose a bit of self-respect. Think about a challenging situation and how you would feel if you didn’t face it to see what I mean: Do something challenging, anything – and don’t give up until you get through, overcome, and triumph. You will be stronger for staying with it; the next challenge will seem easier. And you’ll enjoy that feeling that is all too scarce these days: pride.
Pride has gotten a bad reputation in the modern psychoanalytic age. Pride is usually thought of as a kind of egoist stupidity or shallow arrogance. But there’s a difference between foolish pride and true pride. True pride is a core quality of a Warrior. We earn pride by sticking to our guns when things get hard. We earn pride by living by our core principles, even when we’re knocked down and bleeding. It’s the pride of a person who finished the triathlon, or the dissertation, or didn’t give up on their kid. It’s the pride of a craftsman who still cares and does his work the hard way.
True pride is a core quality of a Warrior.
Make a list of your fears. Include at least ten. Figure out how you can change your feeling from fear to exhilaration: From ‘Oh no’ to ‘Here we go!’ If you want to ‘get into’ the fears and look at where they’re from, go ahead. But the main thing is to figure out how you can get stoked to face the fears.
Make a list of pains you have to face as you go about living your vision. List at least ten and figure out what you need to do to ‘embrace the suck’ and embrace the pain as a necessary toll on the Red Road to deep happiness and True Power.
Make a list of the top challenges that are a part of your vision. Again, think of at least ten and visualize and describe how it will feel to stay the course and triumph in them. What strengths will you build, what kind of pride will you feel?
One day, as I was coming out of meditation, I had a vision and an insight that rocked my world. As my memory began to stir, I saw in my mind’s eye the face of a kid I’d known in high school, Tony. I hadn’t thought of Tony in decades! And here he was in my meditation room. I have learned to pay attention to these post-meditation visions, so I contemplated Tony and got a potent and ass-kicking life lesson.
Tony was a black kid in the same grade as me, and he was a little unusual. Most of the black kids in our school were into hip-hop music, sports, and typical urban culture. There were street gangs in our town and many of the black kids identified with the gangs. Tony was different. He was from a working-class family like many of the other kids, but he wasn’t into that culture. Tony was into heavy metal and smoking dope and playing bass in a cover band. Instead of wearing the standard urban uniform of the day, Tony wore band shirts and spiked wristbands with skinny jeans and tall boots. He was taller than most of the kids in our class, but he wasn’t into basketball or any sports. Tony caught a lot of shit from the other kids – especially the other young black males. I was a stoner, so I had a natural alliance with the metalheads. I knew Tony because I smoked cigarettes in the bathroom with him.
When I contemplated my vision, I remembered coming out after school one day to see a crowd of kids gathered around the parking lot of the school. Our high school had a big parking lot ringed by a circular curb. All the kids were lined up around the circle, watching and cheering. I ran up to see what everyone was looking at. As I got to the curb I saw that in the middle of the big circle were two young gangbangers picking a fight with Tony. They were pushing him back and forth trying to pick a fight. Everyone was cheering for one side or the other. It was horrible; Tony was scared: he was clearly going to get his ass kicked.
I stood there on the curb, watching and really wanting to help him. He wasn’t a good friend or anything but he didn’t deserve this. The bullying progressed to the point where they started punching him in the head and face. I wanted to do something, but I stayed right where I was on the curb with the other kids. Soon they had Tony on the ground, beating his head on the cement parking block. I stayed where I was and watched. Everyone did. Eventually the gangbangers left him alone, or a teacher came out – I don’t remember which. They didn’t kill him but they beat the shit out of him and surely humiliated him badly. I don’t remember what I did after. I guess I went home or went and got stoned or something.
As I sat in my meditation room and remembered this story I realized that I don’t know what would have happened if I had stepped off that curb to help Tony that day. And I never will know.
I could have stepped off the curb and inspired 20 other kids to do the same and stop the bullying. I could have stepped off the curb and gotten my own ass kicked along with Tony. Stepping off might not have changed much of the outcome but it could have made a big difference to Tony’s heart. Stepping off may have made a difference to the bullies. But … I will never know. What I do know is that whatever would have happened, including having my own ass kicked, would have been worth it. Whatever had happened then, today I would be glad I did it. But I will never know. The thought that I stood there and watched a friend get beat up like that makes me sick. It makes me feel shame and remorse and regret. There will be no re-take for that exam.
If your sword’s too short, add to its length by taking one step forward.
Anonymous
There are so many moments like this in life. So what can we learn from them? Surely it’s not just about feeling bad. It’s easy to feel regret without really learning much. I think it’s about learning to recognize the ways in which we are standing on the curb today. Often when we’re faced with a challenge, especially one that involves danger or risk, we choke and get paralyzed by fear of the short-term consequences and lose sight of the bigger picture. We lose sight of what and who we are. In this case, I was afraid of a whole host of short-term consequences: getting beat up, being embarrassed, becoming an enemy of the gang, etc. It’s not as if I thought it through in the moment – we rarely do. It’s just a sort of base fear, avoidance, and paralysis. Many of us learn this behavior when we’re young. Our dads and other adult males probably model this kind of thing to us. As the years on the curb go by, a sticky, flabby habit of non-action keeps us on the curb and out of the fray. But the fray just may be where we want to be.
Getting in touch with our inner Warrior energies is about getting in touch with that part of us that is ready to step off the curb, move forward, and take a stand when it’s time to take a stand.
Getting in touch with our inner Warrior energies is about getting in touch with that part of us that is ready to step off the curb.
Spiritual people will say that on a cosmic level, on the level of ‘God’s will’ and destiny, everything just flows the way it is ‘meant to.’ I believe this, I really do. But on the ground it seems that what makes the difference when it comes to being awake and fully alive is what we choose to do in this sort of moment. Are we willing to risk failing, or do we choose to be safe and not take the chance? Also I do realize that I used an example of something that involved violence. That situation was actually dangerous. It wasn’t like I was just afraid to speak up or share my heart’s true feelings. There was a serious risk of be getting my ass kicked, as badly – if not worse – than Tony. I am not advocating dangerous risk-taking behavior. But allow your Warrior to stand up once in a while – even if it seems a little dangerous. The only way we’ll ever know is if we wade into the fray and see for ourselves.
The edge is a funny thing, the only people who know where it is are the ones who have gone over it.
Hunter S Thompson
The first step in all of this is the owning step. Take some time to simply reflect on this aspect of your manhood. How do you relate to violence and the idea of ‘the Warrior’? In what ways does violence show up in your life? Are you violent in your actions or words? Do you tend to simmer with anger or explode? Are you comfortable saying no when you need to? Do you stand up for yourself in your relationship, in your workplace, in your community? Have you really disowned and squashed you inner Warrior? Have a look. No blame, no shame, just have a look.
Do you tend to go toward your problems, attack and fight, or do you tend to withdraw and just think about what you woulda/shoulda/coulda done?
What was modeled to you as a boy? How were the older men in terms of their inner violence? How was your dad? When you were little were you a tough kid or a wimp? Did you get beatings or give them or avoid fights altogether? There are no right answers here. It’s just about getting to know yourself and how much Warrior energy you have tucked away down there.
As I see it, it’s good news or good news: if you have your inner Warrior intact, that’s great because it means you have this important element of your inner power ready to go. If you don’t, that’s still good news because it means that things are only going to get better. The awakening of the inner Warrior is a great thing to witness in a man. The Warrior brings with him great power and intensity and testosterone.
The awakening of the inner Warrior is a great thing to witness in a man.
Recent studies at Columbia and Harvard tested men’s testosterone levels and then had them simply take on more upright, slightly aggressive postures, and then tested them again. Every time, there was a boost in the men’s ‘T’ levels. It isn’t about stupid chest thumping and acting tough, but it is about allowing yourself to embrace and express tougher, more primal, more ‘dangerous’ ways of being.
What’s Your Bullshit About the Warrior? Look at the ways that you might have some baggage around this aspect of yourself. Do you feel like a wimp? Were you bullied? Do you oppose war or find violent things distasteful in some way? Do you identify as someone who isn’t into it? Or are you stuck in the other side? Do you over-identify with the Warrior? Are you stuck being a tough guy and have an inability to be soft or appreciate beauty?
When you’ve gotten a sense of where you stand with these energies, then I suggest you start to cultivate ways to exercise them. That means giving them an outlet, but also making them stronger. You might find some kind of competitive contact sport that you enjoy, or take up some kind of ‘danger hobby’ like hiking in the mountains, or motorcycling, or horseback riding. One of the men I work with works behind a desk in a big tech company during the week. On the weekend he takes care of his inner Warrior by surfing in the ocean. He tells me that part of the appeal of surfing is the danger involved. There’s an awe and fear that comes from being in something as massive as the ocean. He exerts his body and his skill completely.
Many men find some kind of martial arts training is a good way to feed their inner Warrior. This could be Kung Fu or Capoeira, but it could also mean learning archery or shooting. Most gyms have punching bags; learn how to punch one, or take a kick-boxing class. Get your blood pumping and see how it feels to hit, kick, or shoot something.
Rage is not an emotion, it is a physical energy, and an important one for men to have a handle on. I make sure that every man I work with has at least one place and regular moment in his life where he can really let go and express rage. Many men find they have a kind of pent-up rage in their body that they need to release. It isn’t anger about something exactly; it’s the collective physical energy stirred up by various life pressures. When something pisses us off, thwarts us, or threatens our mission, there is a deep part of us that wants to react violently. When we are in our houses with our families, there is a part of us that knows that we are the most dangerous thing in the house. We keep ourselves on a kind of leash. It’s the same thing within the professional world, or modern society in general. Any honest father will tell you there have been times when he wanted to smack his kids, or punch his wife. Many among us have fantasized about murdering people at work. I hope you don’t smack the kids, or beat the wife, or stab the boss. But that fiery energy has to go somewhere. It turns into rage and we need to release it.
Video games, even the most violent ones, only express the mental rage. Team sports help us release a little bit, but we have to play within the rules and be part of a team. What I’m describing is really best done in private. It’s not rational, it’s totally primal, animal. It can only come out with primal, physical, explosive action.
Increase the intensity of your workout. If you don’t already have a workout, get one. Make times in your week when you can go all-out and sweat and grunt and feel your strength. Howl, break stuff, chop wood, throw heavy things, blast off as many push-ups as you can. I cannot over emphasize the importance of venting your rage. For men on the Red Road, push-ups are as important as meditation – maybe even more important. Next time you’re up against something hard and feeling frustrated or anxious or fearful, drop down and pound out 10–30 push-ups as fast as you can. You’ll be amazed at the effect.
If you have a place where you can scream or howl without having the cops called, you might want to try that too.
When you’ve owned your inner Warrior, that chunk of violent energy we all have somewhere down in our belly, then it is less likely to haunt you, hound you, or make you mean, sick, or abusive. Outbursts like road rage or freak-out moments vented on our kids or loved ones are expressions of impotence, not potency. If we own our own intense, primal, spear-chucking, hunter-killer energy, then we can have access to that intensity and harness it and direct it in a way that serves our ultimate purpose. We possess a kind of cool badass quality that is not just posturing. We have a thump. We can feel it and take comfort in it. Others can feel it too. People trust us more; they don’t want to fuck with us. Kids, women, and vulnerable people feel protected by us. It’s a great thing.
Then it’s time to take a look at the various quadrants of your life and see where that badass quality is needed. Where do you need to be more fearsome, more fearless? Where do you need to show your sword and even swing it?
People give me a lot of shit for saying the P-word. Women especially hate it when I use it. Boys were teased and called pussies on the playground. I used to feel the same way, but I have grown to really like it. We have reclaimed the word in our men’s group and use it to challenge each other. In this context, a pussy is someone who has not only disowned their inner Warrior, but who is – in some way – being a coward. Even ‘coward’ is a charged word. But we need these words because there are those aspects in all of us that are really not working for us. When we say ‘stop being a pussy’ to each other in our group, it means, ‘Remember your strength and live from that strength.’ It’s a way to call each other out when we are cowering and not moving forward with our vision because of fear or because we don’t want to leave our comfort zone. Not being a pussy means being the King. It means remembering our power and our intention for life. It means to remember what we’re about and stop acting like we don’t know.
It’s so important to learn to support each other as men in a masculine way. We can cry with each other, and let go and open up about our weakness and life messes, but if we do it with our men, we have to then also hear them say, ‘And don’t be a pussy about it. Man up and take care of your mess!’ Men offer a different kind of shoulder to cry on. It might take some getting used to at first.
In general I think it’s important to take back these playground insults. I think it’s good to remind ourselves to ‘man up’ or ‘stop being a pussy’ or ‘grow a pair.’ Because when we do it in this context, in the context of owning our wild, mature, masculine fullness, we are not doing it in a stupid, brutish, macho way. It’s good to not be so thin-skinned and easily offended. Men with backbone need to be able to knock each other around a little bit and not get upset about it.
To own our inner Warrior, we don’t just need to change our relationship to fear, challenge, and pain; we also need to change our relationship to teamwork. A Warrior will only train or engage an enemy alone if he absolutely has to. Even elite military snipers work in teams. The Warrior is not a hero. The hero is an immature version of the Warrior – he runs in, saves the day all alone and shines with glory. It doesn’t matter to a Warrior how it looks. It doesn’t matter what glory or recognition he gets. Most Warriors get little or none. The Warrior is about getting the job done. The Warrior is about purpose, and the best way to achieve a purpose is to marshal the maximum amount of power available.
Every man needs a team. Warriors know how to work together with other Warriors and also do their job within a chain of command. This is a hard pill for many modern men to swallow. There are always men who have more power, more know-how, or more perspective than we do. If we are to be effective Warriors, we need to know how to use the resources offered by others and even take orders sometimes.
The Warrior is not a brute. The Warrior is a master. His energy is not a threat, it is essential. That’s the whole point here. We are reclaiming our masculine energies in a conscious, intelligent, masterful way and wielding them in the name of our high vision of service, excellence, and robust living.
If we are to live our vision and get through the bullshit and obstacles of life, we must be Warriors, we must own this part of ourselves. And when we do, our whole life benefits.
The Warrior – the innate power every man has inside to get shit done, move forward, and stand up to challenges.
What’s Stopping your Warrior – when we’re out of touch with our Warrior we become worriers, strugglers, and whiners. Sometimes we avoid our inner Warrior because we’re afraid of its power, or we’re afraid of becoming a macho jerk.
The Warrior Power:
1. Owns Violence – men in touch with their Warrior own their violence and know how to channel their rage.
2. Has Grit
3. Faces Danger
4. Uses Fear
5. Faces Pain
6. Takes up Challengeswith Pride
Allow your Warrior to Come Forward – step off the curb and look at your bullshit about the Warrior.
Let the Beast off the Leash – vent rage and don’t be a pussy.
Don’t Do it Alone – Warriors work in teams whenever they can.
In your journal or on your computer, take a moment to get quiet and reflect on your life as a man. Close your eyes and imagine yourself going through a typical day. Watch yourself as if you’re watching a character in a movie.
When you’re not using your Warrior, how do you act? If you’re not in your bigness, what kind of smallness do you tend to gravitate toward?
Try to have compassion and a sense of humor about what you see. Capture it in your journal or notebook.
Now that you have started to connect to your Warrior energy, in the next chapter we are going to visit the Mystic – the power of your Spirit, consciousness, and innate wisdom.