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I’ve read JJ’s email four times. I can’t believe he’s moving back to France. Us living apart in two different countries somehow hits differently. Can we maintain our friendship across the ocean? Nine hours of distance? So far I’ve looked up ways other people maintain a long-distance relationship but then I realize, we’re not in a relationship-relationship. I didn’t get clarity on his feelings for me.
Even if he said he loved me in a romantic way, would that mean we were automatically boyfriend and girlfriend? Overwhelmed with thoughts and questions, I write in my poetry book.
4
Four letters
Four letters that make a heavy word.
It’s not supposed to be heavy. It’s not supposed to weigh anything.
But we attach it to so many things.
Love
4
Four letters.
Four letters that speak louder than words...if you do it right.
Other words that have four letters:
Show. Care. Hurt.
You show Love.
You show care through love.
Love can hurt. Is that what we’re all afraid of? The hurt?
Fear. Another 4-letter word.
Fear and Love dance together
Dips, twirls, blind steps, leaps of faith.
It’s a tango.
––––––––
Me and JJ should be friends because the distance could ruin us. Anything more than friendship could ruin us. We have a good thing and maybe that’s the way things should be.
I type an email to JJ.
Dear Best Friend,
I love you.
I stare at the words on the computer screen, then delete them. Perhaps saying I love you now is too much. I start over.
Dear JJ,
Take me with you! I’m so sad you’re moving. But I guess to be fair, I was moving first. It felt different knowing you’d be in Smalltown and I could visit you, Gram, Jessa, and Xavier anytime. But France is so much further away. And so expensive! Not gonna lie, this sucks. Now I’m really wishing we’d seen each other over the weekend. I’m going to miss you so much. Can we plan something to do together when we get back? Just you and me. After all, you were my first friend when I moved to Tennessee, I feel like we should celebrate or have our own farewell.
See you soon,
Clove
I press send without re-reading or spell-checking. It could be hours or maybe even a day before JJ sees the email. I wish I could call him, but he still doesn’t have a phone.
Lying back on the bed, I stare at the ceiling, thinking about what could’ve been for me and JJ. My phone pings, snapping me out of my daydream.
Benjamin: Hey, are you available tonight for our make-up date?
Do I want to go out with Benjamin? I’ve only got a few more days in Atlanta and a total of two weeks left of summer vacation. My best friend is moving to France when I move to Vegas. Am I just going to sit here and be miserable about it? No. I want to go out. So much so that I don’t even care where we go.
Me: Yes. I’m available.
Benjamin: Pick you up at 7?
Me: Ok. Where are we going?
Benjamin: Can I surprise you?
Me: Yes but how should I dress?
Benjamin: However you want.
I’ve only got an hour to figure out what to wear. I go to my closet and try to figure out an outfit. I decide to go with a red and white polka dot spaghetti-strap top with some jean shorts. Aunt Didi bought me some cute dressy shoes, but I’m going to wear tennis shoes just in case we do a lot of walking.
Aunt Didi put my hair in faux goddess locs over the weekend, so styling my hair is one less thing I have to worry about. After I take a shower, put on a little makeup, and spray myself with perfume. I’m feeling pretty cute.
Benjamin: Be there in five.
Before I can text him back, my phone rings with a Georgia area code again. I send it to voicemail. I get a text from the same number: It’s me, JJ. Calling from a co-worker’s phone. If you’re available, want to video chat?
Immediately, I video him.
“Hey!” I grin as soon as I see him.
“Wow!” he says, his eyes wide with surprise. “Look at you! Where are you going, look all fantastic?”
Feeling warmth on my cheeks, I put a hand to the side of my face. Do I tell JJ where I’m going? I don’t want to lie.
“Um...I...um —”
The doorbell rings. Benjamin said five minutes. That was definitely not five minutes.
“I’m going on a date?” I say it like it’s a question even though I know it should’ve been a statement.
When JJ’s smile slowly fades, I regret saying the word date.
“Oh,” he says. “Guess I caught you at a bad time. Or a good time. I don’t know. I just read your email and wanted to talk about plans for us to hang out exclusively. But we can talk about it later. Enjoy your date. Where are you going? I mean, you don’t have to answer that. It’s none of my business. Have fun. Be safe.”
He’s rambling again. Up until recently, me and JJ could talk about things like this but now it feels different between us. “We’re going to dinner. And maybe to the park. I think.”
“Nice,” he says. “Did you spray yourself with Strawberry spray?”
I shake my head. “No, I reserve that for you.”
He cheeks turn pink and that’s when I know for sure I’m doing something wrong. The only date I want to be on is one with JJ.
The doorbell rings again and this time I hear Aunt Didi answering the door.
“Clove,” My aunt Didi calls from the living room. “Benjamin Washington is here.”
“You better go,” JJ says. “Don’t want to keep Benjamin Washington waiting.”
I didn’t know he could hear my Aunt but then again she was pretty loud. I want to say something, but I don’t know what I should say.
“When you get back to Smalltown,” he says. “I’ll have something planned for us. Just you and me, a whole evening. Sound good?”
I nod. “Sounds perfect.”
“Clove?” My Aunt Didi calls again.
“Be right there!”
“Go,” JJ says. “Have a good time. I’ll see you soon.”