I call Sydney again, but she doesn’t answer, and I don’t blame her. For the last two days, everything that could’ve gone wrong, has. The paperwork that was supposed to arrive that day didn’t come until this morning. Then there was an accident on the highway that shut it down, preventing me from getting back to Sugarloaf in time.
My fucking phone died, and I didn’t have a charger in the car because I wasn’t supposed to have to stay overnight. Now, I’m on my way to her house prepared to grovel, beg, and pray she forgives me.
I get there, and her car isn’t parked in the drive.
Shit.
I call Ellie, hoping she knows. “Hey, have you heard from Syd?”
“I did earlier. She asked me if I knew where you were.”
Dread fills my limbs, and I stand here, hand on the door handle. “What did you tell her?”
“That you left.”
Fuck. I close my eyes and slam my hand on the hood of the car. “Do you know where she is now?”
“No, is everything okay?”
“I don’t know. If you hear from her let me know.”
There’s no way she should still be at her appointment, but maybe …
I rush into the car and make the twenty-minute drive, all the while waiting and hoping she’ll call me back. This is such a nightmare. I’ve screwed up at every turn and I’m going to grovel for her forgiveness. I could’ve had Milo push the closing back. I could’ve stopped at some store on the way and bought a damn charger. All these things just seemed to have slowed me down. Now, I see what a fool I am.
Nothing should’ve been less important than letting her know I was going to her.
I grip the wheel and then pull into the parking lot.
Thankfully, her car is in the parking lot. Relief fills me as I enter the office. There’s a nurse standing at the desk.
“Hi, I’m here for Sydney Hastings. I’m late, but I see her car here. I’m Declan Arrowood,” I say quickly, not taking a breath. “I’m the ... the father.”
The nurse gives me a soft smile and then tucks her hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry, Mr. Arrowood, I see you listed here as to be allowed access into her appointment, but unfortunately, she’s not in the office.”
That doesn’t make any sense.
“But? Her car”—I look out of the big windows and point—“it’s right there. Did she have the appointment? Did someone else come?”
Sydney wouldn’t just leave her car.
“I can’t give you any other information than to tell you she’s not here.”
“Then where is she?”
“Again, I can’t give you any other information.”
“Can I talk to the doctor?”
The nurse looks away and then dials a number. “Dr. Madison, there’s a Mr. Declan Arrowood here inquiring about Ms. Hastings. Would you be able to speak with him?” A pause. “Yes. Okay.” She gives me a look that borders on irritated and disappointed but then points to the door. “I’ll bring you back to see the doctor.”
“Thank you.” And I truly mean it. Maybe the doctor can tell me something that she can’t.
When the door opens, I see a familiar face and thank God for miracles. “Natasha.”
She walks forward, a slightly older version of the girl I’ve known for a very long time. She’s still short, long brown hair, and a smile that tells you she’s still mischievous, even in her very serious profession.
“Declan, it’s good to see you.” She pulls me into a hug.
“Where is Syd? Her car is here, and I’ve been calling her nonstop.”
She puts her hand up. “She gave us the approval to allow you into her appointments, but I can’t disclose her medical information. I just reread the letter she granted, and I can’t tell you anything about the appointment without her present.”
“I’m not asking for that, I’m just asking if you know where she is.”
She lets out a noise that’s a sigh and a grumble. “I know that, and as your friend, I would love to be able to give you that answer, but since she’s also my patient, I really can’t.”
I shake my head, irritated that she’s talking in circles. What the hell does one have to do with the other? “I’ve had a horrible day and all I want to do is to try to plead my case and get her to forgive me. I wanted to be here. I was doing everything I could, but the highway was shut down and then my phone died, and then I didn’t want to stop to buy a charger because it would have just wasted more time. I just ... please, I’m begging you as a friend, where is our other friend?”
My heart is pounding in my chest. I have never hated myself as much as I do now. I should’ve been here. I never should’ve left any of this to chance.
She looks up with her teeth between her lips. “All I can say is that you might want to call Sierra.”
I’m out of my seat before she can say anything else. “Thank you.”
I rush out of the office, back into my car. I have no clue how to get in touch with Sierra, but I’m sure Jimmy does. I’ll beg anyone to get it.
I’m heading back toward Sugarloaf, my mind all over the place as to why Sierra would know where she is and why her car was there when my phone rings.
Sydney.
Thank God.
“Syd?” I say quickly. There’s a pause, and I go on, needing to say it all. “Syd, I’m so sorry. I was on my way and something happened on route 80 and then my phone died. I swear, I was coming to the appointment. I just left there, and I’m … God, I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry. This will be the last time I disappoint you. I love you, Bean. So fucking much and … please, forgive me.”
There’s nothing on the other line and panic builds. Jesus, I really fucked up.
Then a sniffle.
“Syd?”
“Declan, it’s Sierra.”
My heart starts pounding, and my mouth goes dry. “Sierra, where is Sydney?”
Her breathing is loud through the line. “We’re in Philadelphia. I think, I don’t know … I wasn’t supposed to call you, but ...”
“Tell me where you are,” I say pulling the car off the side of the road. “Please, I need to explain to her.”
“There’s a problem, and I think you should come.”
“What problem?”
“With Sydney. They just took her back into surgery …”
My heart stops and time goes still. “She’s in surgery? Did she lose the baby? Is that what happened?” Tears fill my eyes as the vision of the life I was going to give her disappears. “The baby?” I just barely choke out.
“Oh God,” she rushes to say. “No, it’s not the baby, it’s her. They found something and—just come here and I’ll tell you everything. Hopefully, she’ll be out of surgery when you get here.”
She gives me the information to the hospital and where to go. “I’m on my way now, I’ll call this phone when I get there.”
Once I hang up the phone, I send a prayer that I get there and everything is okay, then I drive as though I’ve already lost everything.
“Sierra,” I say as I enter the small waiting room.
“Declan!”
She’s on her feet and rushing to me a moment later. I catch her and she starts to cry again. I’ve known her pretty much my entire life and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this distraught. Her fingers grip the back of my shirt as she holds on.
“It’s okay, just … tell me what’s going on,” I urge us both into chairs.
She draws a deep breath and starts to speak. “I got a call that they found something in the ultrasound today, she was hysterical, and Syd doesn’t get hysterical, you know? I got to the hospital where they did a different type of ultrasound, and it was all very confusing. Needless to say, it wasn’t good, and they transferred her here where they decided to operate.”
“But she’s pregnant.”
“Yes, and they say they can do this, but, Dec, she was terrified. I’m freaking the fuck out. She made me take this letter.” Sierra digs in her purse and hands it to me. “I can’t do this. I can’t pick.”
“Pick? Pick what?”
I open the letter up and start to read. My hands are shaking and I have to focus to stay calm. “No,” I say the word when I read her requests. She can’t ask this. To save the baby over her. “The baby isn’t even here. No. This is crazy. There can be another baby, but there is no other Sydney.”
The words fall from my lips as dread fills my heart. She can’t ask this. No, more than that, she can’t die.
Sierra rests her hand on my arm. “She said she needed to make her wishes known so I wouldn’t have to decide. I’m sick to my stomach, and I just keep reassuring myself that this is the planner in Sydney. The girl who needs to have all her ducks in a row.”
I can’t think about her dying. There’s no way because I just got her back. I just decided we were going to make it work and love again. So, she is not going to die. There are no ducks to be in a row.
“Did the doctor say anything about the risks?” I ask.
“Yes. There’s a chance that either she or the baby could go into distress. It’s surgery, while pregnant, but they said it just couldn’t wait. The tumor is sitting in an area that could hurt the baby. She was devastated, Dec. I’ve never seen her so broken. Well, I have, but it was when ...”
When I broke her heart. She doesn’t have to say it, I know it all too well. It’s also probably the last time I felt this out of control. Everything feels like it’s falling apart all over again. I want to scream and throw something. “Why didn’t she call me?”
Sierra looks down and then back up. “You hurt her.”
“I was coming.”
“She didn’t know that. Ellie told her you left, and …”
“You all assumed that meant for good.” My track record would prove that to be the case. Now, I could lose her or both of them. I read the letter again, seeing the name. “It’s a boy?”
She nods. “She wants to name him Deacon. I’m assuming that, even as much as you hurt her, she still has faith in you.”
I run my hand over my face and then rest my elbows on my knees before I look over to her. “Faith I don’t deserve.”
“Maybe not, but isn’t that what faith is?”
I look to Sierra, feeling this overwhelming sense of grief. “I hurt her when I was doing everything I could to make her happy.”
Her head tilts to the side. “What exactly were you doing?”
“I bought the farm.”
Her eyes widen, and her lips part in surprise. “Our farm?”
“Yes. I knew she didn’t really want to sell it, so I figured I would buy it, hold it for her, and she could have it back when she realized it was a mistake.”
She leans back in her chair and smiles at me. “You bought our farm.”
“A lot of good it did me. I missed the appointment today because I …” I fall silent, hating that I will have to admit this. I was such a fool, and now, I have to wait to tell her how I feel.
“Because you?” Sierra prompts.
“Because I didn’t fight for her. I let her walk away that night, and I spent the next two days securing the house instead of making sure she knew I loved her and the baby.”
Sierra rubs my back and then sighs. “You know, my sister has loved you for as long as I can remember. She was broken after you left, but she could never fully let you go, no matter how hard I pushed. Sydney doesn’t know what her heart would look like without you holding a piece of it. Love like that doesn’t disappear.”
I hope to God that’s true. “I’ve never stopped loving her.”
“I think she knows that, in her heart at least.”
I shake my head, wishing I could make sure she knew that in her mind too. I failed her in so many ways. I should’ve done so many things differently, and as soon as she wakes up, I plan to tell her all of that.
I think about the child we’re about to have, and how I will do better for him.
I look back at Sierra. “We’re having a boy.”
She smiles softly. “Yeah. You guys are.”
“She’s going to be fine.” There is no other option. They will both pull out of this and then I’ll find a way to explain it to Sydney. The two of us will work it out and be a family.
“Sydney isn’t a quitter.”
“No, she’s not.”
She has to be okay. They both do.
Just then a doctor enters, and Sierra gets to her feet. We both watch for any sign from him, and when his eyes drop to the floor, my heart does as well.