Hot chocolate in hand, Abby started to download her emails. Having mostly stuck to her promise of not wasting time with needless Internet searches she hadn’t turned her laptop on, in the evening, for several days. And she wouldn’t have succumbed now if Melissa hadn’t insisted on emailing her the following week’s Literacy plans, to check over the weekend. Once she had printed them off, Abby scrolled down the remaining twenty-three items in her inbox. They were mostly advertising, discounts and special offers – the usuals, Abby thought as she looked at the list (Amazon, Tesco, Mothercare, eBay…). She deleted all those that didn’t interest her as she worked her way through, stopping suddenly when she spotted a message from Simon. It was sent the day after her tantrum. The day after she had been so abrupt to Kerry. Abby stared at Simon’s name and the subject line, that gave nothing away, for too long before she felt brave enough to open it. Putting down her drink and folding her arms, she leaned towards the screen and read:
From: Simon Turner
Time: 06:37
To: Abby Turner
Subject: Please don’t delete this
Abby,
Please, please don’t delete this. I need you to hear what I have to say and since you can’t or won’t speak to me I thought I’d email you. Please read to the end and then read it again, if not now then later. Please Abby, you need to hear this.
Kerry showed me your messages. I didn’t ask her to contact you. I hope you know that. What she said to you, it wasn’t fair. I am so sorry you are not alright. I am so sorry for the hurt I’ve caused you. I’ve been unbelievably stupid. Stupid in so many ways I can’t fathom it.
I was stupid in the way I ignored you and the girls. (Oh God, our beautiful baby girls!!!) When it looked like the business was going under I panicked; I know I should’ve spoken to you more, but we’d just had our little Grace and I thought if I threw myself into it I could make it right without giving you more to worry about. You had already been through so much with the loss of your dad. I wanted to keep you and the girls safe, to make sure you had everything you needed. I’m sorry but you know part of me can’t help the way I feel about that.
And I know that makes what I did in Washington seem even more stupid. I wish I understood it but honestly Abby, I don’t. I know you deserve more of an explanation but when I think about it I don’t even recognise the person I was in that moment. I am so sorry for how that has hurt you – hurt us. I wish more than anything it hadn’t happened. I’ve tried to stay away and give you time, but Abby it’s been almost two months now.
What you saw on my phone, those were her feelings, not mine. I never said I loved her. I told her to stop contacting me. And I shouldn’t have run away that night, when you found out, but the things we were saying... Anyway, I should have stayed and told you then how much I love you. I shouldn’t have left before you knew that. You’ve no idea how I wish I could take it all back.
Abby, it’s always been you. I have never stopped loving you and I know that sounds ridiculous under the circumstances but it is true! You mean everything to me. Please Abby, without you I have nothing. Please forgive me. Let’s just talk, no pressure, I promise. And please, I need to see the girls. It’s been too long. I miss them – I miss you all.
All my love, now and always,
Simon xxx
Simon Turner
Company Director, Turner Advertising
Abby sat back trying to take in what she had read. In some ways it was exactly what she’d wanted to hear and in others it simply confused everything. She had spent the last seven weeks trying to comprehend the finality of it all; to adjust to the fact that her life with Simon was irrevocably over. And now Simon’s words were churning up the small path she had begun to make through the mess of it all. It was true that she had only seen messages sent by her to Simon but nevertheless, she had seen enough to know it couldn’t all just be taken back so easily.
Sitting alone in her living room, Simon’s words glaring at her from her laptop, Abby looked at the photographs around the walls. Each one seemed like a snapshot of a different life, a different existence, a time when she felt whole, a time when she and Simon had been totally together. Abby felt saddened that she was no longer the same person as the one staring back at her. With the breakdown of her relationship something inside her had broken too. She had lost her strength, her sparkle, her sense of self and she didn’t know how to get that back. Looking at the pictures she also knew that the person she was then was completely unaware how precious the life she had was. How special it had been.
Of course Abby knew Simon’s upbringing meant he would always want to keep them ‘safe’, and she knew she should have pushed more to get him to speak to her when the business was in trouble, but none of that excused what followed. At least before Washington any problems they’d faced were only about them, their relationship, their issues and the two of them facing them, or not facing them, together.
In truth Abby knew she had loved and trusted Simon totally. And she had liked how important she had been to him, how he had made her feel so special. She never thought anybody could break that, undo the special bond they shared. But now it was all so different. Simon had let another person into their lives; in fact he had not only let her in, he had willingly invited her and let her trample over the things Abby held dear.
Spotting their wedding picture on top of the bookshelf Abby began to wonder what that day had meant. Why stand in front of family and friends and make promises you can’t keep? Why make public declarations only to undo them with public humiliation? She looked more closely at her own bright, self-assured, beaming face – then suddenly unable to bear the sight of herself on that day, in that dress, with that happy, unknowing face, Abby put the laptop to one side. Holding the picture in her hand she momentarily considered smashing it, before putting it away in a drawer. No matter what the future held she was sure her wedding day would never mean the same again. Everything that had happened, everything she had read and all they had said on that night, the night she found out, could never be undone. In that moment her life had changed, she had lost something she hadn’t really appreciated she had and even if she wanted it to, she wasn’t sure it would ever come back.
It was all so horribly confusing. Attempting to understand why and how it had happened had become an obsession, and now throwing in the possibility of whether they could survive as a couple was beyond overwhelming. Abby had no idea what to do with this information. With her mind frequently in turmoil she felt unable to trust her own thoughts with any certainty; the voices in her head persistently fought a battle she didn’t have the energy to overthrow. Increasingly she simply chose to give in, let the voices rage on and attempt to go numb to it – feel nothing, trust nothing. It was a strategy she found helped her cope, but it also meant that she actually had no idea how she truly felt about Simon beyond numbing hurt and mostly, with the exception of her major temper tantrum, quashed anger. Could she still love him and allow herself to be loved by him? How would that work? She had no idea. Almost dizzy from the speed at which rounds of juxtaposing thoughts spun through her head, Abby grabbed her laptop and impulsively decided to reply.
From: Abby Turner
Time: 23:45
To: Simon Turner
Subject: RE: Please don’t delete this
Simon,
I got your message. I didn’t delete it. I read it. I am just so confused right now. I have no idea how I feel about you, about what happened or how to begin to deal with any of it.
You need to be patient. In truth my heart feels numb, like it has no feelings…
Abby stopped. Realising she was actually going to start paraphrasing Gary Barlow and the chorus to Patience if she wasn’t careful, she stamped her feet in frustration. Oh God! Why can’t I just say what I mean in my own bloody words? She deleted the last line and continued.
I need to know what I want. You will have to give me time to work this out. My head is a mess.
But of course you can see the girls. It has been too long. Come over tomorrow after lunch if you’re not too busy. I can go out and give you time with them.
Abby
About to press send, Abby hesitated, unable to resist adding a final sentence. It was a small point but one that always annoyed her.
(And please turn off your company signature when you email me!)
Abby pressed send and cursed herself for not re-reading the whole message. Panic rising in her chest, she stared in dismay as a reply sprung into her inbox, her hand trembling she clicked to open it.
From: Simon Turner
Time: 23:48
To: Abby Turner
Subject: Tomorrow
Of course I am not too busy. I’ll never be too busy for any of you again. I’ll see you at one. Thank you xxx
(Sorry!)
What was I thinking? Abby instantly started to question her hasty response. It was as if answering by email had given her false confidence. Now she was actually going to have to face him. Attempting to rein in her racing mind and gain control of her quickening pulse she reminded herself that she could use the opportunity to ask him to have Jessica and Grace while she went on the year six residential. It was drawing ever closer and yet she hadn’t mentioned it. Sticking to that when he was actually there would give her focus. And he couldn’t possibly expect her to have any answers regarding his declarations in his email; it was simply too soon.
Though as Abby re-read his original message, she knew that Simon’s promise of no pressure was about as likely as her remaining in control of her faculties when tomorrow came.