I love Simon! I love my husband… We’re going to be OK!
Abby loved having her notebook with her to confide in, she liked the new optimistic tone it was taking. She really had turned a corner, she was sure of it now.
She decided not to tell Simon how she felt on the phone. She spoke to him and they had a chat about the girls and Bramble and it was lovely. Since then she had called her mum to fill her in about the day, minus a few details, and lay awake most of the night, cursing the fact that she had drunk earlier in the day. As morning finally came she decided not to wait for breakfast, checked she had all her things, took the flowers Simon had sent from the sink, inhaled their lovely scent and left. She couldn’t wait to wave Adam and Melissa off; instead she sent Melissa a text telling her to have a great time. She’d have to find out where they were honeymooning later.
Abby breathed in the crisp morning air. She was early enough for the dew still to be beaded on the cobwebs, like discarded jewels from the opulence of the day before. The sun was rising in the bright blue sky but didn’t yet offer the full force of its warmth. It was that moment in the day where everything smells fresh, a new dawn, a new beginning full of hope and promise. Abby beamed; she genuinely beamed in a way she hadn’t for too long. She thought about the unwritten future that stretched out in front of her and knew for the first time since everything had happened that she and Simon and the girls would be forging that future together. For a moment she almost felt whole again.
Throwing her case into the back seat of her car Abby noticed something attached to her windscreen. It was a bag containing wedding favours and a note. Taking it out, she read, You didn’t collect your favours, not that anybody actually likes sugared almonds (don’t tell Melissa I said that). But I wasn’t sure you would stop to say goodbye and I just wanted to say good luck Abby, and stay crazy (in a good way). Love Brad xxx
Abby looked at the net of five coloured almonds. Attached to it was a label:
For life there are no retakes, no outtakes and no sequel; live each day as if it’s your final take, make every minute count and be happy!
It was perfect and it was the kind of thoughtful gesture Simon would have made. It bought tears to Abby’s eyes; she knew she was letting someone special go. But more than anything she knew that what she was doing was right. She wanted her life back, she wanted her family all under the same roof, she wanted her husband and she wanted it all now! Her mind was clear on that, blissfully, uncomplicatedly clear. She ripped the label off and tucked it inside her notebook.
Sitting outside the house, feeling a little sweaty now the sun was high in the sky and glaring through the windscreen, Abby wished she had spent at least part of the journey thinking how she should play it once she got home instead of driving like a lunatic, cursing at anybody who dared get in her way. Rachel was there, her car was outside, but that didn’t matter. In fact knowing how excited Rachel would be to see them back together kind of built the moment even more in Abby’s mind. She so wanted to get it right.
Trying to calm her nervous excitement she considered a few scenarios. Striding in and declaring her love seemed a bit over-the-top under the circumstances. Perhaps she should be more cautious; she didn’t want to imply it was all going to be as simple as ‘I love you and let’s live happily ever after’. Besides, she didn’t really trust her mind to allow things to happen quite that easily; she knew that even together, they’d still have to work at moving forward. Perhaps couples’ counselling? She dismissed the thought almost as soon it popped into her head. Counselling felt like a step backwards. She’d had enough of procrastinating – for the first time in a long time she was ready to get on with living. She wondered momentarily if she should say what happened with Bradley. No. No, no! That wasn’t quite the start she wanted for their new beginning. Though she realised, in the interest of honesty, she’d have to have that conversation at some point. Abby couldn’t think any more. She needed some water. She needed to freshen up, to refresh her face and her dry mouth. Once she’d done that she was sure she’d be able to face Simon and then just go with whatever felt right – be spontaneous. Arghh!
Sneaking round the side of the house Abby decided to let herself in the kitchen. Bramble was in his bed but didn’t bark when he saw her or actually even get up – lazy boy! Instead he banged his tail heavily against the floor. Abby crept over to him and gave him a stroke. Cheekily he rolled half onto his back and lifted his paw, insisting on a full-on chest rub.
“Good news, you funny boy, Daddy is going to come home,” she whispered, unable to disguise the excitement in her voice.
Bramble rolled his eyes and snuffled back round to rest on his cushion.
On the kitchen side was a bottle of lime milkshake, Abby’s favourite from her college days, and two packets of Love Heart sweets with a note saying Welcome home my gorgeous wife! S xx It was perfect; she imagined them sharing them later, the way they used to when they spent long hours talking or simply snuggling up on the sofa. Her chest ached and she realised that it was because she could feel she loved him again. It was a strange sensation. She had almost forgotten the feeling; she had shut it down for so long and yet there it was, not in its entirety, but nonetheless there. She welcomed it, like a little confirmation that this was right and it was all going to be OK. She loved Simon. Quietly Abby ran the tap a little and splashed water on her face. She looked at the cups but slurped some from her hands instead. It was messy, cool and refreshing. She still didn’t know what she was going to say, but she knew she was ready to say it.
She wasn’t due back until the evening but in her excitement she decided there was no need to announce herself; instead she would surprise them. They’d be shocked, she could reveal her feelings – however that came out – and they would all be so happy and hug each other like old times, perfect! Grinning to herself Abby snuck down the hallway. She could hear the girls playing upstairs and welcomed the sound of their happy voices. This was it. They were all going to be a family again. Everything was going to be OK.
Looking into the empty lounge she wondered where Simon and Rachel could be. She glanced round. The door to Simon’s ‘office’ was slightly ajar. The room had been largely abandoned since he’d moved out. With the exception of the search Abby carried out for incriminating evidence after the fact (that yielded nothing but his flight itinerary showing details she already knew) she hadn’t really felt the need to go in there. She tended to associate the place with stealing Simon’s time when he should have been with her and the girls, the place that lent itself to working long hours while masquerading as being at home.
Ready to surprise him she crept towards the door, her excited steps making her look like a cartoon mouse sneaking past a snoozing cat. She had to stifle a giggle. As she lifted her hand to push the door open she paused. Something wasn’t right. They were undoubtedly both in there, she could hear them, but why and what they were doing she didn’t know. Something about the atmosphere and their agitated tones threw her from her stride. Lowering her hand she stilled to listen. She couldn’t believe it; they were cross at each other again! She hadn’t expected that; now she’d have to deal with that before she could share her happy news. The word ‘What’ forming at her lips, she stopped.
“Don’t tell her Si, what if she can’t forgive me?”
Abby held her breath. Realising she was trembling she steadied herself on the doorframe. She had to try and calm down. Panic rising in her chest made it hard to focus on listening.
“I can’t keep it from her Rachel, she needs to know.”
Abby bit her lip, her heart pounded against her chest. Needs to know what? What were they talking about? She wondered if she should just march in and demand an explanation or run before she heard any more. Her eyes flicked between the door and the hallway – her exit. Her feet felt heavy and uncooperative. She stayed still, holding her breath, desperately hoping not to be discovered.
“Don’t Si, please, she’s been through enough. Don’t push her now, she’s doing so well.”
“That’s why we should have told her in the first place!”
“Really? You told me what she was like Si, it would have finished her off.”
“OK, but if there’s a chance she’ll come back to me she has to know everything. We can’t keep lying to her. She has to know everything.”
Lifting her heavy feet Abby took an exaggerated step backwards away from the door, moving as if in slow motion. The thought of more lies, heaped upon lies, and her two best friends in the world complicit in something – she didn’t dare to think what. It was making her dizzy. She thought she might collapse. The air seemed to dissipate from her lungs. Gasping and walking as if in a daze she finally slipped back out of the kitchen door. The garden seemed to spin.
What could she do? A black hole was opening before her and she had to fight not to throw herself in and welcome the deep, dark oblivion. She flustered with her phone in her hand; she knew she needed help. Who could she call? She was sliding, slipping too fast towards the darkness. She couldn’t call Melissa, she was surely on her way to some exotic paradise by now and Brad – Oh God, Brad! She couldn’t turn to him. It wouldn’t be fair. He couldn’t be the one to rescue her this time.
“Daddy, Daddy!”
Hearing Jessica calling to Simon inside the house pulled Abby back from the brink. She threw her phone into her bag and ran to her car. She didn’t want the girls to find her in a panic; she had to get away.