Avery flopped face-first onto the king bed in their hotel room, exhausted after two full days of visiting with the Woods clan. Not physically exhausted, of course. It wasn’t as if all the ranch hands got together for a big game of flag football. But the mental gymnastics required to remember how to behave around Colt, so as not to be too “gay” about their relationship, was exhausting.
Colt was too busy interacting with his family to notice, but Avery did. He measured every smile, every gesture, and tempered every instinct he had to touch Colt. Hug him, kiss him, do the little things they didn’t have to think about in private, or even at Clean Slate. Here they had to ease the Woods family into their relationship, and it fucking sucked.
He also couldn’t begrudge Colt time with his family he’d so sorely missed. Around his brothers, Colt seemed more of the impulsive guy he’d once been. The one who acted without really thinking through to the consequences, like the guy who’d walked off the family farm and into a new life.
Colt climbed onto the bed next to him and reclined on his side, head resting on the palm of his hand, and grinning like he’d won a million-dollar lottery. “I kind of hate that we’re leaving tomorrow, but too much of a good thing kind of wrecks it, too, you know?”
“I understand, believe me,” Avery replied. He loved seeing Colt so happy and in his element with his siblings. “I’ve gotten to see a new side of you, and I’m so excited for you. Your mother is an amazing cook. I didn’t think anything could top those pork chops, but her short ribs were astonishing.”
“She knows her way around fresh meat.”
Avery snorted laughter. “Don’t say things like that about your mother.”
Colt caught on to the innuendo and gave him a playful shove. “Ew, don’t put those thoughts in my head!”
“You said it, you big dork.”
“Dork, huh?” Colt half climbed on Avery’s back and kissed his cheek. “Wanna fool around, hot stuff?”
“Ugh, maybe after a shower. We both smell like horse, and it’s distracting.”
“You never minded it at the ranch.”
“That’s because we were at the ranch. Right now, we’re in a pretty hotel room in a big city. It just feels…odd.”
“I get it.” Colt slid off him. “Go hop in first, I want to check my emails. There was no Wi-Fi at the ranch.”
“Okay.”
Avery was finished and drying off before Colt walked naked into bathroom. “I thought you were going to join me?”
“Got caught up reading something, sorry.” Colt’s eyes gleamed, and it wasn’t arousal.
“Good news?” Avery asked.
“Could be. Waiting for a follow-up email.” He pinched Avery’s ass, then turned on the shower. “You’ll just have to wait for the surprise.”
Avery groaned. “You know I hate surprises directed at me.”
Colt winked and climbed into the tub.
Curious and a bit wary, Avery walked into the bedroom to get sleeping clothes. He passed Colt’s tablet on the bed, its screen still lit, an email open. Avery stared at it. He hated the idea of breaching Colt’s privacy, but he also hated surprises. And this obviously had something to do with Avery, so maybe glancing at the screen was okay?
He would just look and see who the email was from. Maybe Colt was planning some sort of dream vacation for them the next time he had a full week off. It was okay to know that, right?
The tablet screen darkened a bit, and Avery reached out without conscious thought and tapped it to wake it back up. The signature line at the bottom of the email made his entire body stiffen. Richard Ward, Dean of History, San Jose State.
Why the hell was Colt emailing a college history dean less than an hour from Garrett? It couldn’t be about the ghost town restoration, because Colt wasn’t a part of it. Maybe Mack had inquired about something and forwarded it to Colt? But Colt said this was potentially good news.
Curious and annoyed, Avery picked up the tablet. His temper grew as he read the email, reaching a boiling point by the end.
How dare he go behind my back!
He glared at the words until they blended together.
“Avery?”
Colt’s voice startled him into dropping the tablet onto the bed. He lifted his head and stared at Colt, who was watching him in only a towel. Colt’s own frown shifted into wide-eyed shock. “Oh fuck, you’re pissed.”
“You didn’t think I would be?” Avery retorted, working hard to keep his tone even, and not accusatory. “You inquired about a university position in San Jose on my behalf, without my goddamn permission, Colt. Yes, I’m pissed.”
“It was just an inquiry to see if they had a spot for a history professor. I was curious.”
“Why? I told you I’m happy at UCLA, even though I didn’t get the tenured position, so why even be curious? Unless you know another history professor who is job hunting, you had no right.”
Colt’s jaw popped open. “I just… I thought…”
“Thought what? That if you handed me a gift-wrapped new job, I’d happily accept it and uproot my life to San Jose? That I’d be happy you interfered?”
The guilt in Colt’s eyes said he’d hoped for exactly that outcome. They’d had this discussion more than once since getting back together, and Avery truly had believed that Colt understood. Neither one of them was ready to leave a job they loved for the other, so long distance had to work for them for now. But for some reason, Colt still assumed that it was up to Avery to move closer, and that fucking hurt.
“I was trying to help,” Colt said in a small, wounded voice.
“Well, this isn’t helping, Colt. A relationship is supposed to be built on trust, and I trusted you to understand my reasons for staying in LA, and instead you decided you could change my mind with a job opportunity. Did I like the San Jose campus? Sure. Do I like San Jose? Absolutely. Am I considering moving there in the near future? No. And I’m furious that you thought you could make that decision for me.”
“I didn’t… I wasn’t trying to make the decision, I wanted to give you an option.”
“Why? Have I ever intimated that you should leave the ranch and move to Los Angeles? Have I dangled a new job in front of you? No. Because I respect the fact that you want to work at Clean Slate. I thought you respected me in return.”
“I do respect you.” Colt’s big body seemed to wilt. “I miss you when we’re apart.”
“And I miss you, too. I don’t like that we live so far apart, but it’s the reality we agreed to when we got back together. You don’t get to try to change the rules after the fact, Colt. If one of us moves, it’s because it’s what that person wants, not what their partner wants. I’ve always been clear on that.”
Colt hung his head, and Avery’s heart broke seeing him so miserable, but Colt had brought this upon himself. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have interfered, but—”
“No. Damn it, there is no ‘but’ in this, Colt. None. Fuck.” He grabbed his wallet and key card off the dresser, before realizing he had the added problem of still being naked. Avery yanked pants and a T-shirt out of his suitcase and shoved his body into them.
“Where are you going?” Colt asked, his voice so small it hurt to hear it.
“I need space so I can fucking calm down. I don’t want to keep fighting, so I’m going to take a walk. Please don’t follow me, Colt, I really can’t right now.”
Avery got his shoes on, grabbed his things, and stormed out, careful not to slam the door. He hated getting this angry, and he’d promised himself a long time ago to never lose his temper in front of his sub. And while they weren’t doing a scene, Colt was still his sub, and Avery didn’t ever want Colt to have reason to fear him. So he left.
He left, so he could have a fucking rational conversation at a later time without his anger clouding the air.
* * *
Colt stared at the closed hotel door, his heart sinking directly to his feet. He’d seen Avery pissed only a handful of times, but never this particular brand of pissed. Avery looked like he’d been completely betrayed, and it was all Colt’s fault.
Inquiring about the job had seemed like a smart move ten minutes ago. He’d done it mostly to satisfy his own curiosity, and he hadn’t made the decision if he’d share his information with Avery or not. But when he got the response that they were interested in Avery’s resume, Colt hadn’t been able to hide his delight from Avery.
That had been an epic mistake.
Shouldn’t have left the damned tablet open on the bed.
No, that wasn’t the real problem. The real problem was that Colt had known the rules, and he’d tried to bypass them. He’d broken Avery’s trust, and that had not been an easy thing to earn back. Would Avery give him a third chance?
Do I deserve it?
Yes, yes, he did, because Colt hadn’t tried to sabotage their relationship on purpose. He’d truly thought having the university information in his back pocket could benefit them down the road, but he also saw how he’d hurt Avery by going behind his back.
“I suck,” he said to no one in particular.
The walls silently mocked and agreed with him. He’d betrayed his Sir, and he didn’t deserve his forgiveness tonight. Colt picked up the small tablet of paper and pen every hotel room carried, and he started writing.
* * *
Walking around the block helped take the edge off Avery’s temper, but he couldn’t focus his racing thoughts. They’d agreed to rules going into this relationship, and Colt had tried to cheat those rules. That hurt. It cracked what Avery had assumed was a solid layer of trust between them, putting them back on uneven ground.
He stopped at an all-night coffee shop and ordered Earl Grey tea to try to calm himself down. A cute girl tried to approach him, but Avery was not in the mood, so he politely turned down her offer of company. He’d walked away from the person he wanted, but he’d done it so he didn’t take his temper out on Colt.
The biggest question he couldn’t find an answer to was: Can I forgive him for breaking the rules?
Colt didn’t have a malicious or manipulative bone in his body. He was a genuine soul with a kind spirit, but he was so reckless and impulsive, and those worst parts of his personality had sent the job inquiry. He’d probably believed he was somehow being helpful by providing information, but it felt like a trick. Colt found Avery a good position nearby, so how could Avery argue against moving?
Except Colt wasn’t that guy anymore. Maybe the Colt he’d dated five—almost six years ago, might have made that play, but not this Colt. Avery had chosen to believe Colt had grown up and changed, and he couldn’t allow that belief to waver. Instead of being angry, he’d go back and allow Colt to fully explain his rationale. They’d discuss it like adults. Storming off had been a bit childish on Avery’s behalf, and now that his actual temper was waning, he could see that now.
Avery left a tip on the table and returned to the hotel. Calmer now, he unlocked the door…to a dark room. Had Colt gone to bed already? Avery had been gone less than an hour. No, the light from the hallway showed an empty bed. Curious and worried, Avery shut the door and switched on the light. Checked the empty bathroom before he saw the note in the middle of the bed.
Dear Avery,
I’m so sorry for breaking your trust. I didn’t see what I was doing from your point of view, and I was wrong. I’m giving you the space you asked for and taking a red-eye back to San Jose tonight. I love you. I’m sorry.—Colt.
“Fuck.” Avery balled up the note and tossed it against the wall. The tiny wad barely made a sound as it hit the floor.
His temper roared again, because Colt had run. Just like after their first breakup, Colt packed up and headed for the hills, leaving behind an empty apartment and a bewildered, still-grieving Avery. And after one fight, Colt ran a second time, leaving Avery to pick up the pieces.
Is he always going to run? Things get tough and he’s on a plane?
Avery couldn’t live like that. He double-checked, but yes, Colt’s carry-on was gone, all of his things cleared from the bathroom. Avery stood in the center of the room and tried to catch his breath, because part of him wanted to burst into tears. Not only had Colt run, he’d left Avery behind in goddamn Texas.
He sank down on the edge of the bed and pressed his palms into his eyes. This wasn’t actually happening. Colt had not cut and run after one fight. He needed this not to be true.
The click of the door lock sent Avery to his feet, adrenaline kicking in, because who the hell was opening his—Colt.
Colt stood in the open doorway with his carry-on, his expression both tentative and determined. Avery gaped at him, confused and elated and frustrated.
“Can I come in?” Colt asked.
Avery waved his hand, indicating yes, because he didn’t completely trust his voice.
Colt moved in far enough to shut the door, then rubbed his palms against his jeans. Neither of them spoke.
“You came back,” Avery finally said.
“I did. Got to the airport, and told the taxi driver to bring me back. I couldn’t go inside without you. Couldn’t leave you behind again.”
Avery’s heart swelled with joy that he resisted feeling. “You still left, Colt. You ran away from me, and that hurts.”
“I know. I thought I was giving you space, but I realized that’s not what you meant, and I didn’t want you thinking I was running from us, the way I ran the first time, because I’m not.” Colt shocked him by dropping to his knees, his accent deepening with emotion. “I’m all in with you, Avery, and the thought of losing you kills me inside. I couldn’t walk away if I tried, and I am so fucking sorry for everything. I never should have inquired about the job, and I never should have left tonight. If you take me back, I will—”
“Shut up.” Avery sank to his knees in front of Colt and cupped his hot cheeks in his palms. “I’m all in with you, too, you big dork. Yes, I got angry, but I didn’t mean for my anger to drive you away. I understand why you thought the job inquiry was a good idea, even though I disagree. We’re going to disagree, and we’re going to fight. Every couple fights. But I need to know, going forward, that if I ask for space, you’ll go into another room, or let me go take a walk, but that you won’t run.”
“I promise I won’t. I’m done running.” Colt blinked back a sheen of tears. “I ran from my family when I thought they’d never accept me; I ran from you and my old job six years ago; I tried to run again after Mack learned the truth about Geoff. But I’m done running, because I have too much to lose. I love you, Avery Hendrix, and I want us to be together. Period.”
“Even if we keep living apart for a while?”
“Even if. We’ve made it work for six months. I know we can do this.”
“So do I. No more secrets, no more running.”
“Secrets?”
Avery winked. “Colton.”
“Ugh. Isn’t Colt so much sexier of a name, though?”
“Sure is, even if the name-bearer is more of a wild stallion than a wobbly colt.” Avery reached down to hold Colt’s hands. “And in the interest of full disclosure, I have a confession to make.”
“Your name isn’t really Avery?”
“Dork.” Avery gave his hands a squeeze. “No. I reached out a few weeks ago to the department head at UCSF to inquire about any upcoming openings, and they have one for the fall. It’s a teaching and research position in the history department, and he’s given me first crack to accept it.”
Colt gaped at him. “Are you kidding me? You’re considering a job in the Bay area?”
“Yes. Like I said before, the decision to move has to be on the person doing the moving. Once I’ve defended my PhD thesis, I’ll have more freedom to consider a new position.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Colt pouted.
“Because I haven’t made my decision yet. I haven’t accepted the job. I have a few more weeks. I wouldn’t have to be there until August, so that’s another six months doing this long distance if I say yes. Which I haven’t.”
Colt looked like he wanted to climb out of his own skin with excitement, but he was doing an admirable job restraining himself, when he had to internally be screaming at Avery to accept the job. Avery loved him even more for not speaking up and trying to influence him.
“It’s your decision, babe,” Colt said. “You know what I’d say, so I won’t say it. I love you, and I’ll accept whatever you want to do. Promise.”
“Thank you.” Avery sealed that promise with a gentle kiss, glad to finally have that bit of news out in the open. “I promise you’ll be the first to know what I decide. Maybe I’ll even take a peek at the offer from San Jose.”
Colt perked up even more. “Really?”
“I might as well.” Avery winked. “Maybe they’ll offer a better salary.”
With a bark of laughter, Colt tackled him to the carpet in a hug, then kissed him soundly. “Whatever you choose to do, I love you. My Sir.”
“I love you, too, pet.”
Always.