(This may fall on Days Four or Six for some people.)
This was the day we felt really bad. On the other hand, some of our guinea-pigs felt absolutely fine – actively great, in a few cases – so here’s hoping you do too. See how you feel this morning, and go with it: if you’re feeling crap, it may be time to call in sick, or call for help with childcare if you’re at home with babies. Be absolutely sure to drink your water today, and up the intake a bit if you can bear to – you’ll feel better for it. And take things easy: if there’s the possibility of spending some time reclining on the sofa in front of the television, grab it.
Remember, it doesn’t get any worse than this. From now on, the only way is up. Also remember – we’ve said this before, but we’ll just say it again – you’re not feeling bad because you’re doing something terrible to yourself. You’re feeling bad because you’re detoxing from all the sugar, caffeine and processed rubbish that was clogging up your system and making you fat and unhealthy. Bear with it.
If you’re anything like us, today might very well be the day when you have an overwhelming urge to give up. Your mind starts playing funny tricks on you: “I’m fine as I am,” it tells you. “So I’m on the pudgy side. So what? I’m happy. Life’s too short for these kinds of sacrifices. And I want a cookie.”
It is important that you see this for what it is: a trick. Self-sabotage, to be precise – a talent most serial dieters have in spades. It’s time to knock it on the head once and for all. If you were happy with the way you looked, you wouldn’t have picked up this book. That’s the truth of it. The other truth is that you’ve nearly completed Week One, and that with this way of eating, as with others, your body is reprogramming itself every day, every hour, every minute. Soon it will barely register irritation (or furious rage) at not having sugary snacks shoved down its gullet every half an hour. So stick with us.
Breakfast
Water and supplements, needless to say, followed by anything from the allowed list. Or a protein shake, if you don’t feel much like eating. You need one scoop of whey protein powder, which you get from any health food store – check the label, please: some are carbier than others. To your scoop, add a glassful of unsweetened soy milk, and any flavoring you like and are allowed: vanilla extract; peanut butter; a sprinkling of nuts; heavy cream for added richness. Whiz it all up in a blender or you can do this with a fork – it doesn’t go all lumpy – and drink. This is a useful breakfast if you’re in a hurry, too – it takes ten seconds to make, is protein-packed, and easily keeps you going until lunch.
Oh, for God’s sake, I really want something sweet! Like, NOW!
Yeah, we know. We personally chose not to go down the artificial sweetener route, simply because we don’t entirely trust them – we actively despise aspartame (which causes cancer in rats, and there is, to say the least, a huge question mark over its safety) and we’re not 100 percent convinced about the safety of the newer ones, either. But you may feel differently. In that case, you can have Splenda, which is actually made from sugar (one carb per packet). Sweeten the protein shake above with some, or have sweetened, whipped heavy cream with a dusting of cocoa powder and/or nuts. Just don’t go making too much of a habit of it. Sugar got most of us into this mess in the first place. We think it’s better to tell your body that sugar is simply no longer welcome but we do realize that this is quite hardcore. Do as you see fit, but be on your guard. And do try to butch it out for the time being, at least during Phase One.
Today is a day when you deserve some cheering up. We hate to venture into women’s magazine territory, but screw it, we’re going to. The following suggestions may sound like desperate old chestnuts, but we find they work for us. Try not to huff cynically as you read through them. They may very well work for you, too.
Read a book. Go to the bookshop and buy the fattest, trashiest, most engrossing-looking volume you can find. Or buy The Brothers Karamazov, by all means, if that’s what works for you, or an atlas, or the entire bestsellers’ list, or whatever. We like a bit of trash-lit every now and then, ourselves. Make a cup of tea, lie on the sofa, and extract said book from its bag. Not the most original suggestion in the world, granted, but we do guarantee a couple of hours of utter (and distracting) contentment.
Buy some flowers. Flowers make us really happy. Disproportionately so, really, considering that a cheap bunch costs the same as a ready-made cake. Sit and stare at the flowers. Suddenly, life is beautiful. And you’re beautiful too. Wussy, but true. Hooray!
Have a hot, fragrant bath. Line the edge of the bath with candles. Put music, or the radio, on. Lie there for hours, until you go all wrinkly. Bliss.
Listen to music. Or tune your radio to NPR and recline, listening to some marvelous classical music in the evening. This works especially well if you’re in bed at the time, though your comfiest armchair works well too.
Keep your mind occupied. Obvious, but essential. If you’ve got nothing to think about other than how not-brilliant you feel, and how you fancy a doughnut, you’re actively helping the self-sabotage.
If you can’t keep your mind occupied, do something that requires concentration. India is a knitting fiend – in fact we’d go as far as saying that, for her, buggering around with wool has been a really marvelous diet aid. Crochet, too – and you can crochet your child (or yourself) a beanie in an evening. Neris paints. Do what you like, even if you haven’t done it for years. Sketching is a heavenly thing to do.
Watch television. Rent a DVD, but preferably not Babette’s Feast.
Lunch
THAI SALMON FISHCAKES
(Serves two as a starter or main, depending on how hungry you are.)
1 red chile, sliced
4 scallions
handful fresh coriander, chopped
1 egg
2 tsp finely chopped lemongrass
8 oz fresh salmon
salt and pepper
olive oil
Put everything but the salmon and olive oil in the blender until finely chopped. Add salmon, salt and pepper to taste, and blend again until coarsely chopped. It will be quite sloppy, but don’t panic!
Heat a good puddle of oil in a frying pan.
Blob tablespoons of the mixture into the pan (makes eight little cakes, or four large ones). If it starts to spit, turn the heat down. Let one side really seal before trying to turn over (like an omelet). When firm and golden brown, they are ready. Delicious served with a squeeze of lime juice and black pepper and stir-fried cabbage.
Supper
DELICIOUS ASPARAGUS
1 big bundle asparagus
3 to 4 tbsp unsalted butter
2 hard-boiled eggs
black pepper
Steam the asparagus until done. Meanwhile, gently melt the butter. Mash the eggs into it, add pepper. Dip the asparagus into the egg-butter mixture. Total heaven. Serves one greedy person, or two more restrained types.
How We Felt on Day Five
I think we’ve covered this. We felt really, really crappy. We felt like Mrs. Crappy from Crapville, Crapland, United Crapdom. Appropriately enough, Day Five was the day India finally pooed, so there was some rejoicing. But not much.
However …