The usual. Water. Supplements. Breakfast. Walk.
You know how yesterday we were saying that people might be commenting on you looking somehow better? That’s today’s topic. First of all, don’t be depressed if those comments haven’t yet come your way. They will. But one of the incredibly frustrating things about dieting is that sometimes you feel and see a dramatic difference in the way you look – and you know you’re not hallucinating, because your scales or tape measure back you up – and yet there is a distinct and demoralizing failure to notice on the part of the people around you. It makes you feel like grabbing a marker pen and writing “I’m ten pounds down, actually!” in capital letters across your forehead. The truth of the matter is that the usual pattern, at least for us, is that you get the odd “You’re looking well,” and then nothing for a while, and then a sudden avalanche of “My god, you’ve lost so much weight.” (Happily, the people you sleep with on a regular basis are usually a little bit quicker on the uptake, which is cheering.)
We touched on the subject of unhelpful friends much earlier in this book, but we think it’s a topic that’s worth revisiting. If you remember, we mentioned the “friends” who said, “You look fantastic, you don’t need to lose any more,” when we weighed a hefty 210 pounds. Whether you’re doing this diet in private, as we suggested, or in public, the comments may start any time round about now. And you need to be braced for them. As we’ve said before, there are people who may love you dearly but who aren’t entirely at ease with the idea that trusty, reliably fat you are in the process of morphing into something unknown, i.e., something less reliably comfortable, or indeed comforting.
A great number of people – and we’re sorry to say that when we say “people” we mean “women friends” – have serious difficulties with that concept. It may be that, as the designated fat friend, you’re their excuse to pig out every now and then. The unlovely thought process behind this is, “Well, she doesn’t watch her weight, or care that she’s fat, so if I have this chocolate cake with her, she’s not going to make me feel bad about it. Besides, how could she? She’s the size of a house.” By removing that possibility, since you’re not eating chocolate cake anymore, you’re also removing your friend’s excuse to binge. And that’s quite likely to really piss her off, whether it’s at a conscious or a subconscious level.
We’re not saying it’s an enormous deal, but we are telling you to be aware of it, and to get wise to it. When this friend suggests you go off the diet for a night, and join her for dinner, with pitchers of beer and bowls of chips on the way home afterwards, she isn’t thinking about you; she is thinking about herself. Know this, and you’ve got the winning hand. Fall for it – thinking, she’s my friend, she cares about me – and you’ve lost. Of course your friends care about you. But a lot of women also care quite a lot about their self-image, and as the fat friend you are an integral part of it.
The long and the short of it is that by losing weight you are going to look better, and by looking better you are going to make some people feel threatened. When I (India) was very overweight, nobody (mercifully) ever called me fat to my face, but I had a reply ready in my head – for decades – just in case. It was, “At least I can go on a diet. What are you going to do – have a face and body transplant?” Childish, I know, but it cheered me up to know that I had a riposte if I was ever to be aggressed by one of those horse-faced twigs who assume that everybody would really rather look like them. Thin I can deal with; pinched and lollipop-headed, no thanks. And there are an awful lot of women around who equate physical beauty with near-anorexia. We hope you’re not one of them – we like pretty faces better than spindly arms. But those spindly women aren’t going to like you for losing weight and, by so doing, becoming prettier. We’re not suggesting they’re your closest girlfriends, obviously (and if they are, please get yourselves some new ones, pronto). They may be your boss, or a colleague, or the friend of a friend, or whatever. They exist in quite considerable numbers.
So, What to do About Them?
Ignore them. However, this is much easier said than done. If it is your misfortune to sit opposite someone at work who has an almost forensic interest in what you do and don’t put in your mouth, things can get very trying. In which case: be blunt. We know we said to try to diet on the sly, but that can become impossible if you’ve got Sherlock bloody Holmes on your back for ten hours a day. Either be polite and say, “I’m watching what I eat,” or be impolite and loudly say (smiling), “Do you have food issues? Because I find your interest in what I eat obsessive and weird.”
If that doesn’t work, or if it sparks off World War Three – always a possibility – play the same game. For every “Oh, you’re eating ham and cheese again,” come back with “And I see you’re gorging on chocolate for the third time today.” If your colleague comments on your snack of nuts, comment (unfavorably) on her snack of potato chips.
Force her to pay you a compliment. Hold out your trousers and say, “Look, my waistband’s become really loose.” She’ll hardly be able to deny it.
If anyone tells you that low-carbing is unhealthy, refer back to pages 66–8. Or laugh out loud: who’s healthier – the person having grilled salmon and salad for lunch, or the one chomping down on a lard-burger and fries?
Being honest is a good policy, too. If you’re offered something you know you can’t eat, say, “I’m doing so well today, I’m feeling pleased with myself, and I don’t want to spoil it, so no thanks.”
If you genuinely feel hurt by a comment (“Bloody hell! You’ve put on so much weight!”), then say so. “That’s not a terribly helpful remark,” you can say, which puts the ball back in their court.
Neris is a big fan of love-bombing. If someone makes a remark you don’t like, bombard him or her with insanely positive things. Instead of acting hurt, say, “You’re so lucky to have such a beautiful figure.” Heap compliments on their lovely shiny hair, or nice clear skin, or beautiful hands, or whatever. It will take them by surprise and throw them off guard. They’ve been bitchy to you, but you’ve been heavenly back, and now they’re confused. And you feel mighty fine.
If all else fails, tell them to fuck off.
Be aware, though, that the nightmare friend/boss/colleague scenario outlined above is quite an extreme example – though food does make people behave in extreme ways. Also be on your guard for the more subtle forms of sabotage that come from closer friends. A good, non-aggressive but guilt-inducing line to have at the ready is, “I’m very good at sabotaging myself. I don’t need your help.”
Here’s a similar situation from Neris’s journal:
Some “slim friends who like to see people eat” came to see me and they were really on at me about being on a diet and it being a fad. They kept trying to get me to eat what they were eating but I resisted.
How, I don’t know! Actually it was sheer bloody mindedness and the fact that I really need to have a good day behind me now where I get on with everything. I need to remember that you have to be careful with some people. They don’t always have your best interests at heart.
I was having dinner at my friend’s house. She knows I’m low-carbing, but she cooked pasta for starters and potato gratin to accompany the main course, and then there was dessert. I felt very embarrassed, and had the smallest possible quantities of food I shouldn’t have eaten at all. But I couldn’t not eat – it would have been so rude. Right?
Well, congratulations on having nice manners. But no, it’s not right. You should have passed on the pasta, and had the meat and vegetables but not the potato. At dessert time, you could have said, “I don’t suppose you have any cheese lurking in your fridge?” If you’d done this, chances are your friend would have smacked herself theatrically on the forehead, and loudly exclaimed, for everyone else to hear, “Oh God, I forgot, YOU’RE ON A DIET.” We don’t blame you for wanting to avoid this scenario. But you have to decide what matters more: your ten seconds of embarrassment, or your weight loss. Besides, you hear those words and mentally add, “BECAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A GIANT FAT HEFFALUMP,” and feel anxious and humiliated in advance. But you know, the other people sitting at that table wouldn’t have added those crazy words, or sniggered, or thought to themselves, “Yeah, she looks like she could do with going on a diet, the big fat hog.” They’d have been admiring. We know, because we really admired people who had the self-control to look after their weight – and we admired them doubly for sticking to their guns in social situations.
Whether your friend cooked a carby meal accidentally-on-purpose or whether it was a genuine oversight, people don’t ask people round to dinner to stuff them with food – they ask them round because they enjoy their company. Be good company. Don’t make a fuss about not being able to eat certain things: just eat what you’re allowed to eat, and enjoy yourself.
How We Felt on Day Twelve
Better.