Chapter 16

Dressing Your Child for Survival

If your kid eats, they’ll grow. And if they grow, they’ll go through clothes. A lot of them.

Clothes matter. To overachieving parents, they’re important because they make a powerful statement about who you are and where you fit into society. To bare minimum parents, they’re important because they stop you from being naked. And the world is grateful.

Not that there’s anything wrong with the human body. It just isn’t made to withstand the extreme conditions of the environment. Exposed flesh won’t last long in the Arizona summer or the Canadian winter. Honestly, Canada isn’t suitable for human life in general, but that’s another story. This story is about how being naked has consequences. It’s how you ended up with a kid in the first place.

As a bare minimum parent, you must dress your child to comply with public nudity laws and to keep your kid safe. Think of your child’s outfit less as a fashion statement and more as personalized body armor. Use it to help them withstand hostile environments like the desert or the classroom. In both cases, the goal is to stay cool. It’s survival of the hippest.

The Message Clothes Send about Your Kid

Clothing	What It Says about Your Kid
Cravat	They know what a cravat is.
Turtleneck	They’re hiding a vampire bite.
Shoes Endorsed by a Famous Football Player	They spent their life savings on shoes endorsed by a famous football player.
Tie	They’re attending a function against their will.
Fur Coat	They’re haunted by fox ghosts.
Pocket Protector	They work at NASA in the 1960s.
Suspenders	They’ve never heard of belts.
Cape	They’re going to live with you for a longtime.

Hidden in Plain Sight

In a social environment, clothes can protect your child in two ways: by helping them fit in or by making them stand out. Fitting in is less work because you can just copy the other kids. As a bare minimum parent, you should obviously lean toward fashion plagiarism.

In popular culture, fitting in is portrayed as a bad thing. Kids who dress alike are called sheep. That’s insulting to people and barnyard animals alike. Humans can’t tell sheep apart, but to a sheep, other sheep each look unique. At least I assume they do. Full disclosure: When preparing for this book, I didn’t interview any livestock.

Blending in with the crowd offers certain protections. Schools of fish clump together in huge, indistinguishable crowds to confuse predators, which are unable to pick a target and thus miss them all. It’s kind of like when you can’t make up your mind at an all-you-can-eat buffet, so you just stand there indecisively until you collapse from hunger. And that’s why I don’t go out to eat anymore.

Blending in with the crowd works just as well for your kid. Dress them no better and no worse than their peers. When it comes to camouflage, nothing beats uniform mediocrity. Fading into the background will help your kid dodge unrealistically high expectations from teachers and coaches. Your child can’t fly too close to the sun if they spend all day lounging in the shade.

That’s not the only attention your child will escape. Bullies can’t single out your kid if your child is exactly as unremarkable as everybody else’s. It’s impossible for mean kids to insult your child without also insulting every other kid just like them. A lone bully is no match for a mob.

Still, dressing your child like everybody else has its drawbacks. When kids dress too much alike, children zero in on minor differences. Maybe your kid’s polo shirt isn’t quite the right shade of blue or their trousers have pleats. Or don’t have pleats. I forget which is bad, but it’ll probably change a few times before the printing of this book.

The camouflage of the herd is only worth it if it makes life easier. If it causes problems, protect your child by making them stand out.

Creatures That Hide in Crowds

Creature	How It Works
Tuna	Densely pack themselves into metal cans for protection.
Zebras	Stripes drive away predators by offending their fashion sense.
Wildebeests	Splash all the water out when they cross rivers, causing alligators to dehydrate.
American Bison	Use their superior numbers to run hunters out of bullets—unsuccessfully.
Crows	Nothing wants to eat them anyway. They just like being creepy together.
Unicorns	They didn’t swarm well enough. Now they’re all gone.
Kids	When they cluster together, adults back away.
Adults	Hide behind colleagues until the boss picks another “volunteer” for that big project.

Standing Out

In nature, animals use bright colors to attract mates or ward off enemies. Birds do it, so you know it’s a good idea. They used to be dinosaurs.

Your kid’s situation is different because they don’t have plumage. Probably. If they do, consult a doctor. But even without feathers, your kid can still employ nature’s basic color tactics. Dress them in something eye-catching. The more sequins and rhinestones, the better. With any luck, your child will reflect enough sunlight to blind people. Then it won’t matter what they wear.

The drawback is anyone who isn’t blinded will continue staring at your kid. Your child will need self-confidence to pull it off. They’ll either rise to the occasion or be crushed by it. Grab some popcorn. This should be fun.

Clothes That Make Your Kid Stand Out

Clothing	Pro	Con
Elvis Outfit	Instantly recognizable.	Increases odds of being abducted by aliens.
Inflatable T-rex Costume	No one can look away from those tiny inflatable arms.	Thwarted by standard-sized doorways.
T-shirt with a Funny Saying	Your kid gets to be witty without the work.	Loses its impact when worn for the hundredth time.
Bright Orange	They’ll be safe during hunting season.	Might accidentally get drafted as a traffic cone.
Chainmail	Effective against bullies.	Ineffective against longbows.
Life Jacket	Ready if a water main breaks and floods the school.	Will be the top suspect if a water main breaks and floods the school.
Heart on Their Sleeve	Lets everyone know how they feel.	The heart works best inside the body.
A Padded Suit Used to Train Attack Dogs	Safe from attack dogs.	Vulnerable to being stuck on their back like a turtle.

Clothing Categories

Contrary to what overachieving parents believe, you don’t need hundreds of different outfits to make your kid blend in or stand out. That’s a lot of money—and a lot of laundry. You might think kids will only go through one set of clothes a day regardless of what’s in their closet, but that’s not how clothes work. The more options your kid has, the more disposable their clothes will seem, and the harder your kid will be on them. They can wear their dumper truck T-shirt AND their dinosaur T-shirt in the same day if they pry open that can of house paint. There’s no such thing as childproof.

As a bare minimum parent, your life will be simpler and less consumed by laundry if you give your kid just a handful of outfits in a few different categories. Clothes are like silverware. You don’t need eight specialized spoons to eat a meal when each one is basically a mini food shovel. You’d be fine with just a spoon, a fork, and a knife—as long as you’re not eating at a gunfight. Similarly, you can dress your kid properly with just three types of clothes: good clothes, school clothes, and everyday clothes. You only need enough of each type to get your kid through a week or two. Less than that and you’ll have to constantly run the washing machine; more than that and you’ll have mountains of extra laundry to wash when you finally get to it. Basically, there’s no escaping laundry, but with too many outfits, your child will reek of effort. Nobody wants to raise the smelly kid.

Maybe you think three types of clothing seem excessive for a bare minimum parent. Couldn’t your kid get away with two types, or maybe just one? Everybody looks good in a jumpsuit.

Well, not everybody. Really just pilots and inmates. For everyone else, three kinds of clothes is the fewest you need to awkwardly scrape by in any social situation. Any less than that and your kid will have to show up places dressed wrong or not dressed at all. To avoid blame, you have to keep your kid covered, literally and metaphorically. Stick with these three types of clothes and you can’t go wrong. Well, you could, but you’d have to work at it.

Good Clothes

These clothes are too nice to play in, so guess what your child will do. The nicer the outfit, the more likely a kid is to wear it while rolling down a hill. The best grass stains are 360 degrees.

Dress clothes are like a formal living room: too nice to use and a burden to keep clean. They’re the least functional part of your child’s wardrobe AND the most expensive, so keep your good clothing purchases to a minimum. Unfortunately, you can’t avoid good clothes completely. At least a few of the pictures on your wall must show your kid in formal attire. This will prove your kid achieved whatever religious or educational milestone was on the agenda for that day. When your kid grows up, they’ll thank you for making them dress so nicely. Just kidding. All they’ll remember is how hot and miserable they were. And then they’ll turn around and put their own kid through the same ordeal. Misery is a family tradition.

School Clothes

Schools are unique because they have the law on their side. Your kid has to go to school and follow the rules that come with it. That includes the dress code. You’ll either be forced to buy clothes that comply with the school’s standards or withdraw your kid and homeschool. You win this round, institutionalized education.

School clothes aren’t as nice as good clothes, but they’re more functional. As a parent, you don’t want to spend too much on these outfits because at some point your kid will play in them—at least before schools abolish breaktime in favor of more cram sessions for standardized tests. It still counts as exercise if your kid fills in enough circles.

Your job as a bare minimum parent is to dress your kid so they won’t get sent home. Every day your child isn’t returned to you early is a victory. The free time you gain is worth the price of a new wardrobe.

Everyday Clothes

This is where standards go to die. At home, far from the judgmental eyes of people who might report your kids to social services, you can dress your kid however you want. Say good-bye to the cruel oppression of buttons, poppers, and zippers. Say hello to the sweet liberation of elastic waistbands and stretchy fabrics. In these loose, comfortable clothes, your child will have total freedom of movement. But they’ll be at home, so they won’t move at all.

Not all everyday clothes are created equal. There are the ones your kid can wear to the supermarket because they still look presentable if you’re far away and have bad eyesight. Then there are the clothes your kid can only wear around the house because they’re dirty and torn up but still cover the necessary areas. Finally, there are clothes they can barely even wear around the house. These are a step away from being turned into rags. Don’t bother washing them. That only makes the stains stronger. Keep everyday clothes of each type on hand so your kid is ready for every level of idleness. There’s nothing worse than slacking off unprepared.

Most everyday clothes are made, not bought. They start their existence as school clothes and get downgraded after a hard life. People aren’t the only things that fall apart as they age. Everyday clothes seldom start out as good clothes, though. Nobody plays tag in an old dress worn at a wedding. Though maybe they should. At least then your kid would get to wear it twice.

Back to Basics

If you treat clothes as tools for physical and social survival rather than as fashion statements, you can hit all three benchmarks of successful parenting with minimal effort. Your child will more easily support themselves in the workforce if they know how to blend in to avoid work or how to stand out to steal credit. All it takes is the right ugly sweater. If your child is clothed, they won’t be arrested for being naked in public, so you can cross at least one type of social deviant off the list. And if your kid tries to blame you for their problems based on how you dress them, you could always suggest they buy their own clothes. That’ll shut them up quick.

Make all clothing decisions for your kid with those benchmarks in mind. If you do it right for your oldest child—with minimal thought and even less effort—you’ll never have to do it again. Sorry, every kid after the first one. Enjoy your hand-me-downs.