We all have people in our life who rub us up the wrong way. I once did the following practice focusing on a colleague I was in daily contact with, but with whom I had a difficult relationship. She was grumpy, demanding, and often rude (so I thought), but it was an important relationship for both of us. I could do nothing about her attitude, but I could do something about mine and so for a while she became my focus in a Loving Kindness practice, in which I wished this person well, picturing her as someone who wanted to be happy, liked, and loved.
As I progressed with this practice, the difference in our relationship was remarkable. However, the change was in me; I had done nothing to her. I now saw her in a new light, which changed the way I related to her. It was not an intellectual change, but an emotional one. Although we never became friends, we established a good working relationship.
Our body is a true barometer of our feelings. I was doing this practice with someone who was causing a lot of hurt to a friend. When I tried to say “May you be well,” I was surprised to feel a strong resistance in my body. One part of me was saying “Come on Anna, wish him well…” yet the other flatly refused. There was no way my true self was prepared to do this, even if intellectually I wanted to. Remembering a teaching by Joseph Goldstein, I explored what I would be prepared to wish, testing different phrases against the sensations I felt in my body. After a few moments I came up with “May you be free from anger,” since this was the emotion that was driving this person’s behavior, and I could feel no resistance in my body to saying this. I continued the practice using just that phrase.
Sit in a comfortable position and before you start, choose someone who is irritating you. (I strongly recommend that you do not choose anyone who has hurt you significantly—keep it small, manageable, and safe, as this practice can stir up strong emotions.)
Take some time to settle into your posture, connecting with the breath and the body. It is important first to establish a good sense of the breath, so that you can come back to it any time things become difficult.
Bring to mind your chosen person. It can be helpful to picture the person somewhere he or she can’t reach you (such as on an island surrounded by shark-infested waters.) Wherever you picture the person, begin wishing him or her well, using the following phrases or others of your own.
Silently repeating the phrases, feel the resonance ripple out and notice the effect on the body, the mind, and the emotions. Return your attention to the breath if any of these become too strong. (If you feel overwhelmed at any time, return to Offering Kindness to Yourself and do this for a while.)
You need to do this practice regularly. Doing it once is unlikely to create any change. However, it is better initially to do it for only a few minutes sandwiched between longer periods of Mindfulness of Breathing and gradually build up the time.
Remember we are not seeking to change the other person’s behavior or attitudes in any way. Any changes will arise in us, not in them, but the way we interact with them may affect their response to us.