Lauren’s Decision

Tim found it hard to wrap his head around Lauren’s plans for an assisted death. It seemed all but impossible to voluntarily lay down one’s life. How could you even work up the courage to make such a choice? Was it really the easier option? For Lauren – and for her family too?

He rinsed the lettuce in the sink and proceeded to fish each salad leaf from the water.

Lauren was standing by the stove, humming a song. She smiled a happy smile. Today was a good day. At last! She’d had five seizures during the past two days. He was glad that she could only dimly remember those events. She had barely been responsive during each, failing to recognize both him and Celeste after her mother had arrived to help them through it. Alyssa had cried all night while Lauren kept screaming in pain again and again. Those were two very difficult days for the family, and today they all breathed a little easier.

Tim operated the salad spinner with new-found energy and added the now dry leaves to the yoghurt dressing.

Then he walked over to Lauren by the stove, peeking over her shoulder and into the saucepan. Meatballs were swimming in their spicy sauce, and fragrant Basmati rice was sitting in its bowl, steaming, and waiting to be served.

‘Salad’s ready,’ he mumbled into her ear and kissed the side of her neck.

‘So is the rest.’

Lauren turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck. Her smile was blissful and her breathing was calm, but in her eyes Tim could see that there was something on her mind.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, worried.

‘Do you love me enough, Tim, to let me go when things get worse?’ she asked gravely.

‘Are you talking about your seizures?’

‘Of course. And about my body, Tim. Don’t tell me you don’t notice the changes. I’ve put on eight or nine pounds – which isn’t bad considering I lost all that weight before, but this . . .’ She motioned toward her swollen feet . . . this is water retention. I’ve got it in my legs and in my hands.’ She tried to pull her wedding band off her finger as a way of proving her point.

‘Do you need water retention pills? Do you want me to call Doctor Eckhard?’

He was about to reach for his cell phone, but Lauren touched his arm. ‘No, no need. I want to know that I can count on you – even if and when I choose when enough is enough.’

Tim swallowed. Touching her chin, he tenderly ran his finger over her lower lip. He didn’t want to let her go. But he understood. The pain had become barely manageable; as had her seizures. During those last two days he could feel her slipping through his fingers. He knew she didn’t have much time left – no matter what choice she made.

He kissed her and searched her eyes. She was scared, just like him.

‘Of course, Lauren. I’m here for you, whatever you decide. I love you! And if loving you means taking away the fear and making it possible for you to die in a way that doesn’t scare you, then that’s what I’m going to do, my love. Because you mean everything to me.’

They held each other, and it didn’t matter that the sauce burned and the rice went lumpy. It didn’t matter that Mia came down the stairs and snorted unhappily because the table wasn’t even set yet. And it didn’t matter that the food was way too salty again. Even Mia bit her tongue.

Lauren felt she should be happy about this. Tim was being supportive. He had her back, and he supported her need to die with dignity. She didn’t need to be afraid of losing control anymore.

But the furtive grimaces across the dinner table were proof of something she was unable to see herself: That the food was barely edible. The fact that her loved ones kept eating without so much as a word of criticism touched her – and scared her at the same time. They were only being considerate because she’d been having such a bad couple of days.

The sand in her hourglass of life kept relentlessly trickling away, and they knew it. And Lauren knew it, too. She was worried about passing the point when she was still able to make her own choices. How many more seizures would she go through while still being lucid as she came out of them? How many more times would she black out and actually wake up at the end of it?

She put down her fork and folded her hands in her lap. ‘Stop eating,’ she said gloomily. ‘I can see that there’s something wrong with it.’

She looked into the face of her youngest, knowing Alyssa couldn’t lie. ‘How is your rice, honey? Does it taste weird?’

Alyssa looked, with her eyes wide, first at Tim and then at the plate in front of her.

‘It’s sour,’ she whispered.

‘It’s not sour, dummy, it’s salty! Salty! Can’t you tell the difference? You know, Mom tried really hard cooking us a nice dinner, and it’s not right to whine about it!’ Mia hissed, throwing angry glances at her sister.

‘Hey, stop it, you two, all right?’ Tim intervened and put down his knife and fork. Sheepishly, he looked Lauren in the eye. ‘I’m sorry, honey. We didn’t mean to worry you.’

He motioned toward the still steaming rice and shrugged his shoulders. ‘Happens to the best of us.’

After the salad had been repurposed into the main dish along with a few slices of bread, and a handful of cookies for dessert had saved the epic dinner fail, Lauren took Alyssa into her lap. Mia was again typing away on her cell phone, and Tim seemed wrapped up in thought. After she had pressed a kiss against the back of Alyssa’s neck and shot a desperate glance in Tim’s direction, Lauren worked up her courage.

‘Mia, sweetie, we recently talked about how my illness is going to progress.’

‘Oh, poor Mommy!’ Alyssa interjected, sweet and loving as always. ‘I can kiss it better if you like,’ she offered and turned around to press tiny, wet baby kisses against Lauren’s forehead.

‘Thank you, honey, I feel so much better now.’

Mia rolled her eyes at such an obvious lie, but Tim reached for her hand, trying to convince her not to make it any harder on her younger sister.

Once Lauren had wrestled down her baby girl and rewarded her for the therapeutic kisses, Mia asked impatiently: ‘So? What about it? How is your illness going to play out? Any new therapies?’

It almost broke Lauren’s heart, because beneath Mia’s usual wall of defiance and standoffishness she could detect the hope behind her griping. A child’s hope for a happy ending.

‘No, Mia. There aren’t any.’ Lauren took a deep breath. Her pulse was racing. What was there to say? ‘But did you know that some states have passed laws on dying with dignity? A law that’s going to help me avoid turning into a zombie.’ Lauren jokingly tried to pick up where they had left off the other day.

‘What?’

‘Your mom would like to choose when and how she goes,’ Tim took over the delicate topic. ‘Meaning that we’re not going to allow cancer to destroy her. When the pain becomes unbearable, there’s a medication she can take . . .’ A heavy silence finished the sentence, and Mia understood. Alyssa didn’t – which was what Tim had intended.

‘I could fall asleep peacefully, Mia,’ Lauren added when she noticed her daughter staring at them in disbelief.

‘You’re insane!’ Mia called out, nervously brushing a few strands of black hair from her face.

‘When you fall asleep peacefully, you get a good night’s sleep and always wake up in a good mood!’ Alyssa declared. Mia made the crazy sign with her index finger.

‘So when Mom takes this medication she’s not going to wake up again, is she?’

She pushed back her chair and jumped to her feet, glancing from Tim to Lauren. ‘Then you’ll be gone – forever!’ She took three steps back. ‘You’re such a coward, Mom! Such a coward – and what a rotten thing to do! What about us?’

With that, she spun around and stormed out of the house.

* * *

Mia looked over as if asking for forgiveness, but Lauren smiled. Mia didn’t need to apologize for her feelings or for being scared. After all, she was still a child, and Lauren didn’t find it hard to imagine what all this must be doing to her eldest daughter.

Lauren’s eyes wandered out over the lake. It was changing color. Barely noticeable, like the night sky. The darkest hours of the night had passed – and Lauren hoped that the darkest hours in her friends’ lives had passed, too.

‘We struggled with making that decision,’ she explained thoughtfully. ‘And yet it’s the easiest decision to make. It’s only one of several possible paths – I don’t need to take it if I start having doubts. And there’ll always be doubts, because I love life so much. Every single day of it.’ She looked over to Rachel who was just lifting her newborn baby from the stroller to feed him. It would be a while before he would sleep through the night. Lauren smiled. ‘Like the day that I held young Eric in my arms for the first time.’