The Klapthorian Death Cruiser silently rounded the sun and pointed straight for Earth like a slow-motion arrowhead. It had no lasers, no missiles, no blaster cannons. It didn’t need any of those things. Its real planet-destroying weapon, the Klapthorian Death Slug, was sleeping peacefully in its cage in the back of the vessel, like a family dog on a road trip.

At the front end of the Klapthorian Death Cruiser, in the very tip of its nose, was the teensy little cockpit. In it sat the teensy little captain and his teensy little crew.

As universally feared as this ruthless species of space bullies were, the Klapthorians stood only about twenty inches tall. And they really didn’t appreciate having that fact pointed out to them.

A Klapthorian first officer rushed to the thronelike captain’s seat. The Klapthorian leader sat surrounded by lights and buttons in the center of the cockpit.

“Captain.”

“Yes, what is it?” The captain sighed. He was a bit sad, because he’d recently been thinking about his mother.

“Sir, the human known as El Solo Libre has been successfully zapped aboard. He’s being held in the brig, ready for execution.”

“Let me ask you something, officer. When’s the last time you called your mother?”

“Uh, sir, our mother’s been gone a long time. We’re brothers, remember?”

The captain looked closely at his first officer. “Oh, that’s right. I thought you looked familiar. Sorry, Donald.”

“It’s Douglas, sir.”

 

Herbert was stuck to a wall made of what looked like a beehive’s honeycomb material. It was crusty and lumpy and had a funny smell. His hands and feet were held by the gooey gluelike slime that oozed from the porous walls. It wasn’t comfortable.

A voice suddenly echoed from somewhere, startling him.

“What an honor. El Solo Libre, the greatest AlienSlayer in all the universe, right here on our humble Death Cruiser.”

The captain’s voice sounded close, but Herbert couldn’t place where it was coming from.

Then he looked down.

The buglike leader stood at about Herbert’s knees, grinning, with a few officers. They looked like a tiny group of angry insect elves.

“Oh, there you are. Didn’t see you way down there.”

The Klapthorian captain’s grin disappeared. His tiny face grew dark. The officers slowly backed away from him. Four fluttering insect wings sprung from his back.

BZZZZZZZ…In an instant, the Captain was hovering in the air, right up in Herbert’s face.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that as an insult, I just—”

“SILENCE! Your mouth has gotten you into enough trouble, AlienSlayer. It nearly cost you your planet, and now it will cost you your life. To say nothing of the pain you’ve put your mother through.”

He buzzed to the other Klapthorian officers. They swarmed around a lever and pulled it down. The floor beneath Herbert disappeared. He hung suspended in the goopy wall above an enormous but oddly familiar-looking creature, sleeping soundly in his cage below. Herbert caught his breath.

“Is that a real Klapthorian Death Slug?!”

“You do know your aliens, slayer.” The captain chuckled, still fluttering in Herbert’s face. “So you must also know that there’s nothing Mr. Nibbles enjoys more after a long nap than a nice, juicy, Klapthorian nectar-dipped hunk of raw meat.”

A million things raced through Herbert’s mind, but one odd thought in particular really annoyed him: He was about to become a human-size, honey-dipped, SuperCheezy-HERBERT-OnnaStick.

“Well, this is ironic,” he muttered to himself.

SHLLLLLUUUP! The ooze holding Herbert’s hands and feet made a horrible sucking noise as it began to withdraw back inside the walls.

Herbert tried to hold on to the slime, but it was like trying to grab a fistful of snot. The goo slipped through his fingers, and he fell through the trapdoor. As he did, he reached out and grabbed something.

BZZZZZTTT!!!

Herbert was gripping the tiny, kicking legs of the Klapthorian captain.

As the two of them dropped straight for the sleeping Death Slug’s head, the captain violently flapped his tiny wings like he’d never flapped before. His efforts slowed their fall to a stop in midair, where they hovered unsteadily just above the horrible creature’s head.

BZZZZZZZZ-ZZZZZZT!

The giant worm stirred at the buzzing near its earhole, and rolled over on its back.

SKRONK! Its snore rattled the cage, leaving its mouth wide open. Herbert tried not to squeal as his feet dangled just above the gaping mouth full of spiraling razor teeth.

The Klapthorian captain began yanking at Herbert’s hair.

“Ow!”

Herbert let go with one hand and swung on the captain’s feet with the other, throwing the struggling little bug alien into a tailspin. The two of them slammed into the side of the cage, and Herbert dropped to the floor. Finally free, the Klapthorian captain shot straight up through the trap door, shaken but glad to have gotten away.

Mr. Nibbles opened his horrible mouth so wide the mayor’s SkyLimo could’ve parallel-parked inside. Herbert clenched his eyes shut and prepared to be eaten.

YAAAAAAWWWWWWNNN! The Klapthorian Winged Death Slug rolled over again and fell back asleep.

The officers buzzed around their dear leader, checking him for any injuries as they rushed him off toward his tiny cockpit.

“Who knew El Solo Libre was so cunning! It’s fortunate we destroyed him before he could attack us.”

“Planet Earth dead ahead, sir. Awaiting your orders.”

The captain sat up slowly. He focused his gaze out the cockpit window, past the moon, at the Earth in the distance.

“LUNN-CHMUNNY reading?”

“I can’t find any LUNN-CHMUNNY, sir.”

“I won’t break a promise to a mother. Pull a U-turn around that small, white rock up ahead. Let’s head home.”