(In front of Aerithraine Castle. Present are Krabbi, Luna, Bud, Mack, and citizens.)

 

Krabbi:

Apples! Apples! Get your apples here!

 

Mack:

Fish! Fish for Sale! Fresh Fish!

 

Bud:

Petunias! Carnations! Red, red roses!

 

Krabbi:

We are the vendors who sell in the marketplace,

 

Mack:

Here in the city, the jewel of the world,

 

Bud:

We do our best to put on the best place,

 

Krabbi:

Here in the city known as Illustria,

 

Mack:

Where fortunes are made and banners unfurled.

 

Bud:

I peddle my flowers to all with a spare coin,

 

Krabbi:

I sell my apples to young and to old,

 

Mack:

I sell my fish for a silver or gold coin,

 

Bud:

He’ll gladly take a brass penny,

 

Krabbi:

His fish are a week old.

 

Mack:

We’re growing rich in the market, rich and quite fat,

 

Bud:

The people are thronging along the city streets,

 

Krabbi:

No one goes hungry, can you imagine that?

 

Mack:

I love Illustria, the capital of Aerithraine,

 

Bud:

It’s a marvelous city where everyone eats.

 

(Enter Penny)

 

Penny:

(Aside) Not everyone eats, Merchant. For every fat street vender there are four hungry brats with no silver or gold, or no brass penny neither. There are those of us who beg in the streets and there are those of us who skim the sewers. Then there are those of us who take what we can…. (picks pocket) Pardon me. I am off to reap what the merchants have sown. (Exit)

 

Krabbi:

Apples for Sale! Nice Apples! Not a worm in sight!

 

Mack:

I could use some worms. Fish are gettin’ so they don’t bite on corncobs no more.

 

Krabbi:

Here, help yourself. I’ve worms a plenty. The whole crop this year is wormy.

 

Mack.

That’s a good lad. Are you ready to sup, Krabbi. They’ve a mutton stew at the Angry Rooster for three pence.

 

Krabbi:

I’m for it, Mack. (Exit Krabbi and Mack. Enter Myolaena.)

 

Enter Myolaena.

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) It’s a lovely day in Illustria, the jewel of Aerithtraine, nay the very jewel of all Celestria. The people are happy. The kingdom is prosperous. The king sits well upon his throne…

 

Luna:

I’m just a serving wench out for some fresh air,

I’ve spent all the night in the tavern down yon’,

It’s such a delight to sit here in the fresh air,

No fighting with pipe fumes from dusk until dawn,

 

I’m just a serving wench out in the morning air,

My world is the tavern, the rogues, and the ale,

I somehow can’t see why the world is so bright,

It makes my life seem somehow oh so pale,

 

I’m just a serving wench, but I am so much more,

I sing and I dance and I play a mean lyre,

If a kind man could find my heart’s door,

I would gather his hearthstones and light his fire.

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) They young maid is lonely. She needs someone. (Wiggles her finger at Bud).

 

Bud:

(To Luna) A flour for you, Luna. No charge.

 

Luna:

Thank you. It is a pretty thing, isn’t it?

 

Myolaena:

Ah,yes. Love is the ideal magic. But the lass isn’t saying what she truly feels. (Wiggles her finger at Luna)

 

Luna:

Oh you sweet thing! (Jumps on Bud and kisses him) I love you Bud! Take me away and let’s be wed.

 

Myolaena:

There you see magic. But it is a small thing for me. I am Myolaena Maetar, the court magician— sorceress thaumatageur, prestidigitator, diviner, seer, mystic— I am spellcaster, mage, conjurer, and necromancer. I am all that.

 

I am she who keeps the kingdom running well. I am she who keeps King Justin on his throne. I bring prosperity and fair weather. I am all that.

 

I can read minds! I can shape creations of matter and energy. I can brew potions of love or hate or death. I can let you fly through the air, or stew in your own juices. I can summon up the wise men of all the ages, or the most horrifying monsters. I am all that… and a bag of chips.

 

I should be openly acknowledged as the mighty ruler I am. I should be Queen. But though I am not, I have cast my spells and laid my plots. I am like the spider in the center of a vast web. And I will devour my prey, after my own fashion.

 

(Exit Luna and Bud. Enter the Waiting Women. They step forward to deliver their lines as a chorus)

 

Wait’ Women:

We are three maids who wait on the Queen,

She’s the sweetest sovereign the world has yet seen,

Though she has one pain that many speak of,

The King and the Queen have never known love.

 

We wait and we pray for we know our duty,

We must take care of our majestic beauty,

This duty is clear and our faith is too true,

But until true love comes there is nothing to do.

 

The Queen hails from Goth, a land far away,

But we lover her so, and wish her to stay,

The people adore her, as do her sons,

Of riches and wealth, you know she has tons,

 

If only the king would wake up and take notice,

He’d see that beside him sits a true Venus,

Though none can say where angels have been,

Angels are nothing when they’re next to our Queen.

 

(Exit Waiting Women. Enter Phoebe)

 

Phoebe:

Queen Beatrix calls for you, Sorceress.

 

Myolaena:

Am I the Queen’s serving woman, that she calls for me thus? Am I the Queen’s lacky?

 

Phoebe:

You are the Queen’s subject and are at her command.

 

Myolaena:

I am the Sorceress Supreme! I could change that woman into a newt.

 

Phoebe:

The Queen is protected by powerful magics and cannot be so affected.

 

Myolaena:

True. But you are not. (Phoebe looks scared and exits quickly.)

 

The wench is correct. I cannot simply eliminate the Queen. But what if the King’s eye should wander in my direction? Can one refuse a King? Nay! I have laid plots and spells. Now I go to answer the wretched Queen. (Exits)

 

(Enter Knights’ Girls)

 

Knights’ Girl 1:

(Dreamily) Did you see Sir Reginald? He is to die for!

 

Knights’ Girl 2:

(Dreamily) He touched my arm when he shoved me out of the way.

 

Knights’ Girl 3:

How about Sir David?

 

Knights’ Girl 1:

Just leave me alone with him and a can opener!

 

Knights’ Girl 2:

Keep dreaming girl. He likes me better.

 

Knights’ Girl 1:

He likes me more!

 

Knights’ Girl 3:

Well, he likes me almost as much as he likes himself.

 

Girls 1&2:

Really?

 

(Knights’ Girls step forward to deliver their lines as a chorus.)

 

Knights’ Girls:

We are the girls who follow the knights,

We hear all their adventures and watch all their fights,

The are dreamy, all dressed in their shiny steel armor,

Just watching them makes our hearts feel much warmer.

 

Sir Thomas is sweet, but stupid it’s true,

Sir David is boring, but he’s handsome too,

Sir Reginald touches every girl’s heart,

The one we can’t stand is that Britomart.

 

Where does she get off being a knight,

For a girl to wear armor, it just isn’t right.

 

(Exit Knights’ Girls)

(Enter Sir Thomas and Sir David)

 

David:

Protecting the King is our primary duty. Protecting the King is what we became knights for.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

Why, even if we were five minutes near death ourselves, we should Rise Up and protect the King.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

Still, if a dragon were in the area, it would be duty as well to slay it.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

Dragons are nasty fiends, you know. Have you studied them?

 

Thomas:

Nope.

 

David: I made a comprehensive study of them with Sir Drake and the Weapons Academy. They are wily creatures—more frightening that the most horrible ogre— stronger than the greatest giant— smarter than most sages. They are the ultimate foe. And if I am ever so fortunate to see a dragon, I will quickly eliminate the wyrm.

 

Thomas:

Worm?

 

David:

Yes, all the great authorities refer to the beasts as wyrms. It is from the root word wyrd, in the ancient tongue of scholars.

 

Thomas:

Okay.

 

(Enter Myolaena)

 

Myolaena

(Aside) Here you see two foolish knights who think their swords keep this nation state strong. If they were to meet a real dragon, they would find themselves petrified. He wouldn’t need to lift a claw or a wing. He wouldn’t need to breath fire. His very aura could drive them away crying like babies, or compel them to do anything at all.

 

The first is a great braggart and thinks he knows far more than he does. If I had a gold crown for each time he made a fool of himself, I should buy the kingdom. The other is such a dullard. He once locked himself in him own suit of armor.

 

(Enter Sir Reginald)

 

Reginald:

Sir David!

 

David:

Hail Sir Reginald, knight of the Black Shield.

 

Reginald:

Don’t hail me! I come to challenge you! You accused me of having uncertain ancestry.

 

David:

Tut, tut, fellow. I merely said that you were not as noble in blood as I.

 

Reginald:

I can trace my ancestry back fourteen generations, to Tiberian the Black King!

(Reginald attacks. They fight back and forth across the stage.)

 

David: Still, I can trace my ancestry back to the grandparents of Adam and Eve.

(They fight more.)

 

Reginald:

Your mother was an orphan scullery maid, and your father was my father’s squire.

 

David:

Tut, tut, fellow. You mistake me for someone else.

(They continue to fight. Reginald strikes a glancing blow. David falls.)

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) Oh, no. I cannot let this bragging oaf be killed. The king might find a captain of the guards who actually knows what is going on.

(To Reginald) Pain.

 

Reginald:

Oh! I am slain! I go for a leach!

(Exits)

 

David:

(Standing up) I am the victor!

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) He is a pin-head.

 

David:

My honor is vindicated!

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) His idiocy is proved. That other Spam in a can will be fine, but it will be some time before he decides to challenge Sir Full-of-himself to a duel again.

 

(Exit Thomas and David. Enter Krabbi, Mack, and Bud. Myolaena steps to the side of the stage.)

 

Mack:

Fish for Sale. Fresh fish!

 

Krabbi:

Apples! Bushel a pence!

 

(Enter Penny. She walks up to Mack and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly way.)

 

Penny:

Hello, good fishmonger! (Steals Mack’s purse) It is a lovely day today.

 

Mack:

Hello friend. (Exits, unknowing.)

 

Penny:

(Opens up purse and takes out a coin) I’ll have one of your fine apples, vendor. Keep the change. (Steals Krabbi’s purse.)

 

Krabbi:

Thank you citizen. (Exits)

 

(Enter David and Thomas)

 

Penny:

I do think I shall have a carnation for my lapel. Here you go good fellow. (Hands Bud a coin and steals his purse.)

 

Thomas:

What? Here! (Grabs Penny)

 

David:

What a piece of knavery we have here!

 

Thomas:

A thief.

 

Bud:

Why, she’s stolen my purse!

 

David:

(Searching Penny) Looks as though the thief has more than one.

 

Bud:

Why she’s stolen my two purses!

 

David:

Here you go, vendor. One. Two. It is lucky for you that we came along when we did.

 

Bud:

It certainly is. Very lucky indeed. (Exits, pleased)

 

David:

And one purse for His Majesty’s soldiers. (Pockets the other purse.)

 

(Enter Justin and Beatrix)

 

King:

Sir David? Sir Thomas? What have we here?

David:

My partner and I have uncovered an errant piece of knavery. Her we have a little thief.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

King:

Sorceress! Can we allow such crime to run rampant in our streets?

 

Myolaena:

(Shrugs)

 

King:

You must weave some magics to protect the honest folk.

 

Myolaena:

(Sighs) I do what I can, Majesty.

(Aside) If I got rid of all the dishonest people, he’d have no guardsmen at all.

 

King:

Well, Sir David. You must carry out my orders and execute the sentence. For thievery in Illustria, we… What is it we do again?

 

Queen:

You must cut something off, Dear.

 

King:

Yes, I know that. But what? Is it the right hand or the left hand?

 

Queen:

Perhaps a foot, Dear.

 

Penny:

(Aside) I like this not!

 

King:

Foot! Foot! Perhaps in your father’s backward kingdom! Not here! Foot! Why ever did I wed such a dullard?

 

David:

To prevent recurrence of the crime, it should be the head, Majesty.

 

King:

Take her hence, and cut off… oh, cut off whatever you please. (Exits)

 

Penny:

(To the Queen) Majesty! Mercy, please!

 

Queen:

Of course, Dear. (To David) Make it a nice clean cut. And don’t leave a mess. (Exits)

 

David:

We hear our charge and will obey.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

What shall we cut off?

 

Penny:

Please Sir Knight! Can’t we come to an understanding?

 

David:

Save your breath girl, for we are the King’s men.

 

Myo:

(Aside) They are the King’s fools, the King’s lapdogs, the King’s drips.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

What shall we cut off? Her right hand?

 

Thomas:

Hair!

 

David:

Perhaps both legs?

 

Thomas:

Hair!

 

David:

I have always been partial to cutting off the nose. It spites the face, you know.

 

Thomas:

Hair!

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) He’s not the sharpest sword in the armory, is he?

 

David:

We shall split the difference, partner. Off with her head.

 

Thomas:

Okay.

 

Myolaena:

(Waving hands) Time stop. (David, Thomas, and Penny freeze.) Perhaps here we have a tool for my design, a cog for my wheel, a fly for my web. Thank heavens for metaphor!

 

(Myolaena snaps her fingers and Penny unfreezes.)

 

Penny:

Who are you?

 

Myolaena:

I am your savior. I am your friend. I will deliver you from certain death.

 

Penny:

Thank you, Mistress.

 

Myolaena:

In exchange, you will do a thing for me.

 

Penny:

What can I do? Steal something?

 

Myolaena:

Perhaps you can do just that. I have brewed this potion. One drop will bring forth the greatest amore— love, devotion, and kind affection. With it, you will steal the King’s heart for me. You will sneak into the castle and pour this dram upon the King’s head as he sleeps. He will fall horribly in love with the first woman he sees wearing a golden locket, as indeed I will be wearing.

 

Penny:

I know not what I should do,

But one thing’s sure, I am through,

No matter which way that I turn,

My lot’s beheading or a slow burn.

 

To turn on the King is treason, true,

But you don’t know HER, like I do,

There’s nothing worse than magic ladies,

Not scary giants, not burning Hades.

 

What a fix my deeds have wrought,

Oh what a prize my sins have bought,

I sought with guile to fetch my bread,

So they want to part me from my head.

 

Oh wretched me, a pretty child,

Whose way went out a little wild,

I can’t escape to foreign lands,

So I do as she commands.

 

I will do as you instruct. (Exits)

 

Myolaena:

And when you poor this liquid on the King, he will have you killed. And I will have no witnesses to my designs, and nothing these buffoons could ever uncover.

 

(Myolaena exits. David and Thomas unfreeze.)

 

Thomas:

What?

David:

I was just saying that I have a mind to go find a dragon and kill it.

 

(Enter Priss)

 

Priss:

Did I hear someone mention dragonslaying?

 

David:

Yes, citizen.

 

Priss:

Aren’t you afraid? Dragons are over two hundred feet long. They can fly. They can breath fire and cast magic spells. They can shoot beams of energy from their eyes.

 

David:

I can see that you know much of dragons, friend. What is your name?

 

Priss:

Prissus Draco Noventus Augustus, but my friends all call me Priss.

 

David:

Well, Priss. Did you know dragons can use magic to take on human form?

 

Priss:

(Incredulous) Really? Then how can you tell they are dragons?

 

David:

It’s not easy. They have coppery complexions, not unlike yourself. But unlike you Priss, they have very long names.

 

Priss:

I see. Are they dangerous in human form?

 

David:

Quite. And they walk among the cities to study men so that they may trick them. But we are way too smart to be fooled by a dragon.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

Priss:

Oh, I can see that. Would you mind if I tagged along to see the dragon?

 

David:

Sure! Come along! (Exit David and Priss)

 

(Enter Knights’ Girls who step forward and deliver their lines as a chorus.)

 

Knights’ Girls:

They hunt for a dragon, and we say OH MY!

Some fellow among them might possibly die,

Dragons are scary and can make one dead,

Then there’d be one less bachelor to wed.

Nothing good comes from hunting dragons,

These boys should stick to baseball and red wagons.

 

(Exit Knights’ Girls. Enter Britomart, who confronts Sir Thomas.)

 

Britomart:

Halt Knight!

 

Thomas:

Okay.

 

Britomart:

I am Britomart, Lady Knight. I am cursed to challenge all the knights in Celestria until I am defeated.

 

Thomas:

Okay. (They fight)

 

Britomart:

Alas, you are doomed, Knight. You see I am destined to slay every foe I face until I meet the simplest man in the realm. (They continue to fight.)

 

Thomas:

Okay. (He strikes and she falls.) Goodbye. (Thomas exits.)

 

Britomart:

But Wait!

 

(Steps forward and speaks to the sky.)

Oh, great guardians above,

Can this thing I feel be love,

I’ve been defeated by his sword,

But his face has struck a chord,

Of love within this sad, sad breast,

I now of men have found the best!

 

(Exit Britomart)

 

(Enter the Queen)

 

Queen:

Alas! Why is it that I was not married to a man who could love me? I have been a dutiful daughter and a dutiful wife. I have born two strong young Princes to be heirs to my husband. All I desire in life is love, and love is the one thing I do not have.

 

(Folds her hands in prayer)

I ask the sky and stars above,

Why is it I cannot have love,

Though many years we two are wed,

He does not care if I am dead,

A cold and wintery life is this,

If never falls a wedded bliss,

If he shall never know love true,

Then I forever shall be blue.

 

(Enter Phoebe)

 

Phoebe:

Your Majesty. Your royal father has sent you a gift.

 

Queen:

What is it?

 

Phoebe:

This royal locket. It was forged high in the mountains by the cloud giants for Queen Nepsis of the Antediluvians. Now it is yours.

 

Queen:

It is very beautiful. Pity it cannot bring me love.

 

Phoebe:

Take heart, Majesty. Love will come for you someday. You will get what you deserve. Everyone does.

 

Queen:

You always know what to say, Phoebe. (Exit Queen)

 

Phoebe:

It is my duty and my charge, Your Majesty, to always say the right thing. Even when there is no right thing to say, I still say it. And who appreciates it? Only the Queen. No one else. (Exit Phoebe)

 

(Enter the King)

 

King:

I am tired of ruling. Perhaps I should give the city over to a regent and go upon a crusade against the goblins or the Eskimos.

 

(More Poetry)

 

The crown lies heavy on the head,

And chases sleep from out my bed,

The people, nobles— beggars too,

All count on me. You know it’s true,

And who have I to count upon?

None but those who grovel and faun,

On Myo’s arm I sometimes lean,

Though she has prove she’s quite mean,

For the Prince’s help I would be pleased,

But his tutors say he’s RPCed,

So I’m alone and feeling weary,

I order all eyes to be teary!

 

(The king lies down to sleep. Enter Penny, sneaking. She pours a potion on the king’s head.)

 

King:

(Waking) What is this? An assassin! (Grabs Penny) Guards!

 

Penny:

Alas, I am always being grabbed.

 

King:

You shall squeal.

 

Penny:

Like a stuck pig, Your Majesty.

 

King:

You will spill the beans.

 

Penny:

Like a rotten gunny-sack, Your Majesty.

 

King:

You will tell me your master’s name.

 

Penny:

Like a scared school girl!

 

(Enter the Queen, wearing the locket and Phoebe)

 

King:

(Seeing the Queen) Oh sweet angel. Oh blessed thing! Oh object of my desires! Where did you come from?

 

Queen:

Well, I’ve been here all the time.

 

King:

Was I so blind that I could not see such a goddess, such a creation, such a vision?

 

Queen:

Yes. Yes you were.

 

King:

Come with me. We will never be apart again.

 

(Exit King and Queen)

 

Phoebe: I must confess that I know not what to say. (To Penny) You had best come with me.

 

Penny:

Yes.

 

(Exit Phoebe and Penny. Enter Myolaena.)

 

Myolaena:

Here’s one of my pretty plots brought to ruin by wretched chance. Fear not. I have others. (Exits)

 

(Enter Waiting Women, who step forward and deliver their lines as a chorus.)

 

Waiting Women:

Our dreams have been answered: Hooray for the Queen,

We’re happier now than we’ve ever been,

No more will we have to mop up her tears,

We shall sit and enjoy her laughter for years.

 

The timing is perfect for this to come ‘bout,

The Prince is grown up and about to move out,

We are so happy for the Queen we do love,

And wish that all the world might find love.

 

Unfortunately we’re all mired in such bogs,

Life would be better if men weren’t such dogs.

 

(Enter David, Thomas, and Priss)

 

Priss:

Well, we’ve searched every cave and cavern in the countryside.

 

David:

I don’t understand why the dragon wasn’t there.

 

Priss:

Perhaps he flew south for the winter.

 

David:

Sir Drake never mentioned anything about that at the academy.

 

Priss:

Perhaps the dragon heard you were coming and was frightened away.

 

David:

That’s probably it! And what dragon wouldn’t be frightened to see us coming?

 

Priss:

(Steps forward to address the audience with his poem.)

Oh what fools these humans be,

And they have yet to watch TV,

I’ll bet you gold coins to tomatoes,

They turn into old couch potatoes,

They dance like puppets on little strings,

When I feel the need to stretch my wings,

And when I feel the need to play,

Like tennis balls they mark the day,

There is one fair human maid,

In quest of whom some plans I’ve laid,

And she may soon be quite dismayed,

And that…

 

David:

(Steps forward and interrupts Priss with his own poem.)

The gods above have shined on me,

And shed their tears for they can see,

That among them, none’s my match,

And for women, I’m a catch.

I have the sharpest rapier wit,

Of knowledge, I have every bit,

Of beauty, there can be none better,

All women love but none can fetter,

I must be free to roam and venture,

Till I am old, and… um… and need a denture.

 

(Enter Myolaena)

 

Myolaena:

I would be happy. I would be merry. If they’d burn the rhyming dictionary!

 

Thomas:

What? Ho!

 

David:

Stop Sorceress! The king has ordered your arrest.

 

Myolaena:

Arrest me? How can a fuzzy kitten arrest me? You are a fuzzy kitten! (Waves her hands to cast a spell, but nothing happens.) What’s wrong? You are a fuzzy kitten!

 

David:

It’s no use Sorceress. My friend Priss has given me a charm to protect me from your spells.

 

(Enter the King)

 

King:

You have conspired against me, Myolaena. You must be punished.

 

Myolaena:

You can’t do anything to me. You need me. Who will protect you from the hordes of goblins and monsters? Who will enchant your armor, breed your winged horses, or transport your armies through the ether? You need me.

 

King:

Quite right, and besides the results of your plots have rendered me a certain service, in providing me with the most delightful creation of womanhood.

 

(Enter the Queen. She takes the King’s hand.)

 

King:

But you must be kept in check. I have decided you must be married. Your husband will become the object of your plots, and save the rest of us much trouble. You shall marry Sir David!

 

David:

Sire! I like this not!

 

Myolaena:

No! I’ll not be given over to that braggart. I’d turn myself into a toad first. I would rather marry that great fool, Sir Frontal Lobotomy (gestures at Thomas).

 

King:

Very well. Marry Sir Thomas.

 

Thomas:

Okay.

 

(Enter Britomart)

 

Britomart:

Hold! I claim this man by right of his conquest. No man has ever made me feel the way that he has.

 

Myolaena:

Supreme. Another melon-head heard from.

 

Britomart:

Can you imagine going through life with the thought that there may be no one for you to love? Can you imagine living such a terrible life?

 

Queen:

I understand your pain, Lady Knight.

 

Myolaena:

Oh, can we just get on with this?

 

King:

Very well. Sir Thomas will marry the lady warrior.

 

Thomas:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I have a wife now,

Yup.

 

King:

We will have to find another husband for you, Sorceress.

 

Priss:

If it please your Majesty, I will have the wench.

 

King:

Fine. The wedding will be on the morrow. (Exit King, Queen, Knights)

 

Priss:

Come now my wife to be. I will show you whom your husband really is.

 

Myolaena:

I cannot marry just anyone. My husband must be of noble ancestry.

 

Priss:

My dear. I can trace my family back to the dinosaurs.

 

Myolaena:

What is it about you that I find strangely compelling? It’s as if I can refuse you nothing.

 

Priss:

Oh, how I have wanted you. I’ve laid plots and cast spells to bring all this about. I will show you arcane mysteries that you can only imagine.

 

Myolaena:

Oooh, keep talking that way.

 

The End.