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WHEN I SAID GOODBYE to Blackwell and Lisa in the conference room, it was noon, my unborn baby was kicking the hell out of me, I felt nauseous in ways that I hadn’t since early in my pregnancy, and I was beyond exhausted after dealing with the lowest thing on my priority list—a baby shower.
Why is this so important to them when it’s not important to me? I thought as I allowed my belly to lead the way to the bank of elevators at the end of the hallway. In a matter of weeks, I’ll be giving birth, which is freaking me out. Who gives a damn about a shower when this kid is about to rip me to shreds?
And then I got a grip and just paused for a moment.
They’re doing this because they love you...
I knew that was the case, which made me feel guilty for even having such thoughts. Lisa and Blackwell did love me—I knew that they only wanted the best for me—so regardless of how I felt about the shower, I had to go through with it for them because I loved them.
As I stepped into an elevator already packed with people and pressed the button for the forty-seventh floor, where Alex and I had our offices, I stood at the back of the car wondering if I even had what it took to raise a child—a question that had plagued me for months. After all, I’d been brought up by abusive, alcoholic parents who had been nothing short of monsters to me.
Can I do this? I wondered as the elevator started to rise. Will I be a good mother or will I be a disappointment? I’ve read all the baby books, I’ve listened to how Blackwell raised Daniella and Alexa, but what am I going to do when the baby’s actually here? How can I be expected to remember everything that I’ve read, every piece of advice that I’d been given, and how it applies to each unique situation I’m about to face? I can’t. I know nothing when it comes to raising a child. Obviously, I can count on Alex, Blackwell, and Lisa for help, but there are going to be times when it’s just going to be me and the baby—and what am I going to do then when things don’t go so smoothly? What if I’m not good enough?
The elevator’s doors slid open, people left, people entered, and I wondered if I was going insane as the doors closed again.
You’re letting your hormones get the best of you, I thought. You’re better than this—come on, Jennifer!
I closed my eyes, took a breath, and then let it out slowly and discreetly in an effort to calm my nerves.
I allowed my mind to turn to what had occurred over the past three hours. Blackwell, Lisa, and I had gone over everything from guest lists to whether I wanted a cake that was so extravagant, it would make Page Six (Blackwell), or sweet little cupcakes with pacifiers on them (Lisa). We even went down the rocky road of what we should have for lunch—an elegant feast (Blackwell), or something that would be a nod to what I really was craving of late—like pizzas, burgers, fried chicken, and, yes, fried pickles (Lisa).
In the end, the only thing we came to terms with was the guest list. Naturally, my closest friends would be invited. And by tomorrow afternoon, I’d agreed to supply Blackwell and Lisa with the names of those women from Wenn whom I absolutely wanted to be there—from executives to secretaries and everyone in between.
When the elevator dinged and I saw that it was my floor, everyone in the car stepped aside to let me pass.
In the awkward silence, I looked at them for a moment and realized by the looks on their faces that I was so huge, every one of them thought I needed this much room just to get through the door. But when I saw that there also was kindness in their eyes, it made me smile a little as I placed my hand on my belly. Before the doors closed, I apologized for inconveniencing them, and then I went straight to Alex’s office, hoping beyond hope that he would be there rather than in a meeting.
At that moment, I needed to unload upon someone who was sane—and that person was my husband.
* * *
“SIT RIGHT THERE,” ALEX said after I’d finished spilling the past several hours on him. “On the sofa—come on. Take my hand. You have every right to be overwhelmed, Jennifer.”
“I think I’m becoming a burden to myself...”
We looked at each other for a moment, and then he instinctively leaned in to kiss me. And when he did, it was no mere chaste kiss. My man went in for the full throw down. He kissed me so passionately, I had to pull away from him.
“What’s wrong?” he said.
I drew my lips into a thin line and held up a finger. “After that kiss? Nothing. In fact, that was amazing. But there’s something you should know about me at this point in our pregnancy, Alex.”
“What’s that?”
“Promise you won’t laugh...”
He crossed his heart. “I promise.”
“Promise, promise?”
“Promise, promise.”
“I’ve never been so horny in my life.”
His eyebrows arched. “You’re horny?”
“You don’t even know how horny I am. And when you kiss me like that? Good God, I just want to have sex on the floor with you right now.”
“I wish I’d known, because trust me, I would have been doing something about it. Hell, for the past few months, I’ve been trying my best to keep my distance from you because I thought that sex would be too uncomfortable for you.”
“I know—I get it. It’s because I’ve become a whale.”
“First of all, you are not a whale—so please stop saying that. The reason is because you are eight months pregnant, and since I’m a man, I have no idea what that feels like. I’ve wanted to make love to you more than you know, but I didn’t want you to feel pressured to go through with it just to please me.”
“And I love you for that,” I said. “But trust me, feel free to find a way to get the job done—if that’s even physically possible—because tonight, Alex? I need a mercy fuck. You know, when you kiss me like you just did? My mind goes to mush and all I want is you on top of me, though that probably wouldn’t work at this point. In fact, if you were to get on top of me, you’d likely be reduced to a Teeter Totter. Still, if you’ll have me, I do want you to make love to me. I’m not sure how that will work, but we can figure it out. Can’t we?”
“Let’s figure it out tonight,” he said.
“Oh, my God, please!” I said. I reached for his hand and kissed the back of it. “Alex, I’m sorry about how I’ve been behaving. This isn’t me. I’m not myself, and I know it.”
“What can I do to help?”
“What we have in mind for tonight will be a huge help—trust me.”
“What else can I do?”
“Just keep being you?”
“There has to be more...”
“Alright. How about if you go on the black market and get me something to stabilize the hormones that are coursing through me?”
“I would if I could.”
“I know you would. But, look, here’s the bright side—in a few weeks, the baby will be here, things will start to settle down, and you and I at long last will be parents.”
His eyes brightened when I said that.
“Don’t,” I said. “Because if you start to get emotional, then there’s no telling what will become of me.”
“But don’t you see?” he said as he leaned in to kiss me again. “When you say that we’re about to become parents, I become the happiest man in the world.”
* * *
AFTER ALEX HAULED ME off the sofa, I asked if he was available for lunch.
“I have a meeting,” he said tentatively. “But I can cancel it. In fact, let me cancel it. You’re more important than any meeting.”
“No, no,” I said. “Go to your meeting. I’ll call Kate and Epifania, and see if either of them are free. If they aren’t, maybe Ann would like to join me for lunch. Either way, I’ll be fine.”
“Where will you go?”
“Probably to some greasy diner because what I’m craving right now is a big fat burger and fries.”
He furrowed his brow at me. “You’ll go out? But I thought the deal we had is that you’d be staying in.”
I pressed my finger against his suited chest. “Don’t worry, because I’ve already thought about that and I have it covered. I’ll take the elevator to the lobby, and Cutter or Tank will drive me to wherever I decide to go. A few steps to the car, a few steps out of the car, a few steps onto the sidewalk and then into the restaurant. Nothing more than that. And since one of them will be at my side, I think we can both agree that with them watching over me, my having lunch out is nothing for you to concern yourself with.”
“I guess that’ll be OK,” he said reluctantly.
“It will be fine. Because after dealing with the ugliness that was Blackwell and Lisa this morning, I need one of three things—Kate’s calm, Epifania’s ability to make me laugh, or Ann’s perspective on how best to deal with the final month of my pregnancy. So,” I said, “give me a kiss, go to your meeting, and I’ll see you later this afternoon.” I winked at him. “And especially later this evening...”
“You’re on,” he said.
I wrapped my arms around him—well, nearly around him. My stomach was too much in the way for me to completely seal the deal.
“I love you, Alex.”
When I said that, he cupped my face in his hands and kissed me before he slid his hands down the length of my body and grabbed my ass.
“Not more than I love you,” he said. “As you’ll see tonight...”
