You gotta help us eat all this. I’m giving you exactly three minutes and then I’m coming to get you. Timer starts now. I’m not letting you chicken out.
I read Dastien’s text three times to make sure I wasn’t misunderstanding, but there was nothing to misunderstand. He’d been pretty clear.
How could he know I was about to chicken out?
I set a timer for two minutes—just long enough to gather some courage—and then sent a quick reply. Be right there.
I stood in front of my closet. So much of what was inside was picked by my mother. I really had to search to put together an outfit that felt more me, but it seemed like a waste to go shopping when I had all these nice things to wear. Other girls would kill for this stuff. Blouses in every color. Skirts. Dresses. Dress pants. But all I really needed were some T-shirts, yoga pants, and I’d give anything for a pair of stretchy skinny jeans, instead of jeans that were so constricting that I felt like I couldn’t fight in them.
I laughed at my own thought. Fight in them? Where did that come from? Who did I think I needed to fight?
The shoes were the worst part. Mother made me feel bad if I wore anything other than heels, but I’d already been wearing them for hours and my feet hurt. I was just going across the hall. It wasn’t like flip-flops were illegal, even if mother had a thing against them.
I kicked off my heels and grabbed the pair of flip-flops that I bought for less than a dollar at the drug store. Mother would be horrified that I owned them—let alone that I was wearing them out of the house—and for some reason, that made me smile as the foam slid under my aching arches.
I pulled off my blouse and traded it for a drapey black V-neck. The jeans would have to stay because my only alternative were dressy slacks, and that seemed way too formal for dinner at my neighbor’s apartment.
And yet—with just the change of shirt and shoes—I instantly felt more comfortable. A year ago, I never would’ve defied my mother like this, but something had changed in me recently.
This was my life. It was the only one I was going to get. It was past time I started living my life for me instead of doing things Mother or Georgine told me to do.
I closed the closet door and went to my mirror. What I saw didn’t make me feel more confident. My reflection always felt like a stranger. That was an unfortunate side effect of the accident. My doctor said it would wear off eventually, but I was still waiting for that to happen.
This was me. The blonde girl in the mirror was me. And at least I was comfortable, or more comfortable than I had been a few seconds ago.
My two-minute timer went off.
I couldn’t believe I was going over there, especially when he had friends over. Although I was leaning toward it being better that they were there. Having more people around took some pressure off of me to start a conversation. It would be less awkward. I hoped.
I shut off the timer.
This was it.
It was now or never.
I didn’t give myself time to second guess my decision. I walked out of my room, straight to my front door, and stepped into the hallway. I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants and knew I needed to put these nerves to bed, but that wouldn’t happen until the night was over.
I quickly locked the door behind me and turned to his door.
Three steps. That’s all it was. I could do this.
I didn’t know why I was putting so much pressure on going over there, but it felt like just beyond that door was a whole new world filled with new friends, new adventures, new possibilities.
I didn’t realize how much I wanted something different from the life I was living, but something about Dastien’s kind smile made me realize that I could have so much more. It was time to take some risks. It was time to try something new.
I strode to his door and knocked softly. I wasn’t sure how it would sound, and I didn’t want to knock too hard, and goddammit, I was overthinking things again.
Stop that, Cassie. This is an all-new you.
A little bit of music came from the apartment just before the door opened.
And there he was. And I couldn’t breathe.
Jesus. Just…holy shit. For a second, I thought I’d been giving him more credit than was due, but nope.
I closed my mouth and prayed I wasn’t drooling, but the guy was just way too hot to be alive—alive in real life. He belonged in a magazine or a movie or the cover of a romance novel. Not standing in front of me. Not inviting me over.
His dark hair had this curling wave in it that made me want to put my hands through it. His light brown eyes drew me in, and then he smiled and the dimples showed up and…
And now I was awkwardly standing here. I should say something.
Say something, Cassie.
Say something now.
“Hi!” My loud squeak of a hello felt like ripping off a Band-Aid, but at least it was done. The awkward ice was broken.
“Hi. Come in.” He moved out of the doorway and waved me into the apartment.
Inside were two more beautiful people. The tall blond guy was also ripped like Dastien. His heather gray T-shirt was stretched tight against his biceps. It was just loose enough to give a hint at what was under it without being showy. He grinned, but it was a lazy, lopsided grin. It made him seem more chill, less intense than Dastien.
He closed the distance between us. “I’m Chris.” He held out his hand, and the second I touched him, he jerked back, dropping my hand and looking away.
If I wasn’t mistaken, he’d gone pale. Was he sick? Was it me? “Sorry. Did I—”
The girl stepped forward, blocking my view of Chris. She was wearing an outfit my mother would approve of—skin-tight jeans, high-heeled boots, and a flowing floral blouse. Her hair was dark blonde and curled all the way down her back. She had a light tan that gave her skin a glowing golden color.
“Don’t mind him.” Her smile was bright and friendly. “I’m Cosette. It’s lovely to meet you, Cassie. I hope you brought your appetite. The guys went a little nuts cooking.” She motioned to her right.
I glanced over at the table. He’d texted me a picture of it, but that didn’t do it justice. It was so full that I wasn’t sure there was enough room for our plates on it. “No kidding, but it all smells wonderful. I—” My stomach growled, and I slapped a hand over it. Could I have been more awkward? “Sorry.”
“Looks like you came to the right apartment.” Chris stepped forward, putting his arm around Cosette. He looked a little better, and he was smiling again. Whatever was bothering him must’ve passed. “Let’s eat. I’m starved.”
“Can I get you something to drink?” Dastien asked.
I realized they were all staring at me with the same look on their faces as if they were expecting me to say or do something, but I wasn’t sure what that something was. “Is there something wrong?”
“No!” They all yelled at once.
I stood straight. There was definitely something up, and from the way they were staring, it had to do with me.
“No, there’s nothing wrong.” Chris elbowed Dastien in the stomach.
Dastien grunted softly and gave Chris a hard stare. “Sorry about that.” He went into the kitchen. “I have Coke, iced tea, lemonade, Diet Coke.”
Okay. So, these three were a little intense, but I was new. Of course, they were curious about me. It was only natural.
“Diet Coke, please.” I scanned the room, stopping on the couch. “Oh! Is that from Restoration Hardware?” I’d wanted that exact couch but in a U-shape.
“It is,” Cosette said. “It’s very comfortable.”
“Oh! And the pouf! I’ve always wanted one like that. All those rich colors. It’s so pretty.”
“You like it?” Dastien asked from the kitchen.
“Yeah. I mean, I know it’s so stupid—I’m still in school and everything—but about a year ago, I started making a binder for my dream house.” I spotted a bookshelf and moved closer to look at the titles. “I figure by the time I have it all figured out, I should have a job and be able to start house hunting. Maybe something in the woods would be good. I definitely want out of the city and a pond and—” Oh my God, I was rambling. There was no way they cared about this at all. “Sorry. I ramble when I’m nervous. I’ll shut up now.”
I looked over at them, and they were staring at me again.
Damn it.
Chris and Cosette shared a look, and then their looks shifted. He tilted his head a little, and she laughed, and then he gave a small shrug. It was weird, but it made me think they were talking to each other without actually saying a word. It had to be so nice—so comforting—to be that close with someone. I wished I had that.
Cosette moved to the table and sat down. “I’m starting without you, boys.” She looked at me. “Come on, Cassie. Don’t make me eat alone.”
I was starving, so I shrugged. “Shame to let this get cold.” I moved over to the table and noticed a big painting on the wall. I paused to look at it.
The woods were dark, but light beamed down on them from the full moon, giving them rich hues of green and brown. In the center of the trees was a pond. A little dock hung over the edge of the water. And— “Is that a wolf? I love wolves. They’re so beautiful.”
I stepped around the table to get closer to the painting. There was a galaxy of stars in the sky. It was always too bright in LA to ever see the stars like that.
The moon’s reflection in the pond rippled. I could almost imagine the girl poking her toes in the cold water on the hot summer night.
My gaze drifted back to the wolf. It looked so cuddly and soft, and the girl had one arm thrown across its back. Like it was nothing more than a big dog. “Wolf or a dog? Do you know?”
“It’s a wolf in that form,” Chris said. “Do you like it?”
“In that form? Is it a werewolf?” I looked at the painting closer, but it just looked like a wolf to me.
But the girl kept drawing my eye. I couldn’t see her face, but something about her felt familiar. Something about the dock girl. The color of her hair and the way she was sitting. Her comfort with the wolf. The land seemed familiar, too, but I’d never been to the country. It was just something that I dreamed about.
And then my gaze went back again to the girl.
Why did she seem familiar?
A headache started to pulse at my temples.
“Do you like it?”
My head wasn’t hurting that bad, but it was making it hard for me to think. I wanted to answer his question, to say yes—I knew I should—but something about that picture was uncomfortable to look at. I glanced away for a second and then went back to it.
My headache went from pulsing to stabbing. “Ummm. I like wolves, but werewolves scare me. I…”
“You don’t like werewolves?” Cosette’s tone sounded a little amused, but I was staring at the painting too hard to look away again. I needed to see something there. Something—
Pain sliced through my skull, and I hissed. I pressed my fingertips to my temples, trying to massage the pain away. “No. I don’t. I don’t know. I…”
Cosette sounded like she was choking—or maybe laughing—but my eyes were squeezed shut. I tried to open them, but the lights made it worse. So much worse.
“Are you okay?” Dastien’s soft voice was filled with concern.
“I’m okay. It’s just a migraine. I get them a lot since my accident.” I looked at the painting again, but it felt like someone stabbed me between the eyes with a sharp, fire-hot knife. The pain dropped me to my knees, but I never hit the floor.
Someone picked me up, cradled me gently in their arms, and carried me across the room.
“I think I have to go back to my apartment. I’m sorry. You went to all this trouble, but I—”
“Shhh. Don’t talk,” Dastien whispered in my ear.
He put me on something soft—must’ve been the couch—and there was some rustling around. I wanted to know what was happening, but I couldn’t think past the pain.
A warm hand pressed against my forehead, and there was a quiet murmuring in a language I didn’t understand.
The pain started to go away, and I blinked my eyes open. It was too bright, and I squeezed them closed.
“Turn out the lights, Dastien.” Cosette’s words were quiet, but the command was clear.
There was a click.
Cosette massaged my temples for a second, murmuring something else before sighing. “Okay. I think that’s better. Try opening them now.”
I blinked my eyes open, and it was much better. They’d left on a light in a room down the hallway, and it was enough to see by. “I’m sorry to cause—”
Cosette moved her hand from my forehead and sat on the pouf in front of me. “Do you get migraines often?”
Sometimes I got them every day, and then I’d go months with none. It didn’t make any sense. “They’re a side effect from my accident.”
“Accident?”
“Yeah.” I tried to sit up, but the room swam.
Cosette put her hand on my shoulder. “Just stay still for a minute.”
I lay back on the couch. “I was in a car accident a while back and suffered a head injury. I lost most of my memory from before the accident, and sometimes get these episodes that land me in the hospital for a few days. But mostly, I’m okay now.” I looked at the guys. They were standing shoulder to shoulder behind Cosette as they watched us. “I should go. My head’s feeling better, but I ruined—”
Cosette grabbed my hand. “You ruined nothing. Stay. Eat.”
“Are you sure?” I looked over at the table. “The painting! Where—”
“I moved it to my bedroom,” Dastien said. “It was hurting you to look at it, so I moved it.”
Shit. I was the worst guest ever. He shouldn’t have to redecorate because of me. “But—”
“Don’t worry about the painting. It would bother me a lot more if you left before getting to eat.” He gave me a smile that was soft and sweet and made me think that he was telling the truth.
“If you’re sure…”
Cosette stood and tugged on my hand, pulling me up with her. “Come on. Let’s get some food in you. It might help your head.”
I thought about leaving, but I was hungry and they did go through all the trouble of cooking. And they’d moved the painting.
Plus, Cosette was right. Food usually helped with the headaches. “Okay.”
I followed Cosette’s lead and sat at the table. There were a few lit candles on the table and in the kitchen that I didn’t notice before they’d turned out the lights. It was just enough to see by, but not so much that it would bother my head.
Cosette had been with me, which meant that the guys had done that. I couldn’t believe how nice they were to go so far out of their way for a total stranger.
Dastien placed a tall glass filled with ice and a can of Diet Coke in front of me. “Thanks.”
“My pleasure.”
Chris handed out plates, and I took one from him.
Dastien sat next to me and started piling his plate full, full, full. And then he grabbed a side plate and started piling food on there, too. The man wasn’t joking. He ate a ton.
I put a much more modest amount on my plate—though it was still more than I’d eaten in front of anyone in more than a year—and for the first time tonight, I let myself look beyond Dastien’s face.
He was wearing a shirt that had printing on it, and now that I was starting to get used to how pretty he was, I could focus on the letters and actually read them. Above & Beyond was in thick, white block font. “You like Above & Beyond?”
His hand froze as he reached for another hunk of meat, and I could almost hear him arguing with himself on how to answer. He forked the meat onto his plate and turned to me. “They’re my favorite.”
“Really?” I didn’t know why that surprised me, but it did. No one I knew would even know who they were, much less own a shirt with their name on it.
“Yes.”
As I watched him, I listened to the music playing. I’d been so distracted by making new friends that I’d noticed there was music on but hadn’t really heard it. “Is this Group Therapy?”
“Yes.” He sat straighter and his gaze finally met mine. His rich brown eyes showed surprise.
I listened for a second and heard the mix move into the next song. “Oh! Episode 361, right? I’m addicted to this episode.”
“Me, too.” Two dimples winked at me as he smiled, and I swore my heart fluttered.
Why did a guy that looked like him have to have dimples? It was massive overkill.
“I take it you like them?” Cosette asked.
“I’ve never seen them in person, but I hope that I will one day.” I took a bite of brisket and moaned. “This is so good.”
Dastien forked more onto my plate, and I couldn’t help but laugh. “I can’t eat all that.”
“I double-dog dare you.”
This guy. He was too much. I took another bite.
“You know they’re playing tomorrow.”
My smile fell. “Above & Beyond? They are?” How did I not know this?
Dastien nodded. “Yep. At a club in Hollywood. Want to go with me?”
Yes. Oh my God, yes, I wanted to go.
I couldn’t believe it. That they were playing here and I had no idea, and that I suddenly had a friend who loved them and invited me to go. It was almost unbelievable. A coincidence of epic proportions.
My doctor said that I needed to take coincidences as just things lining up correctly, but this was crazy how everything seemed to be so easy with Dastien. Things like that just didn’t happen to me.
New friends. New adventures. That’s what I’d wanted, and apparently, that’s what I was going to get. “Really? You don’t mind me going with—”
“I wouldn’t offer it if I didn’t want you to go.” He motioned to Chris and Cosette. “That’s why they’re in town.”
Chris coughed, and there was a thunk from under the table.
Chris tapped his chest. “Sorry. My drink went down the wrong way, but yep. That’s why we’re here.”
That was the most unconvincing lie I’d ever heard. I didn’t know Chris, but I knew that much. “You’re messing with me. Right?”
“No.” Dastien smiled, and I forgot all about Chris’s awkwardness. “And I have another ticket, but our other friend couldn’t make it. So, I have an extra.”
I looked between the three of them, trying to figure out what was the truth. Dastien didn’t sound like he was lying at all, but it seemed to take Chris by surprise. I didn’t quite trust it, but then Dastien caught my eye.
It wasn’t just his looks that had me hooked, although that was a no-brainer. Something about him seemed safe and comforting when I had absolutely no reason to feel that way toward him. At least not yet. My attraction to him should make me feel anything but safe, and he was little more than a stranger.
But when I looked at him, it felt like something inside me just unlocked. He felt familiar in the most unusual way. I had such a hard time making friends, and yet this was coming so easy.
Maybe it was just who he was—nice, understanding, kind, generous. I mean, he heard my stomach growl and made me this feast. Who did that for a stranger? And now we liked the same music, and he magically had a spare ticket to my favorite DJ-production group?
Life didn’t work out this way for me. It wasn’t ever easy. Good things didn’t just happen out of nowhere. At least not in the last twenty-one months I could remember.
I had a really tough time making friends. For some reason, everyone in my classes ignored me. Anytime I asked someone to study or grab a coffee, they no-showed.
Georgine was the only person who ever showed up, and that was only because she had some sort of obligation to my mother. We had nothing in common except our classes. And she absolutely despised dance music. She’d never go with me to something like a club. She’d be horrified that I would think of going to something so crowded and loud.
But I wanted to go to the club. And not just because it was Above & Beyond. I wanted to go with Dastien. “Are you sure you guys don’t mind me tagging along?”
“Don’t make the guy beg for—” Chris started to say, but there was another thunk under the table.
I looked at Cosette, but she just grinned as she stabbed a noodle off her plate.
Something was going on, but it felt like I was missing everything. “What’s the deal?”
“You should try the mac and cheese. It’s delicious. Dastien made it with four kinds of cheese.”
“That was a really abrupt subject change.” I usually wasn’t one to call someone on it, but I was feeling particularly comfortable. Maybe it was the flip-flops and T-shirt. Maybe it was the music. Or maybe it was that I really liked these people. All three of them.
Cosette put down her fork and leaned a little on the table. “Can I be honest with you?”
“Please.” I hated lies.
“The guy at the end of the table—” She nodded her head toward Dastien. “—has his eye on you.”
She couldn’t be serious.
But she seemed serious.
No guy had ever shown any interest in me. Why would he?
“He’s a really nice guy. Hang out with us as much as you want. We’d love it.” She reached between the plates of food to grab my hand. “I swear, everything is great.”
There was something calming about the way she said it, and her hand felt so warm. The kind of warmth that spread through my body, through my soul, until I felt settled. Relaxed. At home.
“Okay.” I heard the word come out before I could think it through, and for once in my life, I didn’t want to think it through.
Instead, I pulled my hand away from Cosette and took a bite of the mac and cheese.
Cosette wasn’t lying. It was incredible. Chris asked Cosette about her favorite place to eat in LA, and then everyone seemed to settle into conversation. I was glad that I could contribute a little. I’d gotten really familiar with all the restaurants around town. I’d learned to cook pretty well, but sometimes it was a pain to cook and clean up. So, I ordered in a few times a week. Almost everywhere in the city did amazing takeout.
The whole time we sat there, Dastien kept adding other things to my plate and telling me to try it.
At first, I turned it down, but then he added something to Chris’s plate, and then Chris put something on Cosette’s plate to try. It all just seemed like something they did, so I shrugged it off. As long as they were eating, then it was okay for me to keep eating.
So that’s what I did. I kept eating.
And eating.
And eating.
I wasn’t sure where it was all going—because there had to be nowhere else for the food to go—but I was still hungry.
Eventually, Cosette stopped eating, but the guys kept tucking into their food. Cosette wasn’t giving me any dirty looks. Nothing even close to what I would’ve gotten from Georgine. So I kept going.
And going.
And going.
And then, suddenly, for the first time that I could remember, I was full.
I was actually full.
I put down my fork. The constant gnawing feeling in my stomach was just gone. Totally gone. And I didn’t feel so weak.
I didn’t feel weak at all. I felt strong.
“Are you okay?” Dastien asked.
“I’m actually great.”
“You are?”
“Yeah.” I looked around the table, and for a second, I thought I should keep my mouth shut. And then I realized that was no way to live. Second-guessing my words wasn’t getting me anywhere. I should just talk. “It’s been really weird for me for a long time. I haven’t felt right since my accident. But tonight, I feel okay. I might even feel good, and it makes me think that everything might be okay.” I laughed to cover my embarrassment. “Which is stupid because I don’t know you and—”
“It’s not stupid.” Cosette reached her hand to me again, and I took it.
The warmth in her hand felt like magic that fueled me with a bit of her strength.
She smiled at me. “It’s not stupid at all.”
Chris looked at Cosette for a second and then turned to me. “We were going to hate-watch some B-movies. Want to hang?”
“Yes, please stay,” Cosette said, and then she squeezed my hand. “Stay with us.”
I felt myself say yes before I could think about it.
“Good.” Cosette let go of my hand and leaned into Chris’s side. “There will be popcorn. Plus, there’s dessert. We haven’t even touched the coconut chocolate chip ice cream yet. I’ve never had any, but a very good friend of mine told me it was the best. She’s got excellent taste.”
“I’ve never had it before, either. It sounds amazing. But…” I glanced at Dastien. I’d been avoiding his gaze while I was eating because I just didn’t understand why someone like him would be interested in me. I didn’t have a lot to offer. There was just so much I didn’t understand about myself, and getting involved with someone before I figured everything out seemed pointless.
But I felt stuck and bored with my life right now. So much of it just didn’t seem to feel right, and something about being around them—these three friends who clearly knew each other really well—made me feel that a little more intensely.
I wanted what they had. I wanted the comfort that they had around each other, and how thoughtfully they treated each other, the way they joked and teased. It was all…so great.
Plus, coconut chocolate chip ice cream? I’d never heard of such a thing, but it sounded amazing and right up my alley. “How could I turn down ice cream? But I’m only staying if I can help with the dishes.”
“I’ll take the help,” Dastien said a little too quickly.
He started gathering up the dishes, but his gaze kept darting to me. He had a small, tentative smile on his face, one that made his dimples show just a little bit. The guy should’ve seemed nothing short of confident, but something about him seemed a little broken. It was both endearing and sad.
I wasn’t sure why I thought that. Maybe it was the way that Chris and Cosette seemed to always try to encourage him. Or maybe it was the way that they kept staring at him—watching him—as if they were expecting something from him. I wasn’t sure what they were worried about, but I was convinced that they were protecting him. Something or someone had hurt him.
When he came back for another round of plates, I stood up. “Okay.” I walked into the kitchen and turned on the faucet. “Let’s do this.”
Chris and Cosette carried dishes into the kitchen until the counters were full, before moving into the living room. They immediately started arguing over what movie to watch. It was nice hearing the total nonfight. Even when they were clearly at odds over what to pick, they teased each other and laughed, and it felt like they were pretending to fight more than actually arguing.
Dastien handed me the first plate to rinse. “So, what are you studying?”
With the dishes between us, it seemed easier to talk to him. “Psychology.”
He took the plate from me and gave me another. “Why?” He asked as he put the dish in the dishwasher.
“If you think that it’s because of my accident, you’d be wrong. I was already a year into my degree when that happened. I just find it fascinating to understand how the mind works.” I handed him the dish, but he was just standing there, watching me. “And once I’m done, I’ll be able to help people. Which also seems good. I want to be useful.”
He took the dish, but stood still, staring at me. “You don’t feel useful right now?”
Why did I tell him that?
And then it hit me. I knew why I had the headache earlier and why I was spilling my guts now to these people.
I’d forgotten to take my meds today.
And I was sure they didn’t give me any while I was in the hospital. It wasn’t like they could just order them up. That meant I was at least five doses behind today. Add in six from yesterday, and one from the night before…
I never ever got that behind, but with the hospital stay—and then rushing out to take my test—apparently, I’d forgotten.
Mother was going to be so pissed. There was no way I was going to tell her. There was nothing left to do but catch up. I’d take my next dose as soon as I got back to my apartment.
“Why don’t you feel useful?” he asked me again.
“Oh, I mostly feel like a waste of space, and Mother hates that I’m going to school.” I tried to say the words like they didn’t matter, like I didn’t care. But that was a lie. I totally cared. “She thinks I should be in a mental institution.”
God. I shouldn’t have said that either. What was wrong with me tonight?
The plate in Dastien’s hands slipped from his fingers and broke into a million pieces when it hit the floor.
“It’s okay.” Breaking a plate wasn’t that big of a deal. “I can clean that up.” And it would give me a break from giving him way too much information about myself.
I turned off the water, dropped into a squat, and started picking up all the big pieces first.
Dastien let out a long breath and then lowered next to me. “Why would she want you in an institution?”
I really shouldn’t have brought that up. I wouldn’t normally, but I was off my meds and something about Dastien was soothing. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was so big and quiet, or if it was the way he watched me, or something else, but I felt like I could tell him anything. But I shouldn’t. I knew I shouldn’t, especially when I didn’t want him to think I was crazy.
“It’s not what you think—it’s not an institution like you’d see on TV that are like jails and gross and dirty. I wouldn’t have to wear pajamas all day or get herded to and from my room. No orderlies are running around there, tackling patients in the halls and stabbing them with needles.”
He huffed a laugh. “That’s not so bad then.”
“It’s really not.” I glanced up at him for a second, but I couldn’t hold his gaze. Something about the way he was staring at me was too much. Too intense. Too raw.
I cleared my throat and went back to picking up the last of the larger pieces. “It’s really this gorgeous mansion in the country. There are all kinds of classes—yoga, art, literature. They don’t allow a lot of patients in, and all of them are high functioning, like me. It’s almost like a luxury retreat, but with on-site support.”
I dumped the pieces into the trash and grabbed a piece of paper towel to gather up the smaller bits of the plate. “I was being overly dramatic. Since my accident, Mother doesn’t want to worry about me. It would be easier for everyone—mostly her—if I would just agree to live in a home. That way, she could keep constant tabs on me.”
“So, a little like a jail.”
I laughed. “I guess.” I threw the smaller bits into the trash and got back to rinsing the dishes. “I lost it a while ago, and I ran away. I had this obsessive urge to climb a mountain. Like I needed to get there or someone would die. It was stupid, but I just get the feeling sometimes that I’m living a lie. Sometimes that feeling overwhelms me. When Mother found me, it wasn’t pretty. Ever since then, she’s really wanted me in the institution, but the doctors adjusted my meds, and I’m feeling better now.”
“Meds?” His hands were clenched in tight fists. He probably thought I was going to freak out on him.
Oh man. If there was a chance that he liked me, it was probably long gone now. Telling him my mother wanted me institutionalized and that I was on meds was a massive error.
I rinsed another dish and held it out for him. He grabbed the plate, and I reached for the next. “My meds are holistic. They’re not prescriptions you can fill at any pharmacy. They’re all herbal made specifically for me by my doctor.”
“Herbal? Made for you?” There was a snap, and I looked up at him.
He was holding a dish in his hands, but it had snapped in two.
His jaw was clenched and twitching, and he was gripping the two pieces of the plate so tight that his hands were shaking. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought he was angry about something.
I took the plate from him and threw it into the trash. “Wow. You have some grip.” I was trying to lighten the mood, but it didn’t work. At all.
He was standing there huffing and puffing as he breathed, and his eyes were squeezed tight.
Something was wrong with him. “Are you okay?”
“Tu lui fais peur, mec,” Chris said in flawless French. You’re scaring her.
Chris thought I was scared?
I spun to look at him over the kitchen’s bar. “Je vais bien. Mais est-ce qu’il va bien?”
“Tu parles francais?” Dastien asked, drawing my attention back to him.
“Oui.” I touched his face. “Are you okay?”
“Sorry.” He turned away from me, going to get the last of the dishes. “When did you learn French?” he asked from the dining room.
I sighed, not understanding what was going on, but I guessed he was okay. I didn’t really need to understand him or what had just happened, but I wanted to.
Chris came to stand in the kitchen. “I’m curious about that, too. Your accent is really good.”
“Oh, umm…” The dishwasher was nearly full, so I poured dishwashing liquid into the sink and started washing the larger platters and dishes that were piled up. “I had a lot of free time when I was in the hospital after the accident, and I ended up watching some foreign films. Some of them were in French. Those were my favorites.” I piled the dishes on the drying rack as I went. “But really only because of the language. I didn’t understand a word of it, but I found myself playing them at night so that I could go to sleep. Something about the sound of it felt like home. It was comforting, and I really needed that.”
“That makes sense.” Cosette came to stand with Chris. “French is such a lovely language.”
“Yeah. It is.” I kept washing to keep busy, but my nerves were creeping in. I hoped I hadn’t upset Dastien somehow.
“Anyway, one day I was really bored, and I decided why not learn it. I got a computer program that teaches you in, like, four weeks, and it came with a link to do video chats with native speakers so that I could work on my accent.”
Dastien came back into the kitchen. His usually tanned skin looked a little pale.
“Are you okay?”
He nodded.
“Was my accent okay?”
“Oui. Parfait.”
If it was perfect, then why was he upset? “Did I say something wrong? I feel like I did something, but I don’t—”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He brushed his fingertips down my cheek. “Everything is okay. I was just surprised that you knew French, but you spoke beautifully.” He pressed his lips together. It wasn’t a smile, but it still showed a hint of the dimples that I was growing to love.
I smiled, hoping to ease some of the tension. “That’s a relief. I haven’t had anyone to talk to in a while. The subscription ran out, and it seemed silly to renew once I was back in class. I didn’t really have time for it. I was sad that I might forget it, but…”
“I’d be happy to talk to you in French anytime you want.” He tucked a little bit of my hair behind my ear.
“Really? You wouldn’t mind?”
“It would be a treat.”
He moved past me and popped a tablet into the dishwasher. I watched him turn the machine on while I dried my hands, wondering if I should just go ahead and leave. Even if he said I hadn’t done anything wrong, I got the feeling that something was upsetting him.
Plus, I needed my meds before I started acting crazy. “I know I said I’d stay, but I probably should—”
Cosette stepped forward, hooking her arm in mine. The warm feeling slipped over me again, and I let her pull me into the living room.
“Cleanup is done, and that means we get final say on the movie while the boys bring us dessert,” she said. “Chris and I already narrowed it down to five.”
I tried to say no, but Cosette pushed me toward a seat on the couch, and they started debating over the movie before finally turning one on. It seemed awkward to leave now, so I stayed.
I didn’t really care what we watched. I was just glad to be included, and they didn’t make a big thing about me being new. It was almost like hanging out with old friends. It was like I knew them from somewhere. Some other life.
My headache started to come back, and I thought about leaving. But Dastien came over with a warm brownie and some ice cream on top, and I couldn’t leave. Not yet.
I took a bite and moaned. “Oh my God. This is the best ice cream in the world. How did I live before now?” I kicked off my flip-flops, tucked my feet under me, and settled back against the cushions.
Dastien sat next to me. “I’ll just have to make sure I keep it stocked so you keep coming over.” He tapped his spoon to mine. “Cheers.”
A surprised laugh bubbled up, out, and free before I could stop it.
I knew I needed to get back to my apartment. I had to take my meds on a schedule, or I’d start to go a little insane with this need to run away again, but I couldn’t make myself move. Cosette was sitting across Chris’s lap in a love seat, laughing at the movie.
The couch was so comfortable that it was almost like lying on a cloud. I stretched out, resting my feet on the pouf, and I realized that this might be a dream. Everything was exactly how I always wanted it, and I had friends and this guy who seemed interested in me.
Dastien was sitting close, not close enough to touch, but close enough for me to feel the warmth from his body. We were already a third of the way through the movie, and I didn’t want tonight to end. Cosette said something to Dastien, but I wasn’t paying attention. My stomach was full for the first time in a long time, and I felt safe, comfortable, happy.
When my eyes got heavy, I tried to fight it, but then a soft blanket covered me and I couldn’t anymore.
I drifted off to Dastien’s soft voice talking to Chris in French. I couldn’t understand the words. Sleep was just too close for that. But the sound, the cadence, the texture of his voice had this soft growl-like timbre to it that soothed me in just the right way.
And just as I was about to tip over into sleep, I felt lips brush against my forehead. I smelled pine and earth and home.
“Je t’aime, chérie.”
“I missed you so much, Dastien.” The words were out, and I couldn’t think too hard about what they meant. But this was such a nice dream. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning and be in a hospital again.
I hoped this wasn’t another one of my delusions.
“Don’t let them take me again. I’m too tired to fight anymore.” My voice was heavy with sleep, and I couldn’t make my eyes open even if I wanted to. “I’m just so, so tired. I don’t have anything left.”
“Sleep now. I’m here, and no one will take you from me again.” The way he said it, without a hint of question or doubt, had me relaxing the last little bit.
And with that, I fell into the first deep, dreamless sleep that I’d had in months.