Chapter 18
“Yes, Tony, Greg has been tripping since Toy’s first day of school. I’ve always suspected he was a little jealous of our friendship and the way we parent our daughter together, but ever since that day, he has been on a verbal tirade about us having our own child. Every other sentence from his lips is about how soon we can get pregnant. I’m not against having a baby with my husband, but I want to finish medical school first. I think if you and I are not in each other’s presence as much, at least for a little while, he’ll calm down.”
When Antonyo had picked up LaToya today from Greg and Clarke’s house, Greg was downright rude. Normally, Antonyo would go into the house and sit or help prepare his child to leave. Today, however, Greg took a very long time to open the door. Then he closed the door before Antonyo could enter the house, stating he would get the baby ready and bring her out, leaving him standing on the front porch, looking like a confused idiot. He called Clarke for an explanation the moment he stepped through his door.
“Clarke, I’ve never had a problem with Greg. I can appreciate how he cares for my daughter, but if he starts drama with me about Toy, it is not going to go well for him.” Antonyo had become loud when stating his last sentence.
“Tony, please calm down. I don’t need you going off the deep end on me too. I will work this out with my husband. Nothing will change between you and your baby girl. I promise.”
“Fix it, Clarke. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”
Clarke had always felt so blessed to have a relationship with both her husband and the father of her child that worked so well. Now things were starting to fall apart for no apparent reason. “Uggghhh!” Clarke thought aloud. Why did life always have to have complications? The moment the thought crossed her brain, a scripture from Bible study immediately followed the reflection: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33.
Clarke found so much assurance in having God talk to her when she felt distressed. She praised Him for loving her as He did, and she thanked Him. She was thankful to Ms. Trina for taking her to church and Bible study. She knew things would work out beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Thursday had finally arrived. Antonyo sat in the room at the church with about thirteen or fourteen other young adults, anxiously awaiting Keisha’s appearance. He’d gotten there about fifteen minutes early, which was about thirteen minutes ago. Two minutes more and his spiritual beauty would walk through the door.
Right on the money, Keisha arrived. She floated in to the room with her Bible in one hand and a thickly padded green folder in the other. “Hello, everyone. It’s a blessing to see so many of God’s children in the house this evening. I want to thank you for taking time from your busy schedules to spend it with me. I have some light refreshments for you, but I couldn’t carry them by myself. Antonyo, would you and Malcolm be so kind as to follow me so we can bring in the snacks?”
Antonyo considered telling Keisha that only his mother called him by his given name, but decided he liked the way it sounded coming from her lips.
They dutifully followed as requested, both men attracted to the beautiful minister. Antonyo could feel the others man’s attraction for “his” woman, and found himself none too happy about the obvious. He wondered if he were as transparent to Malcolm, and if perhaps the other gentleman too carried an envious grudge. No matter. Antonyo had never lost a woman to another man at any other time. He definitely did not plan on this being his first concession to defeat.
Keisha led the men down a lengthy hallway. During their walk, Malcolm engaged the youth minister in meaningless banter, while Antonyo multitasked. He listened to the amateur’s weak rap and checked out Keisha’s beautifully toned body as she sauntered down the hallway.
Keisha returned Malcolm’s conversation, and had the dirty nerve to sound as if she were truly interested in what he was saying. This woman was some kind of special, the kind of special that would make a player burn his card if given the opportunity. He would love to share his daughter with Keisha, to have LaToya in the presence of a woman this dynamic. Clarke was a great role model and mother, but Keisha gave special meaning to the words phenomenal woman.
After gathering the snacks and carrying them back to the meeting room, Keisha allowed everyone to partake in the refreshments and then began her discussion while they all snacked and drank.
Keisha hopped up on the countertop and sat down. “Again, I want to thank you all for coming out this evening. I’m sure there are many ways you would have preferred spending your time this Thursday evening. For the married folks in the room, perhaps a romantic evening with the spouse would have been more intriguing. For you single people, such as myself, maybe a date with the significant other, hanging with your boys or your girls, or just a relaxing evening at home would have sufficed. But, yet in still, you came out to lend your ears and voice to little ole me. I appreciate it. Really I do.”
Luckily, Antonyo planned on having both: a late-night rendezvous with a not-so-significant other, and the pleasure of spending time with the beautiful minister.
“I’ve asked you all here tonight to conduct a focus group, if you will. I kind of want to pick your brains a bit about your view on your personal relationship with God. In this folder, I have a brief questionnaire that I put together, which asks some pretty detailed questions. There are no correct answers. I simply want you to share with me, and later with each other, your feelings about the questions I ask. I would like you each to take about twenty minutes to complete the questions, and then we will have some dialogue about your answers.
“I, too, will answer the questions. That way, I can share with you instead of just being the facilitator of our session here. So, why don’t we go ahead and get started with the mundane so we can move ahead to the good stuff.”
The group of twelve began their written task, all studiously examining their questions, then giving thought-provoking answers; all except Antonyo. He studied the questions, but had no substantial answers to give.
Question 1: How old were you when you initially believed there was a God?
Question 2: Do you remember what triggered your recognition of our Heavenly Father?
Question 3: Do you understand the true concept of the Kingdom of God?
Question 4: What do you think about the Ten Commandments?
Question 5: Where does Jesus fit into your life?
Antonyo was at a complete loss as to how to answer these questions. These were not issues he pondered during his free time. These were not issues he pondered ever. All Antonyo believed for sure was that God was real. He believed that because intellect told him that someone had to create humanity and all its complexities. His thought process didn’t go too far beyond that.
Before he realized it, Keisha asked everyone to put down their pencils. Antonyo had not put one letter of the alphabet on his paper. He had never felt so confused in his life. His mother spoke about God as if He were a personal, tangible friend. Clarke talked as if she and God had conversations over tea. Even though he and Minister Keisha had only limited contact with one another, it seemed to Antonyo as if she carried Him with her everywhere she went. Every time he was near Keisha, he felt that she believed God was right there too. Antonyo only knew God existed. He didn’t really talk to Him. He didn’t eat with Him. He definitely didn’t think about Him when he was with his women. He simply knew He existed.
“Okay, good people, let’s take some time and discuss our responses, please. We will go over them in order one at a time. Who wants to answer question number one?”
The young adults all looked at one another, each hoping one of the others would speak up so he or she wouldn’t have to. Antonyo was surprised to find the apprehension amongst the other people in the room. He was certain he was the only one who had a problem relating to the questions. Minister Keisha also noticed the uneasiness.
“Why don’t I start? Feel free to chime in as you began to relate to my experiences.” Keisha had come down from her post on the counter and now walked around the room as she spoke. “Question number one: How old were you when you realized there was a God? For me, the answer would be at age eight. At that time, my great-grandmother died. She and I were not very close, but my mother loved her dearly. I had only met her on a couple of occasions because she lived down in Alabama. I watched my mother’s sadness over the loss of her grandmother. I felt her sadness inside of me because I loved my mother so much. Then I heard my mother’s mother, my grandmother, tell my mother that her grandmother was now with God. At eight years old, I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but my heart was touched by the confidence that my grandmother had when she spoke to my mother about her own mother’s death. My grandmother, while sad, was . . . comfortable, shall we say, with her mother dying, because somebody named God now had her. And I remember it like it was yesterday, thinking, ‘Wow! I want to know this God.’ ”
Antonyo listened to Keisha’s impassioned speech, wondering if perhaps it took the death of a loved one to bring a person closer to God. He had never lost anyone close to him to death. His own grandmother died when he was three, so he really didn’t know her. The rest of his family was still alive and kicking, including deadbeat Sheldon.
Around Antonyo, others had opened up and added to the conversation. Some gave very definite answers to question number one. This also led into question number two. Most people seemed to express feelings kind of like his own uncertainty.
As the dialogue pressed forward and the other questions were being discussed, Antonyo listened intently. While he found most of his peers in the room shared in his confusion, it made him no more comfortable. He was used to being the man in the classroom, in business meetings, with the ladies, everywhere. He usually commanded any environment he was a part of. And if he had anything to do with it, this would be no different in the near future. His perplexity only served to make him determined to learn more about the role God currently played in his life.
In an effort to redeem himself even tonight, he decided to try his hand at giving his thoughts on question number three. The Kingdom of God seemed easy enough to handle.
Keisha resumed her speaking to her group. “Let’s not spend too much time on any one question. We have to be out of here in by eight-thirty. Who wants to try number three? What do you know about the Kingdom of God?”
“The Kingdom of God is heaven, right?” Antonyo answered with a confident outward bravado. In truth, he was somewhat nervous about his response. The murmurs from several of the other members of the group signaled agreement with his answer. His certainty level rose with the reactions.
“That is the normal answer to that question.” Keisha smiled. Antonyo smiled also. “But it’s not quite right.” Antonyo’s smile disappeared as quickly as doughnuts at a fat camp.
“I know I said there were no right or wrong answers. These questions are supposed to be based on your perceptions and experiences. So, Antonyo, I suppose that answer is based on your perspective. Would you like to elaborate?”
Antonyo prayed Keisha was not intentionally trying to put him on front street, trying to embarrass him. He looked into her eyes, a pair of the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen, and knew she would never deliberately try to hurt him. “I would like to elaborate, but I’m not sure what to say. I thought I knew what I was talking about when I said God’s Kingdom implied heaven. I don’t know how old I was when I initially believed God existed. I don’t believe I’ve had a true recognition of God in my life; I’m not sure where Jesus fits, and the only commandment I know is thou shall not kill. Right now, Keisha, I only know two things for sure, but I’ll only share one of them with this class. The other I’ll share with only you at a later date.” The others in the class chuckled, thinking he purposely made a joke. Antonyo, however, spoke with complete seriousness. “I do know there is a God!”
Keisha, moved by Antonyo’s heartfelt declaration about his faith that God existed, wanted to hear more from the handsome, self-proclaimed playboy. “How can you be so sure that there is a God if you can’t speak of how you have experienced Him personally?”
“I can see God in my mother. I’ve watched how she has changed since she started going to church. She is happy now. She’s getting ready to get married. She is so much better as a result of her finding God.”
Keisha felt something inside of her soften toward Antonyo. The minister was not immune to noticing an attractive man when he crossed her path, even taking a second glance on occasion. Antonyo, however, suddenly posed a threat, exposing a palpable stirring she had not experienced in quite some time. Keisha shook off the tremors in order to regain control of her meeting, but it was too late. Antonyo had already taken notice.
He, too, shuddered a little at how real Keisha became at that moment, her authenticity bringing his attraction to her to its highest level ever. He was amazed at how his sincerity had won points with Keisha, while his practiced charm and suaveness had been his claim to fame with other women. What a woman.
Unbeknownst to either of them, because they were simply reacting to each other, most other females in the class had also been affected by Antonyo’s transparency.
“We are really running behind schedule, so let’s move on. Would anyone else like to comment on any of the questions?” Keisha asked.
“Minister Keisha, you never explained the true concept of the Kingdom of God,” one of the group members stated.
Keisha had totally forgotten about where the discussions left off after listening to Antonyo speak. Although a little embarrassed, she was thankful for the reminder. “Oh, yes. I apologize. When we speak about the Kingdom of God, we are actually talking about a body of believers in Jesus Christ. The Kingdom of God is the church; not the building, but us, those of us who believe, who serve Jesus and who witness about Him as we are all doing here tonight. The Kingdom is more a state of being than an actual place.
“The Book of Matthew in your Bible gives great insight to the true meaning of the Kingdom of God. I would like you all to take some time and read about it.”
Antonyo mentally thanked tonight’s lecturer for that bit of helpful information. He planned on getting his study on. He intended to never get caught totally unaware again on the subject of God.
“That’s pretty much all the time we have tonight. I don’t want the custodians upset with me for keeping them past their scheduled work time. I certainly appreciate all of you for coming and for your helpful insight. Please leave the questionnaire on the counter on your way out. It doesn’t matter how you answered the questions. I just want to get a sense of what you feel. I hope to see each of you in the young adult Bible study on Tuesday at six-thirty. Thank you again so much.”
The group members began filing out of the room. Antonyo stayed put, though, as if he were part of the fixtures in the room. He watched Keisha move about, gathering papers, putting desks back in place, restoring order. He got up and began to help just as the last person left.
“Antonyo, you don’t have to stay. Your participation was more than enough. It’s late. Go home.” Keisha valued his assistance, but his nearness caused the sensations from earlier to return. He was a temptation she undoubtedly needed to steer clear of.
“Now, what kind of man would I be if I left a lady to walk to her car alone in the darkness at this late hour? I’m going to wait for you.”
The finality of his reply both annoyed and intrigued Keisha. She wanted to be away from him for the sanctity of her libido, but she also enjoyed the authoritative way in which he announced his integrity. The two worked in companionable silence until Keisha turned off the light and they left the room together.
As they walked down the stairs, Antonyo asked, “How old are you, Keisha? Or is it inappropriate for me to address you by your first name? Do I have to say Minister Keisha?”
“You don’t have to be so formal when speaking to me. Keisha is fine. If anything is inappropriate, it’s that you asked my age.” Keisha smiled, letting him know she wasn’t really offended. “I’m twenty-seven, Antonyo.”
Only one year older than me, Antonyo thought. “Is the invitation to your Bible study class open to the public, or do I have to wait until next semester or something?”
“No. Bible study is an open class. You are welcome to come whenever you want to.” Keisha wished she felt as welcoming as she sounded. In truth, she was indeed skeptical about him being in her class. Antonyo did strange things to her thoughts.
“I’ll be there next week. Your meeting tonight provoked an interest in me. I didn’t like being so uninformed. Ignorance is not my strong suit.”
Keisha realized then that it was his pride that motivated his interest in Jesus, not a real desire to have a relationship with Him. Whatever the case, Keisha would accept his wish to be informed as simply the beginning. She recognized that it was merely her responsibility to catch the fish. It was God’s job to clean them. Right now, however, she could use some cleansing of her own thoughts. Antonyo was a powerfully potent man.
“I’ll be happy to have you. I hope you find what it is you’re looking for in class.” Keisha grasped the unintended invitation in her statement too late, and Antonyo bit right into the inadvertent bait.
“I’m sure I will. Is this your car?” He stopped walking as Keisha halted by the red old-school Camaro.
“Yes, sir, it is. Thank you for escorting me. I hope to see you in church on Sunday. If not, I’ll see you on Tuesday. Good night, Antonyo.” Keisha hastily stepped into her car after she unlocked the door.
“Good night, Minister Keisha.”
Jessica arrived at Antonyo’s right on schedule, just as always. She was one of the most punctual women he had ever dated. No matter how late or early they planned to get together, Jessica never showed late, nor did she ever cancel on him. It often made him wonder what her husband said about her impromptu departures. The other married woman that he dated, Claudia, went on and on about how her husband cheated on her with groupies and hoochies who were always hanging around the Pistons games and players. She complained about how her man never paid any attention to her or the twins. On and on. But not Jessica. She never vented about her marriage.
Antonyo escorted his beautiful companion into his house, greeting her with a very passionate kiss. Jessica was absolutely gorgeous: perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect teeth, perfect waistline, breasts, and backside. Simply perfect in every physical way possible. Jessica’s husband was a high school gym teacher, so Antonyo attributed her perfect body to what was probably her husband’s fitness regimen. He could not say for sure, however, because other than his name and occupation, Jessica never told Antonyo much else about Scott.
“So, how was your day, Tony?” Jessica asked as she sat down on the sofa in the living room. Immediately, Antonyo thought about Keisha and the vibes that had passed between them that evening. If Jessica knew how quickly that question made him think of another woman, he knew she would have chosen another one to ask.
“My day was interesting, to say the least. I attended a focus group for young adults this evening at my mother’s church. The moderator wanted to know how our age group felt about God and our relationship with Him.”
“I’m sure you were bored stiff there. Poor baby. Well, Mama’s here to completely take your mind off all that religious God mumbo jumbo.”
Jessica slid across the couch and began a very skilled performance of seduction. Antonyo, however, could not quite get into the dance. Jessica’s assessment of his feelings about the focus group captivated him. He wanted to know what provoked such thoughts with regard to how he would feel about God.
“Wait, Jess. Why would you think I would be bored by such a discussion? And why label God as religious mumbo jumbo? Don’t you believe in God?”
Okay, where did all of this come from? Jessica thought as she suddenly halted her foreplay. She stared at Antonyo as if he had two heads, and then blinked twice to be sure her focus was correct, that she indeed sat in the lap of Antonyo Simms. “Tony, you can’t possibly sit here and tell me you believe in God and Jesus and all those other religious hoaxes, do you?” Jessica chuckled at the humor those thoughts invoked in her.
Antonyo felt no comedic wit in her statements. He knew he was not a Bible-carrying, gospel-preaching, filled-with-the-Holy-Spirit believer. But neither was he a loud, rebellious agnostic either. “What have I ever said or done that gives you the impression that I don’t believe in God, Jessica?”
Jessica, again astonished by this conversation, slowly crawled from Antonyo’s lap. He seemed offended by her assumption, so she decided to tread lightly, hoping there would eventually be a punch line in this discussion. The truth of the matter was, what had he done or said to show he was a believer? That is not what she would say, however. She wanted to keep the peace between them, not get into a religious debate. She also wanted what she came over for: a never-disappointing roll in the hay with him.
“Tony, I certainly did not mean to upset you. I have actually never heard your views one way or the other about religion. It’s just that you have no problem having sex and being unmarried. Nor do you discriminate, because you have no problem sleeping with women who are married. I don’t know much about this God thing, but I’m pretty sure those two items are high on the no-no list of those who do follow religious practices. So, forgive me for being just a little confused here.”
Antonyo thought about Jessica’s rebuttal, acknowledging its weight, but only for a second. The fact that he was not perfect gave her no right to assume he did not believe in his Creator simply because she apparently did not. Not that he’d had this discussion with all of the women he slept with, but Antonyo did not realize he even knew anyone who did not believe in God.
“Jess, why don’t we change the subject? I guess it’s true what they say about religion and politics being subjects to stay away from.”
Jessica, being more than happy to oblige, quickly agreed. “I hear you. I mean, who knew this is where our conversations would ever end up going?” She smiled her perfect smile, and business as usual resumed for them.
After their romp, however, Antonyo felt compelled to know more about Jessica and her disbelief, so he underhandedly started the dialogue again. “Jessica, how long have you been married?”
Totally satisfied with what just happened between them, Jessica would have gratified him in any way he asked at the moment. So, she answered his question, though the subject of her marriage was normally off limits. “Four years.”
“Do you consider what we do cheating on your marriage, on your husband?”
“Under normal circumstances, I would say yes. But my circumstances are somewhat different.”
Okay, now he was confused. He wanted to know why someone who didn’t believe in God would partake in the institution of marriage, which God created. But her answer about her circumstances made him curious. His curiosity won out.
“What about your circumstances makes it okay to cheat on your husband?”
Jessica shifted her position on the bed in an effort to put a little distance between her and Antonyo. Having still been on a high from their lovemaking, she didn’t realize what she had let slip. She hung out with Antonyo to get away from her “circumstances” at home, in her marriage. She did not want to discuss them with him or anyone else. Not even her mother knew what she lived with every day.
Antonyo noticed the change in her demeanor. What could possibly be so wrong in her marriage that every time the subject came up she became really uncomfortable? “Talk to me, Jess. What’s going on at home? Is your husband cheating and his affair bothers you? Is he hurting you? Hitting you?”
Maybe if she told him the entire story she would feel better. Keeping it all to herself surely had not done anything to alleviate her stress. The only person who gave her peace, even temporarily, was Antonyo. Maybe he would understand her pain.
Jessica sat up in the bed, pulling the covers up to shield her nakedness. She stared straight ahead for several long seconds, leaving Antonyo wondering what could be so deep. He, too, sat up, making sure that their bodies did not touch. He wanted Jessica to feel at ease, without the normal sexual parameters of their association. He wanted to truly be a friend, a sounding board for her if she decided to open up to him.
Wow, where had those thoughts come from? He questioned himself. He never thought beyond the bedroom with any of the women he dated. Why, suddenly, had he cared enough to listen to the problems of one of them? Jessica started speaking, and he returned his full attention back to what she had to say.
“Antonyo, Scott and I have an unconventional marriage. It started out normal, at least for me, but about two years ago, things changed drastically.
“I met Scott when we were seniors in high school. I attended a party with my cousin in his neighborhood. That’s where we were first introduced. I almost fainted when my cousin’s girlfriend told me Scott wanted to meet me. He was so handsome and I was so flattered.”
Okay, this was going to be the long version, but it had to be good, so he listened without interruption.
“We started dating and became monogamous very quickly. We were inseparable. I only applied to Oakland University because that is where Scott wanted to go. It was my intention to go to UCLA or Arizona State University. I wanted to get away from the cold and the snow, you know? But once I met Scott, I never wanted to be away from him. I could deal with the harsh winters for the rest of my life as long as I had Scott to keep me warm.”
Long and sappy. Man, when is she going to get to the circumstances? Antonyo thought. He decided to intervene in an effort to speed the conversation along. “So, what happened to sour this great love the two of you had?”
“During our sophomore year in college, Scott started exhibiting some strange behavior. For the first two years, we were never apart. Then suddenly, every now and again, Scott would be missing in action. Of course, my initial thoughts were that he had started cheating on me. On a couple of occasions, he disappeared for a day, and when I asked him where he’d been, he said he was having some emotional issues and he needed some alone time to work through things.
“I wanted to believe he would not hurt me by betraying our relationship, so I asked about his issues and why he felt he could not share his pain with me. He simply stated that school was so very challenging, and the pressures to keep up were becoming too much to handle. He then admitted that he began smoking marijuana to relax and didn’t want me to see him while he used drugs.
“My cousin, Jordan, the one who introduced us, helped to convince me that Scott had told me the truth. He, too, confessed to smoking weed and stated he and Scott had been hanging out together on some of the times Scott had been away from me. Therefore, I was more than convinced that Scott had not been with another woman, because Jordan would have never stood for it.”
Immediately, pictures of a crack-addicted shell of a man appeared before Antonyo’s eyes. Is that what—or should he say who—Jessica ran from each time she ran to him? The sound of Jessica’s voice continuing her story brought him back from his musings.
“The disappearing acts continued throughout sophomore and junior year. The marijuana and relaxation getaways apparently worked for Scott, because his grades were exemplary. He made the dean’s list each semester.
“But still there remained an edge of uneasiness that surrounded Scott. On the first few days after he would return from one of his retreats, which occurred generally about once a month, he would be fine; then for several days after that, he would be sullen. I was confused, but in love. So I just went along with Scott’s program, hoping he would eventually get back to normal.
“By the time senior year rolled around, Scott had seemingly come back to himself. Jordan had graduated the previous semester with a degree in sociology and found a job teaching in Atlanta. He proposed to his fiancée. They were married a couple weeks after their graduation, and they moved away to begin their new life together. As far as I knew, Jordan had been Scott’s only retreat buddy. Once Jordan left, the retreats ended and I had my man back.”
Jessica stopped speaking for a moment. Antonyo could feel the heaviness the story created for her, and decided to help her take a break. “Hey, how about I get us something to drink and grab a little snack.” Before she could answer, he jumped up, put on his robe, and headed toward his kitchen.
When he returned, Jessica had put on her oversized blouse to cover her, but she didn’t look as if she was preparing to leave. She had gotten comfortable on his bed and awaited his return. He joined her on the bed, handing her a glass of fruit juice, and set a bowl with potato chips and a plate of chocolate chip cookies between them. Jessica sipped from her glass, nibbled at a cookie, and then continued her story.
“By the end of senior year, Scott and I had grown closer than ever. I loved him more than ever. I wanted to be with him forever. And he did not disappoint me. He asked me to marry him three weeks before our graduation ceremony. We celebrated our graduation by driving to Toledo to get married on the same day we received our degrees. It was perfect.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect. Whatever, Antonyo thought. Now get to the part that has you running to my bed on a regular basis. Tiring of the long-winded walk down memory lane, he resolved to again try to push this version along a little. “So, when exactly did things fall apart for you two?”
“Two years ago, Scott pulled another Houdini and disappeared on me again, this time for a full two days. I was worried sick, frantic even. At the forty-seventh hour, as I picked up the phone to call the police, Scott walked in the door, looking disheveled, but unharmed. I was both happy and angry at the same time. While I was glad he was alive, I wanted to kill him for not being hurt and worrying me so.
“When I got up from my seat on the sofa, where I practically lived during the hours of his disappearance, I didn’t know if I would slap him or hug him. As I approached him, still unsure of how I would put my hands on him, I was immediately attacked by the aroma of marijuana. The anger took over and I slapped him. Hard. Twice. I could not believe he had put me through the hell of the unknown so that he could go somewhere to get high.
“I sat down on the sofa, fearing the worst, knowing he was about to tell me he had been cheating on me when we were in college and that he had started his affair once again. I was not only prepared to hear that he had been dishonoring our marriage, but that he had been betraying me with a woman who used drugs. I sat on the couch, gripped its edge, and stilled myself for the fallout from his lips.”
Antonyo sat in eager anticipation of how Scott would explain this all to his wife as well. Jessica had taken all day to get to this point, but now she had prepared him for the climactic end with expectancy. There were a million questions running around in his head. Was this woman the same woman Scott cheated with in college? Were they still seeing each other? What arrangement had Jessica and Scott worked out so that they could still stay together? He waited for Jessica to finish her entire story, though, before he began his interrogation about the current state of her marriage.
“‘Well what is it, Scott? What do you have to say for yourself,’ I asked. No matter what I thought I was prepared for, nothing could have readied me for what he told me.” Jessica paused before repeating the words Scott had said to her.
“He said, ‘I was with Matthew. We went to his parents’ house up north. Jessica, Matthew and I were at the cabin as lovers this weekend.’”
“What!” Antonyo yelled in astonishment. “Your husband is gay?”
“Tony, I was just as amazed as you are, probably more so considering that I was married to him and deeply in love with him at the time of his declaration.”
“Man! This is deep, Jessica. How long has your husband been gay?”
“Get this. Remember I said that when Scott apologized, he stated that he had been deceiving me since we have known each other? When I was finally able to speak again, I asked him to explain his statement. He informed me that he and my cousin, Jordan, had been in an intimate relationship with each other for several years.”
Antonyo’s eyes grew to the size of saucers. Initially he was too astonished to even speak the words lodged in his throat. When he did finally find his voice, he asked, “But didn’t you say that your cousin is now married? What’s up with all the gay dudes suddenly deciding they want women? And don’t these guys act gay? I mean, how is it that you and your cousin’s wife couldn’t tell?”
Jessica sat on the bed shaking her head, her look clearly testifying to the fact that she saw no clues. “I searched my mind frantically on that day, trying to recall if there were any signs that I missed or ignored. There were none, Tony. None. I could have been blinded by love, I guess, but I saw nothing.”
Antonyo had very little interaction with gay people, but those he had been around were usually easy to spot. They behaved somewhat feminine, and were generally weird to him. How could Jessica and her cousin have been that blind?
“Does your cousin’s wife know the real deal?”
“According to Scott, Tamala, my cousin’s wife, is the one who pulled him out of the lifestyle. She supposedly met him, introduced him to Jesus or Christ or whatever, and eventually he decided he did not want to be a homosexual anymore. The two of them fell in love, and as they say, the rest is history.”
God? Did He actually change homosexuals to heterosexuals? While Antonyo sat silently musing, Jessica made her opinion on the subject plainly known.
“I think that’s all a bunch of bull, though. If there is a God, why would He change Jordan so that he could marry, and not change Scott? Does your God play favorites, Tony?”
Whoa! Where had that come from? Just a little while earlier she had accused him of being such a bad guy that he could not possibly believe in God. Now she wanted him to answer religious questions about God and her gay husband. Antonyo became a bit aggravated by the fact that he was not sure how to answer Jessica, because he wanted to be able to answer her. He hoped the Bible study classes he would attend with Minister Keisha would prepare him for moments like this. He gave it his best shot, though, using what he’d heard in church and what he’d heard his mother say over the years.
“Jessica, I don’t think God plays favorites. I’m nowhere near knowledgeable enough to explain why your cousin was changed and not your husband, but if I had to guess, I would say it’s because Jordan wanted to change after he found Jesus. Perhaps if Scott developed a relationship with God, he, too, might want to change.”
“According to Scott, he’s been gay his whole life. So, if that is the case, that means that your God made him gay since your God created him. Now, are you saying your God is expecting Scott to right the wrong He made initially?” The question was rhetorical, so she continued speaking without waiting for an answer. “Whatever! You and your God can kick rocks, Tony. There is supposedly this God who doesn’t like gay people, yet He creates gay people? Whatever!”
Antonyo felt even more foolish because he had no rebuttal for Jessica’s statements. In all honesty, what she said made absolute sense to him—everything, that is, except her disbelief in God. Despite what she said, Antonyo knew that God existed.
“Jess, I’m sorry you have been hurt by your husband. I’m even sorry that I have no answers to your questions about God. But I’m certain there is a God, and that’s all I can say about it. Now, let me ask you a question. Why are you still married to a man that obviously is not attracted to you anymore, if ever he was attracted to you?”
“What makes you so sure he is not attracted to me? Scott still loves me, for your information, and I still love him. It’s complicated, and that’s all I can say about it,” she said mockingly.
Oh, my goodness. Did this beautiful, intelligent chick think that a gay man could really be attracted to her? She sounded delusional to him. How could she still possibly love this dude knowing he enjoyed sleeping with men? Dang! Love must be blinder than he’d ever heard. Suddenly, a terrible thought occurred to him, causing him instant panic. He needed Jessica to answer a question quickly. No sarcasm allowed.
“Have you slept with your husband since you found out he was gay?” Antonyo asked.
“What goes on in my bedroom in my home with my husband is none of your business, Tony.” Jessica was clearly upset and defensive, but Antonyo couldn’t care less at this point. This chick was sadly mistaken if she thought her sexual history with a gay man was none of his business. She came to his home and climbed in his bed, husband or not, at least once a week. They were usually very careful, but passion had preceded precaution on a couple of occasions.
“I beg to differ, Jessica. The antics of your bedroom are very much my business, since you could be putting my life at risk.” Now Antonyo had developed a little attitude of his own.
“A little late to be concerned now, isn’t it, Mr. Self-righteous?”
Antonyo’s ire rose each time Jessica gave him a sarcastic or evasive response, especially those that made sense. Now, after having just had sex with her, was not the best time to inquire about her risk factors, but the fact remained that at this point, if she had continued to have sex with Scott, he, too, was at risk.
For the first time in his life, Antonyo felt the urge to strike a female. He removed himself from the bed to put some distance between them, but his anger did not subside one iota.
Just as he was about to begin yelling, Jessica, too, got up from the bed and began to get dressed while yelling. “Tony, I cannot believe I have told you any of this. This was personal. Private. Between my husband and me. Not that you have a right to know, but I’ll tell you anyway. No! I have not had sex with my husband in more than one year.
“Why do you think it was so easy for me to climb in bed with you? You are cute, but you’re shallow, Tony. You’re irresponsible. You are not the type of man I would normally choose to spend time with, but I needed the physical release you offered. I needed to feel relaxed and take off the edge that I have lived with for more than two years. You may think you are special, Tony. All the other women you screw around with may have you believing you are wonderful, but for me, you were nothing more than a sexual object.”
Jessica screamed and sobbed as she put on her clothing. Her frustrations screeched from her throat and poured from her eyes. Her anger did not truly lay with Antonyo. She simply hurled the insults at him because he was the one who had gotten her to talk about her pain, and he was the one who stood there while she openly dealt with it at this moment.
Antonyo’s anger lessened as he realized the horror Jessica suffered every day in her marriage. “I’m sorry, Jess. I didn’t mean to sound so selfish.”
Jessica did not bother to respond. She continued in her mission until she was fully dressed. She left Antonyo’s home without a backward glance in his direction.