Chapter Nine

A man could only be so patient.

Wade sat in the shadows of the porch, staring into the darkness. She wasn’t home and it was nearly midnight. She hadn’t been home all night. He knew because he had been sitting here waiting for her.

Nikki was out with him again. No big surprise. She had been out with Dale Stoner nearly every weekend for the past month.

He would give it an hour more, then he would go looking for her. And God help them both if they were at the mechanic’s house.

A tiny little voice in his head berated him while he sat brooding.

You’re being an idiot. She doesn’t want you. Haven’t you figured that by now? You need to get over it, go home, because when she sees you playing stalker on her porch she’s going to kick your ass.

Shut up, he thought, grinding the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. Just shut up.

“He can’t have her,” Wade said aloud.

But she wants him. Not you.

“Too damn bad,” he snarled, rising to his feet and pacing. He’d wear a damn hole in this wood if she wasn’t home soon.

Wade was right here waiting for her to settle down and let the past go, and she was running around with Gomer Pyle.

And God help Gomer if he tried to go inside with her.

God help them both if—

Down the hill gravel crunched. And he could see headlights. He retreated back to his shadowed corner, waiting.

 

 

Nikki sat quietly in the seat. Dale was acting…odd. Even for him. In fact, he had been acting different the past few nights they’d been out. And she couldn’t figure out what could be wrong. He didn’t seem mad, but he wasn’t exactly happy either.

Out of the silence he said, “I want to come inside. I need to talk to you.”

She turned her head but could hardly see anything in the darkness of the car. “Okay,” she said, her voice cautious. “Is something wrong, Dale? The book giving you trouble?”

Dale was a writer too. It was how they had met. He had actually just sold his first book—a fairytale, modern-day version of The Princess and the Frog. Not only had he written the story, but he had also illustrated it.

“No,” he said, his voice rough. “Not a damn thing wrong with the book. Unless you consider a hillbilly mechanic who fancied himself a storyteller a little strange.”

“You’re not a hillbilly, and there’s nothing wrong with being a mechanic. Hell, I was a high school kid who fancied herself a storyteller,” she said, her brows lowering over her eyes at the cynicism she heard in his voice.

“You’re different,” he murmured, a soft sigh escaping him.

“No, I’m not. I want to tell stories. You want to tell stories. We both do it… That’s what we are. No difference at all.”

The silence stretched out until Nikki just couldn’t take it any more. “Dale, something’s up,” she said flatly as he pulled into her drive. “Stop brooding and just spill it.”

Dale laughed, the sound totally without humor. “Yeah, there’s something up. But I really doubt you want me to spill it.”

As she waited for him to come around the car, she ran her tongue over her lips. Her gut was feeling tight and raw and it didn’t help any as she saw the look in his eyes as he helped from the car. Ever the gentleman, Dale was. But this time, after helping her alight from the car, he didn’t release her hand. In fact, he tugged her closer, grasped her chin and lifted her face. “Yeah, there’s something wrong,” he repeated. “This.”

And then he fit his mouth over hers while Nikki stood there motionless. Shocked. Stunned.

Oh, hell.

Gentle, strong hands cupped her chin and Dale rained loving kisses over her face while she stood passively, unsure of what to do. “I can’t keep doing this, Nicole.” He groaned, burying his face in her neck, his strong arms locked around her back. “I can’t. You’re all I’ve thought about for years and it’s killing me to be this close to you, knowing you don’t want me for anything more than a friend.”

Hard, hot hands trailed over her shoulders and arms, caressed her back as he whispered, “From the moment I saw you, I wanted you. Every moment since.”

Nikki had to strain to hear him as he whispered into her hair. As he sought her mouth again, hot little darts of pleasure raced through her. He was so warm, felt so good against her. And he was safe. Dale wouldn’t ever hurt her. She had felt enough love in her life to know what it was like to receive it and there was love and heat twined together in his embrace.

“Just give me half a chance, Nikki. I swear I’ll make you happy,” he promised.

It was tempting.

So tempting.

She was so lonely…

She couldn’t. Tempting or not, lonely or not, she couldn’t do it.

It wouldn’t be fair to him.

He deserved so much better than a woman with only half a heart.

“Dale, I can’t,” she whispered. “I just can’t. I’m sorry, but—”

“Nikki, please—”

Reaching between them, she rested her fingers against his mouth, shaking her head. “Dale, I can’t. I’m sorry. This wasn’t fair to you,” she said quietly, putting distance between them as they spoke. “And as much as I would like to, as flattering as it is, it’s no good. I’m not whole—I don't think I ever will be.”

If I had a choice in this, I would pick you. Staring at his almost poetically beautiful face, she shook her head and repeated once more, “I can’t. I can’t give you what you want, and if I can’t do that it’s not right to pretend otherwise. It’s not fair to you.”

“Maybe you should let me decide that. I want you,” Dale said, his voice whisper rough, his hands gentle and caring as he eased her back against him. “I’ll take whatever you can give me. I just want you.”

With a sad, faraway look in her eyes, Nikki smiled at him. “If I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s that we can’t always have what we want. I’m sorry, Dale.” She reached up, cupped his cheek in her hand. “If I could have chosen, Dale, I would have chosen you. You mean so much to me. You got me through some very rough times, and I’ll never forget that. But I can’t be what you want. Or what you think you want.”

“I know how I feel. I know what I want and don’t want.”

“Yes, I guess you do.” Rising on her toes, she pressed her lips to his jaw. Man, she felt like an utter bitch doing this to him. Why hadn’t she known? How could she have not seen this?

Because you never looked. You never thought to look. He’s always just been Dale.

“I’m sorry.”

Dale stroked her cheek, his own eyes sad and wistful. “So am I. Does he have any idea how big a fool he was to let you go?” he murmured, shaking his head.

 

 

Wade stood in the shadows, unable to breathe, unable to see, his anger was so great, so deep. He was touching her, kissing her, and she was letting him. His gut roiled and churned and blood pounded thickly in his head. Hands clenched and unclenched spasmodically.

Yeah, maybe he didn’t have any right, but logic didn’t exactly exist for him when Nikki was in the picture.

He had one hand on the railing, ready to leap, when Nikki pulled back, shaking her head.

What were they saying? They spoke too quietly for him to hear. Heads bent close together, the mechanic’s large hands holding her as if she were made of the finest porcelain. They spoke in low whispers, their voices too quiet to carry.

Nikki touched her hand to Stoner’s face and shook her head. She was telling him no, Wade realized as the other man pulled away, his hand lingering on her cheek for a moment before he got in his car and drove away.

Wade moved quietly until he was standing at the head of the steps, and waited for her to turn around. He didn’t know what he was going to say now, but only one thing mattered.

She had sent him away.

Moments passed, and still she stood there hugging herself tightly, shoulders slumped, head hanging low. A picture of total desolation.

“Have a good time?” he finally asked, keeping his voice flat, when Nikki continued to stare in the darkness. Only he could tell he was quivering inside with both rage and relief.

Nikki jumped, startled. Her hair swung around her face as she spun to face him, her eyes wide. Hands went up, clenched and ready, until she recognized the voice, the vague shadow standing there.

“Wade,” she gasped, her voice unsteady.

He continued to stare at her, at her slightly swollen soft mouth, at her sleepy eyes. Another man had touched her, had made her look lazy and satisfied. How many times had Gomer put that look on her face? How many nights had she spent in his arms while Wade suffered and sweated them out alone, aching and miserable?

“What are you doing here?” she asked, her arms falling to her sides, hands curled into loose fists. She might not look so ready to defend herself against an intruder, but she definitely looked ready for a fight.

Then again, he might have been deluding himself. When it came to him, she was more in the mood to either ignore him or just walk away.

Her eyes narrowed. “Are you going to answer me?”

He shrugged and said, “Waiting for you to come home.” He moved down the stairs and closer until he stood only two feet away. “Out awful late, aren’t you, Nik?”

“You know, I must have lost the memo about when my life suddenly became your business,” she said, her voice cool. “Now why don’t you get the hell off my property?”

“Why? Is lover boy heading back up here?”

“If he is, it’s no business of yours.” She shrugged.

“I see him here again, I’m gonna tear him apart,” Wade drawled, his voice friendly, his smile bright and vicious. “And then I’ll lock you up and throw away the key.”

Locating the keys, she snorted and moved around him. “Get over it, buddy. I’m not yours. That’s over with. In the past.”

“It’s our past, present and future, doll,” Wade promised, following her up the stairs. He trapped her by the door as she fumbled with the lock. “And I’ve learned from past mistakes so the future is bound to be better.”

“Wade, I don’t see how my future could possibly be worse than my past,” she said calmly, finally unlocking the double locks on her door. “However, I also don’t see how my future has anything to do with you.”

Temper suddenly gone, Wade lowered his head to nuzzle at her neck as she spoke. Gently, he nipped at her earlobe and smiled to himself when she shuddered.

“Everything you ever do in life is going to have something to do with me,” he said quietly, catching hold of the doorknob and holding it firmly shut. He lowered his head enough to speak quietly against her ear, not touching her, but standing close enough that the scent of her swam in his head.

“Just as everything I do will somehow include you. We’re part of each other, Nik. The same way my heart is a part of me, the way your brain is part of you. It’s been that way for years, even when we were miles apart and I was married to someone else.”

Nikki said nothing. She just stood there, her back to him, her head lowered. Gently, Wade made her turn, lifted her chin in his hand and stared into carefully blank eyes.

“I love you,” he whispered. “I never expected to see you again. But I’ve always known I’d go to my grave loving you. Can you tell me you don’t feel the same?”

 

To the grave… His words echoed over in her head. Hell yes, she’d die loving him. She had already been to the edge once though, because of his love. She wouldn’t ever let herself get that way again.

Nikki’s eyes slid shut and she turned her head, the smooth sweep of hair hiding her face from him. “What I feel for you is not what I felt eight years ago. Or even five years ago,” she murmured, her throat burning. Gathering her courage, she met his eyes and said, “Things change, Wade. Feelings can change. Especially when somebody rips your heart out of your chest and smashes it. It makes it much easier for feelings to change. Or disappear altogether.”

Damn you, Wade, she thought half-hysterically. Just leave. Now. Before I fall apart. Nikki knew damn well there was no way she was going to be able to keep her distance if he kept this up.

Cupping her cheek in his hand, he asked softly, “Do you really expect me to believe you feel nothing for me?”

“It really doesn’t matter what you believe, Wade. It only matters what I believe,” Nikki stated simply. She forced a sympathetic smile when sympathy for him was the last thing she felt.

“Poor Wade,” she clucked, shaking her head. “You lose a silly little girl who adored you and gained a wife who only wanted to own you. Once she had you, she probably didn’t even know what to do with you.”

Ducking out of his arms, she moved a few feet away, sliding him a sly glance from under her lashes. “How was your vapid little bride, Wade? Did she keep you happy?”

The porch light illuminated his face enough for Nikki to watch his jaw clench and his eyes narrow. But he continued to stand there like he had no intention of ever leaving. “Now the wife’s gone and you think you can get that silly girl back.” Nikki moved closer to him and gently patted his cheek like he was a five-year-old child.

“It’s a pity you just can’t accept the fact that silly girl doesn’t exist any more. Even more pitiful is the fact that I would have been anything you wanted me to be, given up anything, become anything,” she whispered passionately. “Life’s not very fair, is it?”

“Nice try, Nikki,” he said, his voice hollow. “I’m very impressed. You can be quite the bitch when you want.”

“I’ve developed a number of talents over the years,” she said calmly, even though her heart was pounding away.

“Obviously. You never used to lie so well.” He caught her chin in his hand and arched her face up to his, lowering his mouth until not even air separated her lips from his. And he hung there, waiting, for a long moment.

“Fortunately,” Wade whispered, his breath fanning across her face. “I don’t give up that easily. I’ll be around, Nikki.”

And then he was gone.

 

 

Long legs trailing out from under her SUV, Dylan cursed loud and long as he attempted to finish doing something or other with her oil. Nikki sprawled on the grass nearby, listening with amusement. For a guy who pretended not to understand simple English, he was very…fluent in certain aspects of the language.

After one particularly inventive phrase, Dylan muttered, “Eureka,” and emerged from beneath her car, liberally covered with grease and grime and God only knew what else. She would never understand the love-hate relationship both of her younger brothers—and so many other men—had with motor vehicles.

“I suppose you’re going to want to come in and clean up,” she said, arching a brow at him.

“Considering I saved you a trip into town and some money changing the oil and all the other crap you forget about, it’s the least you can do. And I wouldn’t mind supper.”

“Don’t you have a date or something going on? I thought you and um, Cyra, Catie… Which is it? Didn’t you have plans?” she said, shoving herself to her feet and stretching.

“Cairey. And we broke up.”

Cairey…right. Cairey. Studying him, she echoed, “Broke up?”

“Yeah.”

Waiting silently, Nikki stood there watching him.

With his back to her, Dylan finished gathering up his tools, his shoulders lifting and falling as he sighed. Finally, he looked over his shoulder at her and shrugged. “It wasn’t working out, Nik. That’s all.”

Nikki continued to stare at him, her head cocked. A lazy summer breeze drifted by, tugging at her hair as she rocked back on her heels, tucking her hand into her pockets. “It took you eight months to figure that out? You used to be a lot quicker than that.”

He sighed, wiping his forehead with his arm before aiming an aggravated glance in her direction. “She was messing around with some guy she met in Somerset. I didn’t know.”

“I’m sorry.”

Turning his head, Dylan gave her a small smile. “Why? You never liked her. Too shallow, I think you said. Among other things.”

“You did like her, or you wouldn’t have spent all that time with her,” Nikki said, shrugging her shoulders.

“I don’t know if I liked her or not. She was really just a way to pass the time. Just interested in having some fun. That was all I wanted. But I’d just as soon not have fun with her on Friday,” he finished cynically, his eyes cold, “and on Saturday, she has fun with some college kid in Somerset. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to be around much longer. She was pissed off I wasn’t changing my mind about the army. This was probably her attempt at payback.”

Nikki followed him into the house, wondering if she sounded as bitter and world-weary as he did. Probably worse.

Nearly an hour later, Dylan mentioned Wade’s name.

Nikki froze momentarily, then she went about adding milk to potatoes as she listened to him. She watched her hands, making sure they stayed steady. Dylan didn’t miss much these days.

“I saw him and his little girl in the store. Looks like he’s settled in, sis,” Dylan said, leaning back so that his chair was propped on the two rear legs.

“It would appear that way, especially since they’ve been here all summer,” Nikki said dryly. “Feeling guilty you didn’t throw him a housewarming?”

“Naw. But I thought you might be,” Dylan said, shrugging his shoulders. “Seeing as how you two were so close. Pretty little girl.”

“Yes. I know.” Without even closing her eyes Nikki could picture that little girl. So much like Jason. Her eyes started to sting with tears she quickly blinked away.

“Are you going to tell him?” Dylan asked, his voice close.

Nikki went still as he rested a hand on her shoulder. Her head fell forward and she sighed. “No. It doesn’t concern him.”

“He was Jason’s father. How can it not concern him?”

“Because he wasn’t there. He had his own little girl to raise. Jason was mine,” she whispered savagely. “Mine. He wasn’t there, Dylan. I had to do it alone. I am not going to share it with him now so he can try to put together the pieces when there’s really nothing left,” Nikki said, her voice harsh. She shrugged away his hand, moving aside.

“He ought to know.”

“No. I’m not going to dredge it back up merely to satisfy a father’s rights. It would hurt me too much and I’m just now healing,” Nikki snapped, her eyes flashing at her younger brother.

“You're not healing.” Point blank, simply stated. That was Dylan. That was so very Dylan.

She stared into his eyes, same shade, the same shape as her own. “I'm fine.”

“You're not fine.” He jerked a shoulder in a shrug. “And if it was me, I don't think I’d be fine either. I miss him, too, Nik. I don’t know how you handle it. But don’t look at me and tell me that you’re healing, that you’re just now starting to do it, and that’s the sole reason why you don’t tell that man he had a little boy. If you have other reasons, fine. But don’t lie to me.”

“Shit.” Averting her eyes, she wondered why she bothered. It wasn’t like it did any good. Lying to Dylan was like lying to herself. She could fool her father to some extent, and sometimes she could fool Shawn but she couldn’t fool this one. Taking a deep breath, she made herself meet Dylan’s gaze once more.

“If Jason had lived, maybe it would be different. I could handle it if Wade found out and wanted to be involved in his life. But Jason is gone. My memories—they are all I have of him. And I shouldn’t have to share those with somebody who didn’t even know he existed.” Then she squared her shoulders and added, “And it doesn’t concern you, so I suggest you stay out of it.”

Dylan held his hands up and backed away, silently saying it was her call but he didn’t agree with her.

He didn’t have to agree. He just had to keep his mouth shut.

 

 

Sweat poured down the back of her neck, over her shoulders, to pool into her bra as she pedaled the bike up and over the crest of the hill. As the road leveled out, Nikki wiped a gloved hand over her forehead and tried to steady her breathing. Sports bra, tank top and bike shorts were all soaked with sweat. The muscles in her legs were quivering so badly she could barely keep her feet on the pedals.

Three hours on twisting hilly roads did more to improve her state of mind than anything else could. It had the added benefit of making her so damn tired she’d probably collapse on her bed and sleep like the dead. After two sleepless nights and restless days, she would give almost anything for one peaceful night of rest.

She rounded the final curve and stifled a groan as the trees gave way to reveal her home and the shiny black Ford Ranger. So much for falling into bed right after a quick shower and meal.

Nikki gritted her teeth as she swung off the bike by the porch. She paused only long enough to make sure her shaky legs would hold her before she pushed the bike onto the wooden deck.

Wade and little Abby were perched on the porch swing, moving idly back and forth. She was suddenly the focus of two pairs of dark eyes, one shy, hesitant smile from the little girl and a bright, easy smile from Wade.

“I don’t recall inviting you up here, Wade,” she said coolly as she opened the front door. Cool air rushed out to meet her and she sighed in relief as she moved inside.

She didn’t see the look they exchanged behind her back.

“I didn’t know you still rode,” he said after catching up with her in the kitchen.

She’d taken a few seconds to tuck away the bottle of Lanoxin. It wasn’t likely he’d look at the bottle, but if he did he would know what it was for and that wasn’t a talk she wanted to have with him.

Ever.

After draining a glass of water, she turned her head and leveled out the hostility in her eyes before saying, “I was riding before I ever met you. I like it. I didn’t do it simply because you did.”

Then she forced a deep, calming breath into her lungs before giving Abby a tired smile. “How are you doing, Miss Abby?”

“Okay,” Abby whispered, looking all around. “You have a pretty house.”

“Thank you,” Nikki responded, her smile a bit more relaxed. It hurt so bad just to look at the child, but at the same time it somehow soothed her battered heart. “I like it myself. There’s a TV through there if you’d like to watch some cartoons. I know there’s SpongeBob somewhere. My brothers love SpongeBob.” She pointed in the direction of the living room, wishing she were callous enough to dislike the child simply because of who her mother was.

She knew it was terrible, but part of her wished she could dislike the girl. It would be one patently simple way of alienating Wade.

But Nikki couldn’t do that. Children were too precious—it was a lesson she knew all too well.

Moments later, the child safely stowed away in the living room, watching talking mice, Nikki returned to the kitchen.

She splashed cool water on her overheated face and dried it before turning her eyes to the man sitting negligently at her table. His legs sprawled out before him and he had a can of soda in one hand.

“Why don’t you make yourself at home?” she drawled, her voice sugar sweet. She soaked a rag with cool water and lifted it to her nape, swiping her neck and chest and arms with it, taking perverse pleasure as his eyes heated.

“Don’t mind if I do,” he returned, sipping at the drink and winking at her over the rim. His eyes, however, lacked the lighthearted tone that was in his words.

As she pressed the cloth to back of her neck, Nikki closed her eyes, trying hard to ignore him, but it was damn near impossible. She could feel his eyes on her as she swiped the cool rag over her hot flesh.

The pounding of her heart had nothing to do with him, she insisted. It was from the exercise, only the exercise.

“Need some help?” Wade offered, his voice going low and rough as her eyes opened and she studied him, her face flushed and damp, body gleaming slightly from her exertions.

Recognizing the look in his eyes, Nikki stopped playing with fire and threw the cloth into the sink. “What are you doing here, Wade?” she asked flatly, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning against the counter.

“I came to see you, of course.”

“Why?” she asked, her eyes narrowed. Hostility all but radiated from her.

“Must be the charming company. You being such a gracious hostess and all.” Her anger rolled off his back. He had been in high spirits for several weeks now. Nikki hadn’t been seen around town with Gomer Pyle since that last weekend.

Little rumors were floating around that Stoner was packing up and leaving town. A For Sale sign posted at the garage confirmed said rumors and Wade had grinned for an hour after he had seen it.

“You really can’t take a hint, can you?”

“You shouldn’t be surprised to see me here, Nikki. I told you I wasn’t giving up,” he reminded her.

“I didn’t say I was surprised. Disappointed is more like it.” Running a fingertip over the rim of her discarded glass, she studied him quietly from under the shield of her lashes. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

His cheeks flushed a dull red and he looked away, sighing. “I guess I deserve that.”

“And worse,” Nikki added quietly.

“You’re making this as hard as you can, aren’t you?” Wade demanded, resisting the urge to slam his own glass down on the table. Carefully, he sat it down and stood, his hands going into his back pockets. “Nik, I’m not going away. You might as well get used to that.”

“Oh, you’ll go away. Sooner or later you’ll figure out I’m not who I used to be and I’m not somebody you want to be around.” Somber hazel eyes drifted to the sound of childish laughter coming from the living room and she said, “Certainly not somebody you want your daughter around.”

“You’ve always loved kids. And I’ve never seen a kid you couldn’t enchant. Why wouldn’t I want you around her?” he asked, watching her.

Nikki turned away, gazing out the window. Finally, she turned her head to him and her eyes were sad. “I’m not who I used to be. I keep telling you that, and you just won’t listen.”

Moving up beside her, he cornered her between his body and the counter. He saw the alarm in her eyes and braced himself. She always struck out when she was feeling threatened.

Never one to disappoint, she tossed her head back. In a voice as cold as winter, she said, “I can’t look at you or your child without seeing her and remembering what you did.”

Cupping her cheek in his hand, Wade sighed. “I’m not here to remind you of what I did. I just want to be with you.”

 

I just want to be with you.

Those words tore at her heart. He made it sound so easy…

“Being with you does remind me,” she snarled, slapping a hand against his chest as he leaned closer. The heat of his body rushed out and filled hers, making her feel more overheated than three hours of trail riding ever could. His eyes, so full of love and promises, seemed to mock her.

Wade was so full of life.

And she was so empty.

“You are making my life a living hell. Don’t you think I’ve had enough of that?” she demanded, her voice shaking with the rage and pain she lived with.

His eyes glittered, the only proof that her words had any effect. Slowly, Wade leaned down and brushed a light kiss across her flushed cheek. “I don’t want hurt you. I never wanted to. I’ll never do it again.”

“Then stay the hell away from me!” Nikki cried, jerking her head back away from his. Shoving both hands against his chest, she tried to move him away, but he wouldn’t budge.

“You hurt me just by being around me. Stop coming around. Why in the hell are you still coming around?”

“I keep coming around because I love you. And you love me,” he whispered, covering her hands with his and leaning down to kiss her averted mouth. One hand caught and held her chin as he rained kisses over her cheeks and closed eyes. “I messed it up the first time, doll. But can’t I have a second chance? I’ll never hurt you again.”

As he covered her damp mouth with his, Nikki quaked. And prayed. First for him to stop. Then she prayed for him not to.

 

Wade wrapped his arms around her waist and dragged her closer, dark delight spiraling through him as her arms clamped around his neck and shoulders. He tasted salty sweat and soft skin on his tongue as he trailed a line kisses down her neck. Helplessly, Nikki rocked against him, and he shuddered before taking her waist and boosting her onto the counter top.

Moving between her legs, Wade rocked against the V of her thighs as he covered her mouth for another kiss.

He nipped at her lower lip with his teeth and then darted his tongue into her mouth while one hand pulled her hips to the edge of the counter until only cloth separated him from her. Nikki stiffened slightly as he moved against her, but he paid it no heed. She wanted him. There was no denying that…and he wanted her. She could taste it in his kiss, feel it in the hungry moan that vibrated up from his chest.

Her belly jumped as he ran his hands down her thighs. Unwittingly, she wrapped her legs tightly around his hips, never wanting to let go. For a little while…she could forget.

Cupping her breasts in his hands, Wade dragged his thumbs over the nipples, and she mewled as they tightened, throbbed under the sturdy cotton of her sports bra. Her hands went back to balance her weight as he grasped the bottom of the shirt in his hands and pulled.

 

Blood pounded in his temples as she arched against him, a weak moan falling from her lips. Mine, was all he could think. After all the time that had passed, she was still his in every way that counted. Her words might be saying no, but her body, her clinging hands were saying something totally different.

One lean hand cupped her, feeling the damp heat through the thin material of spandex. Nikki vibrated under his hand and whimpered as he massaged the heel of his hand against her damp cleft. He lifted his head and watched as her eyes darkened and her breath caught.

Triumphantly, Wade smiled as she started to convulse under the pressure of his palm. Quickly, he seized her mouth with his just as a rush of liquid warmth soaked both the spandex and his hand.

Mine. And all that mattered was marking her, making certain she knew just how strong his hold on her was.

Intent on peeling that spandex from her, Wade delved his hands inside her clinging shorts, wanting her naked and open. Distantly the sound of laughter and kid’s music penetrated the fog in his brain.

Abby.

“Damn it,” he muttered, his head dropping forward to rest on her shoulder. Nikki was shuddering against him, her hands clenching at his shoulders and back. Sweet heaven, Abby. He had totally forgotten his daughter was in the other room, just twenty feet away.

He raised his head to look at Nikki. Her face was flushed, her lips swollen and red from his. Her large dark eyes were soft and unfocused, full of need. Damn it, what timing.

Nikki dropped her head, taking several shaky deep breaths before she released his shoulders and pushed at him. “Let me down,” she whispered, her voice faint.

Wade did so, knowing if he didn’t move, he would take the chance, regardless of where Abby was. Clumsy, she clambered down and stumbled away from the counter. Quickly, she jerked her tank top back on before moving around until the table separated them. Then she turned those dark eyes on him, her lips parting as she drew in deep draughts of air.

“Damn you, Wade,” Nikki whispered, her voice rough and unsteady.

Grimacing, Wade agreed silently as he leaned back, adjusting his jeans. He sure as hell wouldn’t be doing much sleeping tonight. “Nothing like a little trip down memory lane,” he drawled, crossing his arms over his chest and waiting.

“That isn’t going to happen again.”

“Ever?”

“Absolutely never,” she swore, her eyes slowly clearing of the fog.

Nikki kept her hands pressed flat to the table, hoping to hide their trembling. Her knees were weak, watery, and she was having trouble staying upright. Hot, molten need still flowed through her veins and deep inside, she ached.

Idiot. Fool. Why did you let that happen? She asked herself, staring at him from the relative safety of ten feet away, across the solid oak of the dining table. “Never,” she repeated, her voice certain.

Too damn bad she didn’t feel as certain as she sounded. Her knees still felt like water and her brains like mush. Even the thought of what just happened was enough to make her want to whimper with need. All he had done was touch her and she had exploded.

“That’s an awfully long time,” Wade mused, drawing one knee up and hooking his thumbs through the loops of his belt. His erection strained against the worn denim that cupped him. His stance was cocky and arrogant, his smile full of promise, eyes glinting with need and humor.

Just looking at him made her mouth go dry.

And he wasn’t helping as he cocked his head and studied her with hot eyes. Eyes that studied her flushed face and trailed down her neck to focus on her shirtfront, where her nipples thrust against the sturdy cotton. The corner of his mouth quirked up in a slight smile as he added, “Especially considering your body would like nothing more than for me to come over there and finish what we started.”

“What you started.”

“I wasn’t alone in that, Nikki. I wasn’t kissing myself,” he drawled, scratching his chin. “One of us just climaxed and it certainly wasn’t me.”

“It won’t happen again,” she said, clenching her jaw.

“Why not?”

“Because I won’t let it,” she answered, her chin rising.

“Why won’t you let it?”

“Because it isn’t going to change anything. I’m happy with my life the way it is, and I don’t want you in it.”

“You know something, Nik? I look at you and get the feeling you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be happy. We were happy together once, Nikki,” Wade reminded. His heavy-lidded eyes and long smoldering look reminded her of things long past but hardly forgotten. “Do you remember that? There was a time when all we needed was each other to be perfectly satisfied with life.”

“That was before I figured out what real life is, Wade,” she said coldly, dredging the memory of long nights spent alone. Of a stormy day when she had lost everything. Of rainy days in which she prayed to forget. And of a tiny little grave twenty miles away.

The backlash of pain that filled her nearly knocked her to her knees. She had lost everything that had mattered. She couldn’t let anything matter again. She’d never survive if she lost it all again.

Speaking of it, thinking of it was like opening a floodgate. Nikki had refused to let herself think of it, bottling it all up inside, and now it was ready to be set free. If she couldn’t control the pain, then she would use it.

Harshly, Nikki said, “You don’t know what you did to me. You destroyed me. You tore out my heart and soul and I still haven’t recovered from it.” The pain spread throughout her entire body, leaving her weak and trembling, throat tight, hands shaking from the raging emotions.

“Nikki—”

“Don’t say anything, not a single thing to me, Wade. There is nothing you can say that could make up for what I lost. You can’t even begin to comprehend what I lost. But even if you could,” she whispered, dashing away tears that leaked over. “It would change nothing. Nothing would ever make up for it.”

“I want the chance to try.”

She started. She hadn’t even realized he had come closer until she felt his hand resting on her shoulder.

“Talk to me,” he whispered, cajoled. “Tell me.”

Tell him?

Tell him?

She shouldn’t have to tell him. He should already know because he should have been there with her when it happened. I shouldn’t have had to go through that alone. But she couldn’t tell him that. He would have no clue as to what she was talking about.

Closing her eyes, Nikki shook her head. “There’s nothing to tell, Wade. You told me all in glorious detail five years ago. If you can’t figure out what’s wrong, then you have something seriously wrong with you.”

“Don’t give me that,” he rasped, shaking her gently. “I know you. I know you inside and out, remember?” His voice dropped, intensified. “I know you love me. I know you want me.”

“Wrong. I don’t want this! My body might, but I don’t. I will never want it.” Shrugging his hands away, wrapping her arms around herself, Nikki turned and stared out over her land. Then she closed her eyes. “I don’t ever want to care about anybody like I cared for you. I don’t ever want to love again. Those kinds of emotions give others power over you. The power to destroy. Like you destroyed me.”

Wade’s hands froze in the act of reaching for her to draw her back against him. The honesty and the pain in her words pierced his heart and left him bleeding inside. His hands clenched impotently into fists as they fell to his sides, empty still.

Looking at him over her shoulder, her eyes so empty and so lifeless, Nikki swallowed and spoke around the knot in her throat. “Go out of my house, Wade. Off my property and don’t come back.”

She heard him sigh. Heard him leave the room. As the door shut gently, Nikki closed her eyes against a fresh onslaught of tears.

It took every last bit of strength she had left in her not to reach out to him.