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My name is Helen, and I..., I... No, I won’t cry. I have a weak heart, and every day could be my last. It is a disease that is extremely rarely encountered. Dad didn’t want me to know this, but I eavesdropped on his conversation with a colleague. From now on, I live with the understanding that tomorrow may never come for me. At first, it was terrifying to go to bed, but then I got used to it. One can get used to everything. I found myself in books and studies since I was just too frightened at the idea of walking outdoors. Besides, I don’t have anyone to hang out with. Who would be interested in a girl like me? There is a bunch of stuff I shouldn’t do – running, jumping, crying... Swimming is allowed, but only under supervision and only a little bit – I fatigue too quickly. This is also due to my disease.
I have no future, I will never be able to give birth to a child, to be a mother, just because I can’t handle the strain. So, there will be no family. And what is the point of living if there is no happiness anyway? Love can end badly for me – affection, resentment... Once at school I was deeply hurt by a boy and I... it was like the lights were switched off for me in the whole world. The paramedics came in time and got me back from there. It’s bitter cold and spooky out there. And there’s nothing at all. Just a void where it’s very cold, that’s all.
Gradually my heart failure is evolving and one day I will turn into... My dad forbids me to say this word. I must think positively as depression is an awful thing. I tend to be positive, and I have hope. I guess. There is a very faint hope as the disease is so rare that it is not reasonable to count on transplantation. Although transplantation is by no means a guarantee: patients with a transplanted heart don’t live long – ten or twenty years. Though it’s still a chance. But not for me.
My dad and my psychologist coach me to be strong, resist resentment, and endure when I feel like crying. As what for other girls is weeping, for me is death. Well, almost definitely. And I just can’t die, because mum and dad will be devastated. So, I live for them. As long as I have left. To die is very frightening, the only hope is that it will happen in a dream.
I study more at home than at school, especially in spring, for then I get very sick. But just recently one gentleman came to visit us. He spent a long time explaining to me that I was a sorcerer, and I even laughed, thinking that my parents had invited him so that I wouldn’t be dеpressed. Then he replied that he was out of time and must have done something, which made mum and dad consent to follow him and sign me in. I was very startled because such behavior was uncommon for my parents.
At some big hall, I was signed in as a student, and although I was trying to explain to him, the man told me to shut up and not to take up busy people’s time, which made me feel even more scared. Then dad couldn’t figure out for himself why he was letting me go to this school that I might not come back from. But for some reason, he couldn’t resist. Then it dawned on me that mum and dad had been bewitched by those sorcerers. So, I’d better obey, because those scary people might come up with something else. This is why I bid farewell to my parents at the station and stepped into a conventional train, wishing to see them at least once more, instead of arriving home in a wooden box. But, well, whatever now...
I took a seat by the window with a heavy sigh. It would take four hours to get to Geneva, and then somehow reach the Graswangtal School, which was not on the map. Dad checked. He laid out the pills and handed me, whereas mum was crying intensely. Not in front of me, but I saw it. Reflecting on what was ahead of me, I only wished the new school was equipped with a lift. Well, I can't... But anyway, what difference does it make where to die?
The wagon was quite average, divided into compartments of six seats each. A transparent door led to a corridor through which occasionally some boys and even apparently girls were rushing around. I already knew that the Graswangtal School was a boarding school, it was even explained to us for what reason – something related to the maturing of a sorcerer, but I didn’t get anything, except the fact that I was being taken away from my parents without being asked. Sorcerers are malicious, I’ve discovered that very well; not for nothing were they burned at the stake in the Middle Ages. Now they are taking revenge, probably by taking children away from their parents.
Some boy peeked into the compartment, inquiring politely as to where he could find some Wolf, but I couldn’t help him. Determined to stroll to the toilet just in case, even though I didn’t feel like it, I realized too late that it was a blunder. I was suddenly dizzy and gasping for breath beside some compartment, and it all suddenly went out.
I came round with what some boy thought was giving me artificial respiration, albeit his lips were soft. Surprisingly, it was so easy to breathe, and that was rather odd. After a fainting spell, I usually experienced severe distress, but for some reason not that time. I was lying on the floor and the boy was trying to lift me up and get me into a chair. Finally, he succeeded, and I felt like introducing myself:
“My name is Helen Bock,” I informed him.
“Philip Krone,” he replied and gave me one of those warm smiles.
This name was the one I knew from books. A little over eleven years ago some kind of natural disaster hit the sorcerers, and the parents of this boy were rescuing children, I didn’t realize from where. They died like real heroes and saved everyone. Philip might have been a hero with such parents, but obviously, I didn’t tell him my story. It was unlikely that he would be taken by it. We were silent, and then we gradually fell into talking.
“Don’t get attached to me,” I remarked. “I might die soon.”
“Why?” Philip wondered.
“Because I have a weak heart, and every day could be my last,” I briefed the boy, expecting him to turn away and I would go back in spite of my weakness. This was something I’d faced before, when I was frank about myself, and the girls turned away because they weren’t interested in me being like that.
But that was not how Philip acted at all.
“Let’s be friends?” he offered me, giving a shy smile, and I was even taken aback, as I hadn’t expected such a thing at all.
“All right” I replied. “But on one condition, okay?”
“What condition?” The son of the heroes inquired.
“You won’t be weeping when I die,” I voiced to him my most important condition.
“Deal,” he grinned at me.
His smile was so lovely, warm, and sincere... It made the world around peaceful and cordial.
That’s how we became friends. At first, we were talking a lot about the books we had read, but someone kept dropping by the compartment, so Philip just closed the door with some stick and no one else stepped in. It turned out that he lived in a foster home where he was treated kind of badly, so he would sit in the school library for hours which led him to be terribly clever, almost like me, hee-hee.
Then we touched on the things we had found out about school, and Philip suggested insisting on being classmates – it would be easier to be friends that way. I cheerfully agreed. Suddenly there was no longer any fear or loneliness. After all, it was the first time I was going somewhere without my mum and dad, and he seemed to realize what I was going through and didn’t let me get bored for the whole four hours of the journey. The train was going forward, and we were chatting about everything. And when I suddenly got homesick and blinked strenuously to keep the tears away, he hugged me. All of a sudden, he hugged me, hugged me as if I were a little girl. It made me want to cuddle with him, to feel his warmth. Somehow, in spite of everything, I was a little frightened, but I was struggling with the feeling because I couldn’t afford to be afraid.
“Let’s go to my compartment,” I offered. “Then we can have a meal since I forgot, and that’s not good.”
“Let’s go,” Philip smiled.
“I don’t know if you’ll like it, but my food is a little bland because I shouldn’t eat much salt,” I apologized in advance, and we went to the compartment I had left behind.
I took out the snacks my mother had packed for me, sharing them fairly. The boy did not turn his nose up at them, gladly eating and thanking me for the delicious food. I was really pleased for Mum since she was the one who cooked it. And then we arrived.
We were brought together at the train station in Geneva and taken to the bus. Philip was always nearby. The attendant told us that our belongings would be transported to the school and as we were here for the first time, we would be shown some of the local beauties. The bus drove for perhaps half an hour and stopped at some mountain, from which we had to descend to get to the right point.
“Welcome to Mount Rübetzal!” Our attendant announced. “It rises in the Three Lakes, right next to the Forest of Fairy Tales!”
All around was gorgeous, but for some reason, I found it a bit frightening. But next to Philip, who was so cheerful, so gentle, I gradually became not afraid at all. Apparently, he was determined to be my knight, like in the books. He led me down, holding me from falling, and then... Then there were the steps, which made me dread because the fatigue would wear me out. But we coped with them.
Afterwards, we arrived at the school, where we were lined up in a hall and arranged into classes, Philip was in the same class I was in. I was so excited that I couldn’t maintain control — it was just too much for me to face in one day. I got dizzy and everything went out.
***
“HELP!” A BOY’S VOICE rang out. “Helen is dying!”
The professors and the chancellor himself, who appeared first at the body of the girl whom the son of the heroes was trying to bring back to life, hastened to the boy. The boy was doing it without any witchcraft, rather clumsily, but it was obvious that he was doing his best. A simple artifact made the girl breathe again, after that the chancellor caught her in his arms and carried her somewhere. Philip, who was reluctant to leave the girl alone, was following close by. Herr Richter saw flashes of affection between the two children, so he asked Herr Neumann to allow the children to stay together in the school hospital. To such a request the chief physician simply nodded; he was preoccupied — casting spells on the girl, frowning more and more.
***
I WOKE UP IN AN UNFAMILIAR room and felt someone holding my hand. It was Philip, who hadn't gone away and left me alone. He’s so nice... In fact, I’d never had any friends, because friendship with a girl who’s almost not allowed to go out wouldn’t be amusing. I couldn’t believe it. I had a friend!
It was weird to be here, but I strove quickly to bring myself under control, to ensure that “the lights didn’t go out” again because frequent fainting would be dangerous. As for Philip, his gaze on me was... Tender, yeah. And that look made the warmth inside me grow deeper.
The place where I woke up was called the hospital, which made perfect sense, and I ended up here because I couldn’t keep control. That’s what the doctor who approached me, Herr Neumann, told me. He didn’t refer to control, but to the hospital; he couldn’t be informed about control. It might be odd that I don’t describe the rooms and interior of the grand palace – it seems to be a palace – but I’m just not up to it yet. If only I were healthy and didn’t have to hold the control all the time... Then, yes, I would comment on the rich furnishings, the carpets on the walls, and that magnificent coat of arms over there...
Herr Neumann claimed that it was Philip who fought to save me and called for help. Hence, he was my life-saver. His parents were heroes, they saved many people, and he was still young and saved me. I pointed it out to him, and he blushed and said that anyone would... Not anyone, Philip, I know... But I didn’t tell him that because it was pretty clear, and he was so embarrassed.
My chest ached a little, but there was nothing extraordinary about that, I just had to bring the control back and my heart would calm down. Herr Neumann gave Philip some vials and explained that they were for me.
“Philip, it is essential that Helen drinks a tablespoon of this mixture every morning,” remarked Herr Neumann and looked at me sympathetically.
“Please don’t pity me,” I begged him. “Cause when someone pities me, I can’t assert control and just give up.”
“All right, kid,” he replied, smiling. “If it gets hard to walk, let your knight call for me.”
“The knight” turned red and darted a glance at me, and I just hugged him because he was so kind. He embraced me, too, and we froze. It felt like a warm cloud enveloped us both, and I wanted to sniffle in an excess of emotion, but I couldn’t. I suddenly got the feeling that we’d known each other for many, many years... But is it possible?
Then Herr Neumann let us go, and we went to the living room of the first grade. Since we were first graders we had a living room, study halls, and bedrooms. Oh, yeah, there was a tall girl with some kind of a badge on her chest waiting for us outside the door. She stated that she was the tutor of the first graders and knew all about us, so she would lead us to the living room and show us the bedrooms where we were going to live from that point on. Brigitte Krüger, that’s how she introduced herself. Also, there’s Jens Stellmacher, as we’re in class “A”. There were two classes for first graders, “A” and “B”. Sounds logical, doesn’t it?
Girls and boys could sleep here only separately to avoid any embarrassment, I guess. Two per room. I thought that was probably for the best, because if something happened... If “something happened” my roommate would just freak out, that’s all.
It was apparent that Philip was concerned about me, he kept asking me how I was feeling, but I assured him that I was fine, just worn out. Herr Neumann must have had a word with the tutor, though I couldn’t see when, but Brigitte had settled me on the first floor, which had only five stairs. Though for me five might be Everest... I won’t be thinking about it, I won’t.
Later, the evening arrived. I hardly noticed it, and the tutor told us to go to bed, so I started saying goodbye to Philip. Well, like every evening, because he’s really nice. I told him that he was a good fellow and that if I suddenly woke up, I would like to be friends further. For some reason, the other girls burst into tears, and I hugged him goodbye and went to my bedroom... It was kind of scary, for sure...
I didn’t have the strength to take a shower, so I decided to wash up in the morning. As I took off my clothes and climbed under the blanket, I prayed in silence... Well, prayed to wake up in the morning, and then I closed my eyes. Night fell, but perhaps Philip had somehow conjured up a good night’s sleep for me, and I slept soundly till morning. Was I thinking about him too much?