Chapter 5

Hunger possessed her. A kind of hunger she’d never felt before. It was nothing like going without breakfast or lunch, but a deeper, more primal urge that she couldn’t contain. What was it she hungered for? She wasn’t sure.

Her surroundings were both light and dark. The ground, cold and snow laden, almost seemed to glow, and the trees around her stood like blackened arrows pointing to the heavens. Steam billowed from her mouth as she crept forward, hunting for her prey. Emerging from the boundary of the forest she saw her target, standing exposed in the moonlight, glowing silver. Ana’s shock held her as she realized it was in fact, herself.

There she is. Waiting for us. So young and impressionable . . . and powerful. I have waited too long for one like her. Could she truly be a star maiden? I may yet become an immortal god. The voice was deep, yet familiar.

She was compelled forward, toward the object of power. The girl was speaking to her, but it didn’t matter what she said, or how beautiful she looked, radiating a silvery light. While Ana looked at her, fur grew in waves across her own body. She fell to the ground on all fours, lifted her muzzle to chase the tickle that remained and snapped her teeth with ferocity.

The girl before her backed away, but it was a useless attempt to protect herself. She would be hers. The voice had said so and there was no fighting it. How could she turn her back on such a priceless object? She wouldn’t—it wasn’t a choice. Ana dug in her paws, moving with amazing speed. Without effort, she was on top of her victim. Dagger-like teeth sank into the girl’s shoulder. Salty blood washed her mouth.

I need her . . . she must kill me. The same voice echoed through her head, orchestrating her movement and her will.

Screaming filled her ears. The dream quickly dissolved and she found herself lying tangled in her bedding. A deep moan echoed through the ebony room. Chance was wrapped around her body and she felt him shaking against her.

“Chance?” Ana grasped his arm while she rolled over to face him. “Hey! Wake up!”

Through his long, shaggy hair and the darkness, she saw his eyes snap open. He stared at her for a minute. Then in one fluid movement, he rolled off the bed and sat up. His back hunched over with his head down to his knees. His breathing was ragged and rough.

Ana crawled over to him and placed her hands on his skin, lending her yellow energy to his aid. She squeezed his shoulders, then combed her fingers through his hair and up to the top of his head.

“Are you all right?” she said under her breath.

When he sat upright, his back pressed against her abdomen and she wrapped her legs around him. She rested her cheek to his back and felt his muscles move in response. His voice sounded different than usual, tight and throaty. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Things fell into place for her and she was thankful that her initial fears were unfounded. “You had another bad dream. Was it a memory . . . one that has to do with me?”

“I said I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Ana traced a circle onto his back with her pointer finger and whispered, “You don’t have to, because I already know. Have you ever wondered how we found each other that night? How I found you?”

She felt him hold his breath and she didn’t wait for him to respond. “I know I told you I’d dreamed you were in a fight and that’s why I went looking for you, but it wasn’t the first time I saw you in my dreams. Since you left me at Balam’s, I’ve been dreaming of you. I’ve seen you and what you were doing and who you were with. I don’t know how it’s happening, but Lifen says that healers can sense what people are feeling when they’re nearby. Well, since you’ve been here with me I’ve been hearing voices.”

At that, he stiffened and choked out, “What?”

“I think it’s okay. Yesterday I experienced this very vivid memory—and this man’s voice in my head. It freaked me out and I was afraid of what it meant—”

He interrupted her. “Your questions last night?”

“Yeah. But just now, I was having this dream about the night we met up, when you—weren’t yourself. Except I was experiencing it from your point of view. I mean, I guess it was your point of view. It didn’t feel like you were in control, but whoever was, was hungry for something—me. I think I’ve been channeling your memories and experiences. It’s my instinct to help you, so I must be subconsciously reaching out to you or . . .”

Chance’s hands gripped either side of his head. He leaned forward again and Ana tipped over with him. She readjusted herself, sitting upright, and slipped out from behind him. Dropping onto the floor, she sat in front of him and put her hand on his ankle.

He said with a shaky voice, “I didn’t want you to know. And there’s no way to hide it now. I wanted to protect you from what I’ve seen and done. I should have known it wouldn’t be so easy. My nightmares aren’t even private . . .”

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t by choice. It’s just been happening. I don’t have any control over it—I don’t think. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make. I know there are things you don’t want to burden me with, some things I probably already know, but I can handle it and I want to help you through this. If you can’t trust me with your darkest memories and fears, then why get married.”

Her words hung heavy in the air and Chance stared at her from under his curtain of long, black hair, unblinking. Thumping filled her ears and she realized it was her own heartbeat. “Just so you know, I’m not letting you out of this that easy,” she said.

Chance reached out so suddenly that it startled her. His hand slipped around her side and pulled her to him. His nose hovered millimeters from her own and his breath mixed with hers. “Ana, you are everything to me—I love you. If I didn’t have you in my life, there wouldn’t be any point. I would do anything for you.”

With her eyes open, Ana grazed her lips against his and whispered, “I know.”

His fingers traced down her cheek, and then her neck. A chill traveled throughout her bones and she shuddered. He said, “I’ve been selfish. I need you in my life. Even though I thought you wouldn’t love me after discovering what I’ve been hiding, I decided to keep it from you anyway. But it’s not just you I wanted to keep it from. I don’t even want to think about anything that I’ve done or seen since this nightmare started. It’s too much.”

Chance lifted her to her feet. He rested one hand on her low back, drawing her into him, and the other cupped her neck. His hair dangled between them and tickled her nose. Her heart raced and her stomach dropped.

He whispered, “It’ll be hard for us both, but we’ll get through it. I’ll be honest with you and try to be more open, but you have to be patient with me.”

Ana nodded. “I promise.”

“Mac started working with me today. He asked me to remember the day I met him, and when I . . . hurt him. I’m not proud of what happened, but he did make me realize it wasn’t really me that wanted to knock him out to begin with. It wasn’t my voice that I heard pushing me to act. It was his.”

“Mac’s? Batukhan’s?” Ana asked, feeling confused.

“No. The voice from the dream tonight. I don’t know who it was, but it was him behind everything. Everything. He was responsible for all of their deaths. All of them.” The tender look in his eyes had left and a sick, almost frantic expression replaced it.

“Whose deaths?”

“Grandfather, Balam, Nastas, my great-grandmother, Markus and his family, Mai, Grandfather’s father and brother—the list goes on. Even Lifen was killed by the psycho!”

Ana brushed her fingers along his cheeks. “Shh, he’s gone now. He’s gone.”

She wasn’t really sure if that was true. Even though the voice was gone, it had left its mark. The memories were still there for Chance to deal with. She wished she could do something to help him, to take the pain away.

His panting slowed and he nodded quickly. “Yeah. Right. But do you understand I know these things because I’ve seen them? I tasted my great-grandmother’s blood in my mouth, watched her die because of what I did.”

Ana was speechless for a moment while his words sank in, but she was spurred to answer from the agony radiating from his pores. “No, not you. It wasn’t you. It was him.”

“Right. It’s hard for me to separate the two, since that voice became a part of me.” He shuddered beneath her fingertips.

She was consumed with the need to fix him, to help him. He was hurting and she wanted to do what she could to heal his pain. It was clear to her just how traumatized he’d become after his “sickness.” Sickness. That word was so misleading. It was more like being kidnapped or body snatched. She was just happy he wasn’t suffering from Stockholm syndrome or that he’d been lost to the voice in his head. She’d helped him just in time.

Ana triggered herself into meditation. Energy flowed throughout her body, traveling like a superhighway. Her skin pulsed with sensation and she began to see luminescent motes swirling upward. Chance’s body shimmered in the darkness and she marveled at his light. She pushed out her power without even thinking about it.

“Whoa, what are you doing?” he asked.

“Trying to help.”

“But you’re glowing. Is that normal for healers?”

Ana was surprised by his statement. She was glowing? She thought shifters couldn’t see energy. “That’s odd. I’d ask Lifen about it, but she’s not here.”

He seemed to be lost in thought when he asked, “You want to stay with me tomorrow when I meet with Mac? It’s not going to be any more fun that it was tonight. It sucks, actually. I hate it, but he says it’s important for me to go through these memories so I can let them go. Seems more like he’s trying to torture me for clubbing him with a lit branch.” Chance smirked. “He’s actually pretty funny. He and your Aunt Tera would probably make an odd pair if they ever met.”

Ana remembered him dishing out the cake he’d made earlier that night and laughed. Blueberries had formed the shape of a large smiley face on top. At the time, she was too worried about the voices and memories she’d seen, but now she was ready to find the amusement that the situation deserved. Plus, it felt good laughing with Chance.

He must have been thinking the same thing, because his lips parted into a wide grin and he pulled her into an embrace. They took a collective sigh and she relaxed into his warm body.

Ana stroked his hair at the base of his skull. “Listen. Even though I don’t think you have to be forgiven of anything, because I know you and I know who you are deep inside, I believe you did everything you could to keep me safe. I just experienced your memories through your dreams and I am confident that you have nothing to be ashamed of. I felt the poison of that voice in your head and the power it had on you. I forgive you for everything you think you did wrong, but I know that all of the choices that you made that hurt me were to try to keep me safe. All of the choices to hurt me for other reasons weren’t yours and I know that. I just hope you do too.”

Chance’s breath heated her neck, causing a chill to run down her back. He mumbled, “I missed you so much and wanted to be with you. It was confusing hearing so many voices tearing me in opposite directions. I began to lose track of my own voice. The loudest one of all seemed to agree with me, that it would be best to find you and be with you again. I wish I could have seen through his intentions.”

It was clear he blamed himself for everything. She doubted anything she said to him would really help. He was still in a dark place, but at least he was talking to her about it now.

Ana pulled away and held his hands in hers. “I’m proud of you. You may not see anything good in your actions, but I do. You left to protect me. Right?” She searched his eyes and could see him contemplate her question.

“Yeah, after Markus died.” He swallowed hard and continued. “I looked at you. I felt your power and wanted to have it. The sudden loss of control freaked me out. I knew I wasn’t safe to be around so I left before I made any other decision. I couldn’t let myself hurt you.”

“Always my protector.” Ana kissed his nose, trying to lighten his mood.

“And I missed seeing you learn about your powers while I was gone.”

His hands gripped hers and his head hung low, touching his chest. She hooked her finger under his chin and lifted it up so he could look into her eyes. “I wish none of this had happened to us, but it did. There’s no changing it. We can’t get dragged down because life keeps hitting us repeatedly with a Mack truck.” Her words brought back the memory of a speech her mother gave to her before a medical procedure when she was young. She leaned in to Chance. “We have this point forward to make all new memories together. I can’t wait to go flying with you. It’s something I’ve dreamt of since I knew you were a shifter.”

For the second time that night, he smiled at her. Her heart fluttered in excitement. She marveled at the physical reaction she had to his attentions and wished it would never end. He leaned in and his mouth found hers.

When they parted after their kiss, he whispered in her ear, “What did I do to deserve you?”

“I ask myself the same thing all the time.”