CHAPTER FOURTEEN: THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER

The jubjub bird glided in for a landing. It touched down, then ran a few yards, throwing up clouds of sand before stopping.

“Is this it?” Albert asked as the Walrus and the Carpenter wandered over to have a look at the new arrivals.

“This it,” Big Foot assured him. “Oyster Bay.”

Albert and Alice slid to the warm sand. They watched as Big Foot spoke to the jubjub bird and it once again carried him into the sky. Waves thundered as they curled, and hissed as they pawed at the shore. Albert looked through light fog at the volcano on Snark Island as it continued to percolate a few miles across the big water.

“I see that you made friends with Big Foot,” the Walrus remarked in a blustery commanding voice.

“We’re friendly people,” Alice said in what Albert took to be an ominous manner.

“Quite,” the Carpenter said.

“Quite so, quite so,” the Walrus said. “In any case, welcome to Oyster Bay.”

Albert chuckled. “I see you haven’t yet gotten all the sand swept away,” he said.

“Not yet,” the Walrus said sadly, “though we’ve had seven maids with seven mops sweeping out here for much longer than half a year. But how did you know to mention it?”

“Albert read it in a book,” Alice explained.

“Odd sort of book,” the Walrus remarked, “reporting on the private business of people you’ve never met. Somebody has been spying through keyholes and down chimneys.”

“Not I,” the Carpenter assured him.

The Walrus peered at him with suspicion.

“Here’s more from the book,” Albert said:

“The Time has come,” the Walrus said,

“To talk of many things:

Of shoes—and ships—and sealing wax—

Of cabbages—and kings—

And why the sea is boiling hot—

And whether pigs have wings.”

Both the Walrus and the Carpenter looked at Albert with astonishment. “Nonsense,” the Walrus remarked. “I never said any such thing.”

“State your business,” the Carpenter demanded.

The Carpenter was right. They had spent enough time on small talk. “Alice and I need to get to Snark Island,” Albert explained.

“Alice?” the two creatures said together while they stared at Albert’s companion with interest. “Not the Alice?” the Walrus inquired.

“Right,” Alice said. She put her hands on her hips and stared back. They blinked and looked away.

“The time has come,” the Walrus said, “to make plans. That is certain. Are you hungry?”

“I am,” Alice admitted.

“Very good,” the Walrus said. “Come inside and we will confer while we eat.”

“I hope you like oysters,” the Carpenter remarked, “because they’re all we have.”

Albert wasn’t surprised. He and Alice followed the Walrus and the Carpenter into the small house. Now that he was closer, Albert could see that it was made entirely of oyster shells, all sort of piled up any which way.

The one room was furnished like a cabin in some of the pirate movies Albert had seen. There were two hammocks, a shelf of books, and some spices behind a railing. On one wall hung a painting of a woman that Albert thought might be Queen Victoria. More oyster shells were thrown into corners, so that in some places it was impossible to tell where the building ended and the litter began.

In the middle of a table was a mountain of unopened oysters. The carpenter immediately went to work opening them with a knife. The Walrus sat down in one of the two chairs and smiled at Albert and Alice while the Carpenter worked quickly.

“Why do you want to go to Snark Island?” the Walrus asked. “It’s a dangerous place. Or so I hear. I’ve never been there myself, of course.”

It was a logical question, but Albert didn’t want to answer it. He would already have to compete with Alice for the valuable thing—whatever it was—and he didn’t want anybody else in the running.

“The people in Oxford have sent us to slay the jabberwock,” Alice told him. “See? Albert has a genuine vorpal blade.”

“Very interesting,” the Walrus declared.

“Don’t look at us to take you,” the Carpenter said. He set a big platter of open oysters on the table, along with a pepper grinder and a shaker of vinegar. He cut a loaf of bread and slathered each slice with butter from a small pot.

“No no of course not,” the Walrus said. “Wouldn’t think of such a thing.” He pulled a pocket watch from his vest and shook it. “Time and Tide will be along soon. I’m sure they will be able to help.”

“I’ll tell you this,” the Carpenter confided, “they wait for no man.” He glanced at Alice. “Or woman either.”

“Who are—?” Albert began. But he was interrupted by the Carpenter.

“We have just long enough to eat before they get here,” the Carpenter said. He peppered an oyster, lifted it and allowed it to slide out of its shell and into his mouth.

The Walrus pulled a pile of oysters toward him, and after that there was a frenzy of eating. The only rule seemed to be that you took as many oysters as you could get. If Albert and Alice wanted any, they needed to be just as ruthless as their hosts.

Albert had never eaten oysters before. He found that if he wasn’t careful, they would just slide down his throat without any encouragement from him. It was a weird sensation. Otherwise, they were soft and chewy. However he ate them they had a briny flavor, like the ocean they came from. They were okay, but Albert wasn’t sure he wanted to eat them again.

When the oysters were gone, and the Walrus and the Carpenter were licking their fingers, Albert tried to find out more. “Do you know anything about jabberwocks or snarks?” Living so close to Snark Island, he thought there was a good chance they might.

“I’ve always heard that a vorpal blade is the best weapon against a jabberwock,” the Walrus said.

“The sharper the better,” the Carpenter added.

Alice shook her head. Apparently she didn’t think much of the information Albert was getting.

“What about snarks?” Albert asked.

The Walrus cleared his throat as if he were about to make a speech. “Snarks? I know all about snarks.”

The Carpenter loudly blew his nose into a handkerchief the size of a pillowcase.

“Yes,” the Walrus went on. “All about them. All about their strange flavor, their habit of getting up late, their serious nature, their fondness for bathing-machines, and lastly their ambition.”

“Old Vorpal’s cat said that some have feathers and bite, and others have whiskers and scratch,” Albert suggested.

“So they do, so they do,” the Walrus said.

“What’s a bathing-machine?” Alice asked.

“They’ve gone out of fashion these days,” the Carpenter said sadly.

“But what is it?”

“It,” said the Walrus with eyes closed, “is a small building on wheels in which one changes into his or her bathing costume. Then the bathing-machine is pulled into the ocean and one may safely and modestly exit into the water. When one is ready to get dressed, he or she may re-enter the bathing-machine and emerge later fully clothed. All very neat.”

“Neat,” Albert said, though he thought the very idea of a bathing-machine was stupid.

“But none of this matters,” the Walrus went on.

“Why not?” Alice asked.

“Because the snark on the island is a boojum.”

“And so?” Alice asked.

Albert swallowed. “Old Vorpal and Mr. Katz say that if you meet up with a boojum, you will softly and suddenly vanish away and never be heard from again.”

Alice’s eyes got big.

Though Albert was very frightened, he saw no way around going to the island, slaying the jabberwock, and getting past the snark—or at least making the attempt. Dangerous as the plan was, it was the only plan he had for getting home. “Are you sure you want to go with me to the island?” Albert asked. “I want to get home. You only want to get rich quick.”

“You won’t get rid of me that easy,” Alice said as she drew herself up, attempting to regain her composure. “Besides, why should you have all the fun?”

“Thanks,” Albert said.

Someone outside yelled, “Land ho!”

“That’s them!” the Walrus said with delight, and waddled out of the little house.

“Them?” Albert asked.

“Time and Tide, of course,” the Carpenter said as he followed the Walrus outside.