EATING TOGETHER regularly as a family—be it at breakfast, lunch, or dinner — has many benefits for children, teenagers, parents, and grandparents. Conversations during mealtimes give family members the opportunity to connect, bond, and learn from one another. To do that, everyone must turn off their electronic devices for a while and pay attention to the people sitting in front of them. This can be challenging nowadays, but it is important to give ourselves the chance to connect in real time with living people who have feelings.
Sharing meals engenders feelings of belonging, warmth, security, love, and caring. It also provides time for each person to talk about his or her day and share any news or discuss current events. Simply asking, “What did you learn today?” or “What interesting activities did you do today?” at a meal opens the door for parents and children to talk, and enables children to connect with parents on a deeper level about things that are important to them. Asking your children, “Did you face any challenges today?” opens the door for them to open up and share their feelings as well as seek guidance on how to handle the situations they encounter.
It’s good to begin having open discussions where parents listen to their children when the children are young. That builds trust so that when the children become teenagers, they know they can communicate openly with their parents without being judged or told what to do.
Sometimes parents may seed the discussion by sharing an event from their day or something they heard or read about. They then ask the kids, “What do you think is a good way to look at this?” or “What ideas do you have for how to handle this situation?” This builds confidence as children are able to express their ideas, and parents skillfully model the art of listening. Sharing family meals can help lessen normal day-to-day frictions and create meaningful family traditions.
Studies show that children and teenagers’ academic performance improves when their family eats together. Dinnertime conversations boost vocabulary even more than reading aloud to children. Research shows that preteens and teenagers who eat five or more meals a week with a parent are more likely to understand, acknowledge, and follow the boundaries and guidance of their parents. They are also less likely to be involved in risky behaviors that cause parents concern, such as binge drinking and illegal drug use, violence, eating disorders, and having problems in school. Frequent meals together have a positive impact on youngsters’ values, motivations, identity, and self-awareness.
Even when each family member’s schedule, activities, and commitments are complicated, it’s important to make sharing meals together a top family priority. Parents have to take the lead on this and arrange their schedules accordingly. Simply saying “Life is too hectic” and abandoning quality time with your children is setting yourself up for difficulties when the young ones become teenagers and young adults.
In addition, family meals tend to be more nutritious and less expensive than eating on the run. They improve children’s eating habits and provide the perfect opportunity for parents to model appropriate manners. Nowadays children often miss out on learning how to plan and prepare meals. Parents can teach them to be self-reliant by getting them involved in kitchen skills appropriate to their age, such as simple menu planning, helping with the grocery shopping, setting the table, making salad, chopping veggies, cooking, and baking desserts. Cleaning up after the meal can also be a group activity. All of these prepare children to take care of themselves when they leave home. Learning to help around the house will also save them from difficulties when they later have roommates and partners of their own. If your children learn to be team players and help with family chores, they will get along much better with others when they establish households for themselves.
Offering meals together is a wonderful family tradition. During my travels, I stayed with a family with small children. Dinner was their family meal. The children helped set the table, and after the food was placed on the table, everyone held hands. The children had memorized the offering prayer and they led the recitation. I’ve found more than once that the children learn the offering verses more quickly than their parents! The kids are eager to recite them and show what they have learned. The children then ask about the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha, and their questions about the Three Jewels and why we offer our meals to them is a good way to introduce children to the Buddha’s teachings.
Another way to use food to introduce children to the Three Jewels is to have the children help you offer food on the altar in your home. When I stayed with a friend of mine, I witnessed a lovely family custom. The mother and her young daughter bowed to the Buddha each morning in front of the altar in their home. Then Mom gave the child some cookies or fruit to offer to the Buddha, which the daughter very carefully did. After she “gave the Buddha a present,” the Buddha “gave her a present” in return — a small treat or something the child liked. Then they would chant OM MANI PADME HUM — the mantra of Chenrezig, the Buddha of Compassion — together. Needless to say, the daughter loved giving the Buddha presents and grew up to be a serious Buddhist practitioner herself.
Some parents who are Buddhist hesitate to introduce their children to the Dharma, often because when they were children religion was forced on them. Not wanting to pressure their own children, they don’t speak about Buddhism or teach it to their children, saying that they want to let their children decide what religion to follow — if any—when they are older.
Although I agree that religion should never be forced on anyone, not introducing children to the Dharma when they are young is a disadvantage for the children. Children need ethical guidelines. Discussing these, especially in relation to how they interact with their siblings, classmates, and adults, is a great opportunity to talk about the ten nonvirtues and the ten virtues as well as karma and its effects. These teachings are practical — they are not dogmatic and can be taught to children so that they see the immediate benefits of treating others with respect and acting generously. Children are also curious about life, and it’s important to answer their questions with sincerity and expose them to new ideas. They want to know what happens to their dog, cat, or hamster when it dies. They look to their parents and other adults to understand how to respond to the death of a loved one and what to do to help the deceased.
Buddhist methods for working with anger and cultivating love and compassion can easily be taught to children, beginning at a very early age. Just helping kids learn to identify their emotions and label them gives them the ability to communicate their feelings and needs. It enables them to see that other people also have feelings, and with that awareness parents can teach their children how to empathize and care about others.
Children also benefit from knowing that their parents meditate. So often parents tell their kids to sit down and be quiet, but the children never see their parents model that behavior! But when they know that meditation time is quiet time and they see Mom and Dad sitting peacefully, it’s a powerful role model for the children. Young children also like to be with their parents during these relaxed, peaceful times. My young niece liked to come in the room and color during my morning meditation time, and sometimes I would rub her back while reciting mantras. This was a quiet way of bonding.