WOMEN, APART FROM HAVING WORKPLACE conflicts that are no different from men’s, do have conflicts with the women they work with that are distinctive and quite unlike men’s workplace conflicts. But contrary to many authors’ claims, women’s distinctive workplace conflicts are not due to some unique personality characteristics that lead them to be mean to, competitive with, or antagonistic toward each other. Women are not programmed (by nature, nurture, or both) to be hostile to their same-gender colleagues. Quite to the contrary, such empirical evidence as is available points to women’s strong desire to bond with and support other women—to build sisterhoods.
As we have argued throughout this book, women’s distinctive same-gender workplace conflicts are the direct result of biases that exist in the workplace. These biases are of two sorts: biases pervasive in gendered workplaces—affinity and gender bias—and women’s own biases about women with different social identities (what we will call Identity Bias). Women’s identity biases are a result of stereotypes, internalized from their cultural, family, and workplace environments, about women with different social identities—race, ethnicity, age, sexual orientation, gender identity, or parental status. As a result of these stereotypes, women often ascribe characteristics to “different” women that imply they are difficult to work with, lack essential interpersonal skills, or possess undesirable personality characteristics. In this chapter we discuss how to minimize women’s identity conflicts—their discomfort with, suspicion of, and wariness of women with different social identities by fostering candid, constructive, nondefensive conversations among and between women whose distinctive social identities are different from their own.
In chapter 11 we discuss how best to attack affinity bias and gender bias in gendered workplaces, namely by significantly increasing the gender diversity in its senior leadership.
Women’s Identity Biases
In chapters 5 through 9, we discussed the unique workplace difficulties women experience because they have different social identities. As a result of these differences, women often have quite different life and workplace experiences, perspectives on career opportunities and prospects, and attitudes toward other people with distinctive social identities. Women can, and often do, come into conflict with other women simply because, despite their common gender, they are “different” from each other (conflicts of this sort we call “Identity Conflicts”). Men most certainly also have Identity Conflicts, but women’s Identity Conflicts deserve special attention because in gendered workplaces women, because they are women, are a conspicuous outgroup. Therefore, when women with one distinctive social identity have conflicts with, distance themselves from, behave with incivility toward, or are openly hostile to women with different social identities, they are pushing those women even farther away from their organizations’ centers of power; they are calling into question those women’s qualifications for leadership; and they are making it even more difficult for those women to participate in key social and professional networks. When women have conflicts with women of a different race, ethnicity, age, or sexual orientation, for example, they are sending the signal that even women think less of these “different” sorts of women.
If our workplaces were more inclusive, respectful, and valuing of people with distinctive social identities, Identity Conflicts would be greatly diminished. Unfortunately, most of our workplaces have a great deal of work to do before they are truly welcoming of all different sorts of people, and women’s workplace Identity Conflicts need to be addressed now. Fortunately, women can do a great deal to end their own Identity Conflicts by improving the nature of the conversations they have with women who are different from them.
What Needs to Be Understood
Women’s views of women who have intersecting social identities that are different from their own are multilayered attitudes resulting from the internalization of cultural, family, and workplace stereotype-driven biases. All of us are socialized, albeit to different degrees, to have Identity Biases of various sorts about people with different racial, ethnic, age, and sexual identities. Such biases are ubiquitous and difficult, if not impossible, to eliminate entirely. Nevertheless, women work every day with women whose social identities are different from their own. Based on our years of coaching and counseling, we believe most of them would prefer to build sisterhoods with these different women than to separate from them in uncivil standoffs. The creation of such sisterhoods and the avoidance of incivility depends on women of different social identities being able to have open, candid, and respectful conversations with each other about their attitudes toward, experiences with, and expectations of each other. The problem, of course, is that such conversations are difficult to have and are often very uncomfortable. This is typically because they can implicate our own biases or prejudices, causing us to become defensive if not offended. These conversations can exacerbate rather than reduce Identity Conflicts. The trick, therefore, is to find ways to talk about Identity Bias without defensiveness, ways that increase understanding, appreciation, and respect and that incline us more toward sisterhood.
Women’s Conversations with Themselves
Regardless of our particular social identities, we all have biases about people who belong to different identity groups, and we all believe in the value and importance of our distinctive identity. Many of us, however, find it very difficult to acknowledge our biases, preferring to maintain the illusion that we are bias-free, firm believers in and practitioners of universal equality, and value people who are different from us. Since that is an illusion, a useful first step toward becoming ready to have positive conversations with women whose social identities are different from their own is for women to have frank conversations with themselves about their beliefs, feelings, and attitudes concerning social identity.
One such conversation should involve women asking themselves what makes them uncomfortable in dealing with women of a different race or ethnicity. Why do they find it difficult to relate as easily with such women as they do with women of their same social identity? What specific characteristics of such women do they admire or dislike? Do they think these women are less cooperative, accomplished, or intelligent than women like them? Are such women more hostile, disagreeable, cliquish, or disrespectful? Do they have any evidence that their views in this respect are justified? If so, how good is it? If not, where did their views come from? Are they proud of the way they feel? Would they want it generally known that they feel this way? Would they become defensive if someone accused them of having such attitudes? Are they prepared to discuss their attitudes with the women about whom they have them?
A second such conversation with themselves should involve how women feel about themselves and their own social identity. Do they have privileges (or disadvantages) because of that identity? What are they? Are these privileges (or disadvantages) fair? Would they want them removed? Because of their social identity, do they (consciously or unconsciously) act toward people who are different from them in hostile, antagonistic, or demeaning ways? If so, why, and are they proud of that behavior? When they interact with people who are like them, do they disparage, exclude, or demean people with different social identities? What are their personal qualities and characteristics that have allowed them to get where they are (or prevented them from getting there)? Are they prepared to talk about these personal qualities and characteristics with people who are not like them?
It is very difficult to have these conversations with ourselves, not least because no one wants to admit that they have Identity Biases. Often such conversations are possible only after a close friend or colleague has called our attention to an insensitive remark we have made or an action we have taken; we have witnessed clearly biased behavior on the part of someone we respect; or we have gotten the result after having taken the Implicit Attitude Test for race or ethnicity at Harvard’s Project Implicit.1 Whatever result we get, however, until we acknowledge our own biases and have done our best to have conversations with ourselves about those biases, we are not going to be able to make much progress at ending our workplace Identity Conflicts.
Women’s Conversations with Other Women
Once women have come to terms—to the extent they are able on their own—with their Identity Biases, they should be in a position to start to have conversations with different women that hold the promise of ending workplace Identity Conflicts. But even after women have thoughtfully analyzed their own Identity Biases, having constructive conversations with other women about identity, bias, and workplace opportunities can be tricky and fraught with the possibility of making things worse rather than better. Therefore, keep in mind that words matter. Depending on what women say and how they say it, they can either blow up relationships or move them forward. When women are not alert to the sensitivities of the people with whom they are talking, it is easy to say stupid, hurtful, and disrespectful things. Women attempting to have serious conversations with other women about their Identity Conflicts need to be prepared for some rough sailing, at least at first. In her book, So You Want to Talk about Race, ljeoma Oluo writes that when you attempt to have such conversations, “You’re going to screw this up royally. More than once. But you should have these conversations anyway.”2
In order to maximize the chances that women’s conversations with other women about identity conflicts are productive and move toward sisterhood, we offer a number of suggestions based on our own experiences and the discussions in So You Want to Talk about Race and the Catalyst Research Project, “Flip the Script.”3
1. Be clear (at least to yourself) about why you are having this conversation. Once you are clear about your objective in entering into a conversation about social identities and why they so often make women’s same-gender relationships difficult, you should be on guard that the woman with whom you are having the conversation might have an incompatible objective to your objective. Women’s conversations about their attitudes, feelings, and beliefs about identity differences can very easily result in resentment and hostility if there has been a serious misunderstanding about why a conversation is happening.
2. Do not become defensive and don’t provoke defensiveness. If you are talking about a sensitive identity difference and feel the need to defend yourself—“I am not a racist,” “I have many LGBTQ friends”—stop and ask yourself why do you feel threatened? Has your objective shifted from what you wanted it to be to protecting your own ego? If you allow yourself to become defensive, you are unlikely to understand what is being said and you are unlikely to say what you meant to say.
By the same token, you should avoid saying anything that is likely to cause the other person to become defensive. For example, saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” devalues the other person’s feelings by suggesting her feelings may not be justified. Instead, a better thing to say would be, for instance, “I certainly did not mean to offend you or make you uncomfortable, but I see that I did. Please help me to be certain I don’t do it again.”
3. The problem is bigger than your feelings. Identity Conflicts are the result of Identity Biases that are systemic in our society and workplaces. While your personal feelings are certainly involved, keep in mind that the biases you have found in yourself are likely to be experienced by your conversational partner on a daily basis, and she is likely to be subjected to slights and incivilities from many other people in many other situations. So don’t make the conversation all about the way you feel.
4. Your aim should be to understand, not to demonstrate you are a good person. Whatever your objective in entering into the conversation in the first place, you should be consistently working to understand where the other woman is coming from, what vulnerabilities she may be reluctant to reveal, and how you can make clear that it is safe for her to proceed with this conversation with you.
It is precisely because women with different social identities have had such different experiences and hold such different perspectives that Identity Conflicts occur. You should strive to understand and to be seen as seeking to understand, not to demonstrate that you are not biased or hostile or disapproving. Forget about establishing the validity of your own point of view. Your aim should be to do better, not to prove you are a good person.
5. Color-blind is difference blind. Thinking, or worse saying, “The world would be a better place if all of us were color-blind” is not only dumb—the world is never going to be color-blind—but also highly insensitive to the fact that the woman with whom you are talking probably takes great pride in her racial or ethnic identity and does not want it ignored but acknowledged and valued. Suggesting we should be color-blind is a prescription for Identity Conflict, not a way to build a sisterhood of women with different social identities.
6. Don’t talk about identity conflicts unless you are ready. Effective conversations about Identity Conflict depend not only on the women involved having, at least, a dawning awareness of their biases, but also on their willingness to listen to what may be disconcerting or uncomfortable comments without taking offense. Saying something like, “Let’s not go there, it will only make things more difficult,” is worse than not starting the conversation in the first place. Conversations between two women about their Identity Conflicts should seek to achieve a deep, profound understanding of the reasons for those conflicts. Identity Conflicts will not end if women feel that certain topics are off-limits, must be tiptoed around, or involve “walking on eggshells.” Therefore, instead of avoiding certain topics, trying something like, “I know this is difficult even painful to talk about, but I am prepared to if you are.”
7. Show interest. When a woman is trying to talk with another woman about their Identity Conflicts, she needs to have and to show genuine interest in the other woman’s feelings, experiences, perspectives, and expectations. If both women have such an interest and are prepared to listen to the criticism and hostility that may well come out, a lasting resolution of their Identity Conflicts is possible. If they are not, there is no possibility of such a resolution.
8. Be prepared to express your desire for sisterhood. Key to constructive conversations about Identity Conflicts is your aligning yourself with the woman with whom you are speaking, not increasing the distance between you. If you want to have solid, positive, supportive relationships with women whose social identities are different from your own, you can’t be afraid to acknowledge that you very much want to provide and find safe spaces within which different women can speak about themselves, express their frustration and anger, and drop their “we are all alike” masks.
9. Some sure fire conversation killers. There are several things that should never be said in conversations about Identity Conflicts. Among them are, “No offense, but . . . ,” “Don’t be so sensitive,” “Can’t you take a joke?”, “I am not a racist,” “I have many black (Asian/Hispanic/LGBTQ) friends,” and “You are different.” Statements such as these shut down conversations, not open them up. You may not want to say, “I want to be your sister,” but you can say, “I want you to help me do a better job of managing our relationship.”
10. Take responsibility for what you have said and done. If you are ready to talk with another woman about your Identity Conflicts, you should also be ready to learn how you have, in some way, offended, hurt, or humiliated that other woman. When you do learn, don’t say something like, “I certainly didn’t mean to do that,” but rather something like, “I am truly sorry. That was unkind of me, and I will try to never do that again.” Acknowledge your own biases and lack of sensitivity and admit what you did was a microaggression. Conversations about Identity Conflicts should force you out of your comfort zone and into a place where you are ready to acknowledge and own your unsisterly conduct.