CHAPTER 8

CHANGE “I DESERVE” TO “I AM RESPONSIBLE”

AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL in the city where one of my sons, Ricky, attended college asked me to speak at a parents’ event on the topic of raising healthy kids in an entitled culture. Leaving for the airport to fly to the engagement, I called Ricky and explained where I would be speaking that night. “Look,” I said. “The parents would probably rather hear from you than me on this topic. After all, you’re the ‘end product’ of everything I’ll be talking about tonight, and they’ll be curious. Would you come tonight and speak for five minutes on how we parented you in this entitled culture?” He agreed.

When I landed, I drove to the school and presented my talk. The parents in attendance, clearly anxious about how to resource and provide for their kids without spoiling them, were engaged and had questions such as: What if, at age nine, their kids didn’t get a cell phone even though their classmates got one? Would that damage their self-esteem and their relationships?

I stressed that Barbi and I had told our kids in a thousand ways, “As you go through life with us, you will need a lot of things. You’ll get what you need — things like love, food, shelter, safety, values, structure, faith, opportunity, and an education. We are committed to seeing that you get what you need. But we also want you to know that you really don’t deserve anything. You can’t demand a toy, a phone, a laptop, or a car. That attitude won’t work with us. Need, yes; deserve, not so much.” The parents seemed to respond positively to my counsel.

Toward the end of my presentation, I saw Ricky walk into the auditorium. He’d just driven in from class. I brought him onstage, introduced him, and asked, “Can you speak to these folks about growing up in an entitled culture?”

“Mom and Dad weren’t perfect parents,” he said, “but they did a good job on teaching us values. I remember one thing I heard a lot from them: ‘You may need a lot of things, but you don’t deserve anything. . . .’ ”

I had to spend the next minute or so promising the laughing audience that this had not been a setup. I still don’t know if they believed me.

The Right Way to Deserve

Barbi and I intentionally determined what we wanted our kids to know in this area. We had seen the bad fruit of families in which the kids believed they deserved some gift or privilege as a right. That bad fruit showed itself in a poor work ethic, self-centeredness, serious rebellion against authority, and relationship issues. We wanted our kids to know that they were safe, loved unconditionally, and would not be deprived of necessary things, and that they’d be okay. But we also wanted them to know that, while they lived under our roof, a demanding attitude would not bring them anything good. “I deserve” did not fly well with Mom and Dad.

You can’t get away from the phrase “I deserve” in our entitled culture. It lurks in the fabric of our relationships and grabs the spotlight in our media and entertainment. How often you have either heard or said words like:

• “I deserve a better boyfriend/girlfriend.”

• “I deserve a great job.”

• “I deserve a home that is up to my standards.”

• “I deserve to be treated right.”

• “I deserve for people to recognize my potential.”

• “I deserve to travel and see the world for a year and not lose my job.”

I expressed those sentences in first person, but we often hear those sentences, or some like them, in second person too, as well-meaning friends try to assure us that we deserve something better than we have — thereby fueling our sense of entitlement without realizing it.

The problem is that we misuse the words more than we use them correctly. Most of the time when we say “I deserve,” we’re referring to something we desire or even need — but that’s not what the words truly mean. To say “I deserve” means that you have a right to something and can therefore demand it. It communicates something much stronger than a desire or a need. In fact, this right to demand makes sense only in two contexts:

As an earned right. When you perform to a satisfactory standard in your work, you deserve appropriate compensation. You have the right to it because you have earned it.

When I work with a company to help it develop a fair compensation package for its employees, we talk about this. Employees who work hard and achieve performance goals deserve every cent of their paycheck and every aspect of their benefits. The company literally owes them that: “Do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain” (Deuteronomy 25:4). This is a previously negotiated transaction, a binding agreement. In this context, the statement, “I deserve my benefits,” is both right and good.

In the same way, an entrepreneur who creates a product that costs her a dollar and who then sells it for two dollars deserves to be paid by any customer who buys it. She has invested time, resources, and money in bringing that product to market. She has earned it.

As a contractual right to some good thing. This happens when some legal entity confers a right on a person. The Constitution of the United States, for example, provides certain rights to its citizens, such as the rights to free speech, choice of religion, and protection against unreasonable searches and seizures. U.S. citizens aren’t required to put any effort or energy into securing these rights. Earlier generations won these rights and wove them into the fabric of our government, which now guarantees them. The founding fathers wanted citizens to have certain rights that would free them to have meaningful lives.

In biblical times, Roman citizens also had rights. As a citizen, Paul appealed to one of these rights: “But if the charges brought against me by these Jews are not true, no one has the right to hand me over to them. I appeal to Caesar!” (Acts 25:11). The apostle did not act in an entitled or self-centered way when he made his appeal. As a Roman citizen, he had the right to demand this kind of treatment. Contractual rights such as these are life-giving and normal. You deserve the contractual rights that have been gifted to you.

The Wrong Way to Deserve

The phrase “I deserve” becomes a problem when it merely expresses a need or a desire. Used in that way, it encourages an entitled attitude. As I told my kids, “Need, yes. Deserve, not so much.” Things get confused and break down when we fail to make this distinction. Consider a few examples:

• “I deserve a great job.” We all want a great job, but no one has an earned or contractual right to a great career. We have to train, explore, start at the bottom, take risks, fail, and work hard to get a great job. And even then, it’s not guaranteed.

• “I deserve a great marriage.” Everyone who walks down the aisle wants a great marriage; this is one of our deepest desires in life. But no one has promised us a great marriage.

• “I deserve to be treated well by my spouse.” No one should be treated poorly. And if your mate is abusing you in some way, you should take steps to get help and set boundaries. But receiving good treatment is a need, not a right.

Deciding what we actually deserve has theological implications. We don’t deserve God’s love and grace, although he extends them to us because we need them. To the contrary, we deserve his wrath, because our sinful nature offends his righteousness: “We were by nature deserving of wrath” (Ephesians 2:3). If anyone should understand why it might not be a great idea to focus only on what we deserve, it is those who believe in Christ.

While the entitlement mantra tells us, I deserve to be provided with a good life, the Hard Way mantra declares, I am responsible for creating a good life.

This chapter will show why the Hard Way is clearly the right way for all of us.

Why “I Am Responsible” Works Better than “I Deserve”

A continual focus on “I deserve” can cause significant problems for anyone. Those who cling to an “I deserve” mentality may go through all of life feeling frustrated, unsuccessful, blaming, and empty. “I am responsible,” by contrast, will free you to get where you need to go.

While “I Deserve” Weakens, “I Am Responsible” Empowers

“I deserve” directs us to some external person or power to provide something we need. “I deserve to be happy,” for example, focuses on somebody else to make us happy. The problem is that when I focus on someone other than myself, I grow less powerful and more dependent. I give power to others, making it much less likely that I’ll have the power to get my life together. “I am responsible to do what it takes to make me feel happy,” however, puts power back in my own hands, so that I can channel that power to the only thing I can control: my behaviors.

“I am responsible” calls us to action. It drives us to go after our dreams and desires, to solve problems and to make the world — at least our part of the world — a better place. It is movement-oriented. By contrast, “I deserve” thinking leads to a passive victim mentality. People shut down and refuse to make choices. They wait for someone else to make things better for them.

I have seen many people make themselves miserable by taking the position that since someone treated them poorly in a relationship, they can say, “I deserve a better situation next time.” I’m not talking here about those terrible cases where someone gets abused and violated, or about those situations where the government, the church, and we as individuals should reach out to those truly in need. Those situations do require restitution and outside help. Those are the cases in which someone has clearly and simply not treated others in a humane way.

A friend of mine went through a painful divorce to free herself from a husband who was, simply put, a bad person. He yelled at her in public — I witnessed one such incident, and it was awful. He controlled their finances, and he spent money on whatever he wanted. There were many other problems stemming from his attitudes and behaviors. After the divorce, she adopted the “I deserve a better man for what I went through last time” attitude. Not “I want” or “I will look for” or “I won’t make that mistake again,” but “I deserve” — do you hear the difference? I felt bad for her, because although I understood the hurt and need underneath, I knew that it would lead to problems in her dating life.

Sure enough, men quickly picked up on her demand that they be 180 degrees opposite of the ex. They heard about his abusive ways (probably much more than they wanted to). She made them feel as though it was their job to repair the damage. And on top of it all, she remained blind for a long time to her own contributions to her failed marriage. She never analyzed how she had picked such an unsuitable marriage partner in the first place, what she had done wrong in the relationship, and how she too often did a poor job of handling problems. She couldn’t even look at these personal faults; so of course, they didn’t get better.

After years of struggle, she was finally able to change her attitude to, “I need to take responsibility to find the right guy.” And once she made that change, she began to see how she had often tried to rescue immature guys instead of seeking an adult male. Once her own attitudes became healthy, “right guys” began showing up. Her people picker was no longer pooped, as it were. She became warmer, more vulnerable, and more attractive to healthy guys.

While “I Deserve” Alienates People in Relationships, “I Am Responsible” Brings Them Together

“I deserve” is a statement of transaction. It means that someone owes me. It establishes a performance standard.

But relationships are never transactional in nature. They are about love, vulnerability, and connection from the heart. A transactional element flung into a personal relationship causes havoc. It can literally end the connection of love.

Suppose a husband who earns more than his wife says to her, “I have provided a home for us all of these years. I deserve support and attention from you when I come home. So give it to me.” This statement throws his wife under the law. He is saying, in effect, “Love me because you are supposed to love me. In fact, you owe it to me.” If anything can dishearten the outflow of love, it is this. She feels a multitude of emotions, none of them positive: obligation, guilt, fear, hopelessness, unworthiness, and anger. Under those conditions, how can she give him what he demands? Her heart has moved far away from him. She can and may comply on the outside and say nice things, but both of them will know that she doesn’t feel them.

Suppose the husband says instead, “I get tired and worn out from my job. I need your support and attention when I come home. But I know you can’t read my mind, so it’s my job to let you know what I need. All I need is a few minutes of visiting with you when I get home. Would you do that? It will really help me.” He has just shifted from law to grace. He really does have a need, but this new stance triggers her own sense of nurturance, care, and concern. Isn’t that a far better way?

We can’t demand love. It must be given freely.

While “I Deserve” Works against Freedom of Choice, “I Am Responsible” Supports Freedom

“I deserve a college education paid for by my parents.” Besides the fact that this statement is untrue in any legal sense, such a stance also judges anyone who says no. If the parents decide that their financial responsibilities to pay for education end with their child’s eighteenth birthday, then they are bad people and deserve wrath from their son or daughter. They can’t say no and still be good. They’re in an impossible double bind.

Think about the previous example regarding the demanding husband. If his wife says she is too wrapped up with the kids or her job to give him more time, she is de facto a bad wife in his mind. She is not free to say no and still be a good person.

And yet God never judges our freedom to choose. He encourages it, for he knows that the only way he will get a real relationship with us, from the heart, is if we are free to walk away from him. That is the interplay of love and freedom. If you are not free to be unloving, then you are never free to be truly loving. Anything else is impossible. God values our freedom enough for Christ to die for it: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).

On a psychological level, this demand often reveals a serious control issue. A person makes such a demand because he is deeply afraid of rejection, of being turned down. So he demands it and judges the other person in an attempt to control the outcome. It almost always backfires.

So what’s the solution? I believe it is to give up trying to control others’ freedom (which is really impossible, anyway). Instead, be humble and vulnerable with expressing your needs. You’ll stand a much better chance of having those needs actually met.

While “I Deserve” Is a Demand, “I Am Responsible” Conveys Need and Vulnerability

“I deserve” can sound entitled and arrogant, even when the person saying it doesn’t mean it that way. People feel the demand anyway, and they often feel that they are expected to fix matters for the one expressing the need.

“I am responsible to get my own need met,” by contrast, is a vulnerable statement. It focuses on what I don’t possess that is important to me; it does not place a demand on others. My needs are my problem and no one else’s. “I am responsible for my needs” is received well by others. People feel more like spending time with, supporting, listening to, and helping those who take this stance.

At a recent party, a friend brought a woman over to me and said, “I’d like to introduce you to a good friend. She’s in a marriage crisis. Can you talk to her?”

The woman quickly said, “I feel horrible about even asking. You’re not on the clock, and you’re having fun here. So it’s fine if you don’t have time. I’m just honestly in a bad place right now.”

Immediately I felt compassion for her situation, which I soon learned was indeed terrible. I wanted to help her because she was so vulnerable. I felt no pressure of guilt, no obligation, no “should.” I talked to her for about twenty minutes, and we came up with some workable solutions.

All of us have needs in life, and it is much better for us to express them as just that — as needs, not as demands. For example:

• We need God’s love and guidance — we can’t demand it.

• We need others who care deeply about us, without conditions — we can’t expect them to.

• We need choices and freedom — and we can’t demand that other people provide them for us.

• We need finances, resources, a plan for moving ahead, and a way to express our talents — but it’s our job, no one else’s, to get them.

While “I Deserve” Conveys Special Privilege, “I Am Responsible” Conveys “I’ll Get in the Back of the Line, Like Everyone Else”

“I deserve” communicates a “better than” spirit to others, and frankly, it does not work with healthy people. “My child deserves to play the lead in the school play,” says the entitlement-based parent. Every teacher knows the damage that will come to the child in a situation like that. My wife has worked as a public elementary school teacher for her entire career, and she has seen how other parents and kids alike both react against such an attitude. When people hear it, they think, Who do you think you are?

We all may be unique in God’s eyes, but we don’t deserve a better position than anyone else because of it.

While “I Deserve” Negates Gratitude, “I Am Responsible” Encourages It

Individuals in a transactional relationship have no sense of thankfulness. There is merely a required behavior, a payment for the behavior, and that is that.

Our family has been committed to a variety of ministries and charities over the years. But recently one of my sons, Benny, a college student, found that just a few blocks from his campus were hundreds of homeless people living on the street. Their tragic lives broke his heart. We had planned to drive to his university to attend a football game the next week, and Benny said, “I want us to leave for the game early. We need to first drive to where these people are and give them food, water, blankets, and socks.”

As a family, we agreed. We bought the items and put them in the trunk of the car. Benny directed us to the streets where the homeless individuals lived. We pulled over, opened the trunk, and started pulling out supplies. Within a few seconds, people came from nowhere to take what they needed. Within a few minutes, all of our items had vanished.

We all felt struck by the level of gratitude we saw from these unfortunate people. Over and over again, they thanked us, shook hands with us, and hugged us. They showed no sense of entitlement or being owed. They simply were in great need. They took responsibility for those needs by coming to us humbly and without demand, receiving from us some small, simple items, and expressing their gratitude. I don’t know, and I can’t judge, how much of their sufferings and their station in life were caused by difficult circumstances rather than some attitude inside themselves or some unwise action they took. I am simply pointing out that we can learn from the gratitude of those who do not have.

Grateful people are prone to be happier people. Gratitude and entitlement cannot coexist in the same brain.

The Better Way

How can you change your thinking, feeling, speaking, and acting so that you do life in a way that actually works, without an attitude of entitlement? Consider these practical suggestions.

Know that needs and desires are good and are built into being human. If you want a successful life, you have to start off with desire and need. That’s not selfish; that’s just living in reality. Needs are how we survive, how we get resourced, and how we get prepared and equipped for making our mark in life. Desire is the emotional experience that helps point us to what we need.

Don’t overreact to the entitlement culture by trying to banish all your needs and desires. They keep you alive and engaged and provide a way to connect with God himself: “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

Let me clarify: The Hard Way is not the Drudgery Way. Don’t become discouraged, thinking that you must commit to a life of unending toil. Most people loved the idea of a book about the Hard Way as a cure for an entitlement mentality. They said, “Yes, that’s right, facing up to the hard things in life is a good way to life.” But a few of my friends disagreed. One of them, a business owner and a hard worker, said, “You can’t write a book like that! I hate the idea! I’m already hard on myself and perfectionistic. I choose hard things every day. I think about your book and say, More of this? Are you joking?”

God designed us both to face great challenges and to enjoy life. We should have fun, get creative, innovate, dream, recreate, and enjoy our hobbies. And we should rest. Here is what the Preacher of Ecclesiastes wrote:

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 8:15)

No conflict exists between the two. In fact, the enjoyment part fuels and energizes the challenge part. Hard Way living should include as much joy and happiness as it does hard work.

In fact, some of my more driven executives might find out that their Hard Way is to learn to chill out and be useless for a while! In the stillness and quiet, they would have to deal with their feelings of guilt, overcommitment, and codependency. Trust me: To a perfectionist, that is true Hard Way living.

Do what you can do for yourself. If you’re in a bad relationship, don’t allow yourself to think, I deserve for her to respect me. Think instead, This isn’t working. I’m responsible to stop this madness by having a hard talk and setting some limits, or maybe by seeing a counselor. When you see yourself as the primary agent of change rather than a person whose life is “on hold” until someone does right by you, you will take action.

As a corporate consultant, I have a habit that usually comes out at the end of the consulting day, during the executive summary session with the CEO. We review the agenda and what happened, and then we assign his or her action points and my action points. We don’t end the meeting until we both have our homework. Then problems get solved and growth develops.

Take responsibility to ask for what you can’t do for yourself. You aren’t self-sufficient and you aren’t bulletproof. You have needs you can’t meet by yourself. To get the life you need (not the life you deserve, right?), you will need to ask people for their time, attention, understanding, support, acceptance, advice, and resources.

Live a life of abundance and giving. The world isn’t a perfect place, but God still owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10). When you feel (or even actually are) deprived, you tend to go into “demand and deserve” thinking. Realize that even in terrible circumstances, God loves you and will help you. He has a way ahead that is good for you and for others.

I often think about what it’s like to say grace over a meal with my family or friends. Grace is the simple and humble act of thanking God for what he provides for us tangibly in our food, and intangibly in what the food symbolizes: his love, provision, and care. When I’m in the experience, all I feel is gratitude for his goodness, and there is no room for entitlement. This is how we are to be, every day, as God’s people — and as growing people.

Skills

1. Where have you most often seen the misuse of “I deserve” thinking? In the culture? In a family? A relationship? Listen for the term in everyday conversations. It will amaze you how often it gets said. Look deeper and discover the entitlement messages underneath that mentality.

2. List f ive things you need and desire in life and write a paragraph for each, beginning with, “I am responsible to get this need met by . . .” Then get creative and come up with ideas, habits, people, and resources that will help you get these needs met.

3. Consider five things you are responsible to do —not for yourself, but for others. We are responsible not just for our own welfare; we were created to love and serve others as well. Be specific: a charity you believe in, a child who needs more of your time, a relationship you need to reconcile, or a service you want to perform. True happiness is impossible without fulfilling our responsibilities to serve others.