chapter twenty-nine

Stupid, Cupid

‘Pay attention, this is complicated.

‘In chemistry and biology, there’s the law of osmosis. I don’t know if you remember it from school, but basically, say there are two substances that are separated by a semi-permeable membrane, you know, like a barrier that has tiny, tiny holes in it. If the molecules of the two substances are small enough, and there’s a very concentrated amount of the substance on one side and a slightly less concentrated amount of the substance on the other side, the side with less will attempt to move into the concentrated area through the holes in the barrier. You understand? Less will move into more.’

I nodded, not knowing where this was leading.

‘It’s the same with you, Ceri, but in reverse. You have so much love and affection and sexuality locked up inside yourself, it’s started to leak out. In the form of pheromones. As we both know from all that work you did on subliminal perception, there’s evidence to suggest that love and sexual attraction are governed by those tiny hormones called pheromones. With you, and the abundance I suspect there is of love and sexuality inside of you, it’s leaving the concentrated area that is you and dispersing into the outside world which has less. It’s osmosis in reverse. More is moving into less. You see, you’ve never really used that love and sexuality and affection inside you, so it’s being secreted out of your body as pheromones. Out where it’s needed.

‘Think about it, people think that negative emotions if internalised for too long can cause illness, well with you it’s love, a positive emotion. So love’s not going to cause illness, so it’s going outside to where it’s needed. And because you’ve never really used all that love and affection and sexuality, it’s been building up in your body and your body needs to let it out. The only way it knows how to release that pressure is to leak it through your pores. And, as you know, skin is a semipermeable barrier.

‘Everyone knows that women’s periods synchronise themselves once they live together for a time and the reason they do that is because of pheromones. What I didn’t know until I read your original degree thesis on subliminal perception was that when women live long-term with men, it’s been found that their periods become more regular – again as a result of pheromones.

‘Now, the main reason I think that what’s happening to you is mostly down to pheromones is Ed. Remember his predicament with his penis? I’ll wager you were extremely nervous for him, very worried that he wouldn’t be good enough for that date. You were probably sending out so many conflicting pheromones and vibes that his body subliminally picked up on it and he ended up in that state. Physically, his body wanted to be good enough and that was the only way it knew how to do it.’

Jess paused. ‘Are you following me so far?’

‘Yeah, sure, why not,’ I replied flatly.

She lit herself another cigarette, slowly breathed life into it.

‘All right, now, let’s link all this to what we know about Cupid philosophically. The Romans, who had Cupid as their god of love, needed a way to explain the often irrational ways that people behaved once they fell in love, the seemingly bolt-from-the-blue, narcotic state people experienced love as – hence they drew Cupid as having a bow and arrow. To get that “wham” thing across. Your love, affection and sexuality – released as pheromones – are hitting people like a bolt from the blue. That’s what Craig meant about you subliminally advertising sex. Your pheromones are, subliminally, like your bow and arrow, they encourage people to have sex.’

Jess paused. Smoked in silence.

‘Sticking with philosophy, I have to say, the way you behave is like the original philosophical incarnation of Cupid. The thing is, Cupid, the original Cupid, was a life messer-upper. He may well have been the god of love, but he’s only seen as all-good since the Christianisation of the Roman and Greek religions. The Christians couldn’t leave the god of love as a naughty entity who went around making people do things they wouldn’t normally do – so they fixed the stories and myths so that people falling in love with the wrong people were just cute little mistakes. Not huge great problems.

‘But the original incarnation of Cupid was quite disruptive. That’s what’s so true about you saying that you keep messing up people’s lives—’

‘No, I didn’t say that, it was everyone else who said that,’ I cut in.

‘OK,’ Jess conceded, ‘everyone else says that you mess up their lives, that since you’ve arrived things have gone wrong. Or, at least, have been disrupted. Disruptive, that’s what you are. You can’t help it. You turn up somewhere and lives are transformed. Wherever you go, people are experiencing that bolt from the blue, they are facing up to things, admitting their feelings, following their heart’s desire. And, it must be said, you do have this knack of making people open their hearts. You’ve always been like that.

‘Take me, for example. I keep in touch with my ex-students, but you’re the only one who has changed my life and made me a friend, influenced me. Made men fancy me. And that’s why, I reckon, you have very few lasting friendships. It’s as though once you’ve disrupted someone’s life long enough for them to make the necessary changes you move on. You don’t even realise you’re doing it. You’re like the Littlest Hobo, but with people’s hearts and minds.

‘I reckon it’s only come to a head now because you’re following your heart’s desire. And, I suppose, you’re releasing lots of happiness hormones out there. Showing everyone what’s possible when you do what your heart really wants you to do. But following your heart’s desire isn’t easy. In fact, it’s hell, the most disruptive thing you can do to your life. The reason why people keep coming to you, keep blaming you is because you’re modern-day Cupid. And you leave The Cupid Effect wherever you go.’

I let Jess’s words settle like dust around us. Let them soak into the atmosphere until the air was saturated with the nonsense she’d just come up with.

‘You’re insane,’ I said. ‘I thought I was mad, but you want locking up.’

Jess just smiled, lit herself another cigarette. ‘Sweetheart, your track record alone proves you’re Cupid. Look at the men in your life, I couldn’t believe half the things you told me the other week. And I’m sure there’ve been more of them. Ones that you’ve kept from me, but, after all that, with not even one decent relationship, without ever having experienced real love, you still believe in love. You’re still capable of love. You must be Cupid. Because only Cupid would take all that nonsense and still be the loving, caring soul you are. Most people give up over less, but not you. And you still have room in your life for everyone else’s dilemmas and problems.

‘Apart from everything I’ve just told you, probably the most damning thing of all is your name.’

I said nothing, waited for her to explain.

‘When you shorten your name to Ceri, you’re actually shortening it to a name that comes from the Welsh word meaning “love”. I don’t know where your parents got it from but your full name, Ceresis, comes from a very obscure and ancient Latin phrase which literally translated means “Heart’s Desire”. You’re actually called Heart’s Desire. How more modern a Cupid do you get than that?’

I turned from her to look outside at the trees, the sky, the world. Everything beyond the window was normal, the same, all right. Everything had changed and flipped and upended in here. I turned back to Jess.

‘D’you really believe that?’ I asked.

‘Absolutely,’ she said.

I nodded in reply. Nodded because I couldn’t speak.

Then burst into tears.