Josh ran his fingers under the water, waiting for it to warm. He only wanted to stand under the spray and see exactly how big their hot water heater was. Sara had had a long day, and he suspected she would sleep straight through the night. After he stood under the spray until his skin turned a bright shade of pink, he planned to make himself several sandwiches and enjoy some quiet time before sleep overtook him.
Maybe I should check on Sara one more time.
Josh shook his head. He did not need to check on Sara. She was asleep, and she did not need him to hover over her twenty-four hours a day. Besides, she knew where to find him if she needed something.
What about her stomach?
“There’s nothing I can do about that,” he murmured, ready to step into the welcoming water.
You’ll feel better if you look in on her.
Josh wondered if he was actually going insane. The urge to check on her constantly didn’t worry him, but the innate, undeniable sense he had to do something to fix her did. Even after a month, he couldn’t shake this persistent notion.
He wasn’t surprised when he tied a towel around his waist to go back into the hall. It always took at least three attempts before he could leave her in peace and find a little of his own.
He was surprised when he stepped out of the bathroom. Because he didn’t expect to see himself opening Sara’s bedroom door.
Josh reacted without thinking, launching himself across the hall and pushing Cam away from the door. He poked his head into the bedroom to see if Sara had been disturbed, but she was still deeply asleep. Shutting the door, he rounded on his double and hissed, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Cam straightened, but didn’t shift back. It wasn’t the first time Josh had addressed his own face, but it was the first time where it wasn’t a post-coital game instigated by Sara. And though he had asked the question, he knew exactly what was going through Cameron’s mind. At least, he recognized the need.
“Get out of the way, Josh.” It was a plea, as much as an instruction. “I have to do this.”
Josh planted himself firmly in front of the door. “No. You’re not going in there. Especially not looking like that.”
“You can’t stop me.”
Josh tensed. Cam was stronger than him, and they both knew it, even if Cam didn’t shift into some big animal with horrible teeth and claws. He wanted to think it wouldn’t come to a physical altercation, but he had never seen that particular look in Cam’s eye before. Or heard the low determination in his voice.
“Cam, think about what you’re doing. Have you really thought about this?”
“I’ve done nothing but think of it,” he hissed. “I think of how I have to tiptoe in the shadows, staying out of Sara’s way so I don’t scare her any more than she already is. I think of how she crawls into your bed every night, how she lets you hold her, and comfort her, and love her. And then I think of how I can’t even hold her hand, or touch her cheek, or push back her hair, all because she can’t stand the sight of me. So yes, I really have thought about this.”
“She’s scared of you because she doesn’t think she can trust you right now,” Josh countered, frustrated. “How much damage do you think you’ll do if you pull this stunt? How much do you think it’ll hurt her?”
Cam’s gaze flickered over Josh’s shoulder at the closed door. There was no mistaking the longing in his eyes; Josh saw it in his own every time he looked in the mirror. “She’s not going to know.”
“Maybe she won’t. Maybe you can get away with lying to her just this once. But what if she wakes up? Dammit, Cam, she, of all people, will know the difference.”
“And you, of all people, should know why I need to at least take that gamble.”
Josh wanted to back down. He wanted to let Cam have the one thing that would make him happy, because that’s all he ever wanted for Cameron. But the risk was too high. Cam still had a chance to reach Sara again, but not if he lied to her.
“I’m doing this for you, Cam. You may not believe me now, but you’ll see—”
The blow came out of the blue. Considering how highly strung Cam was, Josh should have anticipated it. As it was, he barely had time to duck his head as Cam swung, and the fist that would have smashed into his jaw slammed into his mouth instead. The force split his lip, and the coppery taste of blood hit his tongue.
Josh didn’t feel anything—not physical pain or the emotional shock of an attack he never thought would happen. But he did react instantly. Josh balled up his fist and struck Cam in the nose. When the other man doubled over, blood dripping on the carpet, he brought his knee up and connected with Cam’s midsection. It was a cheap shot, but he didn’t want to risk catching Cam’s fist with his face again.
“Cameron.” It was a plea and a warning—but not a threat. Josh had nothing to threaten him with. “You don’t want to let her see us like this.”
Cam didn’t look up. He stayed hunched over, sliding down the wall and sinking to the floor until his head rested in his hands and his fingers were knotted in his hair. His knuckles were white, the blood red where it dripped to the floor, and as Josh watched, his form changed, the shoulders broadening, the brown hair lightening.
But still, Cam didn’t look up.
“I just want to see her,” he whispered.
Josh wiped the back of his hand over his lip absently, smearing the blood on his mouth. Unwrapping the towel from around his waist, he knelt beside Cam. “I know you do. I know.” He gripped the back of Cam’s head. “Look up. You’re getting blood all over yourself.” Josh gently wiped the blood from Cam’s face, then held the towel against his nose. “But she talked to you again today. You had a good conversation. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but it was. It was a huge step for her.”
“We talked about cooking.” His voice dripped with bitterness. “She still won’t even accept my offer to make her favorite food. Yeah, that was a really big step.”
“But you talked. It’s not all you want, or need, but Christ, Cam. You talked to her. Think about all those nights you couldn’t sleep because you were missing her so much, and what you would have given for one more ten minute conversation about food.”
Though he still looked discontent, the memories Josh evoked were stronger than Cam’s frustration. There were too many of those instances when either of them would wake up and find the other staring up at the ceiling or worse; Josh still vividly remembered how long it had taken them to invade the space Sara had always filled in their bed. And just because Josh happened to be in a bed with her now, didn’t make it any better. The world only felt fully right when the three of them were together.
In spite of his assurances to Cam, he didn’t know if the world would ever feel fully right again.
“What have you talked to her about?” Cam asked. “Tell me she at least trusts you enough to talk about what happened.”
“She’s told me a little bit,” Josh said, focusing on the blood and not Cam’s eyes. How could a nose and a lip shed so much blood? “We’ve talked about what happened the day they took her. About her scars. Where they came from. She told me what the shifter did to her. How they used to…put her in a cage with him. To fight, except she wasn’t strong enough to defend herself.”
Cam swore under his breath, his face twisting into a pained grimace. “No wonder she hates me.”
“We need to make her understand that wasn’t you. I think she knows it intellectually, but she doesn’t really know it. That’s why we shouldn’t give her a single reason to doubt you, to doubt who you are. Not one.”
“So what am I supposed to do? Call her every day and talk about nothing until she agrees to see me?”
“Cam, I don’t know. We’re just sort of…making this up as we go.” He lowered the stained towel. “I think she’s sick.”
Cam’s head snapped up. “What? How? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. She won’t eat. I didn’t realize it at first, because she was eating when we went out. Except, she was barely eating anything at all. She’s constantly holding her stomach. She says she feels weird. Is it because of what she went through? An aftereffect of the sedatives? The standard flu? I would take her to the doctor, but it’s not safe.” He sat back on his heels, his hands falling to his side helplessly. “She probably should be in a hospital.”
“Is she running a temperature? Or getting sick?”
“No. Her temperature is normal, and she does keep the food down when she eats.”
“What about other pains? Headaches, her eyes hurting, fingers or toes tingling?”
“I…I don’t know,” Josh admitted. “Whatever she’s experiencing, physically, she won’t talk about it. The only reason I know about the stomach pain is because I’ve noticed her discomfort and tried to ask her about it.”
“She’s mentioned that when we’ve talked about food, too,” Cam said. “I’ve always thought it was just an excuse to get out of having to face me over dinner.” His frustration had been replaced with a more focused concern, his eyes dark with worry. “I know you said she hasn’t shifted since we got her out, but has she said anything about how long it’d been since she’d shifted at all?”
“She mentioned that it’s been a long time. She stopped as a defense mechanism, I think.” He looked up. “Do you think that’s making her ill?”
“No, I know it is. Damn it.” Pushing himself to his feet, Cam wiped at his nose almost distractedly, his brow furrowing as he stared at Sara’s closed door. “You have to get her to shift, Josh. The longer she goes without, the worse it’s going to get.”
“How?” Josh looked up from the floor. “They took her because she’s a shifter. From her story, I’m sure she was targeted. She mentioned doctors. Clipboards. If they were doing something because of her abilities, what can I do?”
“Have you asked her to do it?”
“I haven’t thought to,” Josh said softly.
Cam grabbed Josh’s arm and hauled him up, pushing him toward the door. “Go. Ask her to do it. Now.”
Josh didn’t even think to argue. Yes, she was finally asleep. No, he didn’t want to frighten or upset her. But this wasn’t like the earlier dispute. It wasn’t selfish need prompting Cam to issue orders; it was genuine concern. “Fine. I will. But wait out here.”
Releasing his hold, Cam stepped back, giving wide berth for Josh to go inside. “Shifting is the important thing. Just tell me what happens.”
Josh didn’t wake her immediately; naked and bloody probably would not contribute to her peace of mind. He pulled on his sweats and found another towel to wipe his lips until they were clean. Hopefully, she wouldn’t notice the swelling.
Easing himself to her side on the mattress, he watched her sleep for a few seconds before touching her face gently. “Sara? Sara, sweetheart, wake up.”
She sighed in her sleep and turned into the touch, her lashes fluttering open. “Hey.”
“Hey. I’m sorry. I wanted to let you sleep, but I need to ask you to do something for me.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No. Well, that’s what I need to find out.” He brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. “Sara, will you shift for me?”
She jerked as if she’d received an electrical shock. “Why?”
Josh hesitated, remembering what he told Cam about not lying to her. But she was already agitated, and he didn’t want to make it worse. “I was looking at some of my old notebooks. And I had a note about the detriments of not shifting. How it could make you sick, like the stomach pain you’ve been complaining about. Does that sound familiar?”
Slowly, Sara shook her head. “But that can’t be it. It’s just…I’m not used to the food. That’s all. It’s not about shifting.”
“Maybe it’s the food. But didn’t you say they were feeding you broth? Sara, you haven’t touched anything but soup and the occasional sandwich in the past three weeks. Why do you think it can’t be the shifting?”
“Because…” her eyes were luminous, shifting sideways as she worked for some kind of answer, “…it can’t,” she finished lamely.
“It can’t? Have you tried to shift at all in the past three weeks?”
“No. I don’t want to.”
“I know. But I’m worried.”
The lines between her brows softened, and she fell back against the pillow. “You worry too much.”
“I probably do. Can you humor me?” He smiled, as playfully as he could with his split lip. “I’ll pay you back the favor.”
She still looked unsure, but her sleepy state made her more susceptible to his persuasion, and she nodded after only a few moments. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, inhaling through her nose, and Josh pulled back, waiting for the change to come.
It didn’t.
The line returned, and Sara’s breathing quickened, her lips parting as she concentrated a little harder. The anxious knots in his stomach constricted as the seconds passed and nothing happened. When she finally opened her eyes and spoke, her whispered words weren’t even a surprise.
“I can’t.”
Josh wondered if her pain was the result of the physical change she couldn’t undergo, or the unconscious anguish she couldn’t even acknowledge.
“What can I do to help?” he asked, knowing he wasn’t the one to give it to her. That was Cam’s job.
Her tongue darted to moisten her dry lips. “Do you have to? I mean…maybe it’s a good thing I can’t shift.”
He thought about Cam, his concern that bordered on panic. “It’s not a good thing, Sara.” A thought occurred to him, but he shied away from it at first. It was one of the few areas of her life he never felt entirely welcome, though she never deliberately shut him out. “When was the last time you…changed into the hawk?”
“The day they took me. When I tried to escape. After that, I wasn’t going to let them see. I wouldn’t do that.”
“I understand.” He picked up her hand, wrapping his fingers around hers. “But it’s not a good thing you can’t shift. It’s not a good thing they took that away from you. It’s hurting you, Sara, but more than that, you need to shift to be happy. What are you going to do if you can never shift into a black hawk again?” Josh lifted her hand to his mouth, pressing a long kiss to her fingers before he added, “I think you should let Cam help you.”
She jerked, but Josh kept his grip firm, not letting her pull away. “I’ll do it myself. I’ll try harder.”
“Is that the way it works, Sara? Be honest with me. Be honest with yourself.”
Sara fell silent, her lashes ducking in guilt. Even though he’d been a part of their lives for five years now, there were still aspects only she and Cam were privy to. Josh had never pressed; their spirituality was something he wasn’t sure he’d ever understand. It didn’t make him happy, but he’d accepted it. Perhaps now that would finally work in their favor.
“If I can’t shift,” she finally said, “then there’s no reason for them to come after me again.” She looked up. “If I can’t shift, I’m safe.”
“I know why you think that’s true, but it’s not. If they took you because they wanted to know about shifters, this wouldn’t remove their curiosity. In fact, they’d…” Josh stopped, momentarily overwhelmed by the logical path he was following. “You’re going to be safe. I promise you that. But not because you deny an important part of your very existence.”
She offered a wan smile. “I would’ve thought you’d like it if I was more like you.”
“No. I never wanted you to be anything except who you are.”
Her eyes searched his; he wondered what it was she saw.
“You won’t leave if I do this?”
He squeezed her hand. “I won’t. I’m going to call Cam in now, okay?”
She looked to the door, swallowing once before nodding. “Don’t leave,” she repeated.
“Never.” He knew Cam was waiting breathlessly on the other side of the door. Josh hoped he had the good sense to clean his face while he was waiting. He barely raised his voice at all. “Cam? Can you come in here, please?”