Journal Entry 3: 05.10.2018
Why is it when you never want to see a person, all you do is see them?
Lucy is everywhere!
It’s like she’s stalking me, waiting around every corner, under every floorboard, behind doors. She’s obsessed with me. She just won’t let this past summer go. I’m sure she’s finding it very difficult to process in her pea-sized brain that her boyfriend chose me over her. Ex-boyfriend might I add.
EX.
As in not together anymore, broken up, never getting back together. In my experience, and it’s not like I’ve dated a lot of people (actually none except Rhys, if that’s what we’re doing), but I thought when two people break up both are free to date. I’m sure she moved on too over the summer, with lots of people likely, so why is she fixating on who Rhys is moving on with? Or maybe it’s nothing to do with him. But it’s all to do with me. She hates me. If Rhys had moved on with someone else, maybe she wouldn’t have minded. But me? I didn’t even know her before all this. I stayed out of her way, avoided her and her little minions whenever I could. Up until this summer, I’d never really thought about her, let alone said a bad word about her. She was just the pretty girl who shared a book with me in English two years ago, and someone I said ‘Hi’ to occasionally if we caught each other’s eye in the hallway.
Yet she’s going out of her way to bash me to everyone. She just loves to torture me at school. She shouts ‘Slut’ when I walk by then either looks away or pretends it was just a cough – is she five years old? And she deliberately nudges into me when we pass, sometimes with such force that it knocks me into the wall. Yesterday she intentionally threw the volleyball at my face then pretended that she was sorry by running over and fake-hugging me, while whispering in my ear: ‘Maybe that bump will improve your face. You can thank me later.’ Mr Simms even praised her for ‘checking on me, making sure I was OK’. Unbelievable. That girl is a professional at what she does.
What she doesn’t know – and this is quite funny – is that Rhys has been texting ME all week. Yes, he’s been showering me with texts, one almost every day, asking how I am, talking about the summer we had together, he even wrote: ‘I really enjoyed the summer with you. I didn’t want it to end.’
‘Didn’t want it to end?’ He may as well have said ‘I Love You Trina’!!!
Of course, I’ve been texting him back. I tried playing it cool, but honestly, I really like him. I’m done with games with boys – leading them on, not responding to their texts, kissing them at the weekend but ignoring them come Monday. Rhys is more mature than that, and since I’ve met him I’m more mature. This sounds so clichéd but he really does make me a better person. And maybe he did that for Lucy and now that they’re broken up she’s gone back to being who she really is.
I can’t wait for Lee’s party this Saturday. I’m going to go and look amazing just so Rhys notices me and finally acknowledges me in public, in front of all of his friends (and maybe a little to mess with her!). I’ll go shopping after school and pick up a new outfit from H&M – but leave the tags on of course because I can’t afford to actually buy it. I’ll return it all next week after I’ve aired it outside to get rid of any smoke smells. Hopefully someone won’t spill their drink on me because then I really will be screwed. How do you explain that? ‘Um, sorry, I was trying it on at home in my bedroom and I accidentally spilled my juice. Oh yes, it might smell of vodka and Coke but really it’s just Ribena’ (while smiling sweetly and holding the receipt in my hand).
I might try something different with my make-up too? Maybe tone down the black eyeliner a little, try the more natural look? No, not for Rhys, because I refuse to change for anyone, but for me. I don’t feel like I need so much make-up on anymore. My skin has cleared up a lot over the last year and when I look in the mirror I don’t entirely hate the person I see staring back. Actually, I’m feeling pretty confident these days. I’ve never been one to care about weight, or obsess over what size I’m buying in Topshop, and maybe that’s because I’ve never had an issue with my weight. I eat whatever I want.
Today I Ate:
– Breakfast: 2 chocolate frosted pop tarts and a milky coffee with 2 sugars
– Breaktime: a packet of salt and vinegar crisps, and 1 cigarette
– Lunch: a chip butty from the fish shop down the street, Coke and 1 cigarette (‘borrowed’ from Lee)
– After school: It’s only 5.10 p.m. and I’ve already had a Pot Noodle (Did you know the Chicken & Mushroom has no chicken in it?? It’s actually vegetarian! Vegan too, I think! Crazy, eh?!)
– Dinner: Not sure yet, whatever I can find in the freezer to stick in the oven for Mum and me but guaranteed there won’t be veggies anywhere on our plates!
I always laugh at girls who pick at salads and fruit at lunchtime at school, thinking that if they get fat no boy will want them. Saying that, I know how shallow boys can be, so wouldn’t put it past them.
Except for Rhys. Not Rhys. He doesn’t care about that stuff. He’s different :)
I just hope he doesn’t believe all the rumours that go about school. And there’s always rumours. Last year, Fisher told everyone that we had sex at Sara’s party. No, we kissed and that was it. Believe me, that was enough! He tasted like the inside of a toilet! But he spread that rumour around and no doubt everyone believed him. Who cares? I don’t. If telling lies about girls makes him feel like a man, then I pity him.
Besides, a month later he accidentally blew up the bunsen burner in his chemistry class and burned the front part of his hair! It was amazing! He had to shave his head, it was so bad!!!
HAHAHAHA!
He called me a slut in front of his friends when I laughed at him. Speaking of, someone wrote TRINA DAVIS IS A SLUT in the first-floor toilets again.
That’s the best you can come up with, Lucy?
Very original. Assuming it’s her anyway – who else would it be?
Not that I thought that much of her imaginative skills or overall intellect anyway. OK, fine girls like that always get into uni, and girls like me don’t. Lucy ticks off about ninety per cent of that uni list.
Actually, let’s see that list again:
University – Further Education – is for people who:
1. Read William Shakespeare – last May, Lucy demanded to play the lead in Romeo and Juliet in the end-of-year school play, and guess what? GOT it without even needing to audition
2. Drink tea in the afternoons, especially if it comes with a scone – OK, I can’t prove this one, but I’m sure she does this
3. Write with a pen that has a fluffy thing on the top – if I have to see her pink and gold feather pen one more time, I’m going to rip the feather off and feed it to her!!
4. Post photos of their parents – and they actually look normal, and HAPPY! – oh look, right there on Facebook: Mummy, Daddy, Lucy, and little cute cocker spaniel Jack…Jack? I’m surprised she didn’t call him Fluffy or Doodles or something like that
5. Detail volunteer work experience at elderly homes and children’s hospitals on their profile – tick
6. Use the term ‘extra-curricular activities’ on their CVs…for people who have CVs! – tick
7. Have a five-year-plan that includes getting married and buying a fancy breed dog – again, I can’t literally prove this, but I’d bet my life on it. So I’m giving that a tick.
8. Make daily ‘To Do’ lists – she even has a ‘To Do’ List notepad with a fridge magnet attached!! She carries it around everywhere then sits it on the table in the Caf as if some miraculously intellectual thought will spring to mind mid-lunch and she’ll just HAVE to write it down in case she (gasps!) forgets!
9. Colour-coordinate their school folders – seen this, TICK!
10. Season-coordinate their wardrobe – urgh!!! Triple tick!
But maybe at the end of the day, she’ll be laughing at me. Because when school ends, she’s out of here. She can pack her bags and skip off to uni anywhere in the world. And me? I’m stuck here. I can’t leave Mum by herself. I’ll get a proper full-time job and start helping her with the bills. The debt just keeps piling up, and she pretends as if it’s not urgent right now but it is. The red letters on the envelopes tell me ‘URGENT’.
But until real-life smacks me in the face, I’ll enjoy being a teenager for a little longer. Until then, I’ll continue being me, even if some girls at school think that writing ‘Slut’ on the toilet door will bring me down – because it won’t.
I mean, yeah, of course it hurts a little. I don’t want everyone thinking that, but it is what is. That’s what my mum always says, ‘Not everyone is going to love you, Trina. But it is what it is.’
I never used to be like this. I never used to care what girls at school thought of me or whether boys liked me. Yes, I enjoy wearing skirts a little shorter than the other girls, yes, I like low-cut tops and lace bras, but what bothers me is when people assume that I’m doing it to look good for a boy. I do it for me. I’m confident in myself, and if my confidence makes someone else jealous or question their own self-esteem, then sorry but I’m not going to change. This is who I am. I could never imagine pretending to be someone I’m not for a boy. I like Rhys A LOT but if he asked me to change, I’d tell him where to go. I’m not changing for anyone. I’m happy with who I am, and I will never be put down by any girl or any guy.
Speaking of, heard another rumour today (no surprises here though) that Steve cheated on Sophia Greer last weekend. I doubt it was the first time either. People like Steve don’t change. I do feel bad for Sophia though. She seems really nice. And I mean genuinely nice, not fake nice. Wish I’d got to know her more this year, especially since we’re in study period at the same time. But as my mum says, ‘it is what it is’. Maybe we still can get to know each other. It’s only October. There’s still time. She’s good friends with Ulana. I wish I still was. Maybe I wouldn’t have such a reputation at school had Ulana and I stayed friends. But people change, I guess, drift apart. That’s what happened with us, I think. Or maybe she drifted away from me. I never found another friend like her after that. But then again, I’ve never really been the type of girl that has lots of girlfriends. I’ve always got on better with guys. Less drama. Less competition. Less…well, everything. Girls can be mean, girls gossip…
I still wish I had a close girlfriend though. Don’t tell anyone I said that.