Their whispers follow me down the hallway. Their heads turn when I pass. Their eyes drop down when I turn to face them. I float through the halls like I’m dreaming. Bodies skim my shoulder but I’m numb to their touch. I move in slow motion while those around me are stuck in a movie, succumbing to the fast-forward button. It’s like that dream where no matter how fast you move, how far you travel, you can never reach your destination. You’re just short of making it to the end. And just when you think you’re going to succeed, just when you think you’re almost there, you wake up. That’s me. I’ve just woken up. But not from a dream. No. This is a nightmare.
Rage courses through me like I’ve never felt before. My body is on fire. I hate her. And not the kind of hate someone carries for a short time before they forget all about it because they believe life to be too short to hold grudges. No. I HATE her. The kind of hate I have with me right now is the kind that will last forever because it’s fuelled from deep within, from a place that I hope never experiences hatred like this again.
I don’t want her to die. That would be too easy. I want Trina Davis to suffer. I want her to suffer so much that she begs me to stop. And I won’t. Not ever.
It’s only a matter of time before my parents find out from social media that their seventeen-year-old daughter is pregnant…was pregnant. Because at that point, the… It…will be terminated, and I can go back to living my normal life as it was before this.
But can I?
Lily barely looked at me in Attendance today and left me to walk to class by myself for the first time ever. I never walk through these halls alone. I always have my friends by my side, attached to my hip, some might even say. But not today. Today I walk alone. And this is Trina’s doing.
My hands tremble as I reach the big grey doors of the cafeteria. This is ridiculous. This is my school. My cafeteria. No one makes me feel like this. Especially not her. I take a deep breath, letting the air fill my lungs and expand my chest, and push the doors open.
Faces turn to watch me as I push through the crowd, whispers, eyes, even the odd smirk. Then I don’t have to struggle through anymore, because the crowd parts for me. My heart beats wildly. I’m an animal at the zoo. Spectators circle around me, pointing, marvelling at the animal, once free and untamed, that stands here submissively, tail between legs.
I find Cara, Lily, Mollie and Lee sitting at our table in the back. They already have their lunch trays, but no one is eating. They huddle together looking at Lee’s phone screen. Cara glances up and sees me. She elbows Lee and he promptly slides his phone into his coat pocket.
‘Hey,’ I say, inching towards the chair that I always sit in.
‘Um, hey,’ Lee replies.
Lily waves. Cara does her fake half smile. And Mollie just stares at Lily and Cara, wondering what her greeting should be. In the end, she does nothing, she just goes back to dunking her carrots in her hummus dip.
My body edges into the chair but I sit forward, in case I need to stand quickly. ‘What’s going on?’ My voice sounds too high. Too weak. They’ll see right through me.
Lily shrugs. ‘Not much.’
‘Anything you want to tell us?’ Cara leans into the table, closer to me.
Here we go. ‘I suppose you’ve seen Trina’s Facebook posts and that’s what this is all about? Well, none if it is true.’
‘Really?’ Lily shakes her head. ‘Because there were photos of you leaving the clinic. And, well, now that she mentions it, you do look a little…a little…’
‘Rounder,’ Mollie shrugs, a carrot dropping from her fingers onto the table. She picks it up, blows off any potential dirt from the sticky tray, then dunks it into the tub of hummus beside her.
‘I’m not pregnant!’
People turn to locate the drama and immediately spot me at the centre. They shuffle closer, leaning in, straining to hear all the juicy details.
‘You definitely look like you’re pregnant,’ Lee says.
My cheeks are warm and my mouth suddenly feels dry. My tongue sticks to the sides of my mouth, desperate for moisture.
‘If it’s not true then why were you at the Family Planning Clinic? And why didn’t you tell us? Aren’t we your best friends? Do you know what it feels like to find this out over social media?’ asks Cara.
‘I wasn’t at the Family Planning Clinic. Trina obviously followed me, and then took a photo of me walking past it. I was outside it – not inside it. This is all part of her tricks. She’s just playing all of you—’
‘Sounds like a lot of excuses, if you ask me,’ Lily mutters loudly.
‘Well, no one is asking you!’ I’ve had enough. I’m not sitting through one more question. I push back my chair until it hits the wall behind me. When I turn to storm out, I bump into Euan and Steve. Steve smirks at me, so I put my hands up and shove him hard. But not hard enough.
‘Whooa!’ he laughs, stumbling back into a chair. ‘Somebody’s hormones are out of control!’
Euan jumps to my side and dramatically pretends to part the crowd. ‘Baby coming through, move out the way! Baby coming through!’
A large group of people erupt in laughter, a few others cover their mouths, too shocked to respond any other way. Past the crowd, beyond the taunts, the jeers, the jibes, I see Ulana. She holds the cafeteria door open and waves me over. I see my exit. My escape. Swiping my arms, I propel myself forward towards her. She stands to the side of the doorframe, and ushers me through to safety. I hesitate at the doorway, knowing I should thank her, or at the very least apologise for talking about her behind her back, or for posting comments about her best friend online. But the words ‘I’m sorry’ get stuck in my throat, unfamiliar and foreign to me. So I push past her also and hurl my body down the hall and out the main door.
I hear the school receptionist calling my name, asking me to come back. But I don’t turn back. I can’t. I know exactly where I’m going.
It’s not the second bell yet. I know exactly where Trina Davis will be right now.
I cut through the woods to loop around the building. Mud kicks up around my ankle boots, staining the yet untreated beige suede, but I don’t care. Low hanging branches scratch at my face, autumn leaves still hanging on dotted with amber flecks. A light rain falls softly around me and catches in my long hair. The cold cuts right through me. Tiny goose bumps spread all over my bare legs. My black pleated skirt lifts and flaps slightly in the wind. The trail forks, the left going up, deeper into the woods, away from prying eyes, while the right goes down the hill and spills out into the alleyway at the back of the building.
I find her exactly where I knew she’d be. Standing in the alleyway behind the chemistry labs, cigarette in hand. She smokes beside another girl. But when she sees me, she elbows Trina and then rushes off, away from the volcano about to erupt.
I grab Trina before she’s even turned around and shake her wildly. Her cigarette drops to the ground by her feet, and her shoulder bag slips off and catches at her wrist. I end the shaking with a heavy shove and see her collapse down on the ground. She looks different today. Gone is the short skirt, V-neck top too low. Today she wears a baggy school jumper, frayed at the sleeves, and a pair of black ripped jeans. Even her make-up is gone.
Another girl leans against the wall, pulls out a cigarette box and slides another out. She rummages around for a lighter.
‘Do you want to be next?!’ I scream at her.
The cigarette drops from her agape mouth.
‘Then go inside!’
She fumbles for her bag strap, grips it in her palm, and rushes down the alleyway towards the door. I don’t need another audience. This is between me and Trina, no one else. This ends today.
When I turn back, Trina is on her feet again, smoothing down her too-long jumper, which is now muddy and wet from the puddle where she landed.
I run at her again and push myself into her. She wriggles out from my grasp, but doesn’t touch me. My hand grips onto her wrist as I pull myself up. My elbow collides with her ribs, and she groans and staggers back. But again she doesn’t touch me, or reach for me, or fight back in any way.
‘I’m not fighting you.’
‘Too scared?’ I say, running at her again.
She shifts out of the way but grabs my arm to steady me so I don’t hit the wall. I shoulder her off me. Face damp from the rain and sweat, I stop to catch my breath. Why won’t she fight me? My chest heaves in and out, rising up and out then falling heavily.
She grabs her bag and heads up the trail, deeper into the woods.
‘Don’t you dare walk away from me!’ I follow her, but her steps are faster than mine. ‘Hey!’ I walk faster, then start jogging a little. ‘I’m not finished yet!’
‘Go away!’ she yells, without slowing down or turning back.
‘No! I’m not going anywhere! Do you have any idea what you did to me in there?’
‘Nothing worse than what you’ve done to me!’
Her steps quicken and I fumble on the path, trying to keep up.
‘You posted a photo of me coming out of the Family Planning Clinic! Everyone saw!’
‘You spread rumours about me from Lee’s party! Everyone called me a slut! You wrote my name on the toilet cubicles, you even posted a photo of me drunk from the party implying that I was asking for it!’
‘You were! I only told the truth!’
She spins round, her eyes wild. ‘You don’t know anything about the truth! You have no idea what happened at that party!’
‘Everyone knows what happened at that party!’
‘You only think you know what happened. But you’re wrong. I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t say that it was OK! I said no to him and he forced me!’
‘What are you saying?’ I ask, moving closer to her.
She tucks one side of her hair behind her ear, exposing four different piercings along the lobe. One earring has a pink stone, while another is a silver bar that pops out at an awkward angle. ‘Forget it. Just forget I said anything.’ She marches ahead, leaving me to chase after her again.
‘You’re lying! You’re just saying that to play the victim because—’
‘Don’t you dare call me a victim!’ she screams behind her, tossing the words into the rain and letting them hit me. ‘You wouldn’t understand, and you certainly don’t care. All you care about is yourself.’ She turns and stands tall on a raised lip in the trail. ‘You’re a selfish, pathetic—’
A deep groan escapes my mouth, as I grip the trunk of a tree beside me to steady my balance.
‘Lucy?’
My hand hurts from pressing into the bark so hard. Sharp splinters dig into my palm, but I don’t let go. It hurts too much. My chest tightens and I struggle to fill my lungs with air. Sharp pain explodes low in my belly. I grit my teeth and lean over. The pain. It’s too much.
Trina is suddenly standing over me, her hand on my shoulder. ‘Lucy?’
I open my mouth to tell her to leave me alone, but the words don’t flow out. They get stamped out by the scream I never felt coming.
The pain.
It’s too much. It’s too…
Please stop the pain.
‘What should I do?’ She sounds panicked. Scared. Lost. ‘Lucy, what should I do? I don’t know what to do?’ She’s crying. Or is it me? Are those my tears?
‘I’m going to get help!’
‘No!’ I grab her wrist and pull her close to me. I’m on my knees, huddled into a ball. There’s blood. My blood. I’m bleeding. ‘Don’t…please…’ I spit and splutter with the words.
‘What? Tell me?’
‘Don’t leave me!’ I scream out, as the pain rips through my middle.
‘OK. OK.’ She pulls out her phone but I don’t know who she’s calling. Her words are muffled, panicked bursts of half-formed sentences and scrambled rants. She tosses her phone on the ground by my bag and drops to her knees beside me. ‘Help’s coming.’
‘Don’t leave me,’ I say again as I fold into her arms, still tucked into a ball.
She cradles my head. ‘I’m not leaving, I promise.’ Her hands brush the hair from my face, and gently she strokes the strands. ‘I won’t leave you, Lucy.’
‘Trina, I—’
‘Shh. Don’t say anything. It’s OK. I’m right here.’
It’s so hot out here. My body is on fire. Every part of me burns with searing hot pain. My eyelids are suddenly heavy. Fatigue sweeps over me like a wave and takes me in its grip. The last thing I see before darkness takes me is Trina’s face. The last thing I hear are her words, gentle and soothing.