What Happened to Happily Ever After?

IT’S DARK IN the home. It ought to be—it’s 1:00 a.m. The married couple is in bed, both sleeping soundly. Suddenly, the man stirs and shakes the woman awake.

Oh, she knows what he’s talking about. She’s just stalling for time, trying to get him off track. She harbors a very faint hope that maybe he’ll realize the tacky, inappropriate, and absurd situation he’s putting her in.

Is this how she reacts? I don’t think so. She’s disgusted. Not surprised, but disgusted. Her response is usually more along these lines:

Whether this couple has sex or not, the wife feels used. She’s not prepared in any way to be a cooperative, interested participant. She feels like nothing more than a filling station!

Sound familiar, ladies? I’ll bet it does. If it’s any consolation, your man isn’t the only husband groping in the middle of the night. Many wives have experienced the sexual thrill of the late-night, early-morning Casanova.

Of course, as a highly trained Christian psychologist who conducts marriage seminars around the country, I would never engage in such crude, selfish behavior. When I’m ready for sex, I notify Sandy three days in advance with a romantic card on her pillow. On the day of sex, I clean the entire home from top to bottom, help the kids with their homework, cook the evening meal, and then make sure the kids are confined to their rooms. I lead my queen into the boudoir, where she is greeted by soft music and rose petals scattered on the bed.

All right, that’s enough. I’m making myself sick. The truth is, I don’t always do a great job asking Sandy for sex. I have improved in preparing her for making love, but I have to admit I have been guilty of midnight and early-morning touching.

Sex is just one area where I—and the rest of the men reading this—have exhibited classic male selfishness. The husband is usually not selfish in a mean-spirited, pathological way. He’s not consciously and with evil intent trying to hurt his wife. His tendency to think of himself and his needs first is a genetic, automatic mechanism built into his male brain. Unfortunately he does hurt his precious wife—over and over again—with his selfishness.

Men, it’s time to stop this selfishness. And I will begin my attack on the problem with some examples of selfishness from my own life.

I’m like many men. My mother unintentionally fostered my selfishness by spoiling me. From my birth through my high-school years, she did my laundry. She cooked my meals and supplied me with my favorite snacks. She carted me to all my sports and other activities. She nursed me when I was sick.

No, not really. But her caring behavior did play a part in programming my already selfish male brain to think of myself first and expect a woman to meet my needs.

Here’s an example of Mom’s influence. Early in our marriage, Sandy and I were enjoying grapefruit for breakfast one morning. We were each eating half a grapefruit, using spoons to scoop out the little sections.

I said, “Sandy, isn’t it neat how the grapefruit has these little spoon-sized sections you can just scoop out? It’s so convenient and easy. I guess it’s just one of God’s little miracles.”

I replied, quite innocently, “You know, the grapefruit has these small, ready-to-eat sections.”

Sandy laughed out loud, nearly choking on a grapefruit wedge. “Dave, the grapefruit doesn’t come off the tree sectioned. Someone has to use a knife and section it by hand. I sectioned your half twenty minutes ago, before you came to the table.”

Boy, did I feel dumb. You see, my mom always had sectioned my grapefruit for me. I took that for granted, never seeing the work that caused it to happen. My meals appeared on the table. My laundry appeared in my bureau drawers. My chauffeur took me where I wanted to go. I took it all for granted. I got used to having all these jobs done for me. Why, I deserved this kind of service, and my mom seemed happy to do it.

Here’s a clever and incredibly selfish strategy I have followed for years: Never completely empty any container of food so you won’t have to throw it out, clean the container, replace the food item, or be accused of eating food someone else wanted.

I never finish a box of cereal. I leave a handful of crumbs and shavings so someone else is forced to finish it, throw out the box, and put cereal on the grocery list. Brilliant, isn’t it? I walk away free and clear. I follow the same strategy for milk, chips, cookies, any food in a bag, and leftovers. Believe me, leaving three green beans on a plate in the refrigerator takes guts. I’ve even been known to leave one or two squares of toilet paper on the roll so I don’t have to replace it. Sick, isn’t it?

Speaking of being sick, that’s when I’m really at my selfish best. For me, being struck by an illness, even if it’s just the sniffles, is a major event. I act as though I’ve contracted smallpox and am barely hanging on to life. I want the whole world to stop for me. I want sympathy. I want attention. I want to be served. I don’t want anyone to expect me to do any chores during my recovery. I want Sandy to kindly and lovingly nurse me back to health. Is that so wrong?

Another shocking example of my selfishness occurred when Sandy was pregnant with our fourth child, William. It was a bit of a surprise. OK, it was a shock. But we recovered nicely and even began discussing the pros and cons of having a fifth child. After about ten seconds, we decided that four would be enough. But something had to be done, and quickly, or we’d end up with seventeen kids. All I had to do was look at Sandy and she became pregnant.

I naturally assumed Sandy would get her tubes tied after delivering William. I mean, wouldn’t that be the easiest solution? Most of our friends had done that and seemed perfectly happy about it. Besides, how could a man who falls apart when he gets a cold possibly survive an operation where a very sharp object is used to cut his private parts? And this happens while he is fully conscious. It’s barbaric! It’s wrong! It’s not fair! It’s terribly painful! It’s too expensive! (I wonder how many men have died from vasectomies.)

I was thinking all this, but fortunately I didn’t say any of it to Sandy. I’ll never forget the brief conversation we had when we decided on a permanent birth-control solution:

SANDY: You’re thinking I’m going to have my tubes tied, aren’t you?

ME: [Being a moderately intelligent man, I said nothing.]

SANDY: I’ve been through three pregnancies. I carried each child for nine months and endured the extreme pain of three deliveries—pain you would never even remotely understand. I dealt with all the aches and pains and changes in my body. And now I’m pregnant for the fourth time and will do it all over again. I ask you, Dave, what do you think we should do to prevent all this from happening a fifth time?

ME: [In times of crisis and confusion and when Sandy has that certain look on her face, I’ve always found it helpful to go with this question.] What do you think, dear?

SANDY: You’ll get a vasectomy two weeks from today. Here’s your appointment card. Good luck!

ME: Yes, ma’am. That was just the solution I was considering. Thank you for setting it up so quickly.

Even though I knew the vasectomy procedure was a piece of cake and nothing like vaginal delivery pain, I still had to milk it for all it was worth. I mean, I did go under the knife for my woman. I suffered pain for her. I was her birth-control hero. Actually Sandy did appreciate my effort and allowed me to get a little mileage out of my two-day recuperation. (It hurt for only a few hours, but she didn’t need to know that.)

Looking back over the years of my marriage, I’ve been undeniably selfish in the area of entertainment. I have controlled the television remote. I have watched too many hours of sports on television. I have chosen to play golf and go to sporting events with the guys when that time would have been better spent with Sandy and the kids.

Men like to have fun, and they tend to spend too much time indulging themselves in their hobbies: surfing the net, playing video games, watching sports on television, playing softball, shooting hoops, golfing, bowling, hunting, fishing, skiing, working out at the gym, reading the newspaper . . .

You’d think there would be no defense of selfishness. Oh, there is. In the dialogue box you’ll find some common male justifications for selfish behavior, followed by my usual responses to them.

THE DIALOGUE

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HUSBAND: I work hard for a living.

ME: Who doesn’t? Your wife is working just as hard as you are, and she needs your help. Besides, the Bible says your most important job is meeting the needs of your wife.

HUSBAND: I’m doing my share around the home. I carry my weight around here.

ME: What you think doesn’t really matter. What matters is what your dear wife thinks. She’s the one you need to please. When she says you’re doing your share, you’re doing your share.

HUSBAND: I do more than my dad did and more than a lot of guys I know.

ME: Your wife isn’t married to your dad or these other guys, is she? Comparing yourself to other husbands is just a way to avoid facing the reality that you’re not meeting your wife’s needs.

HUSBAND: I don’t hang out in bars, drink like a fish, use drugs, or chase women.

ME: Yeah, well, I hope not. I’ll bet you’re not a serial killer, either. You want credit for that? Your wife has higher expectations of you.

HUSBAND: I can never please her. Nothing is ever good enough for her.

ME: Well, we won’t know until you try, will we? You’re probably doing things you think she needs. And you are probably wrong. Put together two months of solid effort meeting her actual, verbalized needs, and then we’ll see if she’s pleased.

HUSBAND: She’s not thankful for what she has. Lots of women would love to have the life she has.

ME: I’m not sure there would be a line out the door. I know living with you is a tremendous privilege, but that isn’t the point. The point is, are you meeting her needs on a regular basis?

There are five central reasons for the selfish streak in men. One, it’s a guy thing. We’re born this way. Two, our dads probably modeled selfish behavior. Three, our moms probably modeled acceptance and enablement of our dad’s selfishness. Four, our moms catered too much to our needs and spoiled us. Five, our wives feed our selfishness by being too caring and nurturing.

Whatever the reasons, now is the time for change. When we focus too much on our needs, we fail to notice and meet our wives’ needs. And that’s wrong. Our selfishness hurts our wives and causes us to violate God’s Ephesians 5:25 command: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” Christ sacrificed everything, including His life, for the church. Husbands, we are to sacrifice everything, including our selfish interests, for our wives. Their needs are more important than our needs.

Being selfish for the first part of your marriage is not a crime. Staying selfish is a crime. I have worked hard, and am still working hard, to change my selfish behavior and meet Sandy’s needs. Now it’s your turn.

The husband will often assume his wife is happy and satisfied if no obvious problems or disturbances are interrupting his comfortable lifestyle. He thinks to himself, Hey, if she’s cooking meals, doing the chores, taking care of the kids, and having sex with me, things must be OK.

The husband, in his selfish way, will make this assumption: If I’m happy, she’s happy.

The light may begin to dawn if the woman holds a gun to his head and says, “It’s all over, Slimeball. I’m taking you out.” At this point, the man will realize a problem exists: Oh, I think she’s a little unhappy with our relationship.

Husband, do not assume your woman is happy and feeling loved. She could be dying inside. The fact that she continues to do the chores, cook, and have sex does not mean you are meeting her needs.

The typical husband truly believes he knows what his wife’s needs are, and he’s confident he’s doing a terrific job meeting them. He’s shocked to find out in my therapy office that he has no clue what her needs are and that he’s not even close to meeting them.

I say the same thing to all the husbands I see in therapy: “Your wife defines whether or not you meet her needs, not you. If she says you’re not meeting her needs, you’re not meeting her needs. The only way to know her needs is to ask her . . . frequently.”

Stop assuming you know her needs, and ask her. Not asking is like throwing darts in a pitch-dark room. You have no idea where the dartboard is! You must ask her often because she’ll change her mind. She is an emotional, moody, and unpredictable creature.

Ask her in the morning, before you go your separate ways. Say, “Honey, what are your needs today? What can I do for you today?” We hope she’ll be telling you what her needs are, but you ask anyway. When you ask, have a writing pad handy and jot down her needs. You use lists for your job, don’t you? This is your most important job, so keeping a list shouldn’t require a second thought.

You may choose to not write down her needs. Then you are sure to forget. She’ll be upset that you forgot. She’ll be upset that you didn’t meet her needs. You’ll be upset because she’s upset. You’ll have to spend the evening listening to her vent, saying you’re sorry forty-five times, and trying to reassure her that you do love her. Or you may write down her needs and spend a pleasant evening with a warm, loving woman whose needs have been met by her loving husband.

By phone, ask her at lunchtime or in the early afternoon, “Sweetheart, have your needs changed since this morning? Can I do anything else for you today?” Again, write down any changes or additions on your pad. She’ll love the fact that you called because it reveals that you’re thinking about her. And you’ll catch any new needs she may have.

Ask her in the evening as soon as you see her, “Sweetheart, I love you. What can I do for you tonight?” Jot down her needs and spend the first part of the evening taking care of them. With any luck, one of the requests may be, “Make wild love to me after the kids are in bed.” If you’re asking for and meeting her needs on a daily basis, this kind of request will not be out of the question.

Ask her just before bed, “Honey, do you know what your needs will be tomorrow?” On your pad, jot down what she says. That’s a nice, loving way to end the day.

Husband, I know what you’re thinking: “You’re kidding, right? No husband I know asks for his wife’s needs four times a day and writes them on a pad.” No, I’m not kidding. True, very few husbands do what I am suggesting. Those who don’t are the ones with unhappy, resentful, and cold wives. Those who do are following the example of Jesus: “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve” (Matt. 20:28).

Your wife suffers when she thinks you ignore her and don’t explain why you don’t meet her needs. It’s a double whammy. Her needs go unmet—that’s one whammy. She has no explanation for why they went unmet—that’s the other whammy.

The woman wants to know why. Not knowing bothers her. If it bothers her, sooner or later it will bother you. She may not mean to make you pay for your lack of information, but you will pay.

Sir, when your woman asks you to meet a need or when you ask her what she needs, train yourself to respond as soon as possible in one of two ways.

Write down, immediately, her need and your plan for meeting it. Make sure your wife agrees with your plan. This procedure provides your wife with peace of mind and security. It also ensures you won’t blow it and fail to come through.

• “I’ll call the plumber before noon today and schedule him to come to the house tomorrow between three and four.”

Remember, when you say you’ll do something for your woman, you’ve made a promise. If you don’t do it the way you said you’d do it or when you said you’d do it, she’ll feel betrayed. Trust is damaged. She’ll feel unloved and unimportant. You’ll have to spend time doing damage control.

Your wife needs to know why the answer is no. Don’t leave her hanging. Tell her right up front your reason for not meeting one of her needs. If you say yes but later realize you won’t be able to meet a need, tell her as soon as possible the reason you can’t do it. For example, say:

You may well have a legitimate reason to say no. You are far better off saying no with an explanation than saying yes and not coming through. No with an explanation gives her closure, and she can drop it. A woman without closure is not a pretty sight! She’ll keep picking at you or stay hurt inside about it.

Ask your wife on a regular basis how effectively you’re meeting her needs. You have to get feedback to do a good job. So when you’re learning this new system, ask her every day how you’re doing: “Am I meeting your needs, honey? How can I improve?”

Even after you’ve gotten the hang of it, ask her for feedback every few days. At a minimum, ask her once a week for an evaluation. This keeps you on track and is a great way to express love for her. Then act on her feedback.

As men, we all tend to be selfish. Without realizing it, we hurt our wives by meeting our own needs and largely ignoring their needs. It’s time for change. As we identify and meet the needs of our wives, our marriages will get a lot better.

1. Husband, can you admit that you tend to be selfish? Tell your wife some recent examples of your selfishness.

3. What are your reasons or excuses for acting in selfish ways? Which excuses from the Dialogue section have you used?

4. Where does your selfish behavior come from? Did you learn it growing up in your home? What kind of selfish behavior did your dad model for you? Did your mom cater to you? Has your wife enabled your selfish behavior?

5. How do you think you’re doing meeting your wife’s needs? After you give your assessment, ask your wife how she thinks or feels you’re doing.

6. Are you willing to follow the strategy I describe at the end of the chapter for asking what her needs are? Right now, ask your wife for a list of needs for tomorrow, and jot them down on your pad. Be sure to tell her your plan and timetable for meeting her needs. Agree to meet tomorrow evening to talk about how effectively you met them.