What Happened to Happily Ever After?

REMEMBER HOW CINDERELLA endured all the terrible, cruel treatment from her mean stepmother and her worthless stepsisters? She slaved away all day, doing every menial and thankless task in the house. Her performance was never good enough, and she often had to do jobs over again. Her family constantly criticized and belittled her. No one cared about her needs.

Through it all, Cinderella kept her cheerful attitude and continued serving her nasty relatives with barely a word of complaint. She always believed things would just work out someday and that the prince would carry her off to his castle.

Cinderella’s story is a fairy tale, but I believe it has deeper meaning. Chances are very good that you are living out this story in your marriage. How so, you ask? This is how: You are allowing your husband to mistreat you, and you’re doing nothing about it. You are today’s version of Cinderella, continuing to be the best wife you can be in the face of poor treatment from your husband. You hope and pray for change, but you take no action to create that change.

The odds of your husband suddenly and miraculously treating you better are about as good as the odds of Cinderella getting the prince. I know she did get the prince, but hers is a completely fictional story. A fantasy! Unless you do something, your husband will continue to treat you with a lack of sensitivity, understanding, and love.

Here’s my definition of mistreatment by a husband: any violation of biblical instruction about his role as a husband. Here are six biblical roles your husband is to fulfill:

2. To lead you in every area (Eph. 5:23–24) as a Christlike servant (Matt. 20:28; John 13:3–5)

3. To treat you softly, gently, and with tender care (1 Pet. 3:7; 1 Cor. 7:33; Col. 3:19)

6. To constantly build you up with compliments and encouraging words (Prov. 31:28–29; Song of Songs)

If he fails to treat you as these verses instruct him, he is mistreating you. I know these standards are high, but they describe the way God wants your husband to act toward you.

Verbal mistreatment includes criticism that is not constructive but offensive. It includes personal attacks on your character, behavior, or appearance. Sarcasm. Belittling, demeaning comments. Raising his voice to you in anger. Swearing. Name-calling. Mocking. Mentioning divorce.

Behavioral mistreatment includes ignoring you. Sharing his view and not listening to yours. Throwing things or doing property damage. Failing again and again to do chores. Making promises and breaking them. Making decisions without you. Lack of romance. Refusing to have sex with you. Refusing to help with the kids. Controlling behavior. Selfish behavior.

The bottom line is this: If you feel mistreated by your husband, he has almost certainly mistreated you. In other words, you define mistreatment—he doesn’t. If you feel angry and hurt by something he says or does, he has mistreated you.

Here’s one exception: You may have somehow misunderstood or misinterpreted something he said or did. Even in a case like this, you still need to bring up the issue and talk it through.

Now, in this chapter, I’m not referring to husbands who are bona fide, abusive dirt balls. This chapter is not designed to help you deal with a husband who is involved in some form of serious, out-of-control sin, such as an affair, physical violence, sexual addiction like the watching of pornography and/or movies that degrade sex and dishonor marriage, drug or alcohol addiction, gambling, refusing to work for a living, or vicious verbal attacks. If your husband is sinning in one of these areas, you’ll need to mount a dramatic, aggressive, tough-love campaign involving the help of others. Get my book I Don’t Love You Anymore.

I’m writing here about good, decent husbands who are mistreating their wives. Even when the husband is this kind of man—someone who is well-intentioned—this kind of insensitivity is still very serious and does damage to you, to him, to the kids, and to your marriage. My experience indicates that it is happening in many marriages.

Your insensitive husband is mistreating you, and you’re doing zero about it. He’s not a bad guy. In fact, he’s a good guy. And he does love you. But mistreatment is still mistreatment, and his behavior is limiting your marital intimacy. And this is a serious loss!

You put up with mistreatment because you believe one of two Cinderella-thinking mistakes. First, you may believe that if you just keep on faithfully loving him and meeting his needs, he’ll eventually stop hurting you and treat you with more sensitivity and love. Wrong. He doesn’t even realize he’s mistreating you. If you don’t tell him, he’ll never know. He sees you acting as though you are content. He watches you do all the usual things for him. So he figures everything in the marriage is fine. The fact that he is limiting your intimacy won’t dawn on him. Remember, he’s a man.

By the way, how is your “change him with love and kindness” approach working? You’ve been at it now for a number of years. Yeah, I thought so. Not changing, is he?

You may be wondering if my counsel agrees with 1 Peter 3:1–2: “Likewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that if any do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, as they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” These verses teach submission, not subservience or passivity. The wife is always to model purity and excellent behavior, but she is also to follow the verses that instruct her to speak up in a loving and firm way. The Proverbs 31 wife was submissive, but she was also very assertive and active, and her husband respected her. Also, other passages teach that we should confront sin (Matt. 18:15–17) and speak the truth (Eph. 4:15; Col. 3:9).

My conclusion is this: When you look at the whole of Scripture, you see God instructing wives to model submission and excellent behavior and to be assertive and worthy of respect. (In my book The Top Ten Most Outrageous Couples of the Bible I explain that submission on the wife’s part never means not using her intelligence, her abilities, her ideas, or her personality in her marriage.)

Second, you may believe that your man isn’t that bad and that you’ll be OK if he doesn’t change. You say to yourself at least a hundred times a week: “Hey, he’s a good man. He works hard at his job. He goes to church. He doesn’t beat me, drink like a fish, or sleep around. He could be a lot worse. I have to accept the fact that he won’t change. I can live with that.”

You’ve given up hope of ever having a deeper, more intimate bond with your husband. His insensitive words and behavior do hurt, but you think they can’t be helped. You just paint on your brave smile and ride the Cinderella coach on that long, lonely road to the horizon.

Some older wives in your church family or social circle may have convinced you that the man you have is as good as he can be. They’ve persuaded you that men are “just that way” and that you can do nothing about it. For good measure, they may have thrown in the classic enabler line: “Honey, you just have to make Jesus your husband.”

These two Cinderella ways of thinking are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. If you believe your husband will change because of your excellent behavior as a wife, you’re sadly mistaken. If you believe your husband can’t change and you tolerate his mistreatment, you are in error. In both cases, you are part of the problem. You are enabling him to stay exactly the kind of husband he is now. He’s convinced you’re OK with who he is, so he has absolutely zero motivation to do anything differently.

Are you guilty of one of these Cinderella mistakes? It’s time to get rid of your evening gown and glass slippers. Stop being so nice and forgiving and fake all the time. Start being honest with yourself and him.

THE DIALOGUE

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WIFE: I’m just a nice person. I can’t help but be nice to him.

ME: No, you’re not nice. You aren’t telling him the truth, as you are instructed to do in Ephesians 4:25, Colossians 3:9, and many other places in Scripture. That’s not being nice. And you aren’t giving your husband a chance to change. That’s not nice, either. You’re also allowing your children to learn that it’s OK to mistreat a woman. That, too, is not nice. You aren’t nice; you’re codependent.

WIFE: But I have to submit to him, don’t I?

ME: No, not when he’s sinning. You don’t submit to sin. Rather, you confront it every time. (See Matthew 18:15–17.)

WIFE: I don’t get angry with my husband. It’s not ladylike or Christlike.

ME: First, you are angry deep down. Second, it’s OK and healthy to be angry. We’re actually commanded to express it the same day we feel it (Eph. 4:26–27.) Third, Christ became angry, and for good reason (Matt. 21:12–13; Mark 8:32–33), and He expressed it. You have good reason to be angry too.

WIFE: He always says he’s sorry after doing or saying something that hurts me.

ME: Sorry isn’t good enough. True repentance is what is required and may include being sorry but focuses on change. If you’re OK with him just saying he’s sorry, that’s all he’s going to give you.

WIFE: Most of the time he’s blunt and abrasive because he’s had a hard, stressful day at work.

ME: So? That’s no excuse. Sinful behavior is sinful behavior. Treating you roughly is not an acceptable or effective way to handle his stress. Speaking of stress, his behavior is causing you stress, isn’t it?

WIFE: I saw my mom take mistreatment from my dad for years. I guess that’s where I learned to put up with it. To me, it is normal. My ex-husband also treated me with insensitivity too much of the time.

ME: Your mom was your codependent Yoda. She taught you to tolerate mistreatment. But you can change that pattern and stop the generational sin. We’ll work in therapy on your past pain, and that will help you be more assertive with your husband.

WIFE: I’m afraid to stand up to him. Will he get really angry and be out of control? Will he put up a fight and battle me? Will my changed behavior disrupt the kids’ lives? Will he leave me or maybe even divorce me? Will I find out he doesn’t love me enough to change?

ME: These are valid fears. When you start standing up to him, you may be in for a battle. He’s used to mistreating you and getting away with it. He won’t like getting static from you. You have to decide that following the Bible and finding your assertive, person-of-value, Christlike voice is best for everyone in the family. If you want to be treated well and build a close marriage, you must demand good treatment. If he’s truly a good man, he will change in response to your changes.

I’ve led many wives through these five steps of assertiveness training. I’ve seen them work over and over again. Now it’s your turn.

You can’t carry off this assertiveness program on your own. It’s too tough. You need to find one married female Christian (not a family member) who is willing to provide frequent encouragement and accountability. She could be a close friend or mentor, such as a leader in your church or a pastor’s wife.

You’ll tell her everything about your husband’s mistreatment and how you’ve tolerated it. You’ll ask her to keep you on the assertiveness track by praying with you, asking you to share with her how you’re being assertive, giving you pep talks when needed, calling you a wimp when you falter, and gently but firmly getting you back in the saddle.

Meet with her once a week, and stay in touch by phone. Call her when you need to vent or get some encouragement. The Bible teaches us to “bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2), and that’s exactly what your support person is going to do.

Buy a small pad and record every instance of your husband’s mistreatment. You can also do this on your phone or computer. Use three columns: one for what happened, one for your emotional reaction, and one for what you did about it. Do this for two weeks, and you’ll get a pretty good baseline measurement of the mistreatment episodes. You may be surprised at how many or how few instances you record.

Your journal will help you track the frequency of mistreatment and the specific nature of it. When does it usually happen? Does it follow a recognizable pattern? What forms does it take? How long does it last? What exact words and behaviors does he exhibit?

The journal will also help you understand the mistreatment and your reaction to it. What emotions do you have when it happens? What fearful thoughts come into your mind? What do you usually do in response?

Initially of course, you will not be jotting down any impressive, assertive responses. You’ll jot down your usual, wimpy responses. As you improve, you’ll be able to write more healthy, assertive behaviors. This will motivate and encourage you.

Share your journal with your support person. Going over it with her (and your therapist, if you have one) will greatly enhance the learning process. If your husband wants to know what you’re using the journal for, tell him. It’s no secret. Tell him it’s a tool to help you be more honest and assertive with him when he mistreats you. If he’s willing and has a good attitude, the two of you can go over the journal together. It can also help him correct his insensitive behavior.

Using the one-way communication technique I explained in chapter 5, tell him every time he mistreats you. That’s right, every time. A breach of respect has occurred and caused some damage, and your job is to let him know as soon as possible. Tell him the truth in a loving way (Eph. 4:15). Be brief. Just a few sentences will get the job done.

If you can’t verbally point out his mistake immediately, at least do it by the end of the day. As Ephesians 4:26–27 commands, you need to clean out difficult, painful emotions each day. You could use part of a regularly scheduled talk time to lay it on him.

Tell him your emotions and what he did, and ask him (when he’s ready) to apologize and talk the situation out. Then walk away or be silent. What you say could go like this:

If you stuff your emotions and say nothing, a lot of bad things happen. You may stuff and stuff and then periodically blow up in anger. You may get depressed. You may become bitter and resentful. His behavior will never change. Worst of all, you run the risk of hitting the wall one day and leaving the marriage because all your love is gone.

Your man has zero insight into why he mistreats you. He probably doesn’t even realize he’s doing it at all. Pointing out his mistreatment in the one-way manner is good, but it’s not enough. On his own, he still won’t try to figure out why he acts in insensitive, hurtful ways. Seeking an explanation for his poor relationship skills would mean digging into personal matters, and he’s spent his whole life staying away from those sensitive areas.

Your job is to use well-placed, one-way observations to show him the reasons you think he mistreats you. He has a relationship disability. An integral part of the rehabilitation process is having a coach who will show him exactly where it comes from. You are that coach. He’s not asking for your help, but you’re going to give it to him anyway. The insights you share can play a big part in his change process. You won’t give him this kind of insight every time because you won’t always have an opinion about the reason. But when you do have a good guess, tell him. For example:

That temper outburst last night reminded me of your dad. You look and act just like him when you lose it. Until you deal with him and your feelings about how he raised you, you’ll keep on raging and hurting me and the kids.

When I said no to sex this morning, you shut me out and ignored me for three hours. You still haven’t healed from your ex-wife rejecting you sexually and in other ways. So when you feel like I’ve rejected you, you close down and won’t talk about it. When you’re ready, I want you to talk to me about what she did to you. When that pain is out of you, you’ll be able to open up to me and receive all my love.

You’re stuffing your work stress again tonight. You’ve got the television on, and you’ve been avoiding me for the past two hours. I’m hurt and frustrated. If you’d share the work problems with me, you’d be happier, and we’d be closer. But that’s up to you.

The past month, you’ve pulled back from me. You’re preoccupied with your work and sports. You don’t seem too happy with me or your life. I think one of the reasons is that you’ve drifted from the Lord. You’re not having regular quiet times, and you have not gone to church with us three Sundays in a row. I’m hurt that you’re shutting me out, and I’m also concerned about you. If you want to talk about what’s going on and want my help to get back on track spiritually, find me, and we’ll talk.

Did you notice what you just did? Our conversation was starting to get a little personal, so you made a joke to lighten the mood. That’s something you do a lot. It ticks me off because I need closeness with you. I’ve seen your dad and brother do the same joke thing to avoid personal subjects. I’d like to talk about this and what we can do about it. When you’re ready, let me know, and we’ll schedule a time to talk.

Most often, individuals change only when they experience sufficient pain to motivate new behavior. Being honest and direct with him is important, but it won’t be enough to motivate him to work on changing his insensitive ways. He must face some consequences for his mistreatment of you or he won’t feel the need to change.

Use the one-way technique, and tell him you’ll wait for his heartfelt apology and willingness to discuss the incident fully. You want to see him try to figure out why he mistreated you. During this waiting period, before he comes back to you, the marriage is temporarily suspended. You’re still married, but not in the same “everything’s OK and normal” way. If everything seems fine, he has no reason to apologize and work at resolving the issue.

So everything must not be fine. You will be quiet, reserved, and pulled back from him. There’s to be no real communication about any other topic, no affection, and no time together until he returns and is genuinely involved in talking about what happened.

No sex, either, until he’s truly repentant. Repentant means being sorry, listening and reflecting back as you vent, and working to uncover why he mistreated you. I have a funny feeling the temporary suspension of sex may get his attention. You sometimes need to suspend marital sex (1 Cor. 7:5), and this is one of those times. To engage in the intensely vulnerable and intimate act of intercourse before resolving a breach of respect (or at least before the process is begun) is very harmful to you, and you need to tell him that. The male way of resolving the problem is having sex. That’s not your way, and it won’t work for you.

It may take you a while to learn these assertiveness steps. Confronting his mistreatment won’t be easy, but the benefits will be worth the effort. You will clean your system of anger and hurt and resentment. You will be able to forgive. You will stay emotionally healthy. You will give him repeated opportunities and motivation to change. You’ll stay in love with him. And together you can build a more intimate bond.

1. Ask your husband to tell you if he sees ways he mistreats you. Ask him why he thinks he acts in those ways.

2. Being gentle but honest, tell your husband how he mistreats you—what he says and what he does. If you have any ideas as to why he makes these mistakes, share them with him.

3. Which of the two Cinderella mistakes are you guilty of making? To which of the reasons or excuses in the Dialogue section can you relate? What are you afraid might happen if you speak up and show assertiveness with your husband?

4. Which of the five assertiveness steps are you willing to try at this time? Which one would be the most effective for you?

5. Ask your husband what consequences would motivate him to change his mistreatment of you.