MISTAKE #6: HUSBAND, YOU’RE BEING INSENSITIVE
Be Gentle and Earn Her Respect
MALE INSENSITIVITY BEGAN back in the Garden of Eden, when Adam blamed Eve for the first sin. When God asked him if he had eaten from the forbidden tree, Adam responded, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate” (Gen. 3:12).
Talk about your lame excuses! What a weasel! Instead of protecting his wife, he tried to pin the sin on her. Eve must have been thinking, “Thanks a lot, Adam. Your support makes me feel so special.”
Adam was the first insensitive man, but he certainly wasn’t the last. A man, by nature, has an insensitive streak a mile wide. He tends to be selfish, crude, dense, rough around the conversational edges, controlling, sarcastic, flippant, blunt, forgetful, and devoid of any ability to understand a woman.
Hey! I have a great idea! Let’s put this incredibly insensitive man into a relationship with an unbelievably sensitive woman. Yeah, and let’s have them get married and live together. What could go wrong?
Actually just about everything.
Do you think the woman, with her built-in hair-trigger sensitivity, will get angry and hurt by her bull-in-the-china-shop man? You’d better believe it. This dramatic difference in sensitivity is a major challenge in marriage.
IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH
It doesn’t take much to upset your woman. She’s emotional, moody, and easily offended. She watches you like a hawk and misses nothing. She scrutinizes everything you say and do and runs it through her sensitivity grid. Something you consider trivial and inconsequential is very likely to feel like a personal attack to her. A word, a glance, a sigh, or a certain tone of voice can cause an intense reaction of pain in her. She may not tell you, but inside she’s hurt and feeling unloved and mistreated.
Here’s one small example of how difficult dealing with a sensitive wife can be. Out of nowhere, she says to you, “I’m getting fat.” That comment is shocking enough, but she’s also looking at you intently and expecting a response. This is a classic no-win situation for you, the hapless man. Regardless of what you say, you will be insensitive and wrong and offensive.
You could say, “No, you’re not fat.” Then she would say, “I am fat! I just told you I was fat. I think I know what fat is. Check out these thighs. Would you call them thin?”
Or you could say nothing. That won’t work either. She’ll say, “Didn’t you hear me? I said I was fat. What we have here is a fat wife who is being ignored by her husband. I know you think I’m overweight and unattractive. That’s why you’re not saying anything.”
You could say, “Well, honey, I guess you have gained a few pounds. So have I. No big deal.” Now you’re dead meat, even though you have told the truth. “I knew it!” she says. “I knew you thought I was fat. How long have you thought I was fat?” Good luck answering that last question without offending her.
TREAT HER LIKE A QUEEN
The “I’m getting fat” scenario is just one tiny example of the challenge you face in living with a hypersensitive woman. Learning to be sensitive and understanding is difficult, but you can do it. Scripture makes it clear that you must treat her like a queen.
Jesus loved women and treated them with dignity and respect. To Him, they were equal in value to men. This was revolutionary thinking for His culture. Jesus shocked the Jewish world by being the first rabbi to allow women to be His disciples. He invited Mary, Martha, and Mary Magdalene (who might have been a former prostitute) into His inner circle. Jesus is our example, men.
The key verse about how to treat a wife is 1 Peter 3:7. Read this verse very carefully, husband, because it packs quite a punch:
Likewise, you husbands, live considerately with your wives, giving honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they too are also heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
God commands you to treat your wife as a precious, priceless person. You are to treat her better than anyone else on earth. She is your equal and deserves your expression of dignity and respect. You are to handle her gently, kindly, and softly. You are to adore and cherish her. You are to express the utmost tenderness toward her.
If you fail to treat her with this kind of understanding and sensitivity, your selfishness will block your access to God—the passage says that if you treat her right, “your prayers will not be hindered.” If you treat her wrong, your most urgent and heartfelt requests of God may go unanswered. That’s the worst possible consequence and shows how important this is to God. Treat her well, or your spiritual life will suffer. One of the main reasons so many husbands are spiritually dry is that they mistreat their wives—whether they mean to or not.
THE CHECKLIST OF SENSITIVITY
I’ve compiled a list of many common insensitive husband behaviors. It’s not exhaustive, by any means, but it will help you get a good idea of how insensitive you are and where you need to improve. Check the ones you feel apply to you. If you’re not sure, ask your wife. She’ll know.
Verbal mistreatment
Mr. Logic
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“You’re too emotional.”
“Here’s what I’d do in the situation if I were you.”
“That’s life, honey.”
“Let it go. It’s in the past.”
Interrupting her and telling her she’s wrong to feel or think a certain way
Telling her how to feel or think
Playing devil’s advocate and defending the person who has hurt or angered her
The Wonderful World of Sarcasm
“Oh, you’re perfect, I guess.”
“It has to be your way, doesn’t it?”
“Who died and made you queen?”
“Oh, sure, that’ll work.”
Avoiding Intimate Conversations
Refusing to talk
Ignoring her when she’s talking about something you don’t want to talk about
Being cynical
Cracking a joke to lighten the mood and prevent the conversation from getting too deep
Poor Conflict-Resolution Skills
Raising your voice
Refusing to listen to her side of the argument
Leaving and not coming back to restart the conversation
Making personal attacks
Laughing at her feelings and opinions
Lying to her to avoid conflict
Criticism
Throwing barbs about her cooking, her housecleaning, her parenting, her spending, her weight or appearance, her family, or her intelligence
Behavioral mistreatment
Controlling the remote
Being lazy and not doing your share of the chores
Forgetting to do chores
Promising and not delivering
Forgetting special days like her birthday, your anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and Mother’s Day
Remembering special days but not doing much for her
Doing your own fun activities and leaving her with the kids
Working too many hours and not telling her when you’ll be home
Refusing to do activities she enjoys doing
Controlling the money
Giving her a monthly allowance
Making financial decisions without consulting her
Driving like a maniac
Refusing to spend time with her relatives
Pressuring her or forcing her to have sex without the proper emotional and spiritual preparation
Not changing the toilet paper roll
Not lifting or lowering the toilet seat
Not cleaning your whiskers from the sink after you shave
Belching and not saying “Excuse me”
Do any of these verbal or behavioral examples of mistreatment look familiar? I certainly could check off quite a few. Be man enough to admit your mistakes and work on correcting them.
THE DIALOGUE
HUSBAND: I don’t mean to hurt her with what I say and do.
ME: You are hurting her whether you mean to or not.
HUSBAND: She’s too sensitive.
ME: No, she’s a woman. They’re all sensitive. You are too insensitive.
HUSBAND: I can’t listen to her when she’s venting about something I’ve said or done wrong. She takes way too long.
ME: She needs to vent, and she’ll talk about what happened until she knows you understand. Listen, reflect, and have a good attitude, and you can shorten the time of suffering. If you resist, you’d better get comfortable.
HUSBAND: I don’t want to become some overly sensitive wimp of a man. I’m a man’s man.
ME: A real man learns to be sensitive to his wife. Jesus was the ultimate Man, and He was sensitive to women. Of course, you can stay a macho man and have a miserable wife and a mediocre marriage. It’s up to you.
HUSBAND: I can’t be perfect!
ME: Nobody’s asking you to be perfect. With God’s help and your hard work, you will improve dramatically. She can live with a certain amount of insensitivity as long as you’re being sensitive most of the time.
YOUR FIVE-STEP SENSITIVITY PROGRAM
In the previous chapter, I took your dear wife through five steps of assertiveness training. Now it’s time for you to learn how to be sensitive.
Step 1: Sign up a support person
Just as your wife needs someone to come alongside her in her assertiveness program, you also need a support person. Don’t play Lone Ranger. You’ll never make it. Read the Support Person section in chapter 7 and follow those same guidelines. Find a trustworthy, married, Christian man. Tell him all about your insensitivity. Ask him to hold you accountable in your sensitivity efforts and failures, pray with him, meet with him once a week, and stay in touch by phone. If he’s open to it, you may hold him accountable in his areas of insensitivity toward his wife too.
Step 2: Keep a mistreatment journal
Read the mistreatment journal section of chapter 7, and follow the steps I outline there. Buy a pad and make a note every time you mistreat your wife. Use three columns: one for what you did or said, one for your emotional reaction, and one for what you did after the incident (such as walked away, apologized, or acted as though it never happened).
Keep the journal for two weeks. You’ll learn how often you mistreat your wife and exactly how you do it. You may be able to identify what factors trigger you to act in these insensitive ways, such as stress, fatigue, feeling controlled, wanting to maintain control, or spiritual apathy. Your wife will be keeping her journal at the same time. Every few days or at least once a week, sit down with her to compare journals. Finding out how each of you views the episodes of mistreatment will be interesting and instructive.
Step 3: Urge her to catch you
Give your wife permission to catch you every time you are being insensitive. This is good for her assertiveness and good for your recognition of the problem. You don’t even realize you’re being insensitive, so you need her to point it out. Eventually, you’ll be able to catch yourself and to eliminate many of the insensitive episodes.
Provide her with a code phrase (women love codes, remember?) to use to alert you to your insensitivity, such as “I think you’re being insensitive,” “I believe you’ve crossed the line,” “Time out,” or, “You just cost yourself sex tonight, buddy.” (Just kidding about that last one.)
When you hear the code phrase, don’t fight it or resist in any way. Believe your wife because she is the only one who is able to say when you’re being insensitive. If she says you are, you are. Period. As soon as you hear the code phrase, do four things: Take a quick break to simmer down and chill out (saying a brief prayer would be a good idea), come back to her and apologize, pursue her if she’s pulled away, and talk the situation out.
Step 4: Say you’re sorry, pursue her, and talk it out
Your run-of-the-mill man doesn’t apologize well. He hates to show weakness and to admit that he’s wrong. Believe me, if your woman is upset, chances are very good that you’ve done something wrong.
First, here’s how not to apologize. Don’t say, “I’m sorry if I offended, hurt, or angered you.” What do you mean, if? There’s no if about it. Something you did or said actually happened, and it bothered her. Don’t say, “I’m sorry, but . . .” The but cancels out the sorry part, and she doesn’t want to hear your lame excuse. Don’t say, “You misunderstood me.” Now you’re blaming her rather than accepting responsibility. Don’t say, “we,” as in, “We both got angry in that situation.” We indicates that she is at fault too. That won’t make her happy. Don’t say, “I’m sorry” in a resentful or exasperated way. If you can’t say it in a heartfelt way, wait until you can. But do say you’re sorry. Acting as though nothing happened further insults and hurts your wife. If you said “I’m sorry” in the wrong way, you caused additional hurt, and now you must say another “I’m sorry” for your poor apology and still repeat your “I’m sorry” in the right way for your original insensitive remark.
An effective apology includes three critical steps. First, say the initial “I’m sorry” in a heartfelt and genuine way right to her face. Use words like these: “Honey, I’m sorry. I blew it. I was wrong, and I upset you. Please forgive me. Let’s talk it out when you’re ready.”
Second, if she gets emotional and goes silent or walks away, you must go after her. She wants you to pursue her. She wants and needs you to come to her, talk out the incident, reassure her of your love, and win her back. If she’s not ready to talk, leave for a few minutes, and then come back. Keep coming back until she’s ready to talk about what happened.
Third, be prepared for several talks with her about the insensitive mistake you made. She’ll do all the talking and venting initially. Listen, reflect back to her what you’re hearing, and continue to say, “I’m sorry.” One “I’m sorry,” even if sincere, is never enough for a woman. Keep saying it until she believes it.
When she has finished venting, she needs to hear from you. Without making any excuses, tell her why you think you acted in such an insensitive way. Do your best to figure out what triggered your words or behavior. If you can’t think of any explanation at the time, jot down the incident on your pad and tell her you’ll think on it and get back to her.
Step 5: Watch your mouth
As a man—especially an angry or frustrated man—you have a bad habit of being too harsh and abrasive when you speak to your woman. This kind of insensitivity crushes her and does real damage to her self-esteem and her respect for you.
Remember three verses when you speak to your wife. The first verse, 1 Peter 3:7, instructs husbands to be gentle. The second verse, Proverbs 16:24, tells us that pleasant words are sweet and healing. And the third verse, 1 Corinthians 13:5, simply and powerfully states that love does not act unbecomingly.
Keep your tone within reasonable limits. Avoid sarcasm and yelling. Don’t use vulgar (or worse) language of any kind. Stay away from the words never, always, and should. Refrain from any critical personal attacks. Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t sigh loudly.
Communication is a self-correcting process. If you make a mistake as you’re speaking—whether she catches you or you catch yourself—stop the conversation immediately and take a break. Come back, apologize for your mistake, and continue the conversation. I’ll go into much more detail about the ins and outs of conflict resolution in a later chapter.
Build Your Happily-Ever-After Marriage
1. Husband, how did your dad treat your mom? Did he model insensitive behavior in his treatment of your mom? What form did this take? How did your mom react to his insensitivity?
2. Using the checklist of insensitive behaviors in this chapter, tell your wife the specific insensitive remarks and behaviors you are guilty of the most. Man up and ask her to tell you the most common ways you are insensitive to her.
3. Who can you ask to be your support person?
4. Are you willing to take the five steps in the sensitivity program? Which of the steps will be the most difficult for you? Ask your wife which of the steps are most important to her.
5. How are you in the apology department? Which of the “I’m sorry” mistakes do you make most often?