RECENTLY I WATCHED a Disney movie with my wonderful three-year-old granddaughter, Izzy. It was a classic story of a princess and a prince falling in love, getting married, and living happily ever after.
Izzy (her real name is Isabel) has an attention span of about five minutes. She typically runs from one activity to another all day long. But she sat still, absolutely enthralled, for the entire hour-and-a-half movie!
Izzy loved the movie. She loved the sweet, beautiful princess. She loved the handsome, brave prince. Most of all, she loved the incredibly happy ending. Izzy wants to live happily ever after with her future prince, and I don’t blame her.
I want a happily-ever-after marriage too! So do you. So does everyone who gets married. I believe God has put this dream in the hearts of all brides and grooms. He devoted one whole book in the Bible—the Song of Songs (also called the Song of Solomon)—to this kind of deeply intimate, forever love relationship.
It is God’s desire for every couple to live happily ever after.
Unfortunately in the real world very few couples live out the happily-ever-after dream. Very few.
Just a couple of years into marriage, the dream gets seriously frayed around the edges. You realize with dismay that your marriage is not even close to the fairy tale love you had in mind. Instead of, “And they lived happily ever after,” your marriage could be described by one of these tag lines:
• “And they were OK ever after.”
• “And they were happy some of the time ever after.”
• “And they tried to be close ever after.”
• “And they hung in there ever after.”
No one would put these words on a plaque and mount it in their home.
Is this the kind of marriage you want to have? Of course not. Disney wouldn’t make a movie about this kind of marriage.
But I have good news. I am in the “happily ever after” business. I’m a Christian psychologist who specializes in helping couples with relationship problems. For the past twenty-five years, I’ve worked with couples in therapy, presented marriage seminars, and written books on marriage. I’m still a full-time therapist, working with couples five days a week. I’ve been married to Sandy for thirty-three years, and we have learned a lot together.
My writing partner is my dad, William G. Clarke. He has over thirty years of experience as a marriage and family therapist. Dad also spent years doing marriage seminars. He and my mom, Kathleen, have been married for sixty years.
Together we can help you take your relationship from where it is now to happily ever after. We have based this book on three pillars: the Bible, our experience working directly with couples in therapy, and what we’ve learned in our own marriages.
If you’re OK with a boring, mediocre marriage (or worse), put this book back on the shelf or give it to a friend. If you want a terrific marriage, you have the right book in your hands. Here’s the road map we’ll follow.
In part 1 I explain how you built a boring marriage. You did it the same way almost all couples do. You acted out the rituals in the standard Anti-Intimacy Male-Female Contract.
In part 2 I expose the top ten intimacy-killing mistakes most couples make, and I show how to correct them. When you correct these mistakes, you’ll get the deep intimacy you’ve been missing.
In each chapter I include a “Dialogue” section. These are conversations I’ve had with actual clients (no names or identifying features, of course) in my therapy office in Tampa, Florida. These dialogues reveal the main obstacles to intimacy.
At the end of each chapter (and sometimes both in the middle and at the end), you’ll find a “Build Your Happily-Ever-After Marriage” section. These sections contain specific questions and action steps that will help the two of you apply my strategies.
In part 3 I’ll help you dump your boring rituals, get rid of your intimacy substitutes, and create a spontaneous and exciting love.
If your spouse won’t read this book—and some won’t—that’s OK. You’ll read it, you’ll change, and your marriage will change.
You’ll notice a lot of humor throughout the book—at least, I think it’s humor! When a book is fun to read, the principles in it are communicated more effectively. Sometimes my sense of humor is a little wacky. Off the wall. Edgy. But Izzy likes it, and I think you will too.
I need to warn you right up front that I will be hard on both wives and husbands. You each will take your turn in the hot seat. I won’t pull any punches. I’ll be direct and honest. That’s how I do therapy, and that’s how I write. That’s the approach I needed—and still need. You need the truth, or you won’t change. I don’t mean to offend, although at times I will. I mean to get your attention, motivate you to act differently, and show you how, with God’s help, you can build the marriage you want and God desires you to have.
I know you’re ready to start building your happily-ever-after marriage. Turn the page and let’s get to it.