CHAPTER 7:

TEACH YOUR TEEN TO USE GOALS

At 7:47 AM every morning, we hit the second stoplight on the fourth exit of Interstate 5. And it is at that very moment that my daughter pipes up, almost conditioned to do so: “My goal for the day is to help my teacher.” My younger daughter dutifully follows: “My goal is not to whine.” They inevitably glance at each other, satisfied and ready to tackle the day.

Goal setting has become not only a daily practice in our home but also an annual practice in both my business and my marriage, largely as a result of what I have learned during my experience counseling high school students. And while the goals of a preschool or an elementary school student might be markedly different from those of a middle school or a high school student, and those even still from an adult, the exercise—for everyone—is confidence building and, most importantly, empowering. Fellow parents, as you practice intentional parenting—parenting led by a compass—goal setting should nestle its way into your parenting tool arsenal. Encourage your tween or teen to think through—even visualize—what it is that she wants to accomplish, and just as importantly, how she’s going to get there.

Do you ever keep a to-do list with pen and paper or on an electronic device? If you do, you can relate to the surge in motivation that accompanies recording even the most mundane of tasks. Take the car in for an oil change? Well, I wrote it down, so . . . And if you know what I’m talking about, then you can also identify with that ever-so-satisfying feeling when it comes time to cross something off of that list. I’m pretty sure the corners of my lips curl upward ever so slightly whenever I draw my pen straight through an item or hit delete on my digital list. It’s almost as if I’ve waged a miniscule battle with each task, and with every strikethrough, I’ve recorded a glorious victory. The same goes for goal setting. There is something intrinsically empowering about writing out a goal. When we put out into the world that we want to achieve something, well, then our determination hardens, and we have no choice but to take that first step.

Setting Goals Contributes to Intention and Provides a Roadmap

Beginning each day with intention—with an idea of what you want to accomplish—sets the tone for empowerment and achievement. In a world full of negative feedback, damaging media messages, and discouraging interactions, goal setting instead welcomes the day on a positive and hopeful note. It not only teaches all of us to reach for our dreams but also gives some structure and a roadmap to get there.

People who think about and record their goals, and then set measurable objectives to achieve those goals, are much more likely to achieve what they set out to accomplish. So you can be sure that every fall, my students are becoming inspired as they diligently record their goals for the coming school year. Some begin enthusiastically, furiously recording what has so long been in their heads but has never been put to paper, memorializing their intention, making a contract with themselves, and therefore urging them on. I want to achieve an A in AP Chemistry. I would love to make varsity volleyball. I’d like to become color guard captain. I intend to write for the school newspaper. Others come to the process begrudgingly. I’ve never thought about what I want to achieve. I know what I want to achieve, but I have never considered how I might get there.

I chuckle to myself every fall during the goal-setting process. It’s because I love goal setting with the hesitant students the most. I have students set three goals, each with three measurable objectives. The first goal inevitably is an adjustment for them; it takes some time to solidify and then it takes even more time to come up with three concrete steps that will get them to the finish line. Around goal number two, though, the light bulb visibly brightens, and students can’t help but mask a little smile as they settle in to the process and feel the intrinsic motivation.

This happens every time without fail. As they think through the potential for achievement, they start to feel empowered and get excited. They have direction. (If your teen does not work with an educational consultant or therapist, or if your child has never done a goal-setting exercise before, we encourage you to try setting goals with measurable objectives as you embrace the plan set out here.)

Establishing a Foundation and Understanding

Another reason that goal setting is an essential counseling and parenting tool is that the process allows adults to understand what children want for themselves. As a counselor, I develop a clear picture of what it is that they want to achieve, and I establish a foundation from which to work. If I am unclear on their goals, then my assumptions are, albeit unintentionally, guiding my work rather than their true intentions and desires for themselves. For instance, I might assume that a student ultimately wants to attend one of the most selective institutions in the country and therefore gear my advice and our work toward that assumed goal. But instead, much to the contrary, that particular student’s goal is to attend a school at which he will receive considerable merit aid and at which he has the ability to rise to the top of his class. How different those two goals are—and how a student’s goals can be disrupted with an inappropriate assumption!

Parents, think about your own lives. Have you ever sat down and written out where you want to be in the next year? Five years? Most of us haven’t. Why not try? There exists incredible power in modeling this type of intentionality to your children.

A few years ago, I instituted this practice with my husband. Drawing from what I’ve learned about the power of goal setting, we decided to adopt a new tradition to set family goals every New Year’s Day. We review what we would like to improve in our family—it might be more family dinners, adding a weekly Friday night movie night, or relating to fitness or finances—and we set goals coupled with measurable objectives at which to chip away throughout the coming year. I do it for my business, too. Where do I want to be in twelve months—but more importantly how am I going to get there? What are the steps that I will take to make that happen? Parents, try adopting this goal-setting idea in your own homes whenever there is a crossroads or an upcoming milestone that demands it.

About Gwen

A few years ago, I set goals with Gwen. Passionate about bringing creative writing to elementary school-aged children, Gwen was leading creative writing and poetry workshops around her city, but she wanted to reach a broader audience and formalize what she was doing. But she didn’t know where to begin. We began with her overarching, “big picture” goal—what she wanted to achieve. Grow my creative writing workshops to reach more children. Then we had to move on to identifying three measurable steps to get there.

What Is a Measurable Objective?

The necessity that objectives are measurable can’t be stressed enough. For instance, a student might want to achieve an A in United States History. When queried how he intends to get there, that student will likely say, “Study harder.” But what does that mean? How does he know that he is studying harder? How can he be sure that what he does going forward is measurably any different from what he is doing now? (And clearly what he is doing now isn’t working or he would not have set this goal in the first place.) Studying harder is not a measurable objective, and therefore, it isn’t a useful one. A better objective might be to study for one extra hour every Sunday afternoon. Or maybe a student has been doing his math homework last every night, when he’s tired and burned out from his other homework. Perhaps doing his math homework first every night, when he is most fresh and alert, would contribute to a raise in his homework grade, correlating to a raise in his overall math grade.

So back to the example about the writing workshops. Gwen decided upon her first objective: reach out to more libraries. While a good start, this was still not a measurable objective. She tried again: reach out to five new libraries by December 31. This objective was measurable, so it worked. Gwen moved on to her next objective. For her second objective, she started to think about conducting her workshops in new locations beyond libraries—in order to reach different audiences. Knowing that some low-income communities were located near her home, she chose to reach out to three nonprofit organizations to see if they would allow her to use her workshop format to teach children living in those communities. She gave herself the deadline of March 31.

For her last objective, she wanted to come up with a way to first draw kids into the idea of creative writing and then let them know about her workshops—inviting them after they’d seen what they could eventually accomplish. She decided to set up “slam poetry” nights with the plan to advertise her workshops at these events. Her final objective was to set up four slam poetry nights by the end of the school year.

Over time, Gwen’s workshops grew as a result of her goal setting and her commitment to seeing those goals through. Not only did she reach more kids, inspiring scores of young people, but she later parlayed her momentum into creating a nonprofit organization that introduces young people to creative writing.

Setting Goals with Your Teen

Setting goals with your teen can be an incredible, bonding experience. When a parent sits down with a child solely for the purpose of learning what the child wants to achieve, the teen feels heard and knows that she has a voice. Much like the process of setting goals in our own college counseling offices, when you and your teen set goals together it allows you to both start from the same place—helping you to know exactly how to encourage your teen in a way that makes her feel valued.

Goals can be short term or long term, and when I goal set with students, I don’t limit the time frame. Start by helping your teen understand the difference between a goal and an objective. Remember, a goal is the “big picture” thing that your teen will aim to achieve. An objective is a measurable step to get to that goal. You can give your teen examples of non-measurable objectives, like studying harder, and measurable objectives, like visiting a teacher’s tutorial or office hours before each test.

I like to set one goal with students and then identify its accompanying three objectives before moving on to the second goal; your teen can also start by focusing solely on one goal and its objectives rather than three goals at once. Especially if your teen has never recorded his goals before, he will likely struggle making his first goal. Carefully listen and be still in the silence. He will eventually come up with something, and too many suggestions from an adult will take ownership of the process from him.

When he moves from the goal into the objectives, challenge him to set objectives that he is not currently doing. Often, I’ll see students who breeze through identifying the objectives because they list the things that they are already doing. But what’s the good in that if it hasn’t yet gotten them to their goal? For instance, maybe your child’s goal is to increase her speed in soccer, as she hopes to be a recruited athlete. For her first objective, she writes down that outside of practice, she will run a timed two miles, two times per week—but the trouble is that she is already doing this. Encourage her to either identify a different objective or to challenge herself more with the objective that she is already doing. In this case, perhaps the teen can run a timed two miles three days per week outside of practice.

Troubleshooting Objectives

Sometimes, a student will get stuck during the objective setting. He has considered what more he can do to work toward a goal, but even still he is unable to identify appropriate objectives. When this happens, I like to approach the process from a different vantage point—namely, what is currently keeping the student from reaching his goal? When I query him this way, he is able to approach the goal from the back end; rather than adding things that he is not yet doing, he identifies how he can significantly alter his current approach.

About Arvan

Arvan’s goal was to earn a B+ in Honors Algebra II, a class in which he was struggling and one in which he found little interest. After deciding to visit his teacher’s tutorial hours to go over each test and to do seven extra practice problems every Sunday (adding in things he was not yet doing), he was stuck on his third objective. I approached it from the back end—changing his current approach. What was standing in the way of him getting that B+? Arvan admitted that because he disliked math, he was not disciplined when it came time to do his homework. Every time he heard the “ding” of a text message on his phone, he happily gave in to the distraction. But this resulted in little continuous focus and in getting off track. Arvan’s third objective, then, was to leave his phone in a different room while working on his Honors Algebra II homework, giving himself a designated ten-minute phone break after forty-five minutes of homework. Arvan worked diligently to implement this goal over the course of an entire semester, and when he returned at the end of the school year, he not only raised his grade to a B+ but also encountered the unexpected side effect of becoming less dependent upon his phone. Having enjoyed the peace that leaving it in an adjacent room had provided, Arvan went one step further and made the choice to implement more scheduled phone breaks throughout the week—beyond simply when he was doing his homework.

When the goal setting is complete, encourage your child to put her written goals in a place that she will encounter often. We recommend thumb tacking them to a bulletin board, taping them to the bathroom wall, or hanging them anywhere that your teen often passes, so that she can continue to be inspired and reminded. The constant interface with her goals will keep her accountable to herself—and not to you. Sometimes being a good parent means backing off. Try to.

Creating a Tangible Vision

When we constantly observe a visual representation of our future, we can’t help but be motivated to work toward whatever that vision might be. If I want to reach a certain mileage in my running, and every morning when I roll out of bed that number is staring right back at me, taunting my snooze button, I’m more likely to throw on my running shoes. Try this with your child: allow him to pin up inspirational quotes and pictures that depict his goals, creating a tangible vision for his future. Many of our students enjoy posting quotes and images all over their bedroom and bathroom walls, mirrors, ceilings, bulletin boards, and even computer screensavers. Whether your teen’s saying is a Winston Churchill quote (“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat”) or a quote from the Hamilton musical (“I am not throwing away my shot”) or simply “Carpe Diem,” inspirational messages can pump anyone up. Some parents even allow their teens to paint a chalkboard wall in their bedrooms that can display their own musings in chalk or to hang a white board that can be updated with meaningful quotes. These can be sage words from musicians, athletes, authors, and famous—or not-so-famous—people. Seeing these quotes—whether printed out in large computer fonts or scribbled across a piece of binder paper—cannot help but inspire students and serve as constant reminders of what they are aiming for in life. Meaningful quotes uplift and enhance a bad day, a disappointing grade, or an argument with a friend. Each day your child can wake up and start over again, knowing these words of support are there to enhance positivity and perseverance. These tangible mottos serve as constant reminders of what they intend to achieve. (Parents, you can even try this on your own, too!)

Assessing and Revising Goals

Even the most focused among us can attest to the fact that some goals are reached on time, some are achieved late, and some are never attained at all. And in that lies the beauty of the process. We learn from our hard work—and just as importantly, we might even learn from our lack of hard work. Assessing and revising goals must be a part of the goal-setting process. It is in this space that we learn and adjust.

While we discussed failure in Chapter 3, it is worth briefly mentioning failure here. It is important to view an unreached goal not as a failure but instead as a call to make an adjustment. Perhaps the objective was not realistic. Or maybe in the midst of working toward the goal, a bigger, more important one arose.

The assessment and revision process is an important one because it calls for honesty and an assessment of priorities. It also allows your teen to identify what is working and what isn’t—and to return to the drawing board to come up with another plan that might work even better. Frequent assessment and revision of goals is a necessary part of the process and shouldn’t be avoided simply because your teen fears admitting that she didn’t achieve exactly what she set out to achieve. We recommend at the very least to revisit goals every six months, but this time frame may vary depending upon how short or long term the goals are.

Goal Setting Process Review

1. Set your goal(s), which are the big picture achievements you are working toward.

2. Create measurable objectives, which are the steps you will take to work toward the goal(s).

3. Troubleshoot objectives if necessary. If you get stuck, approach identifying objectives from the back end, asking what is standing in the way of the goal.

4. Create a tangible vision.

5. Assess to see if you are on track to meeting your goal, if adjustments need to be made, or if the goal is achieved.

Consider goal setting as initiating a snowball effect. Like a snowball that begins small, growing exponentially as it picks up speed racing down a mountain, goal setting is inherently a habit that begets bigger and bigger achievements each time it is practiced. Readers, help foster this mindset in your future-adult teen. Goal setting is a practiced art. It takes discipline and focus to endure the process of setting goals, but in turn, it likewise fosters discipline and focus. Helping your teen practice goal setting, and eventually adopting it as a treasured habit, will set him up for a lifetime of intentional action and positivity.