A couple days later, I was in the kitchen drinking coffee when Raylene and Ben came downstairs and left the house, giggling, which was also the time James and his dad showed up. I let them in for coffee.
“We just came to pick up his car,” he said.
“Sure.”
“Look, my son told me what he did.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I think it deserves a conversation after all the time you two were together.”
“I appreciate what you are trying to do, but no, it does not. There is no need to discuss anything.”
“You should at least listen to what he has to say.”
“Why?”
He didn’t know what to say.
“Dad, it’s fine, she is right. I don’t deserve her sympathy. She only followed through with—” Just then Adam came down in boxers. “So, this is why you don’t care, ’cause you had another guy waiting,” he said, getting mad.
“No, and you know what, James, you have no right to get mad. Take it like a fucking man. You screwed up, not me. At least I waited till I told you we were done. Now get out,” I said, stepping in between the two men. The look in their eyes said it all, they were getting ready to do the macho crap.
“James, let’s go, it’s done.” Now I understood why James brought his dad. He wanted him to convince me to take him back. After seeing Adam, he realized I wouldn’t. They left. James burned rubber, trying to get out of the driveway. I closed the door.
“Thank you for not saying anything. I am sure he would have done more if—”
“If I would have rubbed it in his face that I got you,” he said, laughing.
“Yeah.”
“It’s not a competition. I had no reason to do any of that. Besides, as far as I knew, you were just doing a rebound thing. Why would I rub that in?”
“Adam, it wasn’t a rebound thing. But I also don’t know where it will go.”
“And I am okay with that. If what you need right now is no attachments and just sex, I am more than happy to help. ’Cause if I am being honest, sex with you is great,” he said, kissing me on the cheek. “Breakfast?” he said, grinning at me.
“Sure.” I could see he didn’t want to discuss it anymore. But something was off in the way he spoke, almost as if he didn’t believe what he was saying. Was he actually okay with it? Maybe he only said it because I was unsure, and didn’t want to push me.
That night at dinner, it was really quiet. I asked Raylene to come for a walk with me.
“So how are things with you, Ray? Happy to be engaged? Having fun with wedding planning?”
“Things are good, yes, and yes. I thought it would feel different, but honestly, it doesn’t. Maybe I will feel more when we are actually married.”
“Maybe.”
“I am sorry it didn’t work out with James.”
“Things happen for a reason. I can’t say I understand why, but who am I to argue with fate? I should have known the first time he cheated. I chose to ignore it.”
“You believe in fate?”
“How can I not? With all the signs?”
“Does that mean you will listen to fate about Adam?”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on, he has been with you through all of this, expecting nothing in return. He has been hanging around since we were kids. Has never married.”
“So?”
“Come on, he has been in love with you since before I took off. How could you not see it?”
“That is ridiculous. He does not love me. He would have said something, or at least hinted at it.”
“Really? Are you sure about that? Maybe he was waiting for you to notice him.”
“Ray, stop matchmaking, I just got out of a relationship. If something happens with Adam and me, it will happen. If not, then it won’t.” She was smiling.
“Hasn’t something already happened? The walls of the cabin are not sound proof.” I covered my face with my hands. “Hey, I’m not judging. I think it was me who told you to jump him days ago.”
“Oh my god, Ray, stop. From now on, Adam topics are off limits to you.”
A few days later, I was in town, mailing off some of my rolls of film. People always thought I was weird for not switching to digital, but there is something to be said for old-school photos; I couldn’t help it. I stopped in to see Adam at work, taking him a coffee.
“Rain is moving in. There is going to be a lot of it. The plastic should hold, but just in case, might want to think keeping some boards handy.” I nodded. He also gave me an update that the windows wouldn’t arrive till next week, so he would bring them out the weekend after that. Raylene was obviously wrong about the way Adam felt. He was acting normal, like he always was. I, however, was not, and I really hoped that he wouldn’t notice. But I didn’t want to seem too eager to get him into bed again. I mean, we had those couple of days. Great, just thinking about it was making my cheeks hot. Oh, crap, was I blushing, could he see it? Looking at him, if he did see, he did not show it.
I stopped at the post office on the way home. After making myself a cup of coffee, I sat on the porch. Most were bills, one was an envelope with no return address. If I would have known who it was from, I would have never opened it.
Dear Emily,
I know you have every right to hate me, and I don’t blame you. But I need you to give me a chance to explain, rather than waiting for you to say yes or no to seeing me. I am going to come out the cabin. Maybe things will work out better than the last two times.
I won’t tell you when I am coming, just so you won’t purposely not be there, but I will give you some time to calm down or collect your thoughts or whatever you need to do.
I am not going to ask you to forgive me, at least, not right away. I just need to see you. To talk to you.
Please.
The letter ended with that. Just please. Currently, I didn’t know what I would do when I saw him. Maybe him giving me time was not a bad idea on his part, although his showing up whenever he wanted to wasn’t a good idea.
The rain started pouring down. I went back inside, made a snack, and sat in front of the fireplace. I liked watching the fire, listening to the crackle and pop.
“Dad, I don’t understand what is going on. You said you had something to tell me?”
“Yes, I should have told you long ago. I need you to understand it is not my fault. I don’t know when it all started going so wrong. So terribly wrong.”
“Dad, what did? How can you be here?”
“I am not really here, you just needed someone to talk to and your mind came up with me.”
“So, I am talking to myself. Great, that is a sure sign of insanity.” He smiled.
“Emily, have you added it yet?”
“Not intentionally. It got brought in the cabin, but I am not engaged. So, it shouldn’t count. Raylene and Ben did. But why do I need to explain all this to you? Aren’t you me? Shouldn’t you already know everything I know?”
“I do, but this is your mind’s way of sorting through the information. You did this with your mom when she died. But you were still young, you may not remember.” A look of pain came over his face.
“Dad, what’s wrong?”
“If your item is added, then I am sorry, but it is too late, for both of you−”
“Emily, what are you doing out here, it’s pouring,” Raylene said, coming up to me. “Come on, let’s go inside.” I was confused. How had I even gotten outside? I was looking at the fire the last time…Raylene got me back inside and we both dried off.
“Are you okay? Why were you out there?”
“Dad. I wanted to talk to him. He wanted to warn me about something.”
“Emily?” Raylene said, worried.
“He said it was too late.”
“For what?”
“I don’t know, he didn’t say.”
“Emily, have you seen him before? Does he talk to you a lot?”
“Just once. Adam thought with all that was happening, I should do what he did. He would go out and talk to Mom all the time. So, I went to talk to him. He sounded so scared for us, Ray.”
“Emily, you know that is not normal, right?”
“Ray, it wasn’t actually him. It was my mental projection of him, just someone to talk to.” I don’t think I convinced her that I wasn’t crazy.
“Let’s get you into bed.” I wasn’t tired, but I didn’t argue.
“She is acting strange,” I heard her whisper through the door.
“Do you think we should call the doctor?”
“Maybe give it a day or so, see if she gets better?”
“Okay.”
“She said she saw Dad. More than once.”
“How ’bout we call Adam? He can keep an eye on her more than we can. If we do it, it might seem suspicious. If he does it, he is just spending time with her.”
“Okay.” I rolled over and looked at the wall. My eyes started playing tricks on me. They saw the walls moving like a heartbeat. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, they were back to normal.
Maybe I was sick, like James. I closed my eyes again. I just needed sleep. I haven’t slept well for a while.
I opened my eyes and saw a shadow in the corner. I opened my mouth to scream, but a hand clamped over my mouth. It was Adam.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, your sister was worried. Said you were seeing your dad.” I nodded.
“I told her it wasn’t real; it was like you said I needed to talk to someone. My mind created him, so I wouldn’t feel like I was talking to myself. But, Adam, he said it was too late, for both Ray and me.”
“I’m sorry. I thought encouraging you to talk to him would be a good thing.”
“It’s okay. I just won’t do it again.”
“Did he say what you were too late for?”
“No.” Adam sounded relieved in a way, which was weird, but for right now, I was more relieved that he was here. He laid down next to me. I listened to the rhythmic thumping of his heart beating next to my ear and fell asleep.
I woke up later, Adam was not there. A crack of lightning by my window made me scream.
“What’s wrong?” Adam said, rushing into the room.
“Nothing.” I gasped, grabbing my chest. “The lightning was so close to the house.”
“Oh yeah, it started about an hour ago,” he said, and came to lay back down beside me.
“Thank you for being here, Adam. I can’t even imagine what you must be thinking about our family.”
“I’m just glad I could help. When you guys moved away, it was like a void in town. Everyone noticed.” Another streak of lightning flashed in front of the window; it was deafening.
“I wish I knew what was wrong with me.”
“Do you think there is something wrong?”
“Yes, maybe, I don’t know. I have been seeing things, hearing voices call my name. I have been scared of everything. This has never happened before.”
“I am always going to be here if you need to talk or whatever,” he said casually. I smiled at the ‘whatever’ part.
“Emily,” I heard a whisper from outside the door.
“Do you hear it?” I asked, looking at Adam.
“Hear what?”
“Someone calling me.” He shrugged and stood next to me, grabbing my hand and opening the door. There was no one there.
“Emily,” I heard again, but this time, it was coming from downstairs. Pulling Adam along with me, I made my way down the stairs.
I heard my name called one more time from the dining-room area. There was no one there.
“Okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, just hearing things I guess.”
“Okay, then back to bed it is.” I nodded, and he pulled me along back up the stairs.
I woke up. There was no sign of storms, the birds were chirping, and except for a strong wind, only signs of storm were the mud puddles along the sides of the road. Today, the windows were arriving. No more looking at the plastic.
Adam and his dad refused to let me and Raylene help with the windows. Ben was allowed to help with some of it. Raylene and I sat on the porch, drinking coffee, laughing at the conversation above us. Ben had caught his sleeve in between the window frame and the wall, they were trying to pull it out without removing the whole window.
Glancing down the road, I stiffened, as I saw James’s car driving up. He said he would come to talk to explain. Before he even got to the house, the hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end. Raylene looked at me and was about to leave.
“Don’t go.”
“But this has nothing to do with me.”
“Please don’t, just in case he is not himself.” I saw hesitation in her eyes, but she stayed.
James walked up to the porch and looked at the two of us.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“You can talk, but Ray is staying here,” I stated.
“So, I guess you know then?”
“Know that you were cheating on me, yes. You told me that before you left, it is why I dumped you.” He looked at Raylene and then back to me.
“I didn’t know who she was. I am sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter who she was, the fact is you did it, after promising you wouldn’t.”
“Look, I don’t know what she told you, but she found me.”
“Your mom didn’t tell me anything.”
“What? No, not my mom. Raylene.”
“Ray? What does she have to do with you cheating?”
“Because it was her.”
“What? You are not making any sense.”
“The girl I was cheating on you with was your sister. But I didn’t know she was your sister.”
“No, that is a lie. My sister was not even in town then. She is with Ben.”
“I should go,” Raylene said.
“No, tell her,” James said. I looked at Raylene who couldn’t meet my eyes.
“This is between the two of you,” she said, trying to stay out of the conversation.
“Ray, just tell him he is mistaken. You weren’t in town then.” She didn’t say anything.
“Just tell her, damn it,” he said, punching the post of the railing. It happened so fast.
I screamed. Raylene screamed. James collapsed to his knees, and then slumped over. Sticking out of the top of his head was a piece of glass.
Our screams had the guys rushing to us. Blood was pouring out of the top of James’s head. Through our sobs, we tried to explain what happened. Both Ben and Adam were trying to calm a hysterical Raylene and I down, while Adam’s dad called the doctor and checked to see if he was alive.
He shook his head.
“Have to get the rest of the glass off the roof. We can’t have this happening to anyone else. Oh, dear god, what is Sylvia going to say?” It made me sick just thinking about it. I knew I had to call her. But, how could I? No, I couldn’t do it. I started shaking uncontrollably. Ben went to get the glass off the roof after he got Raylene to calm down. Adam got me and Raylene a blanket.
A short time later, we had the doctor, the police, and the coroner at the cabin.
One by one, they took our statements. I gave them Sylvia’s number to call her. I couldn’t believe it. One second, he was standing there, the next he was lying on the steps, with blood pooling around his head, the jagged piece of glass sticking out of the top.
I was glad when it was all over and they had his body moved. It did not remove the pictures of his lifeless body from my mind. I had been with him for so long and having him lying there was painful to see.
“You should get some rest,” Raylene said.
“I can’t leave it there,” I replied, and grabbed cleaning supplies from the kitchen. I had to get rid of the blood. As I cleaned, I cried. Yes, he cheated on me, and it was like a knife to the chest, but he didn’t deserve this.
He cheated. He said it was with Raylene. His mom recognized her. But she couldn’t have been. She wasn’t in town. Was she? Could she have come in a few days before she showed up?
No, not tonight. I couldn’t handle anymore. Tonight was for James. I thought about the good times. The day he made me play hooky from work to take me to the Star Trek movie marathon at the theater. They were playing all six original movies. He knew how much of a sci-fi nerd I was.
I remembered the day we ran into his mom shopping. It was a couple days after she walked in on us having sex. He was so embarrassed that he tried to hide before she could see him. But she saw him anyway. It was an awkward day for both of them. Or, there was the time he rented a sea doo and stalled it in the middle of the lake. It took two hours for someone to find us and tow us back to shore. We spent the rest of the weekend putting aloe on each other. We were so burnt.
Then there was the freezing November day he dared me to go skinny dipping, saying he would do it if I did. I jumped in and he ended up chickening out but was very helpful in warming me up afterward. My tears dropped down onto his pool of blood. I sat down and hugged my knees. I appreciated that no one came out to help me, although I could feel their eyes on me every now and then.
“What did you do? You killed him. He loved you and you killed him,” Sylvia said, running up to me and slapping me across the face. James’s dad came up behind her to restrain her. Had I really been out here for that long? Sylvia standing in front of me must mean that I had been.
“She loved him too, dear.”
“No, she didn’t, she left him.” She calmed down enough for him to let her go and came after me again. Just when she was going to slap me again, Adam grabbed her hand.
“This is not Emily’s fault.”
“Let my wife go,” James’s dad said sternly. Adam released his grip.
“You, you took her away from my son,” Sylvia said, glaring at Adam.
“No, Sylvia, your son cheated on me. I wanted to marry him, and he cheated on me.”
“With your sister,” she said, looking at Raylene, who was standing in the doorway. “You sent your sister after my son, so you would have a reason to leave him.”
“My sister has been travelling for the last 12 years. I haven’t heard from her much. I told you that already. And why would I want James to cheat on me? That is twisted that you would think I would do something like that.”
“Enough,” Ben said, standing firmly beside Raylene. “Why are you here?”
“I needed directions to get to the doctor’s house,” James’s dad said quickly, knowing this could escalate quickly. Adam knew the area and helped him with directions so they could leave.
We thought we were in the clear with Sylvia, but then she saw the dark spot on the porch that I was still working on in between me crying and thoughts of James, and that sent her back into rage and hysteria. Ben helped James’s dad put her back in the car. I returned to cleaning up the blood.
“No matter how much you scrub, his blood will always be on your hands,” she screamed out the window.
“Don’t listen to her,” Adam said. “She is just upset. It was not your fault.”
“Yes, it is. I left the glass on the roof.”
“You got hurt, and then James got sick. Honestly, I had forgotten all about it.”
“That is not an excuse. She was right. Look, I know you are trying to help, but could I please be alone?” He looked hurt but went in the house. I caught a glimpse of him watching me through the window. I guess I couldn’t blame him for keeping an eye on me. He has done nothing but try to help since this whole situation started. I felt bad.
I finished cleaning up the blood and went back inside. I looked around, but everyone had made themselves scarce. I cleaned myself up, then went to look for Adam. He wasn’t in my room. Maybe he thought I needed more space. I went to the spare bedroom. He was asleep. I carefully climbed into bed beside him and pulled his arm around me. He squeezed my hand lightly. Okay, so he wasn’t asleep, he just didn’t want to be pushy.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you.” I felt him kiss the back of my neck.
“You went through a lot tonight. You can behave anyway you want, or feel any way you need to,” he whispered back.
“I don’t think it was my fault. You were right about that.”
“Good. I like to be right.” I could hear the smile in his voice even though I wasn’t looking at him. “You are still not sure, are you?”
“About?”
“Raylene. You have your doubts?”
“How can they both say it was her? Why would they lie?”
“I can’t answer that.”
“I know. What sucks is that now if I say nothing, it is going to drive me crazy. But do I really want to know the truth? I don’t want to ruin the relationship; I just got her back.” He didn’t say anything, he just held me tightly.
I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see James dying over and over again. I would see him lying in the blood. Each time, I would jolt myself awake, and each time, Adam would give me a gentle squeeze, reassuring me he was watching over me. When the light started peering through the window, I forced myself out of bed. There was no point struggling anymore.
Adam said he had to leave for a bit to get a change of clothes, and do a few errands, but that he would be back later. I gave him a long hug; I didn’t want to let him go. He promised he would be back as soon as he could. I sat on the porch, trying to forget the dreams. Trying to forget that I was sitting not more than five feet from where James died.
James was dead. Why would that thought not seem real? I watched it happen yesterday. Why did it feel so far away? I didn’t know how to feel. He was the first person that I watched die right in front of me. It is different from getting the phone call, with those, you can’t do nothing about it; the person is already dead, like with my dad or my mom. But to see it happen in front of you in seconds and not be able to stop it. To watch it unfold in front of you and…I kept going over it in my mind. I didn’t want to. I needed a distraction. Is that cold of me? Was it wrong of me to try and move on so quickly? He hurt me multiple times, is that how I was justifying wanting to forget?
“You shouldn’t feel bad. There was nothing you could have done,” Dad said, sitting with his back to the gravestone.
“Dad?”
“It’s nice of you to come visit.”
“Did I? How did I?”
“Just accept it. Don’t you like talking to me? Seeing me?”
“Yes, but you are not real.”
“Of course I’m not, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk. You obviously have something on your mind.”
“But I can’t, I’m not crazy.”
“No one said you are, Sweety, but this might be your way of dealing with whatever situation you might be in.” I gave up arguing with him. I told him the situation, with James, and the possible situation with Raylene. The stuff with Adam.
“Emily, are you all right?” I woke up to Raylene shaking me awake.
“I’m fine,” I said, looking around. Somehow, I ended up at the graveyard. I didn’t remember coming out here. Not wanting Raylene to worry, I didn’t say anything.
“I made lunch; you should come get some.”
“I’ll be in, in a minute.” She left. I turned back to the grave and ran my fingers over his name. “Thanks, Dad, kind of sneaky, but very appreciated.” He helped me sleep. I slept and did not see James. I slept for the whole morning and felt happier. Even though it was a dream, I felt much better just being able to talk to him. Maybe Adam was right. I would have to tell him that, I thought, smiling. I went inside to join Raylene.
I tried to act normal around Raylene, but the nagging of James’s words kept entering my head.
“Ray, please be honest. Was it you…with James?”
“How can you ask that?”
“Because two people said it was you, and honestly, it was just me assuming you were not in town. For all I know, you could have been here.”
“Why would I do something like that to you?”
“You might not have known he was with me. I don’t know.”
“I don’t know what to say, Emily, I—”
“Never mind, I am being stupid, you wouldn’t cheat on Ben.”
There was a knock on the door. It was James’s parents.
“We spent all night with the doctor and the cops, and they said there was no foul play. It was just a wrong place at the wrong time thing. My wife wanted to sue, but I have since talked her out of it. I know you loved my son, and that you must be having a hard time with this as well.”
“Thank you. I am really sorry for your loss.” He nodded.
“Well, I just wanted to let you know; I am sorry my son hurt you. I also wanted to ask you not to come to the funeral, my wife just calmed down. I don’t think it would be wise for you to attend,” he said, and turned to leave.
“I understand. Thank you for coming by.” He nodded again and hurried away.
“That was nice of him,” Raylene said, coming around the corner.
“Yes, it was.” Ben drove up and asked Raylene to go into town to get groceries with him. Excitedly, she agreed. Sitting still, apparently, was not something she liked to do. She also was never the type to dwell on things, she moved on quickly ever since she was a kid. There are times I wished I could be more like her.
I realized, after they drove off, that Raylene never answered my question, although I kind of realized that I gave her the out by thinking she wouldn’t cheat on Ben. I decided to clean. Hopefully to get my mind off things.