Introduction
How I Found the Secret to Successful
Communication with Toddlers
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking out new lands, but in having a new vision.”
—Marcel Proust
Where did your baby go? One day you’re cradling a tiny newborn in your arms, all of parenthood stretched out in front of you. Then before you know it, you’re living with an all-new creature—cuter than ever, but suddenly opinionated, stubborn, and lightning fast. Welcome to toddlerhood!
Toddlerhood is one of the joyous high points of parenthood. There’s nothing like a one-, two-, or three-year-old to help you see the world in wonderful new ways: the bugs in the grass … the shapes in the clouds … the “castles” in a pile of sand. Toddlers brim with curiosity, excitement, and irresistible charm.
But as every parent knows, it’s not all fun. Toddlerhood is like three parts fiesta mixed with two parts wrestling match and one part jungle safari. That’s why, around the first birthday, many parents experience a mini “clash of civilizations” as their toddlers’ actions and opinions put them on a collision course with the rules and expectations of the family.
One big reason toddlers act so wild is because during these early years, they experience an explosive rush of brain development that frequently knocks them off balance. Between your child’s first and fourth birthdays, he’ll be carried on a thrilling journey, like a galloping horse ride, that will magically transform him from a wobbly, grunting (and adorable) little being into a singing, joking, thoughtful little person … right in front of your eyes.
Progress Has Its Price
All that progress comes at a cost—mainly in wear and tear on your back, your patience, and your sanity. Anyone living with a toddler knows how quickly the emotional climate can shift. One minute all is bliss. Then bam! They cry, scream, and erupt into a tantrum (often in the most embarrassing places). Despite your best intentions, it can feel like the only words that come out of your mouth are “No!” “Stop!” and “Don’t touch!” And that’s no fun.
No wonder questions about patience, sharing, and misbehavior top the list of concerns parents of toddlers bring to their pediatricians. The hundreds of books and thousands of articles written on the subject are clear proof that if you’re having a hard time dealing with your toddler’s behavior, you’re not alone.
For thousands of years, countless generations of parents have struggled to get their young kids to behave. Too often, they used beating and bullying to provide the necessary discipline. Parents who didn’t hit their sassy toddlers were warned that their children would grow into spoiled and rebellious youths.
Fortunately, many communities began to phase out harsh physical punishment as a parenting tool fifty years ago. However, all too often it was replaced by another very negative approach—verbal aggression. Parents commonly responded to their toddlers’ undesirable behaviors with verbal attacks and threats such as “You’re stupid!” or “Shut up, or I’ll really give you something to cry about!”
Over the past thirty years, we have come to recognize the destructive effects of rejection and hurtful words. Gradually we began to encourage parents to answer their child’s outbursts with love and reason. Unfortunately, while patient explanations and respectful words work well with big kids, this approach often flops when it comes to soothing stormy toddlers.
But if big-kid-style communication is not the answer, what can a parent do to raise a kind, cooperative toddler? Plenty! However, before you can learn what to do, you need to understand one odd but critically important fact….
Your Toddler Is Not Just a Miniature Child
Toddlers are not simply miniaturized versions of older kids. Their brains are much more immature, which makes their whole way of thinking more rigid and primitive and makes their behavior quite … uncivilized. In fact, over the next few years, one of your top parental jobs will be to civilize your child: teach him to say “please” and “thank you,” to wait his turn, and to pee in the potty.
The uncivilized nature of toddlers became apparent to me as a young pediatrician. At the start of my career, I followed the advice in “the books” and spoke patiently with the crying kids I was examining. But my kind words often backfired and made them scream even more! So I began trying other approaches.
I tried distraction (“Hey, look at this fun toy!”), reassurance (“See, it really tickles.”), empathy (“I know you hate shots, but …”), and respect (“May I check if your ears are healthy inside?”). But my loving words often just bounced right off of them. I might as well have been talking Swahili for all the good it did. Despite my best attempts, too many toddler checkups ended with a frustrated mom holding a frantic child being examined by a flustered doctor.
Then it suddenly dawned on me—toddlers don’t think like older kids … so why speak to them like older kids?
Compared to older children, toddlers have immature brains (no surprise there), and when they get upset the brain center that controls language, logic, and patience literally shuts down. No wonder they become impulsive and their behavior gets primitive. (FYI—the same shift happens in our adult brains when we get upset; that’s why angry grown-ups rant and rave … and become impatient and irrational!)
Eureka! Suddenly it all made sense. It was no accident that there was a little toddler in The Flintstones named Bamm-Bamm. Upset toddlers spit, scratch, and yell because their stressed-out brains fall apart. In seconds, they’re transformed from little children to a bunch of Conan the Barbarians. And, the more upset they get … the more uncivilized they act.
I tested out my new theory by speaking to my cranky little patients in a simpler, more primitive language (kind of like Tarzan in the movies), and I was amazed to discover that I could often soothe their tears—and even get a few smiles—in less than one minute! It was a huge breakthrough.
A New Mind-Set: Your Sweet Little … Cave-Kid?
“A mind once stretched to a new idea never returns to its original size.”
—Oliver Wendell Holmes
Until recently, people mistakenly thought that most babies cried because of gassy stomach pain. Then, in my first book, The Happiest Baby on the Block, I offered a radical new idea: Essentially, our tiny babies are born three months before they’re fully ready for the world. And when we create this “fourth trimester” for them by imitating the sensations they loved in the womb—the coziness, the sounds, and the rhythmic motions—they calm down much faster and sleep much longer.
Ah-ha! Suddenly, a lot of things made sense:
1. Car rides soothe fussing not by stopping gas pains, but by mimicking the motions and sounds within the womb and flipping on a baby’s calming reflex.
2. Cuddling doesn’t spoil babies, because before birth they’re held 24/7! (So even holding a baby for twelve hours a day is a dramatic 50 percent cutback.)
3. Swaddling and strong white noise help babies sleep because they re-create the sensations they are familiar with from the womb.
4. Babies often cry when they’re left unwrapped and alone in total quiet because of the sensory deprivation they experience—sort of like sticking an adult in a dark closet—which is such a contrast to the constant symphony of sensations they enjoyed in the womb.
Parents (and grandparents) who stretched their minds to the ideas in The Happiest Baby were quickly rewarded. Using my tips, they learned to soothe their babies’ fussies and immediately add at least one to three hours to their infants’ sleep!
Well, it turns out that you can be just as successful with toddler-calming and -cooperation as you can with baby-calming when you stretch your mind to the innovative key concept of The Happiest Toddler : Little kids are a lot like little cavemen.
Ah-ha! Suddenly, a lot of things make sense:
• Toddlers forget to say “please” and “thank you” because, like cavemen, they’re impatient and impulsive. (They don’t yet value these little niceties of society.)
• Toddlers bravely defy us, like cavemen hunting elephants and buffalo, even though we’re many times their power and size!
• Toddlers, just like our ancient relatives, love face paint, sticking feathers in their hair, drawing on walls, and banging on drums.
• Toddlers have trouble being reasonable and rational (even on a good day) because, like early humans, their brains’ language, logic, and patience control center is too immature.
But if the idea that toddlers are like cavemen sounds odd to you, don’t take my word for it. Visit any park and watch the kids “at work.” The five-year-olds act like little “people,” taking turns and using words to settle conflicts, while the one-year-olds act like little “cavemen” (or even chimpanzees), walking clumsily, shoving to go first, and shrieking when upset.
Of course, even the wildest toddler isn’t really a caveman! But you can use this concept like a magic window through which you can see your child’s behavior in a profound new way.
And once you stretch your mind to accommodate this curious new idea and start learning the simple techniques in this book, you’ll be stunned by how quickly your toddler’s behavior will improve. You will literally be able to end 50 percent of tantrums in seconds and prevent 50 to 90 percent of outbursts before they even happen.
What if your toddler is the rare child who is sweet and mild and never has outbursts? Well, you’ll find that The Happiest Toddler approach is still a great tool because it will help you:
• boost your child’s patience, respect, and cooperation
• teach him to be a good friend and listener
• build his confidence and self-esteem
• help him to grow up emotionally happy and healthy
I know that sounds like a lot for one book to promise, but the tips you’re about to learn really work! Which is why The Happiest Toddler quickly became the number one toddler book in America within weeks of its release in 2004.
So Why Did I Write a New Edition?
Since first writing The Happiest Toddler, I’ve spoken with thousands of parents, grandparents, educators, and healthcare champions across the country. Their questions and feedback have helped me make the approach even easier to use.
This new, improved edition is loaded with new examples and illustrations. It’s also more tightly organized and gets to the point faster, to help busy parents put the advice into action … immediately! Here’s what you’re about to learn:
Part One: Toddler/Parent Basics. The first part of the book discusses why toddlers behave the way they do and why that behavior can be so very, very hard on us. I’ll discuss why your job is not to be the boss or buddy of your little child, but rather to be like an ambassador. (Ambassadors are diplomats who skillfully build great relationships by using respectful words and setting clear limits.)
Part Two: Toddler Communication Basics. Here you’ll learn the two key skills that you need to become the best ambassador/parent on your block: the Fast-Food Rule (the key tip for connecting with anyone who is upset) and Toddler-ese (the easy way to translate anything you want to say into your toddler’s natural language).
Part Three: Behavior Basics. In Part Three, you’ll learn several highly effective ways to boost your child’s good (“green-light”) behaviors, curb annoying (“yellow-light”) behaviors, and immediately stop unacceptable (“red-light”) behaviors.
Part Four: How Do I Handle This One? Finally, I’ll show you how to use The Happiest Toddler approach to quickly solve everyday challenges such as tantrums, fears, defiance, dawdling, biting, picky eating, and many more.
In this book, you will pick up many highly effective parenting tips … some that even lead to instant improvement! Pick a few that make the most sense to you and—here’s the important part—try to practice them several times a day for a week or two. Practice is the key. Through practice you will build your (and your child’s) confidence and success. And bit by bit, as you feel more competent and effective, you and your child will develop a relationship that is full of fun, respect, and caring.
Now I’m thrilled to invite you to read on and learn how to help your wonderful little child become the happiest toddler on the block.
Note: I recommend that you begin using the approach described in this book when your child is around nine months of age. Starting when your child is very young will help you avoid many problems before they occur. But even if you begin years later, I promise you’ll find that The Happiest Toddler approach will help you every single day—well past your child’s fourth birthday. In fact, parents often comment that these skills have improved their connection with their older children, their bosses, their neighbors … and even with their own parents.