THE ANGER THAT FUELS EVERYTHING
I really believe that all of us have a lot of darkness
in our souls. Anger, rage, fear, and sadness. I
don’t think that’s reserved for people who have
horrible upbringings. I think it really exists and is
part of the human condition. I think in the course
of your life you figure out ways to deal with that.
—KEVIN BACON
I can’t believe how I acted,” Rebecca said to me in an urgent phone call. I’d counseled her over the phone a couple of times before.
“I just snapped,” she continued, her frustration obvious. “My husband stared at me in disbelief, obviously shocked at my outburst. It wasn’t like me, but I couldn’t help myself.”
I asked more questions.
“What do you mean when you say you snapped?” Sure, I’d heard and understood this term, but I needed Rebecca to explain what it meant to her.
“I yelled at my husband,” she said. “I called him rude and insensitive. I don’t know what else I said, but it wasn’t good.”
“Tell me more about what was going on,” I said. “What was happening just before you snapped?”
“Not that much,” she said. “My brother and sister-in-law were in the room too, and I’m just so embarrassed. This is not like me.”
“I hear you,” I said, “but let’s try to understand why you blurted out what you did. You didn’t react out of nothing. It sounds like you were being mistreated.”
I wanted to understand the context of her angry outburst.
“Our marriage is awful,” Rebecca said. “Sam treats me with contempt. I said something and he rolled his eyes at me and then laughed at what I was saying. I just yelled at him. He talks to me the way my parents talk to me and the way my brother talks to me. I hate it. But I usually can hold it in.”
“Did he hurt your feelings?” I asked.
“He hurts my feelings all the time,” she said sharply. “My brother typically sticks up for him, and my sister-in-law is like me. She does nothing. Her marriage is probably the same as mine. She’s probably in the same boat.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“My brother is mean, like my husband,” she said. “My brother turned out just like my dad. He treats me and my sister rudely, and his wife is like me. But I usually don’t react. I usually pretend I didn’t see his actions or hear his words. But this time I couldn’t hold back my words. I told my husband he was mean and then walked out of the room. I never do that.”
“What do you normally do?” I asked.
“I’m not sure,” she said. “I kind of pretend not to see it.”
Rebecca paused and seemed to reflect further.
“I guess I defend myself a little and then shut down,” she said. “It doesn’t do any good to stick up for myself. I’ve never stood up for myself with my family. I’ve learned not to share my real feelings. I hate the way my dad, brother, and my husband treat me. I guess I’m carrying around anger about it. I don’t know.”
“That’s a good place to begin,” I said. “Typically anger is a feeling we have when we feel wronged in some way. Let’s talk about that possibility.”
I spent more time with Rebecca helping her understand the context of her anger—why she feels what she feels, how she expresses it, and the impact it has on her well-being and her relationships. I told her that her anger sounded justified and there was much she could learn from it. It could become an ally, but she needed to learn why she reacted the way she did.
In this chapter we’ll focus on anger—anger that fuels.
How can we explain what happened to this woman? Her eruption was not typical for her. She shared that she typically stuffed her hurt and finally reacted to a provocation and exploded—completely out of character for her.
This is often the case with anger. Many try to control it, suppressing it until it leaks out. It can come out in an explosive tirade or more indirectly. It has been said if we are passive long enough we will become passive-aggressive, or aggressive. Anger cannot and will not be suppressed indefinitely.
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to a threat of some kind. Anger is an emotional state varying in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury or rage. It ranges from feeling tense to feeling enraged.
Anger begins by feeling threatened in some way, leading to a surge in blood pressure and an increase in energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline. We are ready to defend ourselves. Our pupils constrict, our muscles tighten, our breathing becomes shallow, and we ready ourselves for combat.
Unfortunately, too often we fail to understand and deal with our anger appropriately, and the result is what happened with Rebecca—she just “snapped.” She was surprised by her angry eruption, and her husband and family may have been as well.
In my book The Power of Emotional Decision Making, I share the following story about my own father:
My father would come home in the early evening after a long day at the office and find dishes in the sink. He was obviously displeased about this, expecting the house to be orderly and peaceful. He subsequently spewed anger at my mother and my sisters, ultimately turning his anger onto me for failing to take the garbage out.
“What have you been doing all afternoon? I told you to have those dishes in the sink cleaned when I got home!”
And then he turned on me.
“Why haven’t you taken out the garbage, David?”
I’d sputter something, having no good excuse.
“I’ll do it, Dad.”
“Do it now!”
The unpredictability of my father’s eruptions was the most confusing part. Because he was generally a happy and even playful man, his anger frightened me. When I sensed he was in a foul mood, ready to pounce on someone, I’d head for the basement to hide out. I didn’t like his anger and most certainly didn’t like to be the recipient of it.1
Unexpressed Anger
How can we understand Rebecca and my father? Both snapped. Both erupted, much like a volcano erupts with molten lava. Both this woman and my father had a kind of “molten lava” buried within them, and the impact of their suppressed anger on themselves and those around them was destructive.
Anger is generally considered a secondary emotion. When we look deeper, we often find that our molten lava is really hurt, sadness, fear, and other emotions that have not been metabolized. Notice that Rebecca, her husband, her father, her brother, and my father had other feelings they were not dealing with in a healthy manner. Again, this emotion must go somewhere. That is one reason the body cannot help but contain all this unexpressed tension.
All emotion is helpful and natural, but anger leads us astray very quickly. We know that bottling up emotions is unhealthy. There is much evidence that unexpressed anger can lead to all kinds of physical symptoms, which we will address later in this chapter.
Most of us feel uncomfortable with our anger. We might have a sense we are carrying around some molten lava, and we seek ways to suppress it. But anger, like most emotions, is e-motion, energy in motion. You cannot simply suppress it. You cannot wish it away, but you can pretend it isn’t there and doesn’t exist.
Unexpressed anger, however, creates all kinds of problems and leaks out in indirect ways. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger such as the following:
• Passive-aggressive behavior. We find ways to get even with those we carry grudges against. We might avoid them, withdrawing from them, or find ways of not supporting them. We may “forget” to do something they have asked of us.
• Sarcasm. Sarcasm has been called anger in a clown suit. Sarcasm is derisive and hurtful, always concealing inner turmoil and tension.
• Physical tirades. Sooner or later anger erupts. Anger eruptions may take the form of slamming doors, throwing things, or stomping around.
• Verbal tirades. Molten, eruptive anger may take the form of a temper tantrum, spewing forth of verbal accusations. The verbal tirade may include name-calling, threats, and ultimatums.
• Sulking. Withdrawing from our mate, we punish them with our silence, all the while justifying our right to do so. The “silent treatment” is a particularly lethal form of passive aggression.
• Cynicism. Carrying around the molten lava for a period of time leads to a cynical spirit. We tend to be negative and critical of others, and this sour attitude impacts everyone in our world.
• Criticizing everything. Closely related to cynicism, harboring anger often leads to being critical about little things. We become perfectionistic and watch for others failing to live up to our standards, so we can point it out.
Can you imagine how these behaviors wreak havoc on us both emotionally and with potential physical side effects? This list of behaviors causes untold impact on the body and mind. One cannot have adrenaline surging through the body on a chronic basis without it taking an enormous toll. Remember the emotional hangover discussed in the last chapter?
There is a difference between anger, the kind we all experience from time to time, and toxic anger, which lingers internally and is corrosive to ourselves and others. Anger felt and expressed in a respectful way can be useful; but toxic, vitriolic anger hurts everyone. Toxic anger is often a major component of relationship stress—as in the case of Rebecca.
Remember, Rebecca had felt disrespected and dismissed by her father, brother, and husband for years. This fueled her suppressed anger. Ultimately feeling provoked by her husband, she exploded. The anger she carries is the result of being victimized by relationship stress from her husband, brother, and father.
Dr. Jennice Vilhauer writes, “While anger is a normal emotion that when expressed appropriately can facilitate communication and understanding in a relationship, being on the receiving end of someone else’s out of control anger can be a very distressing experience that shuts down healthy communication.”2
My father had toxic anger. Why do I say that? Because my mother, my siblings, and I tiptoed around him at times. Dr. Vilhauer continues, “When people don’t trust your emotional responses, and feel they are always walking around on egg shells in your presence, they will change their behavior as a way to prevent triggering your anger. They stop communicating honestly and won’t tell you things that they fear may upset you. This results in a loss of authenticity in the relationship.”
Rebecca’s husband also seems to have toxic anger. Not only does Rebecca tiptoe around him, but she also harbors her own anger. His seems to be explosive while she is implosive. Both are very damaging.
Impact of Toxic Anger
Anger has a horrific impact on our bodies and our emotional well-being. Certainly this is why Scripture says so much about anger. The apostle Paul says that when (not if) we become angry, we should not sin (Ephesians 4:26).
The apostle James says, “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:19 NLT).
Toxic anger—the kind of anger that causes others to shrink and tiptoe around you—is horrifically damaging to everyone’s well-being. Toxic anger negatively impacts the body and the mind. Relationships cannot thrive in the midst of toxic anger. Let’s consider the emotional impact of living with toxic anger.
The predominant result of toxic anger is fear. Those who live with a toxically angry person have little choice but to shrink in the face of such anger. Fearing reprisal, many in severe relationship stress become smaller and smaller, less and less authentic. To be real means to face scrutiny, criticism, and shame. It becomes easier to slowly withdraw and bury deeper feelings of insecurity and distrust, and the relationship becomes less dynamic.
Rebecca walks on eggshells around her husband, brother, and father. She stifles her anger and occasionally snaps, surprising even herself with her feelings. Tragically, not only does Rebecca live in fear, but she is a ticking time bomb, for she cannot suppress her anger indefinitely. If she cannot express her hurt and emotional distress directly and safely, she will push her feelings down until she snaps again.
She is surprised by her reactions. But when we hear her story we can well imagine that she has underlying feelings of sadness, insecurity, fear, abandonment, and neglect. She cannot, however, share any of those feelings, whether she understands them or not. Subsequently, all these feelings are suppressed and become fuel for her emotional and physical distress.
What is this doing to Rebecca’s marriage? Rebecca begins to emotionally divorce her husband one emotional wound at a time. She carries fear and hurt in her body as she also pushes away from her brother, sister-in-law, and parents. Her marriage becomes less and less viable, and her emotional and physical health decline.
All this toxicity takes a huge toll on a person.
In her article “Anger: A Toxic Emotion That May Be Killing You,” Diana Anderson-Tyler indicates dangers anger presents to our bodies, including:
1. Increased risk of heart disease. Anderson-Tyler cites 44 studies published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology that found evidence of a link between emotions and heart disease. Scientists speculate that stress hormones activated by anger, such as adrenaline and cortisol, speed up your heart rate and breathing and cause your blood pressure to rise and blood vessels to constrict.
2. Damage to the liver and kidneys. Anderson-Tyler notes that the frontal lobe of our brains serves an important role in controlling rage. If you’re continuously provoked by anger-inducing triggers, this state of response can begin to cause a decrease in the production of acetylcholine, a hormone that tempers the severe side effect of adrenaline, weakening the heart, stiffening arteries, and causing liver damage.
3. Slowing in the body’s healing process. Studies show that individuals who have trouble controlling their anger were four times more likely to need more time to heal wounds, compared to those who mastered their anger.3
You can see that anger has a powerful impact on our bodies and our emotions. It destroys our bodies and equally destroys our relationships. Only under the most cautious circumstances can it be an emotion used for good.
Anatomy of an Angry Man
Todd is an angry man. Actually, truth be told, Todd is a sad, hurt, fearful man. He modeled himself after his angry father, who learned how to be angry from his father. In Todd’s family, anger has been a way of dealing with painful feelings for generations.
Todd was referred to me by his wife, as is often the case for men with anger issues. His wife talked to me briefly prior to my appointment with him, sharing that his anger was a horrible problem. She was considering a separation if he would not seek counsel with me.
A 40-year-old firefighter who had been married for 20 years, he was reluctant to admit his problem and became more defensive when I began probing.
“Look,” he began, clearly attempting to take control of our session. “I know what my wife is saying about me, but you don’t know the whole story. I’d like to tell you about her first.”
“I certainly don’t know the whole story, but would like to,” I shared. “Can we talk about why she wants you to see me?”
“We can,” he said, hesitating. “But that means you’ve already got your mind made up and there’s no point in me even talking.”
“Actually, Todd,” I said, “I want to talk about her concerns as well as yours. Let’s address her concerns first, and I assure you there will be time for you to share your concerns later.”
He was not about to give any ground.
“I don’t need to say anything,” he said sarcastically. “Let’s just let her run the show. That’s typical. I’m a puppet and I’ll just tell you what you want to hear.”
Todd’s seething anger was thinly veiled. I imagined he was feeling very threatened by the idea of seeing a psychologist. He wanted to present facts in a controlling manner, creating a favorable impression. When that failed, he immediately shifted to playing the victim and attempted to manipulate me, tactics he undoubtedly used with his wife as well.
What was happening inside Todd? Why did he have such a strong need to make a certain impression?
As I’ve said, anger is most often a secondary emotion, meaning we often resort to anger to protect ourselves from other feelings, and this was certainly true for Todd. Because he didn’t know how to feel or talk about other more gentle and vulnerable emotions, anger was the one emotion he felt strangely comfortable in expressing.
Yes, anger, according to most psychologists, is a secondary emotion, if even an emotion. This means that while we call anger an emotion, almost invariably anger covers more vulnerable feelings.
In an article for Psychology Today, Dr. Leon Seltzer says, “Those of us who routinely use anger as a ‘cover-up’ to keep our more vulnerable feelings at bay, generally become so adept at doing so that we have little to no awareness of the dynamic driving our behavior… anger is the emotion of invulnerability.”4
Todd has never learned to identify and discuss his feelings. He has never learned how to assertively share his hurt or sadness, risking making himself more vulnerable in the process. He has only learned to be strong and dominant, a bully. When he is a bully he never has to wrestle with his softer emotions of fear, hurt, and sadness. He feels powerful and strong when he is angry, and he finds that his anger fuels everything in his life.
Anger as a Cry for Help
As destructive as most anger is, it is often a cry for help. Disguised, it is rarely seen for what it is.
I’ve worked with countless traumatized women who suffer from narcissistic and emotional abuse. In nearly every situation I find women who have experienced what Rebecca experienced—sudden, seemingly inexplicable anger. They have acted like a can of Coke, shaken and opened.
These women don’t want to be angry. They are often ashamed, surprised, and embarrassed by the magnitude of their emotion. They don’t want to get hooked into fights. They feel out of control, emotionally and relationally. They want help. They want change. They want a troubled situation to be righted.
Their anger is a cry for help, and when we see it as such we can begin to get to the bottom of things.
To be fair, the same can be said for men. Few men really want to be angry. They know no other way to verbalize their pain. As much as any of us may want to push our anger away and deny it exists, something hidden often seeks expression.
On this topic Richard Rohr writes in Falling Upward: “Invariably when something upsets you, and you have a strong emotional reaction out of proportion to the moment, your shadow self has just been exposed. So watch for any overreactions or overdenials.”5
Whether your anger is a cry for help or a cover-up for some other painful feeling or need, the solution is to be gently curious and go on a search for what you really need.
Anger disguised is very hard to be around. Stephen Hawking wisely said, “People won’t have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.”6
While anger is a natural emotion, it’s like TNT and must be handled very carefully. Anger, unrefined and unmanaged, pushes people away. No one wants to be around someone who has anger sitting just below the surface. We all sense, and fear, that anger usually leaks out, often in a most destructive way.
Dr. Harville Hendrix, in his popular book Getting the Love You Want, writes that he has witnessed the corrosive impact of anger: “Anger is destructive to a relationship, no matter what its form. When anger is expressed, the person on the receiving end of the attack feels brutalized, whether or not there has been any physical violence.”7
There is no question that destructive, emotionally abusive relationships create anger and frustration, leading to acting out emotion in indirect ways such as sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, and sporadic, outward explosion. Subsequently, relationships are further impacted, including our relationship to our Self.
Remember that as we push away from others due to their anger, we push away from opportunities to relate effectively and to grow emotionally. We lose opportunities to feel safe and explore ourselves.
Righteous Indignation and the Gift of Anger
Because anger has so much destructive power, it is not uncommon for us to either suppress it or even outright deny being angry. We must remember that anger is a natural, God-given emotion and can be helpful to our emotional well-being.
Here are a few of the gifts of anger, taken again from my book The Power of Emotional Decision Making:
First, anger can reveal what is important to us. Our anger typically erupts when something important to us is violated or threatened. Our anger signals that our boundaries have been transgressed in some way. Listening carefully to our anger reveals what is important to us. Our anger often reveals our core values, the truths that make us who we are.
Second, anger can give us the power to make difficult decisions and carry them out. Many tolerate injustices for so long and finally, often in a “fit of anger,” stand up for themselves. The surge of cortisol and adrenaline becomes the fuel that fires change. When we are faced with a problem that requires more energy, anger helps spur us into action.
Third, anger defines our boundaries to others. Anger defines who we are and what is important to us. Anger can make a bold statement to others about what we value and how to relate best to us. We teach people how to treat us, and our anger solidifies our boundaries, sending a strong message about how we expect to be treated.
Fourth, anger can be used to make important contact with others. If we are careful about the expression of anger, this emotion can bring us into contact with others in a needful way. We may need to express anger about boundaries that have been violated and clarify what is expected if there is to be an ongoing relationship.
Finally, anger is a call to action. Anger is an alert that something needs to change. Our anger is a very strong signal that all is not right in our world. We have been silent for too long, tolerated too much indignity, or settled for a relationship that is not satisfying. Our anger is a blaring signal and a glaring red light indicating a time for change.8
Choosing to Be a Peacemaker
I believe we never have to fight. I would say the same is true about anger. I’m not sure we ever have to experience this corrosive emotion, except for those rare occasions when righteous indignation is appropriate.
That is rarely the case.
The apostle James says it like this: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight” (James 4:1-2).
James says fighting and anger are rarely completely about someone else, but rather have to do with our own inner attitudes and beliefs. Perhaps we are frustrated with the way things are going, and so we become angry. Perhaps someone violates our flimsy boundaries and we blame them rather than building stronger boundaries.
Both Todd and Rebecca must learn to deal more effectively with their anger. In spite of their histories and current life stories, they can choose to see their anger as a symptom of something else going on inside of them.
The key for Todd and Rebecca, their mates and families, is awareness, insight, and emotion management. Let’s explore how this might work.
Terrence Gorski, in his book Getting Love Right, writes about dealing effectively with your feelings by following this four-step process:
1. Recognize your feelings. Certainly the first step in making progress against anger is to recognize underlying feelings. We have feelings about nearly everything that happens to us in life, and we must become acquainted with those feelings.
2. Label your feelings. Our feelings need labels. Anger is not usually anger, but rather unrecognized hurt, sadness, and fear. We must learn to distinguish our feelings.
3. Affirm your feelings. Then we must affirm and take ownership of our vulnerable feelings. We can say, “I feel sad about this loss. I feel rejected by my husband.” We must embrace our sadness, hurt, and fear. We must draw our hurt close to us and explore the depths of it.
4. Communicate your feelings. Finally, we must communicate those feelings. Ideally we are with someone who cares about our feelings and encourages us to express them. Even in the midst of rejection, however, we can affirm our feelings and express them. We can be the champion of our own feelings.9
We have the power to follow these steps and transform our relationships. While we cannot change others, we can change how we interact with them; and by doing this, we indirectly change them.
Imagine what might happen if Rebecca became clearer about her feelings, labeled them, affirmed them, and then communicated them. What if she set strong boundaries with her husband and family, making it clear when and how she would be involved with them? If she made a practice of these steps, I am quite confident she could have a positive impact on her family.
I know you may have doubts about this, and you may be right. Even so, the act of affirming our feelings even in the face of dismissal will have a positive impact on our self-esteem. If we affirm our feelings, cherishing them as if they were vulnerable, young children, we grow in the process. If we add healthy boundaries to the recipe, all the better.
Healing Our Relationships
If anger perpetuates distance and conflict, affirming ourselves and clarifying our feelings to others increases the possibility of connection.
Think about it. Anger creates distance. We cannot draw close to someone who is angry. We draw close to vulnerability. We want to help those who are suffering and wounded, not those who are intimidating.
Fortunately, we can change the way we react and the way we perceive things. Just this morning I helped a couple move from fighting to connection, from anger to hurt and brokenness. This was all done through the power of changing perceptions and being willing to attach themselves to their more vulnerable emotions.
This couple was wounded. They were the epitome of “hurting people hurt people.” From their woundedness, they spoke harshly to one another. They voiced that it had taken years to create distance and emotional pain, and now they were very distressed. They came to me in crisis.
When I spoke with them, all they could see and feel was pain. Each had hurt the other, and subsequently they pushed away in self-protection. The very act of pushing away, however, caused each other even more pain. They were caught in a vicious cycle.
Beneath their pain they cared about each other. Like most, they longed to be heard, valued, and appreciated. They were expressing their pain in destructive ways as opposed to ways that would enable them to care for each other’s wounds.
Help for them would come from first taking responsibility for the situation they found themselves in. They didn’t just land in the middle of their muddle. They made small choice after small choice leading to their emotional demise. Instead of reaching out to each other to help each other heal, they voiced their pain and blamed their mate for it.
Just as their emotional separation came from a series of destructive choices, healing would come from making small, positive choices. They would have to set their pride aside and see that the other was hurting just as much as they were.
I reminded them that the brain is hardwired for fear; the amygdala is triggered by fear, and perceptions become skewed, emotions become overly aroused, and trouble ensues. They have just a quarter of a second to respond instead of react. We have, according to brain research, a quarter of a second to interrupt every fearful or angry urge and disengage from that urge.
While a quarter of a second may not sound like much time, it is enough to interpret perceptions differently. Dan Baker, in his book What Happy People Know, says it like this:
Taking advantage of this quarter-second is somewhat similar to counting to 10 before allowing yourself to become angry. If you’ve done this, you’ve probably realized you had more control than you’d thought. But it doesn’t take 10 seconds to assert this control. It only takes a fraction of a second.10
It is critical that we all practice stepping back from our perception of truth, doubting ourselves, and with humility considering other possibilities. Just as “hurting people hurt people,” “healed people heal people.”
What if, instead of reacting or snapping, you decided to step back from your emotions? What if you became curious about your reactions to situations, looking within yourself to discover what you are truly feeling and why you are feeling it? This could be a most exciting journey.
From a Physician: Dr. Tyson Hawkins, Internist
Nancy, a 70-year-old married woman, has disabling osteoarthritis in the hands and takes painkillers to make it through the day. She has a hard time sleeping at night and takes sleeping pills. She comes to the office frequently to discuss a variety of concerns ranging from arthritis pain and insomnia to depression, anxiety, and abdominal pain. We have tested blood work on numerous occasions to evaluate for any significant inflammatory cause of her symptoms. It is pretty clear when she is seen, however, that she is suffering from significant stress.
Nancy typically comes in with one or two major complaints, but often spends the majority of her visit discussing her husband. Her husband suffers from a chronic illness which is getting worse. This is taking a toll on Nancy, and subsequently on her health. And it is not just the physical demands that bother her. More than anything she complains that he is becoming angrier. She doesn’t know what to do about him.
He is frequently short with her and more demanding of her time. She is taking over all of the household duties, and he does not express any gratitude. She tells me she thinks she is prepared for the increasing physical demands of keeping up the house but is ill prepared to deal with his anger and irritability. She feels trapped by his needs and complaints.
All of this, notably, coincides with increased medical needs and more frequent office visits. I often wonder if she comes just to unload and talk. She feels reassured that she remains in relatively good health without any new significant medical conditions but does not understand why she feels so unwell. She can see that there is a significant stressor in her life but has a harder time making the connection between her physical complaints and her mental anguish.
Nancy is not atypical in any way. She is living with somebody who is angry, and she is dealing with anger of her own regarding her situation.
Not surprisingly, multiple adverse health effects have been linked to anger. Whether it is from the rush of catecholamines and cortisol released during times of anger or from the adverse behaviors we engage in to alleviate our stress (smoking, drinking, high caloric intake), anger has a variety of documented adverse health effects. A meta-analysis published in 2009 showed an association between anger and coronary heart disease (CHD) in both healthy and known CHD populations.11 Similarly studies show an increased risk of diabetes12 thought due to both adopting unhealthy dietary habits and to elevated inflammatory markers via activation of the sympathetic nervous system. Harvard University found that in healthy people, simply recalling an angry experience from their past caused a six-hour dip in immunoglobulin A levels.13 Immunoglobulin A (IgA) serves an important role in the body as our “first line of defense” against infection. This means that angry people may be more susceptible to infection.
In the plentiful research investigating the health risks associated with anger, not surprisingly the conclusion is that it’s not good for you! Although I can’t identify absolutely which of my patients are dealing with chronic anger, I can tell you which of my patients are seeking medical care more frequently; and I suspect it may have something to do with their emotional status and potentially with unresolved or chronically recurring anger.
Nancy is not an atypical patient. We are working together to help her find a healthier outlet for her frustration, whether it is through support groups, therapy, exercise, or a hobby to get her out of the house for a bit. She, like many caregivers, is becoming increasingly isolated and is feeling the weight of this burden as time goes on.
Love Overcomes Anger
Now we know our anger accomplishes nothing, with the rare exception of righteous indignation. We have learned that most often our anger is fueled by deeper, more vulnerable, and unexpressed feelings.
We also know we cannot truly “fight fire with fire” when it comes to dealing with other angry people. As tempting as it is to explode, meeting injustice with the cool, calm waters of love and compassion does far more than adding the heat of our anger to the situation.
How can we access love when what we feel is bitterness and resentment? How do we access love when we want to get even with someone for the pain they have caused us?
This is a supernatural process. I don’t know if I can find love and compassion apart from God working in and on my heart. For me it requires letting go of the desire to get even and cause another person pain. It requires prayer and willingness to let go of whatever we believe this other person deserves for hurting us.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you must lie down and let others trample on you. I am affirming the importance of caring for yourself—and your obligation to care for yourself.
I believe it is also imperative that you guard your heart at times. Scripture tells us: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). Guarding my heart means I will watch what flows into it and what flows out of it. I want love and kindness to flow out of it, so am careful to associate only with those who bring love and kindness into my life.
What if you find yourself in severe relationship stress, where your mate does not tend to your heart? This situation calls for you to diligently guard your heart even more. You must fervently protect yourself, setting healthy boundaries. Again, if you will do this, positive change is possible.
The Path Forward
In this chapter you have learned that relationship stress is caused by and produces anger. Your anger must be transformed. You must take responsibility for your anger and explore the deeper, more vulnerable emotions hidden below the surface.
Each of us must take responsibility for our emotions and choose our perceptions and perspective. Consider again that you can have a profound impact not only on your mood and mind-set, but on your mate and family as well. Will you choose to be someone who embraces their feelings, affirms them, and then communicates them even if they don’t receive a rousing welcome? Will you choose to be authentic in how you relate first and foremost to yourself and subsequently to others?
This is the only way.
Let’s now continue our journey toward understanding the impact of being lost, alone, and searching for community.