‘I UNDERSTAND.’ REBECCA gave Louise Walker’s hand a squeeze. ‘It’s okay.’
Louise looked up at the clock on the wall of this private room. ‘Colin will be back soon. He’s collecting his parents from the airport. They were on a cruise ship so we’ve had to wait until they got to a port.’
‘He doesn’t know that you asked to meet me?’
The distressed young mother shook her head. ‘He doesn’t want to talk about any of it. Turning off the life support is bad enough but the idea of organ donation is too much for him.’
‘I do understand.’
‘But I want to do it,’ Louise whispered, tears streaming down her face. ‘I keep thinking, what if Ryan was the one who was really sick and needed a new heart or lungs or something? If I was one of those parents who was hoping, every day, that a miracle would happen and that an organ would become available...’
‘There are two sides to every story,’ Rebecca agreed quietly. ‘But everybody feels differently and it would be very wrong to try and force Colin to agree to something he can’t handle.’
‘Dr North says we can take a few days but...it’s so hard. Part of me just wants it to be over, you know? So that we can start trying to put our lives back together.’
‘I understand,’ Rebecca said again. ‘And I don’t want you to feel guilty about not making a decision. Or making the decision for Ryan not to be a donor. It’s something the whole family needs to be sure about.’
‘I know my parents think it’s a good thing—that something good could still come out of this whole horrible accident. All these weeks we’ve had hoping for the impossible.’
Rebecca had to blink away the sudden moisture in her own eyes. Along with the echo of her own broken voice from so long ago.
‘If there’s even the shadow of something good that could come out of this, maybe it’s the fact that the lives of other people’s precious children could be saved.’
‘I think Colin’s parents might, too,’ Louise added. ‘We’re all going to come in and spend time with Ryan over the weekend. That will be the time to talk about it again.’
‘You’ve got my number. If I can support you in any way—with whatever decision you make—please call me.’
‘I will. And thank you.’ She looked up at the clock again. ‘I’d better get back. Mum wants to get home so they can take Gemma to the zoo this afternoon. Weird, isn’t it? But life doesn’t stop, even when it feels like the world should have stopped turning for a while.’
Rebecca let go of her hand, noting how pale and exhausted Louise was looking. ‘Have you been away from here at all yourself?’
Louise shook her head. ‘Every minute counts, doesn’t it?’
The two women parted at the door. Impulsively, Louise hugged Rebecca.
‘I think you do really understand,’ she whispered. ‘It means a lot.’
Rebecca hugged her back. This part of her job often entailed an emotional connection to patients and their families that went above and beyond normal boundaries. Not that she’d ever tell people that she’d been through the same thing herself because that could be a form of pressure to follow her example. That her understanding was genuine seemed to come through unspoken, however, and it was reassuring both to the families she worked with and to herself.
She brought something to this job that nobody else could. It was what she was meant to be doing and she was proud of the difference she could make in the lives of others.
That pride was normally a very private thing that came in moments like this. A public acknowledgement like the one that was to be celebrated at the Teddy Bears’ Picnic was very different. Accolades were unnecessary—embarrassing, even—but any discomfort was outweighed by the joy of being with so many people who’d had their lives transformed by organ donation. There was a real need for public education, too, and this year was even more important given the spotlight that Paddington’s was still under.
As the head of the transplant team, Rebecca knew that she would be under her own spotlight and she knew the responsibility that she carried. Transplant surgery entailed the kind of drama that people loved to hear about. Showcasing Paddington as an important centre with a track record of great success could confirm how necessary it was for this hospital to remain for generations to come. It could be the final push that would mean its safety was officially guaranteed.
* * *
It was a perfect day for the big event.
Not that Thomas had intended to go, but everybody had been talking about it when he’d been in at work doing his usual ward round.
‘They want as many Paddington’s staff members there as possible, to show how united we all are,’ Rosie had told him as she accompanied him to Penny’s room. Julia was apparently worried that her daughter was coming down with a cold or something that might delay the possibility of her going home.
‘I’m going to meet Leo there, as soon as my shift finishes,’ Rosie continued. ‘The twins have got their teddies ready for the “best dressed” bear competition at the end of the day and they’re so excited by the prospect of a pony ride. It’ll be such fun!’
‘The Teddy Bears’ picnic?’ Julia Craig overheard the end of the conversation at they entered her room. ‘I wish we could go. Next year.’ She smiled at Penny. ‘You could take Sapphire.’
‘I want to go now,’ Penny said. ‘I want a pony ride, too.’
‘Let’s see how you are,’ Thomas said. ‘Mummy says you’ve got a sniffle.’
It wasn’t anything to worry about but the Craig family wouldn’t be attending the picnic this time. Maybe it was knowing that Rebecca would be there that tipped the balance as Thomas left Paddington’s early in the afternoon.
It had been so good to see her yesterday when she’d given Penny’s parents that significant pager. To see her return his smile and feel like it was still possible that they could be friends without his head getting so messed up.
That they could rewind a little? To forget that dance. And the kiss.
To start again with some better boundaries in place?
Besides, the day was too perfect to spend either in his office finishing that article or stuck in that shoebox of an apartment that had no view of anything green. Thomas pulled off his tie and opened the top button of his shirt. He rolled his sleeves up and kept walking, taking the same route that he and Rebecca had taken that first time they’d spent some real time together since his return.
The sun shone from a cloudless sky but the slopes of Primrose Hill caught a breeze that kept the temperature pleasant enough for the children to enjoy even the more strenuous activities available, like the egg and spoon races and the obstacle course. Thomas walked past the team of volunteers cooking sausages on barbecues and the gazebo that had a queue of children waiting their turn for face painting. He could see a trio of fat, little ponies that had another queue of excited children waiting and he could hear gleeful shrieks coming from inside the bouncy castle.
There were cameras and reporters everywhere, from television stations, both local and national newspapers and magazines.
And there was Rebecca, looking absolutely gorgeous in blue jeans and a white, short-sleeved shirt that had a teddy bear print on it. She had her long, dark hair tied back but it wasn’t wrapped up into a knot like it would be at work. It hung down her back in a wavy ponytail that was being teased in the breeze.
She hadn’t seen him, because she was focused on the woman she was talking to, and he was partly screened by the man with a huge camera balanced on his shoulder and a young lad who was holding a fluffy microphone on a stick close to the two women. Thomas was simply one of the group of interested onlookers who were watching this interview. He edged a little closer so that he could hear what Rebecca was saying.
‘So three people in the UK die every day because of this shortage. At the moment there are over six thousand people on the transplant waiting list and about two hundred of them are children. And many of those children come to Paddington Children’s Hospital because we’re one of only a few major centres for paediatric transplantation.’
‘But there are organs that could be available, aren’t there?’ the interviewer asked. ‘Is it that people don’t know it’s possible to donate them? Or do they not want to?’
‘It’s complicated,’ Rebecca said, ‘and it’s a difficult subject to even think about for people who are facing the heartbreak of losing a loved one.’
‘What is it that you—and all the other doctors and medical staff here from Paddington’s—want to happen? We’ve got a lot of people watching what’s happening here. What would you tell them was the purpose of a day like today?’
‘Today is about celebrating life.’ Rebecca’s smile lit up her face. ‘Of letting the families that take that amazingly generous step of making organ donation possible realise just how much of a difference they can make to so many lives.’ Her gaze shifted as she waved her arm towards the huge crowd of people around them and then it caught as she spotted Thomas.
She didn’t break her speech. ‘We want people to talk about it. We all think that the sort of terrible situations that lead to organ donation won’t happen to us—that they only happen to other people.’
Her gaze was holding Thomas’s.
‘But, sadly, they do happen to some of us. And if we talk about it before they happen, it might help us make a decision that can change the world for others.’
‘I’m Angela Marton and we’ve been talking to Dr Rebecca Scott.’ The interviewer turned to face the camera. ‘That’s an important message for all of us. And now let’s go and meet some of the children and their families here today whose worlds have been changed.’
She led her crew away and the onlookers drifted in other directions but Thomas stayed where he was. He was still holding Rebecca’s gaze and neither of them were smiling. The moment was, in fact, very close to being tear-jerking.
He began stepping closer at precisely the same moment Rebecca did.
His voice, when he managed to find some words, was raw.
‘We did do the right thing, didn’t we?’
She knew that he was talking about Gwen. About the decision they’d made to donate her organs.
‘Absolutely,’ she whispered. ‘I’m proud of it...aren’t you?’
Thomas had to swallow the huge lump in his throat. ‘I think I am,’ he said softly. ‘I’ve never thought of it like that before.’
Rebecca’s smile was as soft as her gaze. In that moment, that look felt as tender and loving as he remembered it being when they were first in love.
‘I’m so glad you came today,’ she said.
Thomas cleared his throat. ‘Me, too.’
He wanted to sink into that soft gaze. To pull it around him for comfort like the softest blanket on the coldest night.
‘Want an ice cream? Or a sausage? They’re really good.’
Her smile widened until it was as bright as the one she’d given the television crew when she’d said that today was about celebrating life. Their poignant moment of connection was still there, but—as always—Rebecca was finding something positive to move towards.
And he was happy to follow her lead.
‘Actually, I’m starving. A sausage sounds perfect.’
* * *
How amazing was it that Thomas had come this afternoon?
This was huge.
A lot bigger than Thomas himself probably realised, despite his admission that he had gained a new perspective, but Rebecca wasn’t going to allow the beat of fear to diminish the joy that this gathering always bestowed. Having Thomas by her side only made it all the more important to focus on the positive.
It wasn’t difficult. Everywhere they went, people came to greet them, eager to share news.
‘Dr Scott, remember Tyler?’
The sturdy boy wearing the colours of his favourite football team ducked his head, hiding beneath the brim of his baseball cap. An older brother slung a protective arm over his shoulders.
‘Tyler! Of course I remember you. Didn’t you move to Manchester?’ Rebecca laughed. ‘Silly me. I should have recognised the jersey.’ She looked up at the boy’s parents. ‘It’s been, what...three years since Tyler’s transplant? How’s he doing?’
‘He made it onto the junior football team last season,’ his dad said proudly. ‘Got player of the week twice.’
‘Wow.’ Rebecca looked suitably impressed. ‘And you’ve come all the way to London just for today?’
‘We had a minibus,’ Tyler’s mother told her. ‘We belong to a support group for transplant families and we all decided to come for a day out. Tyler and his brother here have been practising to enter the three-legged race. We didn’t realise how big it would be, though. Isn’t it amazing how many kids there are that probably wouldn’t even be alive if they hadn’t had transplants?’
‘It certainly is.’ Thomas joined the conversation. ‘But I bet there aren’t too many who are player of the week in a football team.’
She introduced Thomas to Tyler’s family. A few minutes later, she introduced him to Madeline’s family and they learned how her life had changed since her lung transplant two years ago. Stephen was another cystic fibrosis patient who’d received his heart and lung transplant only last year. Piper had been given a kidney as a live donation from her father.
And then there was Ava.
‘Rebecca.’ Ava’s mother, Jude, enveloped her in a hug. ‘It’s been way too long.’
‘I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been meaning to call you but life’s been a bit crazy what with all the organisation for today on top of everything else.’ Rebecca’s heart skipped a beat as she turned to include Thomas. Would Jude guess? More alarmingly, would Thomas guess that this was anything more than a doctor/ patient relationship?
‘This is Thomas Wolfe,’ she said, the light tone of her voice sounding a bit forced to her own ears. ‘He’s a cardiothoracic surgeon at Paddington’s. He left London before you moved here so he doesn’t know Ava yet.’
He doesn’t know anything about Ava, she added silently. And he doesn’t need to. Not now.
Possibly not ever...
‘I think we’ve got an outpatient appointment coming up with you, soon.’ Jude held out her hand. ‘Pleased to meet you, Thomas.’
‘Likewise. And you, Ava.’ Thomas was smiling at the tall twelve-year-old who had long blonde braids and astonishingly blue eyes. ‘That’s a very well-dressed bear you’ve got there.’
‘It was my grandma’s,’ Ava told him shyly. ‘It was Grandee’s idea to give him the waistcoat and monocle. She said he needed to be old-fashioned because he’s an antique. Like Grandee.’
‘He’s going into the competition for Best-Dressed Bear,’ Ava’s father added. ‘Hadn’t we better go and get him entered?’
‘We won’t hold you up.’ Rebecca hoped she didn’t sound as relieved as she suddenly felt. ‘The speeches are going to start soon, too, and I think I need to introduce some of the speakers.’
‘You are going to come to my birthday party, aren’t you?’ Ava said as the family began to move on. ‘It’s a special one.’
‘I know, sweetheart. Thirteen. How does it feel to be almost a teenager?’
Ava shrugged. ‘Okay, I guess. At least I’ll be allowed to get my ears pierced. Finally...’ She rolled her eyes at her mother.
Rebecca and Jude shared a smile. Teenage angst starting already?
‘It’s not far away. What can I bring?’ Rebecca asked.
‘Nothing but yourself. It’s just family.’ Jude hugged her again. ‘We’ll have a proper catch-up, then.’
She got a hug from Ava, as well, and then Rebecca watched them walk away for a little too long. Because she could feel Thomas staring at her? Of course he was. How many patients’ families made it clear that they considered their doctor to be a member of their family?
He walked with her towards the main stage where preparations were going on for the guest speakers.
‘Ava looks well,’ he said, finally. ‘How long ago did she get her transplant?’
Rebecca’s mouth went a little dry. She tried to keep her tone casual. ‘Oh, quite a few years ago now.’
‘Did you do her surgery?’
‘No...um...they were living in Newcastle then so the transplant was done there. Ava’s dad got offered a new—and much better—job last year and it was partly because she could continue her care at Paddington’s that they took it.’
‘How come you know them so well?’ he asked then. ‘How did you meet them?’
She couldn’t tell him. Did Thomas even know that it was possible for members of a donor’s family to initiate contact with organ recipients through the intermediary of the transplant association? That the families could meet if both sides wanted to? Would she ever be able to tell him what an emotional journey it had been to meet the little girl who had received Gwen’s heart and how they had welcomed her into their family with such love?
How healing it had been for her?
Janice, the president of the picnic committee, was rushing towards them, a clipboard in her hand that she was waving over her head.
‘Yoo-hoo! Rebecca!’
But Rebecca had stopped walking. Because Thomas had stopped and one glance at his face told her that he had put two and two together. He looked as if he’d just been punched in the gut and had frozen completely to try not to collapse from the pain.
‘Oh, my God...’ he said. ‘You know who Ava’s donor was, don’t you?’
Rebecca said nothing. The noises around her faded to a faint hum. She couldn’t say anything.
She didn’t need to.
Thomas had gone as white as a sheet.
For a long moment they simply stared at each other. She could feel his shock. The unbearable pain of knowing that a part of his daughter was in another little girl who got to dress up her teddy bear and have a family day out in the summer sunshine.
When, if life was remotely fair, it should have been Gwen.
And then he simply turned and walked away, disappearing into the crowd before Rebecca even had time to blink.
‘Oh, thank goodness,’ Janice said behind her. ‘I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Are you ready to introduce the speakers? There’s a radio station that wants to interview you, as well.’
Desperately, Rebecca tried to catch a glimpse of Thomas. If ever there was a time they needed to talk, this was it. A time to talk. To hold each other and cry...
And it was impossible.
She had duties she had to attend to. Being the face of transplants at Paddington’s wasn’t an ego trip. She was representing a hospital in desperate need of the final green light for its survival and she had the chance to say something about that before she introduced those speakers. To thank so many people who had contributed to the campaign and made this an issue that was so much bigger than a local community.
She had to do her bit to save the hospital she loved and believed in.
But what about the man that she had also loved and believed in once? The realisation that this wasn’t simply that she cared about him the way she might care for any close friend made her catch her breath.
She still loved him...
Still believed in him...
Even a glance might be enough to convey how important that connection still was.
But Thomas was nowhere to be seen.
* * *
He had to keep moving.
If he stopped, he’d have to think and Thomas didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to feel the horror of that realisation all over again.
He’d known there was something odd about Rebecca’s connection to that family from the moment they’d spotted each other. She was a part of that family, wasn’t she?
Literally. Some of her genes were part of that pretty little girl with the long braids and big, blue eyes.
Some of his genes were, too.
It was too much.
She should have warned him. If he’d known, he would never have gone near that picnic today. Oh, he’d known that somewhere out there were several children who’d received the gift of Gwen’s organs and he genuinely hoped they were all doing well. But to know who any of them were? To be a part of their lives and watch them growing up, when you couldn’t help but think about what your own child might be doing at the age she would be now?
The pain was unbearable and all he could do was try and walk it off.
An hour passed and then another. Thomas wasn’t even noticing where he walked. Around the circumference of Regent’s Park. Through city streets. Right around Hyde Park. Twice.
He was thirsty. His feet and his legs ached but his heart ached more. So he kept walking until the sun was low in the sky and this day was finally drawing to a close. A day he never wanted to remember.
Exhaustion was helping because he was too tired to think coherently. Too tired to have taken any notice of where he’d been walking for the last hour but it was another shock to realise the automatic route his subconscious had dictated.
He was in his old street. Only a lamppost away from the railings and steps that led down to that basement apartment where he’d lived with Rebecca.
With Gwen...
The pain felt more like anger now.
This was Rebecca’s fault. She could have warned him. Could have saved him the agony of these last few hours.
‘Tom?’
His name sounded hesitant but laced with a concern that also triggered an automatic response in his exhausted state. His steps slowed and stopped. He turned.
‘How could you?’ His voice felt rusty. Broken, almost. ‘How could you do that to me?’
He could see his pain reflected in the dark pool of her eyes. A man walked past with his dog and gave them both a curious stare.
‘Not here.’ Rebecca’s touch on his arm was a plea. ‘Come inside, Tom. Please.’
He was too tired to resist the touch. Nothing could be worse than what had already happened today but, if it was, he might as well get it over with.
And he wanted an answer to his question. So he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life with it echoing in his head. And his heart.
How could you?