Fifty
Jordan
I see red.
The Dragun’s gleaming eyes glint with ambition as dark magic whirs in his hand. Quell’s knees hit the ground, and I’m on top of him in a blur of motion. My fist connects with his face, and I keep smashing until my knuckles are wet with his blood. I crush his windpipe, summoning the cold. He sputters as the choke takes him.
“Traitor,” he mutters. Shadows urge the toushana into him. My heart thuds; shoving it at such a fast rate makes my fingers numb. He tries to writhe, but the choke stiffens him beneath me. He gazes up, frozen, with a wide-eyed stare. His skin begins to bruise beneath mine, and I snatch my hand away. I stumble up and off him, swallowing hard.
The urge to climb back on top of him bites at me, but I reach for the cuffs. He’s not moving. I nudge him with my foot and his hand twitches. I rush to Quell. Her shirt is soaked. But she motions for me to help her up and I do. Once on her feet, she lifts her shirt to show her wound. The tip of a long metal knife protrudes from her abdomen. The gash above her navel is weeping red, when something strange happens.
Quell’s hand swells with toushana. She grips the dagger’s tip and winces. But when she pulls it out, the blade dissolves, inch by bloodied, silver inch. The dagger handle falls from her back, clattering to the ground, but I can’t tear my gaze away from her wound. She works shadows across her trunk again, and the gash narrows until it’s closed completely and her stomach is smooth and soft.
“I don’t understand.”
She stares in disbelief. “I wasn’t sure it would work.”
“Toushana destroys everything it touches,” I say.
“Except itself. I realized it when I was studying how Darkbearers used to bind with dark magic. They used toushana on itself and it healed the impurities in Darkbearers’ blood. My magic decomposed the blade. But when it touched my skin, it sensed itself and rebuilt what was dying.”
This is some kind of trick. A lie. But the only thing that’s changed is the pace of my heartbeat. She lays my hand on her skin where the wound just was. “I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“I think so. Are you okay?” She eyes the unmoving Dragun on the ground.
“Healers should still be able to help him.”
A wild look still gleams in Quell’s eyes.
“You can’t do this,” I say, remembering how we got in this mess in the first place.
“They’re not dead. Every Dragun I stopped is one of Beaulah’s that won’t be in our way tomorrow. At least I think they’ll wake up tomorrow.” She shows me a paper with ripped edges. “There are several more rooms full of Draguns. I intend to clear them all.”
“Do you hear yourself?” I take the paper. It’s a guest log she’s apparently stolen from the front desk. “Quell, this is wrong.”
“It’s not. Somewhere, deep down, you know that.” She moves to the door. “You won’t stop me. So help me or look the other way.” She leaves, and all I can think of is some kind of harm coming to her. It boils me with rage but cuts like fear. I will not lose her. Not like this. I rush out the door behind her. Quell is about to slip inside the seams of the next door when I grab her by the wrist. “Only maim them as little as you have to. Restrain them. I’ll cuff them.”
“Fine.” She tugs her wrist out of my hold. With my heart in my throat, I follow her into the next dark room.
An hour races past, and by the time we finish, we’ve made sure a whole floor of Draguns can’t use their magic. When we stumble out of the last room, Quell’s own hands are covered in deeper bruises; they travel all the way up her arms. We stop at the door to her room. Her clothes are disheveled, her hair is a mess, and the look in her eyes is untamed. But she is smiling. I’ve only seen her move with that much passionate determination one other time. And it had been ridiculous.
Then we ran through the kitchens of my father’s hotel, and she shoved cake in my mouth. So utterly ridiculous. Embarrassing, frankly. And yet I don’t think I ever laughed so hard. My father was furious when he found out what we did, which only made it more delicious. There was something unbridled in her expression then, and that same person stares at me now. She is untethered and free. I move closer to her. Her lashes dip. How is it that she’s never been more beautiful to me than in a moment like this?
The thought sinks my heart with such regret.
She grabs the knob behind her and opens the door, but I linger in the doorway, adrenaline coursing through me like a hungry lion. After a moment I realize I don’t have anywhere else to go and follow her inside. She disappears into the bathroom. I sit on the edge of her bed, and the heaviness of the night sits on my chest. On the one hand we minimized the threat; we upheld justice. But on the other, I’ve just abused my power by aiding and abetting a fugitive.
The bathroom door opens, and she stands in the doorway, wrapped in a towel, hair dripping wet. “Oh.” She cinches her towel tighter. “You’re still here.”
“You’re right, I should go.” I stand, my muscles complaining at the teasing rest I just gave them.
“Jordan, you need to sleep. It’s been two days.” She has a point. She grabs her pile of clean clothes that I hang-dried for her. On her way back into the bathroom, she stops close to me and fixates on my pendant dangling on my chest.
“It’s so radiant.”
The smell of her incenses me. She is a hillside of honeysuckle, a garden full of roses, and the acridness of my hopes and dreams I had so many months ago, burning. There’s a bookshelf in the room. I put some distance between us and trail a finger along the spines. “Like any of these?”
“That one was my plan for tonight, actually.” She pulls a book by Dickens with a tattered spine.
“Oliver Twist. How fitting.”
We share a laugh. I rock back and forth on my heels, unsure what to do with the silence.
“You can stay here if you want.” That is somehow the worst and most intoxicating idea she’s ever had. I have to keep my head on straight with Quell. But every moment I’m with her, I only want to be with her more.
“I’ll get my own room.” I leave before she can protest.
The lobby of the inn is silent, but before I can even get my question out the concierge says, “I’m sorry, sir. If you need a room, we’re all booked for the night.” He smiles timidly, and I can sense his stress. “I must be getting back to an urgent matter, if there’s not anything else.”
I drag myself back to Quell’s room. This isn’t a good idea. She opens the door dressed for bed in an oversized tee. My oversized tee. She allows me inside, and I stand there with my hands in my pockets. She clears the decorative pillows off the bed.
“I don’t want to sleep in the same bed any more than you,” she says. “But we have to rest.”
“I know. I know.”
“Well, it doesn’t have to be weird.”
“It won’t be weird. Why would it be weird?”
“Well, you’re acting as if—”
Fire crackles in the fireplace, and a silence settles between us.
“Never mind.” She pulls the outer and under covers off the bed and hands me one. “Tomorrow there could be a flare. We have to be ready.”
“You’re right. Beaulah always seems two steps ahead.”
She smiles darkly. “Not after tonight.”
Shame burns my cheeks, but I can’t help but smile back. I join her at the bed, on the opposite side. “Ladies first.”
She rolls her eyes and slides into her covers. I take off my shirt and catch her staring. She promptly looks away. I get in beside her, keeping a wall of blankets between us. I stare straight up at the ceiling and keep my hands clasped across my chest so there’s no chance I can touch her by accident. I’m about to close my eyes when she clears her throat.
My heart twinges, fluttering with nervousness. But it’s not mine. It’s hers.
“Relax,” I say.
“I’m fine.”
“Liar.”
“Shut up!”
A smile tugs at my lips, and I can hear the mirth between her words.
“Are you asleep?”
“Quell, it’s been ten seconds.”
“Okay, good.” She rolls on her side and faces me, propping her head on her elbow. “I was thinking. I never said thank you earlier. So, thank you.” She pushes her diadem through her head, and I’ve never seen it so close. It’s a rich ebony metal. Intricate details coil around sharp spires ornamented with radiant dark-pink stones. Clusters of them sparkle like a thousand stars.
I shift uncomfortably.
“I’m just glad you didn’t get hurt,” I say.
“That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me in months.”
“The mission.”
“Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy it. It’s okay, Jordan. You didn’t do anything disloyal. If anything, you upheld the Order.”
“Respectfully, you’re wrong.”
The pressure inside me tremors. How do I lie here and pretend that I am not weak for her? I went with her tonight because I couldn’t fathom someone raising a hand to harm her. If any of those Draguns had overcome Quell, even if she were at fault, I can’t be sure I wouldn’t have wrapped my hands around their throats until the light went out of their eyes.
“Quell—”
“Yes?” She bites her bottom lip and pulls at the ends of her hair. When she catches me watching, she shoves her hand away, trying to hide her nervousness. But I can feel it shaking in my chest. I can feel mine, too.
I stare at her and take all of her in. The girl who destroyed me. Made a fool of me. Made me love her after I vowed to never love anyone again. And yet all I want to do is hold her once more, like I did on that beach.
And believe that I deserve to be as free as she is.
The admission unravels something tightly woven in me, unspooling everything I am. My stupidity gets the better of me, and I reach for her face, tracing the slope of her cheeks, the rise of her jaw, the delicateness of her neck. She turns into my touch, and it ruins me.
“Tonight, I went against everything I stand for. And yet, I would betray my vows a thousand times to never leave this moment.”
The brown of her eyes glimmers with determination, like it did the first time we met. I try to look away but can’t. Are we just forever destined to exist this way? On the opposite ends of possibility? At either end of a deadly blade?
“What are you thinking?”
I roll onto my back and glare at the ceiling. “That I wish I could be free. Free of worrying about the Order. The pressures of my position. Free of carrying the weight of magic on my shoulders. Free to be reckless. Free to make mistakes. To breathe the world in, Quell.”
“That makes two of us.”
I laugh. “You’re so free already.”
“Not nearly enough. I hate hiding.”
I don’t know what to say. I can’t change who she is. And no matter what I want, I can’t change who I am either. She scoots closer to me and I stop breathing.
The word don’t hangs on my lips. “I am the most wretched person I know.”
“No.” Her fingers play on my chest. “I am.” She twists the chain at my throat and tugs hard, bringing me closer. I drown in the bronzed sands of her eyes and grab a fistful of blanket.
“I want to kiss you. But it would ruin everything.”
She touches my lips with delicate fingers, and tears well in my eyes. It’s more than a kiss: it’s a choice. A choice to forsake who I am for who I wish I could be. She leans forward, trembling. She stops before my mouth and I don’t breathe. The hollow of her throat begs for a kiss. We’ve never been this close. And the way she shakes, I’m sure she hasn’t ever been this close to anyone.
“Kiss me, Jordan.” She closes her eyes. I touch the tips of her diadem before taking her face gently in my hand, considering the weight of this decision. Her breath is warm on my palm. It sends bumps up my arms. I graze her lips with mine, and it feels like the first time. There were no other kisses before this one. No one other than her. No moment or decision that mattered more.
Her mouth melts into mine, and a shudder rushes through me.
I pull her closer, and she deepens the kiss, exploring my mouth. Our tongues tangle. Our breaths hitch. There is a dance made of our music. Every ounce that she gives of herself makes me want to give her that much more of me. She bites my lip, and I nibble at hers before we bury our mouths together again. Her body curls around mine, and I break the kiss and lift her off me. Her teeth pull at her swollen lips.
“What are we doing?”
“Choosing freedom.” She wrestles free of my hold, and our mouths crash together; the world reddens with passion. Her legs untangle from her covers and wrap around mine. My hand snakes up her back, to the base of her neck. She breathes my name, and I yearn with an ache to give her a reason to say my name again and again. Teach her secrets she’s never learned, far more rare and special than magic. She grinds her body on top of mine and passion jolts through me. So sharp, I have to come up for air. I swallow. She pants. But I reestablish a sliver of space between us, a force field repelling us from going any further. I have to remind myself to breathe.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just…this is moving fast.”
She plays with the necklace on my chest and the sight fully knocks me back to my senses.
I am the Dragunheart.
I sit up. “I’m a leader in this Order. I have to get hold of myself, which starts with being honest.”
The sparkle in her eyes dies, and I burn with shame.
“Quell. I don’t hate you. I never have, not even when I found out your secret. I don’t think I could ever hate you. But in the morning, I still have a duty that I cannot escape. I thought I could do this, but I lied to myself. I can’t.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying Yagrin is going to accompany you the rest of the way. I’ll travel alone and meet you there.”
“No.”
“Quell.”
“Jordan!” She sits up.
“What do you expect to come of this? Look at what we did to my brothers tonight.”
“So you regret it?”
“Part of me does, yes! I don’t know if that will ever go away. But it’s no matter now. I have to live with it. And look at what we were about to do here, now. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have.”
“You just want to kill me.” Her nose crinkles, and I can feel her hurt radiating in my chest.
“I’ve never wanted to do that!” I stand and pace, unable to look at her anymore when she’s staring at me like that. “We don’t work.”
“Oh, get over yourself,” she says. The soft parts of her are gone. And the fire I’ve known since we started this journey is back in full force. “All I’m asking is for you to stay through the next leg of this trip. Please.” She fluffs her pillow, settling down to go to bed. “You know, I hated you for what you did to me at Chateau Soleil. But it did set me free. A multitude of truths can exist. The justice that you, the Dragunheart, and I, a Darkbearer, served tonight made the Order safer. And made Beaulah weaker. You want to stop lying to yourself? Start with that.”
She tugs the lamp cord and I can’t see the hurt in her eyes anymore. It should make me feel better, but instead it keeps me up all night.