Karen spent the next few days in bed. I popped in to see her in between bouts of sunbathing, snorkelling and drinking, wafting incense sticks around in an effort to get rid of the smell of sickness and sweat. Harry came with me sometimes, but he seemed detached, distant. Maybe it was the doctor in him taking over but it was as though he no longer saw her as Karen, the object of his affection, but a patient.
She was still feeling too sick to come with us all to the Emerald Cave. We had a fantastic day, Harry and I larking about, pushing each other off the boat, taking it in turns to dive into the sea. I imagined what it would be like without Karen around. I enjoyed her company but when she wasn’t there Harry’s attention was on me instead.
I was on a high when we arrived back at the resort. I had a drink with the others at the bar, pretending not to notice as Harry slunk off. When I returned to the room Karen was sitting up in bed, looking happier. On her bedside table was a sleek ornamental Buddha about six inches in height. I picked it up. It was beautiful and heavy, carved out of onyx. ‘Where did you get this?’
‘Harry bought it for me,’ she said. ‘To cheer me up.’
Why hadn’t I thought of doing something like that?
I put it back, feeling despondent. She’d only been absent from the group for less than a week, but the dynamics had already started to shift; I was no longer stuck with Dylan but had become Harry’s companion. It was me he would seek out if he wanted to go into the village or for a swim. Now Karen was better I was worried things would revert to the way they had been before.
Sure enough, when we left Koh Phi Phi a week or so later and travelled by boat to Koh Lanta, where we rode elephants and snorkelled through the brightly coloured coral, I noticed Karen and Harry growing closer again. Every time he was in the vicinity her mouth would tilt up into a smile, accentuating her dimples, and they would gravitate towards each other, linking arms and wandering off together, their heads bent in conversation. I wondered if they were shagging. I never lowered myself to ask, and there were certainly no giggly admissions from Karen. She wasn’t the type. I wondered if it was time to move on without them, make some new friends. It was easier to do that here. Especially as the old ones were beginning to feel like dead wood. I felt my power diminishing with both Karen and Harry, and I didn’t like it.
‘I’m thinking of going back to Bangkok,’ I said one evening a few weeks later. The weather had begun to get windier, with frequent heavy showers, and although the heat was more comfortable than it had been back in May, it wasn’t quite so much fun diving and sunbathing.
The resort we were staying in now was right on the beach, although the one-bedroom chalet I shared with Karen was basic. We had laughed in shock at the hole in the ground that was the toilet. We were sharing one of the hammocks dotted about the beach, facing each other, our legs entwined, sipping cocktails. The sun had gone down and fairy lights were peppered about overhead. It had rained earlier but the air was warm, the wind rippling over the dark sea. In the distance we could see the others at the beach bar; every now and again their chorus of laughter would reach us.
Karen’s eyebrows shot up as she sucked her cocktail through a straw. The liquid was a vivid pink – berries and watermelon mixed with vodka – staining her lips. She swallowed. ‘You want to leave Koh Lanta?’
‘I’d quite like to go to the north. Then maybe on to Nepal. Or Burma.’
I could tell she was considering the idea. She licked her lips. ‘That does sound like it could be fun.’
‘I love it here,’ I admitted, throwing one of my arms in the air and glancing around at the long stretch of white sandy beach, the sparkling waters, the palm trees nodding in the breeze. It really was paradise; one long holiday, one extended party. A young guy in a beach hut next to us was having a massage from a dainty Thai woman, who was practically sitting on his back as she busily kneaded his shoulders. ‘But it’s been a few months now. Time to move on.’ My heart beat fast behind my vest top. If I was honest with myself I wanted her to come with me, but not the others. I toyed with the stem of my glass, watching the array of different emotions pass over Karen’s face like disco lights. She was weighing up whether to leave Harry or to leave me.
She took a swig of her drink. ‘When are you planning to go?’
‘In a few days. Do you want to come too? Or are you happy to stay?’ I tried to keep my voice even, to show I was indifferent whatever she decided to do.
She sighed. ‘I’m not sure. Let me think about it.’
‘Of course,’ I smiled sweetly. She looked relieved, but I wasn’t worried. I would make sure she chose me.
I spent ages getting ready the next evening. There was the usual party down on the beach; I could hear music and laughter and the tinkle of glasses from my open window. I studied myself in the small speckled mirror. I’d lost over a stone living off rice and fish for months, and was more svelte, more tanned, than I’d ever been. My dark hair was glossy and I looked healthy and attractive. I applied some red lipstick and slicked my hair back off my face. It was growing out of its pixie cut and needed reshaping.
We’d started drinking early and I already felt a little sloshed as we made our way down to the beach. ‘I’m worried about drinking too much,’ Karen said. ‘After last time. I still feel embarrassed to think of it. And I still don’t understand why the alcohol affected me so much.’ It was dark now and the steps were decorated with little lanterns so we could find our way. There was a string of fairy lights hung around the bar, giving it a festive atmosphere. I spotted Harry standing with Lars and Dylan on the beach, his head swivelling around when we walked in, but he didn’t come over.
‘What’s wrong with Harry?’ I asked as we queued at the bar. ‘He has a face like a slapped arse tonight.’
Karen’s mouth twitched. ‘Oh Beth. You’re wicked. I told him we might be leaving. He doesn’t want to come as he’s already been to the north.’ I remembered him telling us when we first met but I said nothing, just nodded sympathetically as she continued, ‘I think he wants to carry on travelling with Dylan and Lars. They hooked up in Vietnam and have been together ever since.’ She sighed. ‘Emma’s going to stay with them too. Harry asked if we want to go with them. What do you think?’
‘Where are they headed next?’
‘I think they want to fly to India.’
‘India? I don’t think you’d like it,’ I found myself saying. ‘You’d get Delhi-belly and there’s people shitting in the streets. Plus, it’s a long way from here.’
She looked miserable and stared at her hands. ‘I know it’s far, but I have always wanted to see the Taj Mahal.’
‘And it’s all right for them,’ I added. ‘They’ve seen Thailand. But we’ve only just started, Karen. And what about Vietnam, Laos? I’m not done with South East Asia yet. It would be a shame to cut it short. You must do what you think best, but I’m leaving for Bangkok tomorrow.’
We were interrupted by the cute barman asking what we wanted to drink, and after ordering cocktails we floated off towards the beach, caught up in a throng of other partygoers. Emma came bounding towards us, pulling me and Karen to where she was standing with Lars and Harry. Dylan was chatting up a busty blonde over in a darkened corner.
Harry looked handsome that night. The sun had bleached the ends of his hair and coloured his skin to a golden hue. I longed to touch him, to kiss his full mouth. Karen was also looking at him with longing. The difference was, he was returning her look of lust.
Harry. What was his story? Everybody had a story. The music was pumping, some dance tune that pulsated in my ears. I knocked into Harry on purpose so that his drink spilled. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, taking his glass as he looked with dismay at the sticky liquid dribbling down his thigh. ‘I’ll get you another.’ Karen was chatting to Emma and hardly noticed me hurry to the bar. It was easy to slip the drugs into Harry’s drink with nobody around to see.
When I returned, Harry smiled at me and took the drink gratefully. ‘Cheers, Beth. You didn’t have to do that.’
‘It was my fault,’ I said, staying by his side. Somebody turned the music up and a new crowd surged onto the beach. Karen and I got separated so that I was left alone with Harry. I saw him glance about, trying to spot Karen, but I grabbed his hand, moved us further into the crowd. He was still holding his glass but I was pleased to note that he’d downed most of it. ‘Dance with me,’ I said in my most sensuous voice, moving my body suggestively to the music. He began swaying half-heartedly as the crowd enveloped us so that we were in our own little bubble. His pupils were huge in his face. This was my chance, I thought. This was my chance to show her. I just hoped she was watching. I reached up and pulled him closer, grinding myself against him. I saw the surprise in his eyes, but he placed a hand on one of my hips and I reached up and planted a lingering kiss on his mouth, my hands finding that lovely blond hair at the nape of his neck, taking in the smell of him, like lemons. I felt him stiffen at first, shocked at my forwardness, but then he went with it, relaxing into the kiss, his tongue finding mine, lost in the moment like I knew he would be. It went on for ages, his hips grinding against mine as he grabbed my arse, pulling me so close that I was almost sitting on him. His drink spilled down the back of my top but I didn’t care. I ground into him, feeling him harden against me. I was good at seduction – Sean always said so. Eventually, as though waking from a trance, Harry pulled away from me, his eyes widening in horror as it dawned on him what he’d just done.
‘Oh God, I’m so drunk,’ he said, as if that made everything all right. I could see his head swivelling around like a meerkat’s as he tried to spot Karen in the crowd. ‘I need to take a piss,’ he added before staggering off.
When I turned around I caught Karen’s eye, and by the hurt that flickered on her face I knew that she had seen everything.
The next morning the two of us travelled to Bangkok alone.
I’d pleaded ignorance of course. Said it was all him. That he was a sleaze, just like Dylan. She was so angry she never even said goodbye to him and we left before he got up. I admired her for that. She was stronger than she first appeared, although I noticed that she packed the Buddha he’d given her.
Maybe I should have realised how much she loved him. I can see that now, in hindsight. I can see that I made a terrible mistake in what I did. But I was young and hot-headed. Resentful. I’d wanted to punish her for being the one that Harry had chosen.
How was I to know that she would end up punishing me?