Chapter Eight

 

I SPENT MOST OF THE FIRST DAYS AT GLENCARA WITH FREYA, trying to understand more of what I saw before me and hoping that the day would soon come when I would look at the child without total disgust and abhorrence ...for those were the feelings I had in my heart. I wanted to feel differently, but it was so difficult. I wanted to regard her as just another little girl ...another patient and I would probably have succeeded if it hadn’t been for that damned rocking horse that leered at me from every angle and creaked away it’s stupid existence, so near to me in Freya’s room.

I was always glad when I heard the boys running and squealing in the corridor outside her room as then I knew they were home from school. I would rush to the bedroom door and pop my head outside, hoping for a glimpse of them, to find Anton, staring at me and enquiring silently if Freya was alright. He was a very caring boy, but Gideon was always in the toilet …

“Yes,” I would say to Anton, “Freya has had a good day ...very quiet, but she is happy.” ... and I would hope he would be content with that answer and not always ask to see her, as sometimes the dear Freya was anything but presentable.

“Are you going to stay with us then Amy,” he asked me on the Friday, my third day with them and I nodded and smiled.

“But only if you keep your promise to invite me to the school concert,” I added, knowing that he was doing a solo there and I was most anxious to hear him playing with the school orchestra background. He smiled broadly and blushed and I thought then of how he would be when he was a few years older. The girls would rush ... .I was sure.

“Oh! I am so glad Amy. We all are ...That you are staying, I mean,” he said, “and of course you should come to the concert. Papa will bring you.” I was about to go back into my caring when Anton touched my arm and looked into my eyes. “Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you Amy. I know how trying it must be to look after Freya, but we love her ...All of us do ...you understand, don’t you?”

I was about to assure him that everything was alright and that I could manage very well, when Gideon appeared from the bathroom adjusting his flies.

“Oh! God, I forgot you were here ...em ...Amy,” he blurted and then beamed as he added a great joke ...or so I imagined he thought it was. “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, eh?”

I closed Freya’s door quietly and was highly amused, but I thought Gideon too would be a heart throb when he got older and hoped he wouldn’t always do what a man’s gotta do ...or he might land himself in serious trouble.

I had hardly got back to Freya’s bedside when there was a knock on her door again.

“Amy ...Amy,” I could hear Gideon calling, “Come down and listen to us playing, will you?” He called out and I looked to see if Freya was asleep ...fortunately she was and I was delighted. The ‘noise’ would be a welcome distraction even if I knew I would have to return to the ‘Cage’ very soon ...and to the squeaking horse.

I looked around to ensure that everything was alright in Freya’s room before I went downstairs to the lounge where Anton and Gideon were already waiting; instruments to hand and music sheets being thumbed and viewed with profound expertise.

“Perhaps Freya would like to come and listen too, “Anton pointed to the little girl’s room upstairs as he spoke, but my heart fell. How could I refuse?

“Oh! ... Not again, for goodness sake ...Does she have to?” It was Gideon who saved the day with his honest if somewhat brusque mannerism. “We had her all day Sunday. Why do we have to have her so soon again?” he added and Anton tried to smile.

“Amy might like her to be here,” he said slowly and I knew that his eyes were searching for mine however Anna appeared at the bottom of the stairs at that moment.

“Perhaps it would be best to let Freya rest for a little while, Anton,” she interrupted, “And besides, Amy might want to give you two all her attention without having to care for Freya as she listens. Fair’s fair now, isn’t it?”

I don’t know if Anna guessed my dilemma at that moment, but I was so relieved to have that short break and to pamper myself with the ‘Noise’ instead of the hermetically silent ‘Cage’ or the monotonous creaking of that horse.

“Isn’t your husband home yet Anna? I thought he collected the boys from school?” I asked looking around for Gerry as I was sure he would have been part of the audience.

“Oh! No he won’t be home till later Amy. I collected the boys, but we are hoping you might ...if you don’t mind, particularly when I’m in hospital?”

I said I would be delighted and explained again that it was quite some time since I had last driven a car, but Amy waved her hand in the air.

“No problem Amy. Take the old crock out any time and get a bit of practise an’ you’ll be alright ...you’ll see. Now come on boys. Have you got your music ready? Gideon ...Gideon, where’s Gideon, Anton. I thought he was here a moment ago.”

Anton had already perched himself, with one buttock on a high stool as Gideon emerged again from the toilet ...where else?

“I’ve been dying for a pee all afternoon and old schnozzle Archer wouldn’t let me leave the classroom. Silly old ...Oh! Sorry Amy. Didn’t realize you were there. Should have done though, I invited you didn’t I? “

Will he ever get used to me being in the house, I asked myself and grinned as he took his place beside his brother, holding his violin, tucked under his chin and without supporting it in any way with his hands. It stuck out from under his face as he fumbled around in his trouser pocket for something that must have been important from the strained look in his eye.

“I have to use this under my chin, you see Amy,” he fluttered his eyelids as he spoke and produced a neatly ironed handkerchief, which he shook in the air. “I’ve got such tender skin, you see ...not like old Antoninus here. I break out in a nasty rash if I don’t protect myself.”

It all sounded so professional to me and I wondered what I was about to witness with all this preparation for the ‘Noise’

Anna raised her hands in the air.

“Now then ...Are we ready?” she called out, “Anton? Gideon?”

“Yes mamma,” the duo answered as they strung a few random cords across the strings which I later found out in confidence from Anton, to be a warm-up ... and I waited, hoping they wouldn’t wake Freya up.

 

***

 

The sound that came was sweet and gentle, rather doleful at first with long sonorous notes to follow ...Long and strong and passionate as the music blended into the air in complete harmony. I was astounded and held my breath as I didn’t expect such beauty to come from the frivolous, fun-making hands of the two boys who stood before me. They were so young and yet very mature as they stood there, poised and swaying where Anton had rid himself of the high stool and was standing free of any prop. They played and swayed to the sound of the music, with such controlled and disciplined notes that made me gasp. This was no ‘Noise’ ... this was sheer beauty. ... I learned later from Anton that they had played ‘The Romance, Opus eleven’ by Dvorzak and he gave me the life story of the composer as well ...together with his musical history. I was edified beyond words at my first encounter with the ‘musicians of Glencara’ and I began to realize that I had entered into a world of extremes, with the strains of genius in the parlour and the strange little Freya, lying snorting her life away upstairs.

 

***

 

Gerry ushered his friend into the dining room and sat him opposite me at the table, but not before we shook hands as Anna introduced him to me as Steven Capriano. He was tall and dark and quite extraordinarily good looking, wearing gold rimmed spectacles that gave him a dignified air and which he removed when he entered into conversation with you as if they would deter his hearing in some strange way. His temples were greying just like Jerry’s.

Aggie brought in her sumptuous repast of roast beef with all the accessories and trimmings ...a meal fit for a king and I was delighted to see Aggie sit down with us at table. Anton and Gideon behaved impeccably, much to my surprise as the conversation spilled over from business at the Clinic where Steven was also a psychiatrist, to the forthcoming school concert where I knew the boys would be playing and of course last but certainly far from least ...the new baby

Everyone was very kind and brought me into every topic of discussion as though I had been an old friend of the family and I was very happy. Even Aggie was completely at home and no-one showed any sign of embarrassment at such a diverse gathering of such different people. Steven Capriano was looking at me on the few occasions when I happened to catch his eye, possibly out of curiosity as I hadn’t dressed for dinner … .well, not formally ...and I had forgotten that we were expecting a guest. I was a little embarrassed later when Steven had gone and Anna remarked how he never took his eyes off me all evening. I know she was trying to be kind, but I did feel somewhat awkward and my thoughts were interrupted many times during the meal where I was thinking about Freya, knowing that, although she was so much part of the family ...and the main reason why I was at Glencara, she was so much out of the picture, in every way. I tried to put myself in her situation so many times ...to be able to grasp the fullest reality of her existence, but I couldn’t. I knew I would have to wait until I had studied her ways more and had been longer with her ...and I still wasn’t sure if she was brain damaged in any way. She never spoke and I got the impression that she never understood what I was saying to her, and yet ...there was something behind those eyes that frightened me. A superior intelligence perhaps … or was I meandering into my imaginative world again? I found myself wondering how she would grow up and how she would be accepted by other human beings ...many whom I am sure would be anything but kind and yet, Anton and Gideon loved her. So did Gerry and Anna, but was that simply because she was a blood relative? How would she fare with others who were not related … Especially other children? Everything was O.K. in the world of Glencara, but what of the cruel and intolerant world outside. The wind blew wild and furious out there …

“You’re not from this part of the world, are you Amy?”

Steven raised his glass and my thoughts were dispelled.

“No. I’m from London, but I think Scotland is so beautiful, especially here in the Highlands.”

He smiled and his eyes twinkled.

“Yes, I agree. It has its own particular magic, hasn’t it? But I’ve been in London quite a lot recently and it’s not without a beauty of it’s own,” he said and went on to discuss the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace, Hampton Court and various other famous places of interest which I had to admit, I had never visited.

“When you live so close to these places, you don’t think of them as particularly special, I suppose,” I said, feeling very inadequate and adding very quickly, “But then, these are the places that attract visitors when they come to London ...I suppose ...”

Steven laughed and poured me some more wine. Apparently Gerry had told him the reason for my stay at Glencara, because he asked a great deal about Freya and her progress and he remarked how happy and lucky my hosts were to have me.

All this time of our conversation, Anton kept looking from Steven to me and back again, whilst Gideon was lost in a world of his own as he tucked into a mound of golden roast potatoes.

“You have heard the boys play then, Amy?” Steven asked as he pulled his meat about carelessly on his plate with a fork.

“Yes, they played for me just before you arrived, Steven. I think they are wonderful,” I added whereas Anton blushed and Gideon groaned. “I’ve never heard such beautiful music played for such a small audience and I felt very privileged. Anna ...Gerry ...You must be very proud of them.”

Gideon groaned again and screwed his face up in mock self-disgust before he belched ... and Anton apologised for him.

“Yes, of course we are proud of them Amy, but I want them to behave themselves and give you every support in your difficult task with Freya. We all know how it is and we are most appreciative of your being with us.”

“Hear! Hear!”

Steven raised his glass and his eyes met mine as I pondered over the difficult days that I knew lay ahead, but I smiled ...tomorrow would come in its own time and why should I rush into it?

“Now then … you darling boys, it’s time you were off upstairs for your bath and then to bed. You can play with the toys Steven brought for a little while, but don’t stay up too late, will you?” Anna dabbed her mouth with her napkin as she spoke. “Papa and I have a lot to discuss with Amy and Steven, so be off with you. Scoot!”

Gideon sulked and pulled one of his agony faces, but Anton ran round and kissed his mother and father, before looking sheepishly at me. I held out my arms and he smiled as he came towards me.

“Goodnight Amy. See you in the morning. Will you be collecting us from school tomorrow?”

His question took me by surprise but I nodded ...and hoped to get some driving practice in before the school closed at 4.0pm. Gideon came towards me looking very sleepy, with his eyes half closed, but with his mind alert. He rubbed his eyes and yawned ...any excuse to get out of the kissing scene.

“All this lip sucking nonsense … don’t see any sense in it, I don’t,” he muttered under his breath as he put his arms, dutifully around my neck and Steven laughed.

“One day ...you’re gonna meet someone special, laddie and you won’t feel the way you do now, will he Amy?”

Steven had turned to me for assurance but I was lost for words. I had never as yet met anyone special ...and my knowledge on that score was very limited ... and then I remembered Archie Williamson and the thought worried me ...He seemed to pale in my memory as I looked at Steven Capriano.

Anna smacked Gideon’s bottom playfully.

“Your playing is getting better every day, darling,” she said, “Now off to bed with you. That’s a good boy and don’t forget to kiss Freya goodnight, if she is still awake, will you?”

Gideon scowled and his mouth went down at the corners.

“Oh! God ...Do I have to?” he moaned and Gerry gave him a sharp look.

“I don’t want to hear any of that back-chat young man. Now off to bed with you and do as your Mamma says. Goodnight.”

Gideon skulked off and Gerry apologised to us for his behaviour.

“I’m sorry about this Amy ...Steven,” he said but Steven lifted his glass. “To the men of tomorrow,” he announced, smiling broadly and Anna sighed. “You’ll get used to our offspring behaving as they do Amy and I too apologise for their rudeness, but they don’t mean it that way. I do assure you.”

“Oh don’t apologise Anna. Boys will be boys and besides ...I think they are great fun and they obviously love Freya which makes me very happy and my job a great deal easier. They could treat her quite differently from they way they do, don’t you think?” I said and I could have bitten my tongue out to have even thought that way. Gerry coughed and cleared his throat.

“No ...I don’t think so Amy. They should have seen some of the horrors we saw in Germany at the latter part of the war and they would have a different attitude towards Freya, I’m sure ...although, saying that, I’m glad they never had to witness some of the things that went on in that time. God forbid.”

Anna looked frightened as she pored the coffee and passed around the cognac decanter, but I failed to understand the logic of Gerry’s conclusions.

“I’ll just go up and tuck the boys down for the night, Gerry,” she said, “Would you like to come with me Amy?”

I watched her face as she was leaving the room and I felt sure there was something on her mind ...something that I felt sure, she would tell me ...in the fullness of time. Something that concerned me and that was why she asked me to go with her upstairs, but I couldn’t think what it might be.

“Goodnight Anton ...Goodnight Gideon.”

“Goodnight mamma,” I heard the duo respond ...”Goodnight Amy,” and we heard a distinct grunt from Gideon as we closed the bedroom door quietly. Anna stood in the corridor for a few seconds in silence. I saw her touch her forehead and shake her head slightly and I was concerned that she may be unwell.

“Are you alright Anna?”

She smiled weakly and threw her head back and her diamond ear rings glistened in the light of the huge chandelier that hung above our heads.

“I thank God they never did see anything of the atrocities that went on in Germany Amy. I thought at times that the Anti-Christ had been let loose ...It was so awful.” I looked into Anna’s eyes and I could see she was deeply troubled. It made me glad to have been in dull old London, with mother, when I saw the reaction of her fear. “I have settled Freya down for the night Anna, “ I said trying to divert her mind from her memories, “but if you wish, we can go in and see her again.”

Anna smiled and swung her arm into mine.

“No, Amy. ...You must be allowed to do your work as you wish. I’m confident that Freya is in excellent hands. By the way, what do you think of Steven Capriano?”

I wasn’t surprised that she should ask me that question and I had no difficulty in telling her that I thought he was very charming and most pleasant to look at.

“He’s rather taken with you Amy. I’ve already told you that he doesn’t take his eyes off you and we’ve had many guests here before for dinner ...many rather beautiful girls too, I would add when Steven has been with us, but I haven’t seen him take so much interest as this before. He’s different tonight somehow. There’s a special sparkle in his eye. Even the boys noticed it ...although that means very little really,” she added and raised her eyes to the ceiling, “Nothing passes those two ...but ask them in the morning what they think and they’ll tell you. They’ll tell you whether you ask them or not, I wouldn’t be surprised. . “

“Oh! Anna!”

“Oh! Nothing Amy ... You’ll find I’m right. Steven likes you.”

I smiled as I thought of the thirty-six year old spinster from London and comforted myself rather by describing myself as a Lady Bachelor ...It sounded better and more positive. . in comparison to the suave and sophisticated man who was sitting downstairs in the dining room. I paid no attention to Anna’s observations as we all went into the lounge after dinner, but I was more aware of Steven Capriano when I returned to the conversation.

“We were just discussing Freya, Amy,” Gerry called out as Anna and I came into the room. “Is there anything you would like to ask about her? Now’s your best chance as Steven is a specialist in cases like hers.”

I looked about for something to say as it was a subject I had hardly thought we would have discussed after dinner, but then I didn’t know that Steven was a specialist in Freya’s field ...whatever field that was ...

“Well ...having seen her now ...I must admit, I have never seen a child with such deformities before, but she is still a human being and worthy of both giving and receiving love.”

There was an unexpected hush in the room after I had said that and it was Steven who broke the silence.

“I think you have chosen your nanny well, Anna. Amy has summed up everything in that last sentence. It is the practice of bringing these qualities to fruition that will be difficult and it will need a lot of hard work, together with determination and I am sure Amy is the right person to do this.”

“Can I get you another coffee Amy?” Gerry asked as he took his own cup from the pale onyx table by the fireplace. “Yours must be cold by now,” he added.

“Thank you Gerry. I had forgotten in seeing the boys off to bed. Yes, I would like another please.”

“With or without?” he asked raising his eyebrow in a rather cynical fashion and knowing that what he had said could mean almost anything.”Brandy?” he concluded and I shook my head.

“No thanks. Just as it comes please … black with no sugar.”

Anna lifted the decanter.

“Well, I’m for one ...How about you Steven?”

I looked around the room for Aggie who was conspicuous by her absence but Anna resolved my query before I could ask the question.

“Aggie will be back again shortly, Amy. She had a few things to do in the kitchen, but I expect she will be back soon. She can hear a brandy cork pop for a mile off, can that one.”

Aggie came in just as Anna had finished her sentence.

“You bet,” she said with a grin, “You don’t get a big red nose like mine from supping soda, I can tell you an’ I’ll have one in my coffee too please Anna.”

I liked Aggie. She was free of all pretence and false imagery of herself, to a point of extreme humility, a quality which I was beginning to find very rare in most people I met. She laughed at herself a lot ...and laughed at most things in life, even if I was to learn later that she had very little to laugh about. She had been in domestic service since she was a girl of fourteen and the only love of her life was killed as a boy of eighteen in the war, but she never talked about that. Anna told me the story one day when we were walking with Freya in the rose garden.

“Aggie, we were just talking about Freya and you’re welcome to stay for the rest of the discussion if you wish, but if you would rather leave, I will understand,”

Gerry poured Aggie’s well spliced coffee as he spoke.

“That’s alright. I’ll stay ...I have to look after the wee lass when Amy’s not here and so it’s best I should learn all there is to know.”

Gerry’s eyebrows met in one straight line across his forehead as Aggie looked sadly into the flickering flames of the fire.

“O.K …Steven. Let’s hear your views on the subject, old chap … would you like to tell us here?” Gerry prompted, “You’ve been involved in Freya’s treatment and therapy from the start and it might be interesting for Amy to hear your views.”

Steven swished his brandy around his glass, warming its sides with the palms of his hands.

“Well, I don’t know just how much Amy knows,” Steven smiled at me as he spoke, “So if someone can enlighten me here, I might know where to begin.”

I sat in astonished curiosity. The subject of Freya’s illness was becoming of paramount importance, it seemed and I felt sure that Gerry had informed Steven of my involvement with the little girl, but Steven listened carefully to Gerry as the latter explained the extent of knowledge I had of the little girl, which was indeed very little, but he listened respectfully as if all this information was new to him. Everyone seemed pleased at my being there as Freya’s nanny and confirmed that I made the minimum of fuss, if any at all, but of course, great emphasis was placed on my paediatric experience and it still surprised me to realize how much research Anna and Gerry had put into that subject. James J. Rowbottom was certainly a very thorough investigator.

Steven nodded frequently in the conversation without saying a word and then he turned to Aggie who was sitting quietly looking into the flames of the fire as though they themselves told her a story of intense interest.

“Dear, dear Aggie, we know how kind and understanding you have been with Freya in the months that we have waited for someone like Amy to come along, so if there is any medical or technical terms used in our discussion . . .that you do not understand ...please stop us and we will explain. Incidentally, Gerry was telling me that you were Housekeeper here at Glencara before Anna and he returned from Germany, is that so?”

I watched Aggie move uncomfortably where she was sitting and I wondered why Steven should have mentioned this fact ...it didn’t seem at all relevant and then ... everything fell into place. Perhaps I should have guessed it for myself but I didn’t.

“Yes, That’s right Steven ... I’ve been Housekeeper and chief cook and bottle washer for the past twenty odd years ...with Anna’s parents ...and before Anna came back from Germany with Gerry and the children. Anna requested that I should stay on here after her parents died. It was a car accident, you see. . Very tragic it was too.” Steven studied Aggie’s face as she spoke and for all the sadness in her voice, there was pride in her eyes.

“Well now ...Aggie ...I want you to answer me truthfully as you’ve been in this house for so long and have knowledge of its inhabitants and its atmosphere ... How do you feel about Freya being here? I mean ...don’t you think she might be better in a hospital ...or in some institution perhaps?”

Aggie gasped and closed her eyes tightly for a second before she opened them again.

“Oh! The poor wee lass ...She should never be sent to an institution. Oh! Dear me, no ...never that. I thought that was the reason why Amy was employed, so that Freya could be looked after here at Glencara?”

“Yes, yes of course ...That is precisely the reason why Amy is here, but we must also hold open an alternative in the event that caring for Freya may get ...well, too much for one person.”

Aggie rubbed her forehead with her thumb and forefinger.

“But there isn’t just one person. I’m here to help Amy when she requires it ...whenever she needs time off or just a break. Surely we can manage between the two of us?”

Steven looked at Gerry and then at Anna.

“You are very kind Aggie, but Freya will not always remain a child. She will grow older as the years pass quickly and we must think ahead too. We must think this situation out very clearly.”
Anna began to pour some more coffee as Steven turned to me.

“Amy, can I ask your views on this subject, with the understanding of course, that you are employed to take care of Freya as a nanny and as you know, that function will cease as she gets older?”
I paused ... Here again I had the perfect opportunity to ‘throw in the towel’. I was invited to choose and yet, I couldn’t. I saw Freya’s eyes as I pondered and then gave my answer, knowing full well that any nanny knows her charge is only for a few short years.

“As I have already said Steven, Freya is a human being and will be, as a child or as a woman, capable of giving and receiving love and I would like to think that we can do that for her now ...today and those efforts may well determine what she will be like tomorrow.”

Steven stared at me with unflinching eyes and then he smiled.

“Amy, you have the rare quality of understanding, combined with patience and tenacity. I think we will work well together. I’m going to commence a new therapy for Freya starting on Monday and with the co-operation of you and Aggie, we may be able to give her a quality of life that she wouldn’t otherwise have expected, but I would emphasize and this is most important,” Steven turned to Gerry as he spoke, “Freya may never reach her adult years and we have to be prepared for any contingency, if she does. At least now, we are all in the picture together as a team and who knows what we might achieve.”

Anna yawned.

“Oh! Please excuse me for seeming to be so rude, but I think we all need a good night’s rest,” she said and patted her stomach as she spoke. “Steven, you have the same room as you always have when you visit us, so you know where to go and where everything is, don’t you?” Steven nodded and drained his glass. “Aggie will help Amy if she has any difficulties, but I think she knows the place by now and she has settled in very well considering it is such a large house. Goodnight to you all and thank you for your help.”

Gerry took Anna’s hand and they went upstairs together.

“Goodnight everyone,” He called out as they went.

I remember looking at the last glow of the embers in the fireplace and the fading shadows flickering feebly against the ceiling as I left the room. Steven stood by the door and held it open for me. “Goodnight Amy,” I heard him say ...and I went to bed, happy and with a joyful heart.