Chapter Fifteen

 

WE HAD JUST EATEN DINNER and Gerry ushered us all into the library where Aggie had arranged to serve the coffee.

“I think it’s time we had a little talk about Freya, Amy,” he whispered in my ear as Anna shoved a leather bound book she had been pretending to read, back into the bookshelf by the fireplace. In her haste it feel to the floor, but she quickly picked it up again and gave me a look that seemed to say that everything would be alright ...now that Gerry had taken the matter in hand. I saw her walk towards the French doors, handkerchief in hand and purposely avoiding my eyes.

“Dear Amy ...Anna has told me of your problem and please believe me I am truly sorry. We all know the difficulties in caring for Freya and as you know, Anna, Aggie and I shared the task before you came to us.” He coughed and looked about for Anna, but she was busy looking at the sky outside. “Is there any way ...anything at all I can say to make you change your mind and stay with us. I speak for Anna as well as myself when I say we don’t want to lose you.”

Aggie came into the room with her tray at that moment.

“Coffee anyone,” she called out in a carefree voice, but no-one answered.

“Well I can’t drink it all myself now ...can I?” She giggled … knowing the tension of the moment, but Anna reached forward and took a cup from the tray.

“I’ll pour one for Gerry too Aggie,” she said, “And I think Amy might “
she stopped and stared at me with a look of hope in her eye. “We are just discussing Freya, Aggie ...and how difficult she is to care for,” she went on and cast a sheepish glance towards Gerry. He coughed and turned towards me.

“Would it help if we employed a junior to assist, do you think Amy? Perhaps someone who could do some of the none-nursing chores, you know ...like washing and changing her ...things like that?”

By this time I was beginning to feel thoroughly ashamed of myself and accepted the coffee that Anna handed to me. How could I begin to explain to any one of them, that it wasn’t the chores that worried me? I was prepared for anything ... I was a nurse, for God’s sake ...it was just that I hated this hostility that Freya showed in everything I did, or tried to do for her.

Aggie came towards me smiling, with a plate of chocolate biscuits in her hand.

“I know it’s hard, Love and I do whatever I can, but if there is anything more I can do, you mustn’t be afraid to ask,” she said and I wished the ground would open up and swallow me.

“You have all been very kind. I’m just a little tired and most probably exaggerating my lot. Can we just forget that I ever mentioned there was a problem? I’ll carry on as I have been doing and perhaps Steven may be able to put forward a few ideas when he next comes to Glencara . . .besides, there’s little Francesca. I hope I haven’t been neglecting her Anna. I wouldn’t like to do that.”

“Oh! no Amy … Quite to the contrary. Both Gerry and I feel you are doing a great job of looking after my baby and Frannie loves you, I’m sure. It’s so easy to see that, but …”

She stopped and looked at Gerry, “Maybe a few days away is what you need. Perhaps even a weekend or even a week somewhere where you can collect your thoughts and come back to us afresh. What do you think?”

I didn’t know what to say but Gerry answered for me.

“A splendid idea; a long weekend or even more if you wish Amy and anywhere you choose.”

I felt like a spoiled child as I thanked them and suggested that a weekend would be enough for me to sort myself out.

“You could go on Thursday then Amy ...and come back on Tuesday, “Anna went on and I wanted to cry as I looked at Aggie for I knew that she would have to bear the brunt of the responsibility for Freya when I was away, if I accepted their offer. She took my hand and patted it.

“I think that’s just what you need Amy,” she whispered in my ear, “You know with all this on top of your recent bereavement ... it isn’t a good thing for anyone.”

I could see Anna smiling and Gerry produced the cognac.

“Well, that’s settled then Amy. It only remains for you to decide where you want to go.”

 

***

 

Steven drove me into Glasgow where he had a clinic to attend that evening

“This is a wonderful suggestion Amy, “ he said, “I wish I had thought of it myself. When was it all arranged?”

I told him of Gerry and Anna’s offer from the previous evening when he had been at the hospital in Edinburgh.

“Great … Yes, that’s really great. Where are you going Amy?”

It was all so hurried and unexpected that I wasn’t sure myself, but I thought I might spend a few days with Stella again and perhaps mooch around London and do some shopping.

“I’ll stay with my cousin for a few days Steven. I’d like to see her and her family again. She is Robbie’s mother, you know ...the little boy I told you about,” I said and I smiled at the thought of seeing Robbie again. I suppose I always thought of him as a little boy, but he was fifteen, going on sixteen ...a young man now, but I still thought of him as a little boy. To me, he looked no more than twelve at most.

“Of course Amy and I think that will be lovely for you. Will you be away for long?” Steven asked as he studied his car mirror for passing traffic.

“Just for a few days … I should be back for Tuesday evening,” I replied and he smiled and nodded his head without taking his eyes from the wheel. “Steven ...I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I hope you don’t think that ...It’s just that everything I do for Freya seems to be to no avail. I feel so useless. Perhaps I’m not the right person for the job of looking after a child like that ...I don’t know.”

He swerved to avoid a herd of cows on the road, just as we left Fort William and I saw him look at me, in his mirror.

“But you are Amy. Believe me, YOU ARE. .”

But my experience in this type of nursing is almost nil, Steven,” I protested and he didn’t speak for a long time after I said that, which made me think that he too, had doubts about my capabilities and that he was just being kind. Then his response came as a bolt out of the blue.

“You are more suited than your predecessors,” he added calmly and much to my surprise.

“What? Were there others before me?” I asked in dismay.

“Two more ...there would have been three but the last one changed her mind as soon as she saw Freya.” he said and I could feel the blood rush to my head and my face began to smart.

“Oh! My God ...why didn’t someone tell me before? Why didn’t you tell me Steven?”

His eyes met mine for a moment, though still in his mirror.

“Would it have made any difference?” he asked, “Would it have persuaded you to stay, or to leave, for that matter ...on the strength of what others may have done or thought before you ...I doubt it. Amy. Please believe me YOU ARE THE ONE FOR THIS JOB. Gerry and Anna know it ...I know it ...why even Aggie would agree with us. Gerry should have told you about the others, I will admit that, but then there’s a lot he should have told you, I guess. Perhaps he felt he might have lost you if he said too much. Who knows ...you might have been influenced by the others and it could have prevented you giving the job a fair trial.”

“Well ...thanks for your confidence,” I added angrily.

“Amy ...let’s be blunt. We all know that the child is unbalanced. We all know that the job of looking after her is a very special and difficult task. The child will never get better and God alone knows what adulthood is ahead for her ...if any, but Gerry has to look after her in the meantime. She’s his sister’s baby, for God’s sake. Isn’t she?”

“I know ...I know and I understand the circumstances .Oh! Steven ...I am so ashamed of my feelings. I want to be different ...to feel different towards Freya ...but I find it almost impossible. I want to give her all the love I can ...all the love I feel she needs, but she resists me, time and time again and that bloody rocking horse doesn’t help either.”

Steven applied his brakes and the car came to a halt near a vast and sprawling meadow, full of yellow buttercups and studded here and there with a cluster of virgin daisies. It looked so beautiful ...so simple and yet so extravagantly beautiful, this golden blanket of wonder as the lazy sun streaked across its surface followed by the shadows on the noon clouds.

“What do you know about that Amy?” He asked abruptly as if annoyed that I should even have mentioned the subject.

“Only that it seems to have as much life as Freya has, that’s all. It moves without even being touched and it glares at me with threatening eyes ...It ...it ...”

I stopped to think of an expression to use and Steven touched my hand.

“It what, Amy?” he asked again in defiance and I stammered in my efforts to explain.

“It ...it drips ...It drips raindrops from its nose, whenever she gets wet in the rain. The horse gets wet and she remains dry. Oh! God, Steven. It’s frightening. The whole thing frightens me.”

Steven stroked my hand gently.

“You’ve had a rough time Amy and I’m sorry ... but please don’t leave Glencara. I think we’d all miss you more than you would ever know if you did leave and with me perhaps more than any of the others ...”

I looked at him in amazement although I should have known that one day he would have said something like this and I was ashamed; ashamed because my heart could not respond.

“You hardly know me Steven ...and yet …”

He leaned over to kiss me but my lips rejected his action and he pulled away.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he said softly. “This chap’s been married before. He should know what to expect when he tells a girl he is attracted to her.”

I tried to explain about my life with mother ...how love was not included in my daily lot, but even though I knew I was speaking, the words didn’t seem to make much sense any more and I shut up ...remembering how I had considered that mother was truly dead and gone, with all the memories, when I heard the will read out. She had not wanted me for anything other than a servant, so why should I allow her to control my life now; to control my feelings, which unlike hers, were not dead, but very much alive. I had no excuses left for the way I felt, or for the way I was made. I wasn’t attractive ...at least I had never thought of myself in that way and now that I had been disinherited, it was foolish to argue that any man who found me attractive, was after my money. Steven could never be considered in that category ...He had a house of his own. A beautiful house I was told, outside Edinburgh and he had no children, nor responsibilities other than his very well paid profession so what did he see in me?” He was so good looking and I was sure there were many women who admired him and he would certainly have met many women by the nature of his work. He had that boyish way of doings things, even the most important things, as though everything was a great laugh and that nothing was as important as it appeared. He was about to speak to me again, but I could see by the look in his eye that it was going to be an extension of his last compliment, so I interrupted, to save him any further embarrassment.

“I sometimes feel so old, Steven,” I said ...”So very old and that something has gone from my life ...something that I can never ever hope to recapture again.”

He ignored my protest of his admiration and looked seriously into my eyes.

“I don’t believe that Amy and even if you do, I could make you feel young again,” he murmured as he came closer and I wanted to feel differently towards him when I studied his face. I wanted him to kiss me again and I knew I would not turn away, but respond to him with feeling ... but somewhere in my very depth, a cold wind blew ...and I felt I had lost all chance of love in that moment and that no amount of affection or love could melt the ice in my heart.

Her looked away from me sadly and started the car again, staring into the mirror as we sped off.

“Give me time ... Give me time Steven,” I pleaded in silence ...”Be patient with me ... my Darling, please….”

The wind was blowing me somewhere, but I didn’t know where. I only know that it pulled and pushed ... and I had to obey.as I struggled to deny that I was falling in love with Steven Capriano.