Chapter Twenty-Nine
I PAUSED AND CLOSED MY EYES, as I held Robbie’s hand so tightly that I heard him whimper as we stood together outside Freya’s bedroom door.
“Oh! I’m sorry darling ...I’m so sorry.”
I realized only too well by that time and by that simple transaction, how dependent we are on speech; to be able to call out, to shout, to scream when the occasion demands and to know that someone will hear and do something about it. Poor Robbie was so restricted in his ability to complain or to do anything that we ordinary mortals take for granted.
I could see a coupe of heads ...one dark and one fair, popping out from a doorway, one above the other, further down the corridor and I knew that the boys were amused at my attempts, feeble though they were, to get into the ‘House of Horrors’ with my guest. I giggled and hoped that Robbie had not noticed, for we had all come to know Freya’s boudoir by that infamous name.
I knocked once and waited before I knocked a second time, but I received no answer ...not even a grunt. ...and then I thought how ludicrous it was to be so polite ...but perhaps I did this as it was the way in which I was trained as a nurse ...to respect everyone’s privacy and never to invade without invitation. You just NEVER would enter another person’s room unless you knocked ... Oh! These bloody Victorian practices ... I took a deep breath and went in, pulling Robbie behind me and noticing that his eyes were as big as saucers as he strained to take everything in, although the room was in semi darkness. I could see he was puzzled as we passed Dobbin, standing in the corner near the window ...more particularly when the thing began to rock, but Robbie, being Robbie, found this highly amusing and grinned at the horse as we passed. I held his hand firmly, thinking of Madam, should she start to spit or perform any of her other idiosyncrasies that were supposed to strike fear into the hearts of anyone who approached her. I had already resolved that if she started any of her nonsense, I would whisk Robbie out of the room and out of her sight ... never more to return with him. He could well do without all that palaver, I thought, but then I began to realize that it was I and not Robbie who was nervous, since I could feel his cool hand in mine. I looked at his eyes and as they danced with high expectancy, I wished for his sake that things could have been different at Glencara.
“Freya ...Freya darling, I’ve brought Robbie to see you ...Look! Robbie is the little nephew I told you about.”
I peeped into the cot, still holding Robbie’s hand, but Freya did not move. She lay with her head turned away from me and facing the wall and as I looked again at Robbie, I got the surprise of my life. I was worried as to how he would respond to Freya, with her looking so strange and hardly bearing any resemblance to a human being, but he peered into the cot and to my amazement, he smiled ... and it was a genuine smile of affection. He inclined his head a little to get a full picture of her face and then he smiled again, before he turned towards me and grinned, almost mischievously as though we were all taking part in a great game of wonderment. His eyes were large and alert and full of joy.
“Nee ho ra,” he said softly and touched Freya’s arm gently, “Nee ho ra,”
I watched her face and saw her sniff, before she turned round to face Robbie and her eyes were softer than I had ever known them to be before ... then she too smiled, to my utter disbelief. I watched her facial muscles twitch and contract as if she wanted to say something, but I knew she could not speak ... or so I thought.
“Saas ma tro,” she said, very clearly and her voice was young and tender ...and most remarkable of all, it was very feminine. I could not believe my eyes as Robbie released his hand from my grip and leaned across the top of the cot, to touch Freya’s ear. Her snout wrinkled up into something resembling a smile and she kissed Robbie’s fingers. It didn’t matter that he was blonde, I thought immediately ...or that he was my nephew ...that he was a visitor from ‘the outside world’ and not family ...Nothing mattered. Freya obviously liked him or at least she could relate to him in some way and I breathed a sigh of relief. With Robbie’s help, I had started to make a breakthrough and I didn’t know what next to do as I stood there like a gooseberry on a date, as these two ‘chatted away’ to each other in a language of their very own. There was no way, it seemed that I was going to separate them, as Freya started to sit up and was leaning across the cot, pulling Robbie tenderly towards her. I was beginning to have a fear of what might happen on this physical contact, but I need not have worried. Robbie was bending across the bed laughing and chattering as I had never heard him chatter before.
“Oooh bee laa hoo,” he said and I didn’t understand a word, but she obviously did, as I watched her smile as she twisted her head with grace and studied the beauty that she saw before her. In awe I left the room and them in each other’s company only to meet two puzzled little faces in the corridor outside, who stared at me with their mouths wide open and with eyes that lacked expression. It was Gideon who spoke first as he swallowed hard.
“You’re not gonna leave Robbie in there ... on his own ...surely Amy. Why she’ll eat him for breakfast.”
I scolded him affectionately since I could understand his sentiments.
“She’s had her breakfast,” was all I could think to say and Anton laughed.
Maybe if one of us goes in ...to distract her attention ...then perhaps you might be able to drag Robbie out,” said Anton, but I could only smile.
“There’s a pipe of peace being smoked in there,” I said “And I’m leaving well alone.”
“But Amy ...?”
I dismissed their protest with one wave of my hand.
“We’ll see Robbie ...when we see him,” I announced and went to my room confused, but happier than I had been for some considerable time.
Anna would not believe it ...Gerry could not believe it and Aggie stared at me speechless when I told her what had happened on the ‘visit’ and everyone was amazed when Freya made her appearance in the lounge, for the concert that same evening. She couldn’t manage the stairs on her own, but Gerry carried her down in his arms and I couldn’t help noticing the strange look he had in his eye. It was a look of fear and pride at the same time. Freya was capable of toddling around on her own when she reached the level of the lounge floor, until she signalled that she wanted to be sat in an armchair ...one that was very conveniently placed near the piano.
The boys played several hits by Cole Porter and a few odd numbers from Gershwin before they took the second half with the classics of Chopin and various Strauss waltzes. It was a wonderful evening and I felt completely relaxed as I didn’t have to attend to Freya once in all that time of such fine entertainment. I watched her face carefully on several occasions when I knew she wasn’t looking at me and I found it hard to recognise what I saw there. She looked almost human and there was no evidence of any discharge from her snout and I wondered what Dobbin was doing upstairs …on his own … I watched Freya’s eyes. They were tender and caring and for a moment, I was fascinated, if likewise afraid. I had seen those eyes before ...but I didn’t know where?
***
Robbie was in an ecstasy as he played and I was astounded. His eyes were closed most of the time and the grin that was permanently his own had gone. His deft fingers hardly touched the keys as he struck home the notes of so much joy and happiness; of love and peace ...and singular beauty. The air was filled with enchantment and there was a silence as he played where one could have heard a pin drop, outside of his music. Gideon and Anton played in harmony with him, but he was the accompanist when they played their own pieces, staying faint and light in the background and allowing them to be heard in the particular beauty of art that was theirs, but when he played solo ... he came into his own. His fingers mastered the keys completely, commanding whatever he demanded of them, with his head held high, swaying gently as though mesmerized by a power that he could not control. Could this be Robbie? I asked myself. The same little boy who would throw his arms around my neck and kiss me with so much affection and childish admiration and now, here he was in a reverse roll, with his beautiful strong profile, swaying gently and in abandon, whilst holding each of us in the strength of his performance.
I saw Robbie the man ...and had lost sight in those few magic moments ...of the boy. I noticed that when Freya looked at Anton, she appeared to be disinterested and when she looked at Gideon, there was a distinct frown on her face, but when she looked at Robbie, who was ...and I could not forget that fact ...Blonde and fair of face ...there was a light in her eyes and she purred like a kitten. I saw an excited movement when her eyes lit up as Robbie swept back his hair from his forehead, at one incident in the evening, with one stroke of his hand. The evening went off with greater expectations than we had ever thought possible ...and with even greater achievements, but I could not help having my thoughts interrupted by the horse upstairs and I wondered was he happy ... and rocking like the idiot he was ...
I excused myself when everyone was enjoying coffee after the performance and congratulations were being bandied about, to nip upstairs to slake the thirst of my curiosity. I went into Freya’s bedroom, purposely without knocking ... to find Dobbin struggling with some considerable violence and would have upturned on his heels had it not been for the pouffe that was strategically placed between him and the window. The moon shone across his arched back and down his legs, forming a shadow on the carpet of gigantic proportions, sinister and fearful in its erratic war dance. I noticed some drops of rain on the window pain and then a flurry of pebbles hit the glass as the wind had blown stronger and the rain had fallen heavier. I rubbed my eyes and stared again at the horse, but he had stopped abruptly and remained still, looking, so it seemed out of the window, with a blank expression on his already lifeless face, but as I looked closer, I could see a tear glisten, just below his right eye. I thought it could have been a rain drop, but the windows were closed tightly ...and I watched as the tear trickled down his face and disappear into the carpet.
Steven had been called away suddenly to Edinburgh, as frequently happened when he came to visit us at Glencara and he was unable to share the wonderful breakthrough with Freya, so of course, I was absolutely delighted to convey the good news to him when he returned on the following morning, but he received my tale of triumphant victory with mixed feelings, quite contrary to what I had expected of him. After lunch we took ourselves off to our usual haunt in the gazebo, which had been abandoned by the boys in favour of a bus trip to the village in order to show Robbie the local ‘tuck shop’.
“I don’t understand Freya’s immediate response to your nephew, Amy,” Steven reflected, stroking his chin with his well manicured fingers. “It has so many contradictory attributes, hasn’t it?”
“I don’t know what you mean, Steven.”
“Well ...I mean, Robbie is blonde and you’ve told me so often that Freya doesn’t approve of blondes. He’s not family and she hates strangers …Why it took her ages to get used to me and I don’t think even now, she’s too keen on me ...nor of you, for that matter.” I shrugged my shoulders. I could only reiterate what I saw with my own eyes. “And you’ve heard her actually speak, you say?” he went on.
“Well ...when I said she spoke, I meant she uttered sounds that were obviously words of some kind for Robbie to understand. He also has his own way of speaking and somehow, after a little while, if you’re patient enough, you begin to understand what he’s saying.”
Steven rubbed his chin again, with his fingers spread out across his lips.
“Mmmmh!” he moaned and his eyes narrowed. “There is a contradiction here Amy; a very strong contradiction. Do you know that?”
I stared at him not knowing what on earth he was talking about.
“Oh! I know there is no logic in what has happened Steven,” I said, feeling a little disappointed that he hadn’t understood so readily as I had thought he would, “But then ...what is logic? Isn’t it relative to the situation? Is there any logic when one person takes a fancy to another? It’s just the chemistry of the situation surely ... you must understand that.”
He smiled condescendingly and that made me more annoyed.
“Why yes, of course ...You’re right Amy, but I was thinking along quite different lines. Haven’t you ever heard of the ‘suggestion of the circle’ where one point of the circle meets up with the other?”
I thought of what Gerry had told me previously about this matter and I had been mystified and terrified then as I was beginning to feel now, but I hadn’t told Steven of that conversation with Gerry ...not then nor since and I didn’t want to talk about anything that Gerry may have told me in confidence.
“I’m not sure what you mean, Steven,” I hedged and he studied his nails as he bit his lower lip.
“Well there is a theory which is predominantly held by many doctors and particularly psychiatrists in Germany during the Nazi regime, where they elaborated on the ‘perfect species of man’ and it was this ... that if you mated a lunatic; the bottom line of intelligence, with a genius, the upper echelon ...then you would arrive at the imperfect being married to the perfect, thus completing the circle.” I admitted to having heard such a theory, but I wouldn’t admit to where I had heard it or to whom I had heard speaking of it. “And if you will forgive me Amy and I do not want to seem derogatory in any way about your young nephew, but he is ...well, not exactly of the upper echelon, is he? ...although he is a very sweet and perfectly lovely young man.,” he went on and I could feel myself becoming angry again. My colour began to rise and I could feel it as Steven spoke about Robbie in that way, but I knew what Steven was talking about. I knew what he was trying to make me understand and was begrudging of all that I was hearing. Robbie was now in a different class, as far as I was concerned. His playing was well above average ...in fact it was bordering on the genius and therefore he was the upper echelon. “So you see Amy,” Steven added, “To mate ...not literally of course, but spiritually with Freya, who is also of low calibre rating is not what many would see as the perfect solution, is it?”
The perfect solution ...the perfect Race ...all this jargon annoyed me.
“Steven, we are not talking here about the Nazi ideals for humanity ... My God, you could write a book about all that crap ...We are discussing a situation where two simple, ordinary souls are in some way attracted to each other and able to understand a language by which they are able to express their emotions.”
Steven looked at me as he shook his head slowly.
“I know ...I know Amy, but can’t you see ...Freya cannot accept ANYONE in friendship, normally ...but she CAN accept Robbie. I am simply asking you to accept that it may well be the attraction of similarity ...and not as we would normally consider the attraction of opposites. Perhaps we have been barking up the wrong tree until now and hoping for a breakthrough with Freya by ...and again, please don’t misunderstand me …NORMAL MEANS?”
I was angry and proud at the same moment. Angry that Steven should for one second consider Robbie to be abnormal ...or subnormal, however he wanted to describe it. ... and proud that my abnormal nephew was the key instrument that we had been searching for all this time with our super normal intelligence …
“I don’t understand all this circle business,” I muttered under my breath and Steven took my hand in his.
“Ask Gerry to explain it to you sometime and I think you might understand,” he said quietly, “Now can I walk you back to the house? It’s getting rather chilly out here and that dress you’re wearing looks very flimsy to me. You must be cold.” He touched my shoulder gently and looked into my eyes. “I want to kiss you when you look at me like that, you know,” he said and I heard him, but I wasn’t ready for words like that at that moment. My mind was full of questions without answers ...answers that I felt Robbie alone could satisfy for me ... if only he could speak.