The cabin is slowly becoming my second home. I light a candle that I bought at the farmers’ market last year and brought with me. It smells like a man’s cologne, and I’m hoping it will help me channel Pete for his point of view in my story.
Because though this story needs to be written, I’d really rather spend my day with Hudson. He doesn’t have any lessons this morning and wanted to spend Adley’s time at preschool in bed with me. It was tempting and hard to deny him, but I have to finish this book.
When I saw the email from my editor this morning, it made my decision for me.
The sooner I knock this out, the sooner I can spend my free time with Hudson, so I tell myself that today is worth spending the time writing.
Bea knew Pete wouldn’t abandon her. She couldn’t remember if they’d used a condom and it broke or if they hadn’t bothered at all with protection in their drunkenness. When she was one week late, she chalked it up to stress. Stress about losing Pete after they had hooked up. Stress that he was now her roommate. Stress that she didn’t have a clue what she was going to do with her life. When her period didn’t come by the third week, something inside her told her to take a test and here they were. Her crying while Pete tried to assure her everything would be fine. She had to get a grip.
She wiped her tears from her face with her palm.
“Are you sure you’re pregnant?”
She laughed, although it was sarcastic and not fair to him. He hadn’t seen the six tests she’d taken.
“Stupid question.” Pete shook his head. “Do you know what you want to do?”
Bea hadn’t thought of anything except how similar this all seemed to her mother’s story when she was pregnant with her. Other than the fact that her mother was madly in love with her dad, and they were together at the time. Until…Bea didn’t want to go into the past again. All it ever did was conjure up hurt and anger. As everyone always told her, she had to get over it.
Her hand landed on her stomach. Although there was no movement from the little being growing inside her, she knew there was only one decision to be made. She picked up her head and exhaled a deep breath. “I want to have the baby.”
Pete exhaled hard and sat down on one of the chairs, no expression on his face.
“You don’t have to…I mean, I’ll go home and raise the baby. You don’t have to be involved. I don’t want to force this on you.” She thought she was giving Pete an out, but he sprang from the chair so forcefully it toppled back, banging against the floor.
“What?” Pete walked away from her, tugging at his neck. He didn’t say anything else. He didn’t look at her. He didn’t do anything except stare at the wall.
Bea’s stomach clenched. Was he mad at her? Because it took two people to get here. She knew he had dreams of making it in the snowboarding world, that he had been spending a lot of time perfecting his tricks, and a baby would throw a kink in his plan. Neither of them made nearly enough money at their jobs, but surely others with less made it work.
“Talk to me,” she said in a near whisper.
He turned around, and she’d rarely seen the expression he wore on his face. He’d certainly never looked at her with it. He was livid, and she didn’t understand why. Her defensive side had her straightening her back as she prepared for a fight.
“In all the time you’ve known me, how could you think I wouldn’t be there to help? That I wouldn’t stand at your side? That I wouldn’t hold your hand when our child is born? Fuck, Bea, this pisses me off.” He stormed into the kitchen, and she followed.
He grabbed a beer from the fridge, cracked it open, and downed half the bottle. When he slammed it on the counter, she was surprised it didn’t break. As she processed what he was actually angry about, she realized she had underestimated him, and he was right to be upset.
She knew this man. How could she think he’d do anything other than support her decision.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to feel trapped.” She wrapped her arms around her stomach, nausea rumbling hard.
He shook his head. “It’s not ideal. I think you agree with me on that since you cried when you told me. But it’s our baby, Bea. Half you and half me.” His gaze fell to her stomach. “I’d never walk away from you two, and I thought you knew that about me. I thought you trusted me.”
Bea flinched at the word trust. She knew she had no good reason not to trust the people in her life. But she still always expected the worst of them. She was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for people to prove to her that they weren’t who they said they were. She was sure they’d disappoint her if she gave them all of herself. The lie about her parents that she’d discovered at fourteen had shaken her to her core. But Pete had never done one thing wrong.
“I do trust you,” she admitted. Walking over, she slid her arms around his stomach. “I trust you, Pete.”
He was one of the few people in the world where that held true. She hadn’t realized it until just that moment. When she saw those positive signs on all the tests, she’d had a gut feeling that Pete wouldn’t walk away from her now. But that seed of doubt always sat in her subconscious mind, waiting for anything to nurture it to life.
She looked up at him. His arms lay limp at his sides. “I’m sorry. Can we start this over?”
Pete’s eyes met hers, and a slow smile creased his lips. “Yeah.” He sheltered her in his arms. The warmth of that hug felt like home. “We’ll figure this out together.”
Bea allowed all the alarms in her head to quiet, or maybe it was Pete who silenced them. All she knew was that she’d do anything for this little one growing inside her body and she’d never take him or her away from their father.
I shut Adley’s door quietly and tiptoe downstairs. I find Hudson on the couch, sprawled on his back, remote in hand.
“When did you get here?” I ask, walking over to the couch with a smile.
He holds out his hand, and when I accept it, he tugs me down on top of him. “I knew you were putting her to bed, so I snuck in.” He drops the remote on the coffee table and his warm arms wrap around me. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.”
He quirks an eyebrow. “Tell me about the book. How’s it going? You seem like you’ve really hit your stride.”
I don’t want to talk about the book. Lately, I’ve realized how similar the story is to Hudson’s and my own. It’s embarrassing, and I’m not sure how he’ll handle it. I know I have to talk to him about it. Especially before it’s published, if it’s published—my editor may say it sucks.
“How were your lessons?” I change the subject.
From the small shake of his head, he knows what I’m doing. He slides so his back is pressed against the back of the couch, and I lie on my side. His fingers tease the patch of skin above my waist. “Fine. The usual whiny kids and grown adults on holiday.”
I laugh, remembering the stories he’s told me about adults being worse than the kids. “Do you ever wish—”
He places his fingers over my lips to silence me. I’ve asked him this same question a million times, and he never wants to answer me.
“Hudson?”
His body sinks into the cushion. “I would never trade this life.” Placing a hand on my hip, he sits up on the end of the couch. “I’m not gonna lie and say Matt being here hasn’t conjured up some ‘what-if’ thoughts.”
I sit up and bring my knees up to my chest. “Yeah?”
He slides closer, tugging my arms from around my legs. “But this, us, our family, is number one.”
“You could do the halfpipe,” I say.
The day I found out I was pregnant was the last day he ever did a run on the halfpipe.
“Never. We both know how dangerous it is.”
During that year and few months that we hung out before we came to Lake Starlight, I did witness a lot of injuries among the guys he hung around.
“But—”
“Will you please stop?” He cradles my face with his hands. “I’m exactly where I want to be. End of discussion.”
He kisses me, and I lose my train of thought. Everything else evaporates. I lower my legs, and he leans his back along the couch, bringing me over his lap so I’m straddling him. Our tongues tangle and a fluttery sensation ghosts across my skin. A low whine squeaks out of me when he ends the kiss.
“This is so much better than trying some hard-ass trick on a halfpipe.”
“You always say the best things.” I grin at him.
“Only to you.” He leans forward and places his lips on mine again.
I wish I didn’t always think I took him away from his future. I wouldn’t trade Adley for anything, but I’m living my dream as a writer. When I hear him complain, I feel guilty. And if I have him, then I have everything a girl could want.
Hudson strips his lips from mine and gives me a look as if to say, get out of your head, we’re making out here.
“I’m sorry.”
He sighs. “When will you believe me?”
“I do. I mean, I know how much you love Adley.” And I do know it. That’s the truth.
He leans back and locks eyes with me. I look to my right, feeling a tad vulnerable. He lightly grasps my chin and brings me to face him again. “And I love you. I’m not sure you understand how happy this has all made me. I’ve waited a long time to get this chance with you, Palmer. I want a future with you and not as the co-parent of our daughter. Sure, I pushed away my feelings a long time ago, thinking you might never get there.”
“She comes first,” I say for what feels like the millionth time since we found out about her.
He chuckles, but it’s not hearty like when we’re messing around. “Always. But you need a life too. You need love too. Let me love you, Palmer. That’s all I ask. Just let me in.”
My hands slide up his torso and around his neck. “Hudson, I’ve let you in more than anyone else.”
“I know, and thank you for that. But open up the rest of the way for me. Give me all of yourself, and I promise I’ll give you a life filled with happiness.”
I can’t deny how scared I am to let him have all of me, but one thing I learned from my parents after I found out the truth is you can’t accomplish anything halfway. If I really want this to work, damn the consequences, I have to put everything into it.
“Okay,” I say and kiss him.
He closes the kiss right away, and I groan. “Finally. Fuck, you’re a hard one.”
I giggle, and his fingers fiddle with the hem of my T-shirt, sliding under and coasting up to my breasts. Our kisses become more urgent. I really wish we could have sex, but Adley is just upstairs. So we settle for a heavy make-out session with a lot of touching.
We lie on the couch until one in the morning, talking and kissing and just enjoying one another. Our long goodbye at my back door is excruciating since I want to take him to my room, but we promise to get a night alone soon.
I flick the lock on the door.
“Mommy.”
I circle around so fast I get dizzy. Adley stands there in her pajamas. Why are you up?
“I peed,” she says and breaks down crying.
I rush over and pick her up, taking one last look at Hudson walking into his house.
Who am I kidding? He had all of me a long time ago. There’s no playing this halfway to protect myself from getting hurt. I love that man.