A few more weeks pass, and I grow antsy, wanting to out us. We’ve almost gotten caught by everyone we know, including Palmer’s mom. At first it was fun, sneaking kisses and finding secret places to fuck. Hell, Adley woke up one night to find me between her mom’s legs. We made up an excuse that I was helping Palmer find something she’d dropped.
We’re probably scarring Adley for life.
Most of all, I want to sleep—not have sex, sleep—in a bed with Palmer. I want to see her right before I shut my eyes, hold her tightly all night, and kiss her awake in the morning. I want us to start our life together.
Palmer isn’t great at telling people what she wants, so the manuscript I read with a story so similar to ours keeps repeating in my head. Maybe she does want it all, but she’s scared to admit it to herself.
Which is why I’m standing in a jewelry store in Anchorage with Harper next to me.
“Have you guys talked about this?” Harper asks, putting a ring the saleswoman is showing me on her hand and admiring it.
“No, but it’s the next step. What do you think of that one?”
She takes it off. “Are you sure she wants this? I mean, Palmer has always had different thoughts about marriage than most women.” She picks up a princess-cut diamond ring. At this point, I think she just wants to try on every damn ring in the store.
My gut says this is where we should be going. Harper isn’t wrong—neither Palmer nor I have ever felt as though we needed a marriage license with whoever we ended up with. We both feel it doesn’t change anything, doesn’t bind two people together any more than they already are. But I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never wanted someone to have my last name. To have a corny sign on our door with a last name we all share.
“I guess I’ll find out when I ask her. You’re still good to watch Adley this weekend?”
She eyes me, and I see the skepticism all over her face. “Of course. I bought a neon pink nail polish she’ll love.”
“Thanks. And you can keep her at your place?”
“Sure. Do you want any help with the plans?”
“No. I’ve got it covered.” That’s an easy one, because Palmer isn’t one for flashy public displays.
“Can I see that round one with the small diamonds on the side?” She points at the ring in question in the glass case.
“Are you looking for yourself or Palmer?” I ask what I’ve been wondering for the last hour.
“Palmer, of course,” she says, but I don’t believe her, and I don’t think the saleswoman does either. “I wonder what it must be like to wear this kind of symbol on your hand so that the whole world knows that someone loves you enough to spend a small fortune on you. Like he wants to show the world that you belong to him.”
The words ring true, and I realize that’s another reason I’m standing here—I want everyone to know Palmer is mine and how much I love her. Who would’ve guessed that Harper knew my reason for being here better than I did?
“A hopeless romantic, huh?” the saleswoman asks her.
I’ve never thought of Harper as a hopeless romantic. I always assumed she didn’t want to settle down because of what an active sex life she has. I thought she loves her life, not being attached to any one guy. But what if all this time she’s just been searching for the right guy?
“Nice guys are hard to come by,” she tells the lady. “Last one. The pear shape please.”
The saleswoman pulls out the pear-shaped diamond ring on a platinum band, and Harper and I turn to each other.
“That’s the one,” we say in unison.
I take it from the velvet mat and examine the unique way the band is thicker, the two diamonds on the side bigger than normal. It fits Palmer perfectly. “Package it up please.”
“Did you want to try it on for him?” the saleswoman asks Harper.
“No!” we say at the same time.
“That’s only meant for one person to wear.” Harper looks at me.
I completely agree. It’s Palmer’s ring, and it will never be on any finger but hers.
The saleswomen goes to polish and clean it and package it up.
“Thanks, Harper.”
“Always happy to help, and I won’t tell a soul, but you should know rumors are swirling. People already suspect something is up with you two, so coming out as an engaged couple…people might say ‘I knew it.’”
How on Earth do people know anything when we’re so good about sneaking around? I’m so over Buzz Wheel.
“I don’t care what other people say or think.”
She nods. “I know. That’s why you’re perfect for her. Always have been. She should have listened to me sooner.” She walks away while I go to pay for the ring.
Signing my credit card receipt, I think about the look on Palmer’s face when I propose to her. Harper’s questions about whether I’m making the right decision surface, but I push away the doubts.
Adley went over to Harper’s place, and Palmer thinks it is so we can have some time alone. Turns out having houses right next to one another isn’t ideal when you want to sneak around, and you have an almost four-year-old. Adley’s constantly going from house to house, so there are no sleepovers. But hopefully after tonight, that all changes.
Last night, I made an elegant dinner, and we watched a movie, made love, and talked for hours about nothing and everything. I held her in my arms the entire night, kissing her skin every time I woke.
She’s still sleeping, so I sneak downstairs to set my plan in motion.
I make pancakes because I want to give her breakfast in bed. Had I known all those years ago what our life could be, I would’ve proposed sooner. Forced Palmer to see how good we can be. But I push all that shit and wasted time away and walk up the stairs with a tray full of pancakes, butter, syrup, and juice.
I take a deep breath, opening my bedroom door where Palmer is still sprawled out asleep. Not ready yet, I watch her for a few moments, then I place the tray on my side table and crawl into bed with her. She moans and stretches, her usual catlike one. I can’t wait to see that every morning.
I grab her cochlear implants next to the bed and put them on her. “Good morning.” I kiss her briefly.
“Good morning,” she says, eyeing the tray of food. “You’ve been busy.”
“I have.” I grab the tray and place it on her lap. “Enjoy.”
“Pancakes.” She sighs and smiles at me. “Share some of mine?”
“I will, but you start.”
She picks up her knife to butter her pancakes, and my heart pounds. There’s no turning back now.
She lifts the first pancake and pauses, staring at the ring. “What the?” She drops the knife and picks up the ring, turning to me. “What is this?”
I take it from her hands and kneel on the mattress, sitting back on my ankles. “Palmer Ferguson, you stole my heart at the bar on the night we met. I tried to give it away to others, but I was foolish to think it could belong to anyone but you. I love you and only you, and I always will. Will you marry me?”
She picks up the tray and puts it by her feet on the bed. “Hudson…”
My heart sinks into my stomach.
“We don’t need a marriage license. You didn’t need to spend that kind of money on a ring. God, how much did it cost?”
I lean back, speechless.
She must see my expression, the two of us able to read each other’s minds all too often. “I mean, we’ve talked about how being married doesn’t stop anyone from cheating or making mistakes. It doesn’t make that person any more yours. It’s just a piece of paper.”
“Things change.”
She shakes her head. “They didn’t. I don’t need the state of Alaska to give me a certificate so I know I love you. I only need you to know it and believe it.” She gets up on her knees, facing me. “And I do love you. So much. So much more than I ever thought I could fall in love with someone. I’ve fought my demons, fought the urge to run away from this.”
“Exactly. I want you to be my wife. I want you to have my last name. I want everyone to know how much I love you, how much we love each other.”
She scoffs. “A piece of paper doesn’t prove that to people. Them witnessing our love, being around us will have them seeing how much we mean to one another. Standing in front of a group of people and promising each other a bunch of things isn’t love.”
Fuck, Harper was right. My chest squeezes to the point that it’s hard to breathe.
She grabs my hand and brings it to her heart. “This is yours. You own my heart, Hudson. But I don’t want to wear that much money around my finger just to prove to others that you love me. I don’t want some big wedding where we spend all Adley’s college fund to show off that I found the perfect man. I like our life as it is now.”
I retract my hand from her chest. “You like sneaking around?”
Her head rolls back. “What does sneaking around have to do with getting married?”
“I don’t want to do it anymore. I want us out in the open. I’m done with looking around corners and spending every night alone in my bed. I want to tell Adley. You’re so concerned about money? Well, we have two mortgages that could be one.”
“You’re changing the topic,” she says. “The two things have nothing in common.”
“Actually, they do. It’s you keeping me all to yourself and not wanting the world to know about me.” Anger boils inside me, and I clench my hands to keep calm.
“You’re acting like a baby because I said no to your proposal.”
My phone vibrates on the side table, but I ignore it.
“A baby? You refuse to tell people about us. Why is that, Palmer? Because then maybe if you do decide to run, it’ll be easier. No witnesses.” She blinks a few times, but I keep going. “Or maybe you think that if this doesn’t work out, and we don’t make it, somehow you won’t hurt as much because the people you walk by on Main Street won’t know that we were dating in the first place. You know what amazes me? You’ve lived here most of your life, but you don’t realize that people see it. They see us together. The way we look at one another. The way we parent our daughter together. They know. Without us telling them, they know. You’re living in a dream world.”
She looks as if I slapped her—probably because I’ve never gone at her like I am right now.
“I know you want all this, but you won’t admit it to yourself. When I was at the cabin, I read some of your manuscript.”
“You what?”
I can tell she’s pissed, and she probably has a right to be, but that’s not the point right now. “That’s our story you’re telling. I know how you feel about me, how you’ve felt from the beginning.”
My phone vibrates again, interrupting me. I reach for it in case it’s about Adley, but it’s work. It goes to voicemail, and less than a minute later, it chimes, letting me know there’s a voicemail. I press the button to listen to it and put it on speaker.
Palmer stares at me, her mouth open. “Seriously? You’re checking your voicemail right now?”
“It’s work. You know, how I paid for that damn ring that I get to return now.”
She throws her hands in the air. “You made a rash decision.”
I ignore her, listening to my boss. Raul is out sick, and he needs me to come in. I text him that I’ll be in. The last place I want to be is here with Palmer right now anyway.
“I have to go.” I scramble to grab my stuff and get dressed.
“Hudson, someone else can do it. We’re in the middle of something.”
I shake my head. I need to calm down before we have this conversation again. I need to figure out what kind of future I want with Palmer and whether I can accept what she wants. “Later. I have to go.”
I change my clothes. She watches me the entire time, but neither of us speaks. After I’m ready to go, I hesitate by the door, unsure what to do. I glance at the ring on the night table, the diamond shining from the stream of sunlight coming in through the window.
“Hudson?”
“Not now. I need time. I’ll be home later. You’ll get Adley?”
She huffs. “Yeah, but—”
I walk out of the room, downstairs, and outside to my truck. I start it up and pull out of the driveway, stopping when I get to the stop sign and taking in a deep breath as my fist pounds the steering wheel. I’m frustrated with Palmer and even more frustrated with myself.
I press on the gas, hoping the more distance I put between us, the more the pain in my chest will loosen.